| " Forever Knocking" 8-23-01 There You are again... Beside me. Constently beside me, were ever I go. You are with me, even when I run from You. When I hide You find me. When I've fallen, You've picken me up, even when I don't realize it's You. There You go again, tapping on the door to my heart. I try to shild my ears. My stubborness is my downfall. There's the knocking again. This time harder, more intense. Your on the other side, insisting that I open up. I hear You wisper "Child, I won't hurt you. It's time to come home. Let me help you. You need to trust me. I love you. Forgive you. Please let me in." Again I run. Throwing myself into a wold of pain, lies and betrayls. I try to find my own way, in a wold that has Satan as it's king. I try to follow a path that wasn't made for me. The knocking has become banging. I know it's time. Time to open the door and give Abba the key. Still I resist. Still I am hesitant. A wanting for His will to direct my life is strong, but the fear of the un-know is still grasping me. I begin to feel the flood gates crack. Feel a small leak. Soon the tears inside of me will begin to flow. I hear the banging start again. This time I do not hesitate. I open the door, so my Father can help me. After spending a life of running from my past, I turn to confront it. Knowing it's now or never. I give the key to my Abba, and rest in His arms. |
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| " When I Stand Beside..." When I stand beside..... who? You? do I even know you? Are you even real? You stand there, starring at your reflection in your mirrior. You don't realize that I'm standing there, right beside you. I am the part of you that you don't want to acknowledge. I am the most important part of you. I speak the truth. I am the voice you fear. When I speak you have no choice but to obey. You must hear! You must listen!! This is what you are and always will be. You are the demon possed bitch who used to rule the night. You are the slut who never said no! You are the selfish bitch who would never be able to love. You are the blind leading the blind, and a useless piece of suicidal trash! Hear my words, listen and learn. Remember them were ever you go, so that you will never forget who you are and were you belong.... and that is in a grave! |
| "Why The Fear?" Why do I fear my tears so much? What is it that I fear so badly that my emotions are hiding? Who is hiding in the shadow, that I fear? Why can I no longer walk the night? when ever I start to cry, even if it's over a movie, I start to build the walls up once again.... why??? Why do I hate to have emotion? what is a matter with you? Are you a wimp? |
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| "Two Sides" Am I such a confussed demented person, that I actually yern to see drops of my blood once again flow freely down my arm? Yet, even though that is something that I want, another side of me disagrees. It's a quiter voice. calmer. It tells me how my life will be so much better without the constent urges to harm myself. Whispers of a much happyier life comfort me. I see my friends living better lives. A life that was promised to me. All I have to do is belive that promise... Yet, I close my eyes, and I feel my self drawn back into a world I once knew. A world that I visited in my nightly dreams. Why is this choice so HARD?!?! ---> |
| Why can't I simply walk the path of rightousness? of happyness? Joyfulness? Contentment? Why do I constently begin to walk that path, and then stop. Re-thinking my choice? Why is the pain of the familar stab wounds so enticing? The sight of blood so exciting? I take enjoyment in causing my destruction!!! WHY???? Why do I hear in the middle of the night songs heard long ago? Inviting me to join the others like me in taking their own lives? I thought there was suppose to be more to this life!! At times I still do, but I am over come with doubt. Confussion. ---> |
| Oh GOD! Lord God Jehovah! Please help me! Please take away this pain that is not seen by the human eye. A question has plagued me. Am I to blame? To blame for what a so called friend did to me? I wish I knew I wish this could be easier I wish I knew how to simply lay my burdens at the cross Kw |
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