time: 4:26pm
listening to: "gotta die" anitflag
i want to die.....i just talked to kirk.....he was on his way to work.....no time to talk really.....he just said how ridiculously drunk he was last nite.....not a good sign.....so i asked him if he remembered what he said last nite.....he said hes starting to....i asked him if he meant it....he said he didnt know.....hed have to read his history and think about why he said it......HE DOESNT FUCKING KNOW.....i wish i was dead...i feel like im gonna puke......one things fer sure if he doesnt mean it i will never talk to him again......i cant handle this....i cant do it....hes just fucking with me......and everytime i think im out he sux me rite back in.....well fuck it...if he didnt mean it fuck him.......he didnt mean it...i know it....how can u say "you're my one and only" to someone and then not be sure if u meant it.....if u meant it u know....if u didnt then yer cruel.....he wont be home until ten....what the hell am i sposed to do...how the hell am i sposed to get any fucking work done?? AHHHHH!! why does he constantly have to fuck up my life?? one things for sure if everything he said last nite was bullshit it will never happen again......i cant believe i let him fuck me over like this again! GOD! im so stupid.....but ive learned this time......and never again...never
time: 11:48pm
listening to: "baby bitch" ween
well i know kirks home....i just wish he would call.....i want this straitened out....god how many times have i said that since i started this damn journal?? today was shitty....did something i havent done fer a long time....it made me feel better tho...i just want closure...i feel like im going to puke.....ive felt like that all day but its worse now.....im going to go try and call him now.....i just want some closure....
time: 4:40am
listening to: "disarm" smashing pumpkins
well im done my essay.......its a piece of shit but considering the emotional trauma i xpeciernced over the last 24hrs i figure its damn good...
so ya.......i talked to kirk......he said that he just said all that shit cuz he was drunk.....that he kinda meant some of it but he really didnt mean it.......and then we talked and i cried....a lot....he said that he has somethings he needs to think over...umm ya....maybe....but heres what i dont get...he obviously still has feelings for me....otherwise we wouldnt be in this situation...but he keeps trying to say that he doesnt....hes trying to push me away....thats what i think at least....hell he told me tonite that sometimes he wishes i was with him at nite not fer sex.....just that i was there....and just me......he never thinx that about other girls......he sez he remembers the good times......well no fucking shit....we could have more....if hed just let the past go....and let go of his fears......he needs to see a therapist.....he keeps telling me over and over again that hes fuct up......i just dont know why he doesnt do something about it.......
i dont want him out of my life......boyfriend lover friend i dont care......i just want to be there for hiim u know?? i love him with all my heart and i just wish he could want to be happy....i could make him happy if he would only let me.....i know i could.....but alas i must go.....i have greek in 3 and a half hrs.....ya.....hes sposed to get back to me b4 thursday....i want to try it again but i really just want the damn closure.....and if we dont i want one last fuck....i need to know that he feels nothing when hes fucking me....why me?? ciao