time: 4:19pm
listening to: "mouthful of cavities"
so someone....mir er jeremy made a comment on how im going thru a fase......because im listening to the same "not punk" songs over and over again....ya a fase.....im also going thru a fase with kirk i guess....i dont really love him ill get over it eventually....and this thing with me cutting...that must just be a fase too....i mean just cuz i slice my self every chance i can to drown out the pain that doesnt really mean anything....ill grow out of it.....and im sure ill grow out of this whole piercing and hair dye thing too......hell why not just say my entire fucking life is a fase.....well guess what its not....u know why im listening to this shitty music? because it helps dull the urge to kill myself.....ok?? is that allowed?? fuck! i dont feel like listening to happy er political music.....i feel like fucking dying...i think about it constantly....but i wont do that to my mom.....so i listen to shitty fucking music and sing along.....it gets my fucking mind off it.....if u dont like it fuck off i dont care......
its at this point in time that i wish i had a single room.....then i could cut whenever i need to not just when mirs not around....cuz shell report me.....but now i dont care....obviously....she reads this.....but i still wear long sleeves around anyway......i dont want anyone to see....i dont like to answer questions.....how do i make someone understand that cutting myself up dulls the pain?? it gives me something else to focus on.....cuz otherwise......i dont know....im just trying to keep myself from drowning.....just let me deal with it...its keeping me from taking an entire bottle of antidepressants and washing it down with 2 cases of growers i have here.....im not slitting my wrist or my throat...just let me cut
time: 7:14pm
listening to: "fleetwood" the weekend
so im going to see hannibal tonite with jay and leslie and some other ppl from the house.......kirk said he was going to see it tonite too....by himself....everyone tells me hes an asshole.....that i could do so much better.....but they dont know him....they only see the bad things.....but theres so much more....they tell me hes just gonna drag me down with him....but i cant just let him go...i cant remove him from my life and pretend he doesnt xist....i just cant stop loving him......i told mir tonite that she had to find me a new man.....seeing as how she is convinced i can do better.....i wont go out with him unless i think hes attractive tho....im not one of those ppl who will go out with someone just cuz theyre a nice person....i mean if i dont look at a guy and think "wow i would really like to stick my tongue down his throat" i know we dont have a chance at a romantic relationship....because really if yer not attracted to someone physically then how fulfilling can yer relationship be?? i dont think im shallow....just honest....i dunno..
so ya maybe my problem is i havent found a new guy...i guess well see....but i still hope kirk will have an ephiany and realize fer real that he cant live without me.....a girl can dream cant she??