Chapter 3: The Hardest Thing
"Look, I have to tell you something really important."
"What is it?"
"Well�" *sigh* "it's about us."
"What about us?"
"I never told you I was in love with someone else, did I?"
*shock* "No� why?"
"Because�"
"Wait, I know. You want to be with him, huh?"
*speechless*
"You do! What does he have I don't? Who is he?"
"Look, it's not like that."
"Well then, tell it like it is. Or can you?"
"Okay. Look. I've been in love with two guys since who knows when. I figured I had to choose or else I'd be hurting too many people. I've chosen."
"Me, right?"
*silent, then shakes head* "No. Him."
*glares* "You b*tch!" *slap*
*holds cheek* "I'm sorry� I had to do this� you'll see, I was saving you pain�"
"I don't care! What did I ever see in you anyway?" *storms out*
*crying* "I'm so sorry� but I had to be cruel to be kind�"
~*~
"No! Don't go!"
Rachel bolted upright and then found she was in her bedroom, her sheets tangled about her. Monday morning. She'd had all of yesterday to mull over her decision and how she was going to break it to those two. Now� could she do it?
"Dear God, help me."
She got up and got ready for her day, pulling on a half-sleeved square-cut necked turquoise shirt and black capris, with her strappy platforms. Rachel undid her hair out of the two French braids they were in, letting it fall, rippled, to her shoulders, and added a few finishing touches: her baby blue necklace, with a single matching bracelet, the color of Ethan's eyes. This was her good luck charm. And with what was happening today, she was definitely going to need it.
She didn't want to do this right away. Rachel needed advice.
"Serena?"
She walked up to her best friend (well, closest thing she had to one at this school� her bestest friend, Angelika, lived an hour away from her) tentatively, quietly.
"Hey, Rachel. What's up? You seem sad."
"I am."
"Why?"
"Jathan." (If you're wondering about that, that's the combined names of Jacob and Ethan. Hehe.)
Serena pulled her chair closer. "Has there been any change in the whole situation?"
Rachel nodded emphatically. "Huge changes. Rena, you should have gone to Mid-Winter."
"I couldn't, remember? I didn't have the money."
"Well at least you could have been there when I needed you most. See, here's the deal. Jake and I got together on Saturday night."
"Really?" Serena's eyes widened, and she beamed. "Oh, Rachel, I'm so happy for you!"
"Yeah, well, I would be ecstatic too, except�."
"What? What aren't you telling me?"
Rachel sighed. "Ethan told me that he loves me."
"Is he even capable of that?"
"Hey. That wasn't very nice. Anyways, I told him that I loved him too, but I was together with Jacob. I know I have to choose. I think I might choose�" she hesitated, "Well, maybe I can't tell you. But I'm almost sure that I've chosen one over the other."
"You've gotta go with your instincts then. Are you totally sure?"
"Pretty much."
"When are you going to tell them about your decision?"
"Today."
Serena hugged her friend. "Good luck."
"Thank you. I'm going to need it."
The first bell rang then, signaling that everyone had seven minutes to get to class. Serena and Rachel exited the library, and ran into Stacey.
"Hey, guys."
"Hey, Stace," Rachel replied. "How's it going?"
"That's what I should be asking you. Rachel, you were a wreck on Saturday. You didn't tell me what Ethan said."
"He's in love with me," she stated, bluntly.
Stacey nodded. "I know that. What else did he say?"
"I don't know, something about me inspiring him to change� I don't really want to talk about it right now, okay? I'm sorry."
"That's okay. I was just wondering what you're going to do now."
"I have to tell both of them who I've decided on. They both care about me a lot and I care about both of them greatly."
"Oh, man. When?"
"Today. Not right now, though. I see Jake first, so I'll tell him first."
Stacey nodded. "Rachel, good luck, I know this is hard."
"Hard? This is beyond hard. It's heartbreaking, actually. I don't want to lose one's friendship, but at the same time, I don't want to lose the one I love either."
"Now which one is which?" Serena asked.
They were standing in front of Rachel's first period chemistry class. "I can't tell you. It wouldn't be fair."
Serena nodded knowingly. "Well, Rachel, I don't know what to say to you except follow your heart and do what you think is right. I think you're really good about this, not telling anyone whom you've chosen. I know you'd be happy with either one. Just think, though, whomever you've chosen, is he the right one for you?"
Rachel thought for a minute. "I really don't know."
"Just something to think about. So this means you won't be eating with us at lunch?"
"Probably not."
"Okay." The second bell rang then. "Sorry, but I have to go. Rachel, good luck. And tell me later how things go."
"Sure thing. 'Bye, Rena." Stacey and Rachel watched their friend walk off. "So, Rachel, please, won't you even give me a clue about who it is?"
"Stace, I said no. It's not fair. Don't you think they should be the first ones to know?"
"Okay, okay, you win. Look, we're going to be late if we don't go now. Talk to you later?"
"Sure. 'Bye, Stace," Rachel replied, as she opened the door to her chemistry class.
~*~
"Jacob, can you give me the answer to this question?" his English teacher, Mrs. Latendeau, requested.
He didn't reply. He was staring off into space, dreamily.
"Jacob!" Carrie hissed, nudging him.
"Huh? Oh� I'm sorry, Mrs. Latendeau, I didn't hear you."
A bit annoyed, she repeated, "Can you tell me why 'Lamb to the Slaughter' is an example of irony?"
"Um� see�" The only irony he could think of was that it had taken him this long to realize his feelings for Rachel when she had liked him all along.
"A little louder, please."
Jacob cleared his throat and said, "I'm sorry, I can't."
"Fine. We'll get back to you." As she called on someone else, a few people sneaked glances at him. Jacob wasn't usually like this. People knew that he was organized and prepared. What was up with him?
He looked at the clock. 8:27? Only? He had to endure another half-hour before he could see Rachel? Oh well. She was worth it. Jacob went back to daydreaming about her.
~*~
Beep!
Rachel, Karina, and their friend Callie walked out of their chemistry class, with an interesting topic of discussion; mainly, the dance. Hurriedly, Rachel said that she'd catch up with them later so she could meet Jacob. When she reached their spot, she waited until Carrie and Julie Beth walked up to her and started talking. As they did so, two hands covered her eyes.
"Boo," a voice whispered.
Rachel twisted around to see Jacob. "Hey, you," she greeted him, giving him a hug. "I missed you."
"Yeah, me too."
"Apparently," Carrie interjected. "You should have seen him in English class, Rach. He couldn't concentrate."
Jacob blushed, and Rachel smiled. "Well, I wonder who he could be thinking about�" She winked at him, and he smiled. Then she said, "I have to go to class now."
"I'll walk you there," Jacob offered.
"Okay. 'Bye, Carrie. 'Bye, Julie Beth."
"Bye, guys," they replied, as Jacob and Rachel walked off, hand in hand.
~*~
"So what class do you have next?" Jacob asked Rachel.
"Geometry."
He looked at her in shock. "Geometry? That's it?"
"Well� see, my middle school didn't offer algebra in 7th grade, so obviously I couldn't take it."
"Ohhh." He nodded knowingly. "But, I mean, you're so smart and everything. You're in Honors World Literature for crying out loud!"
"That's because we had a good English program at my school. I mean, we had a good math program too, but it was just pre-algebra, with a bit of geometry, algebra 2 and pre-cal thrown in."
"Really? What do you mean?"
Rachel sighed. "Well, I know factorials, and you're not supposed to know that until pre-cal. I knew how to do inequalities in 8th grade, and I knew how to multiply polynomials, too. But I didn't know how to factor or find the slope of anything."
"Interesting. So can we stop talking about math?" Jacob asked playfully.
"Sure. So what did you have in mind?"
"Well, do you want to go see a movie or something?"
"You're asking me out?"
"Well, yeah, since you're my girlfriend and all. You are my girlfriend, right?"
"Yeah. Of course." The only thing was, would she be his girlfriend for long? The uneasy feeling welled up inside her again and she said, "Jake?"
"Yeah?"
"This is far enough. I know your class is across campus."
As if on cue, the three-minute bell rang. Rachel raised her eyebrow at him. "Good luck getting across."
"Oh, that's no problem, but I should be going now." They were right outside her classroom.
"Bye," he almost whispered, kissing her gently, a soft, sweet kiss that lingered on her lips.
"'Bye," Rachel replied, smiling, waving and watching him go before she went into her classroom. She sighed as he disappeared. God, how she hated to lie�
~*~
"Hey, Rachel?"
"Yeah?" She and Carrie had walked on in silence after a brief greeting from Jacob, all of them coming from their respective third periods.
"What about Ethan?"
"What about him?"
"Well, I know that Jake's your boyfriend and everything, but do you still like Ethan?"
Rachel nodded, slowly. "Yeah."
"Have you told Jacob about this?"
"Um� sort of�" When she saw the look Carrie was giving her, Rachel replied, "What?"
"You haven't, have you? This isn't fair to him. He should know that you like someone else. You shouldn't have accepted his� well, not exactly a proposal, but something like that."
Sighing, Rachel retorted, "Carrie, I am going to tell him. This has only been the second day I've seen him since we got together. And you weren't there when Ethan� well� never mind."
"When Ethan what?" Carrie urged her. "Rachel, what did Ethan do?"
"Nothing that matters, anyways." The two girls trudged on for a bit, until Carrie broke the silence again. "So you still like Ethan?"
Rachel only nodded.
"Well you're going to have to decide."
The remark made Rachel snap. "Don't you think I've thought about that? My God, I have thought hour after hour, trying to decide on whom I like better. I've made my decision, so don't try to make me stray. It's been hard enough as it is."
Immediately, Carrie backed off. "Geez, sorry," she muttered.
"Look, I'm sorry I'm taking this out on you, but it's been so hard for me to decide on these two without regarding who's going to get hurt, what feelings will still be unresolved, stuff like that. Believe me, once everything is smoothed over, I'll be okay."
"You really care for both of them, don't you?" Carrie asked, earnestly.
"Yeah. I think I love them both. But I have to be cruel to be kind, you know?"
Carrie nodded absentmindedly as she walked off to see her friends in the open area of the building containing their history classroom. Rachel did the same, heading towards the vending machines to find Serena, Stacey and Ethan. "Hey, guys."
"Hey, Rachel!" Rachel noticed a bottle of orange soda in Serena's hand and immediately perked up. "Let me have some, yeah?"
"No." Serena kept it away from Rachel. "I don't want to be terrorized."
"Hey!" Rachel exclaimed. "Believe me, I won't terrorize you. Remember, I'm not even eating lunch with you guys."
"Oh, yeah, huh?" Stacey remembered. "Good luck, Rach."
"Thanks. I think I'm going to need the orange soda."
"Okay, fine," Serena grumbled, surrendering over the chilled bottle for Rachel to drink from. As she did this, someone stood in front of her, but she couldn't see who it was.
"Thanks, Rena," Rachel replied as she returned the bottle back to its rightful owner. The person standing in front of her took her by surprise. "Ethan! Hey!"
"Hey, Rachel." He wrapped her in a big hug, like he always did. "Did you think about what I said on Saturday night?"
Her face went ashen and Ethan took that as a bad sign. "Look, I'm sorry I brought it up-"
"No, no, that's okay," Rachel interrupted. "I have been thinking about it� a lot, actually, and there's something I have to tell you, but I can't tell you now. I'll talk to you after school, okay?"
"How about I walk you home? I have to be home at a certain time and I think there's enough time for me to take you," Ethan offered.
"Okay." The three-minute bell rang and everyone started to head to their classes. "I'll talk to you later, okay?" Rachel told Ethan. "I don't want to be late."
"Sure," Ethan replied. "Later." He stroked her hair quickly before they both rushed to their history classes.
~*~
"27 more minutes," Amber, a friend of Rachel's, quietly stated. "This class goes by so slowly," she added.
Rachel couldn't help but agree with her. Sure, the class always went by slowly, but today� right after this class, Jacob found out about her decision. She didn't want to wait� at the same time, she wanted every precious minute back from the clock.
As their teacher droned on and on about the wars for independence in South America, going off topic half the time, and yelling at others to act appropriately in a classroom, Rachel watched the clock. 23 more minutes� 19 more minutes� 12 more minutes� and as the time wore down, so did Rachel's patience. Soon she heard the 7-minute bell ring in the distance. "Seven more minutes to go."
Rachel (and Amber) was antsy as the last few minutes of the period transpired. She prematurely packed up her things, ready to bolt at the sound of the bell. And that's pretty much what she did when the bell rang.
She rushed to the choir room, where she had just been a period ago. Sure enough, Jacob was there, talking to Mr. Kerner about something, when they noticed her walk in. "Rachel! Hi!" Jacob said, hugging her again.
"Hi," she said, a bit nervously. Jacob picked up on this immediately and asked her what was wrong.
"Nothing� it's just that I remembered that today is my last day in here before I switch around my classes."
"Rachel, are you sure about that?" a voice sounded. The two of them turned to find Mr. Kerner addressing Rachel.
She nodded sadly. "I have to, Mr. Kerner. My parents won't let me� in their own words, 'rot' in that history class of mine. The only period they have Honors World History and AP Euro is 3rd. Unless there's some way for me to come in during lunch or after school to learn the music and learn about things going on in choir, I can't be in Treble Choir anymore."
Mr. Kerner sighed. "Well, I'll see if I can work something out. You're positive about this, right?"
"Yes. I really don't want to go-I love choir-but I guess academics has to be first."
"I agree with that, Rachel. I'll do whatever I can to keep you in here as long as I can. Oh, the results of the auditions go up tomorrow morning, first thing."
"Thanks." She smiled at her choir director, then turned to Jacob. "Jake, listen, there's something I have to tell you. It's really important."
"What's up?"
Rachel took her boyfriend's hand. "Let's take a walk."
"Um, okay," Jacob complied.
Rachel smiled. "Now. It goes something like this�"
~*~
They had ended up on a bench in a secluded area of the school. Jacob sat in shock. "Are you mad at me?" Rachel asked.
"What? No. No, I could never be mad at you. Rachel, I love you."
Rachel did a double take. "Really?"
"Yes." He took her hand in his. "If it weren't for you, I'd probably still be a bulimic, or maybe worse. You saved me. And your spirit� I don't know what it has done, but it's made me a better person. You know that song?"
"Which one?"
"This one." Jacob started singing softly to her.
You are my everything
Nothing your love won't bring
My life is yours alone,
the only love I'll ever know
Your spirit pulls me through
when nothing else will do
Every night I pray, on bended knee
that you will always be my everything
"I know that song, and I love it." Rachel smiled wistfully.
Jacob nodded. "That song� it always reminds me of you. Rachel, are you sure? Are you sure you can't change your mind?"
The smile faded from Rachel's face. "Yes. I am so sorry, Jake. I wish it didn't have to be this way."
Jacob was thoughtful for a second. "Rach, tell me one thing. Why did you choose him over me?"
Rachel was quiet, thinking carefully about what she was going to say. "He's my friend. I've known him a long time, longer than I've known you. He's there for me."
"Haven't I been there for you?"
"Yes, Jake, of course you have. Believe me, this was a hard decision for me to make. It's the hardest thing, actually� the hardest thing I've ever had to do."
(And we will meet again
Fate has a place and time
So you can get on with your life,
I've got to be cruel to be kind
Like Dr. Zhivago, all my love I'll be sending
and you will never know, 'cause there can be no happy ending
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do,
to look you in the eye and tell you I don't love you
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie,
to show no emotion when you start to cry
I can't let you see what you mean to me
when my hands are tied and my heart's not free
We're not meant to be
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do,
to turn around and walk away pretending I don't love you
"Whatever happens, I want you to know that I do care about you, a lot. Even though we've only had a few special times together, I cherish each and every one of them. You've given me so much joy." Rachel leaned over and softly kissed Jacob. "I know that it's been only a few days, but I had to do this now, or else it would have just been more painful."
Jacob nodded. "I understand, Rachel. If this is what you have to do, then go for it. I won't stop you. Just know that I'll always love you, and I'll always be here for you whenever you need me."
Rachel smiled. "Thank you, Jake. Thank you for understanding." The seven minute bell rang, signaling the end of lunch.
Maybe another time, another day
As much as I want to, I can't stay)
Jacob sighed. "Well, this is it, huh?"
"I guess it is. So now we agree to be nothing more than friends?"
Rachel nodded solemnly. "Friends it is."
Jacob said, "Well, I know that we just said we're nothing more than friends, but I had to do this one last time." He kissed Rachel and then gave her a kiss on the forehead. "Just for good luck." He grinned, and Rachel couldn't help but wonder if she'd made the right decision. They walked in the direction of their classes; Jake's class was on the way to Rachel's. When they reached Mr. DeMurtz' chemistry class, Rachel said, wistfully, "'Bye, Jacob." She gave him a hug.
"'Bye, Rachel. See you around." He gave her one last look before going into his class.
"Yeah. See you around."
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