That's right, ya'll mother fuckers!..
Okay, enough with the excessive black talk. As with all the articles that aren't really about anything except me or my site (i.e. FIFTY ARTICLES!), then instead of cutting right to the chase, I'll talk about cutting right to the chase.
Anyway, lets cut right to the chase.
I said that I would do an article about me at 100, buuut... I had to do SOMETHING for my damned birthday and I couldn't think of anything so here it is. I don't know what I'll do for 100, but I don't think I'll have to worry about that on account of I'll never get there.
Don't get me wrong; I still love my site. I try to write stuff, but I'm tired with less-than-satisfactory work (Teh Damn Travel Sux0r). So I'm belting out less lately. PLUS, my mom plans to take my computer away almost entirely after the beginning of the year. I honestly do not know how I am going to survive. Dead serious. She thinks she's doing a good thing for my health because, obviously, if I don't have a computer, I'll straighten my posture, go outside, and be more socially active.
Wrizzong. I'll sit around in front of a blank computer screen for as long as I can, and once my mom gets sick of that and tries to make me go do something, I'll say "HAHA, BIATCH! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO IF I DON'T? TAKE MY COMPUTER AWAY!?" She's going to have to come up with a different course of action. The only reason she's doing this is because my retarded doctor told her to.
Okay, enough ranting. Anyway... Contrary to my previous statement in this article: I'm going to have to CRAM on this site if I want to get enough work done before I'll never get to see any of you loyal fans again.
WHAT AM I DOING?! CHATTING WITH MYSELF?! THIS IS AN ARTICLE ABOUT ME!
Okay. I am fifteen years old (OMFG! THAT EXPLAINS EVERYING!) and, as you may have guessed, am male. My ambition in life is to film myself being a moron in order to entertain viewers who will in turn pay me to see my work. Exactly like Jackass, CKY, Don't Try This At Home... only not. I have pages of original ideas written up, so I don't think that will be a problem. I know that there is an extraordinarily low chance that my goals will ever work out, but that's okay. I'll sure as fuck try anyway. (And I got a digital camera for my BIZZIRTHDAY, so maybe I'll let you, my loyal fans, have a glimpse at some exclusive footage).
The people I most emulate are Bam Margera and Steve-O, although I know I will never be as awesome as either of them.
If I can't do that, then I have the following jobs as backups. I have ranked them in order of overall best choice in my mind.
Radio Talkshow Host (Think either Mark and Brian or Bill O'Rilley*)
Author or Movie Script Writer
Transcriberistionisterest.... (I'm a hella typist)
Others
Yeah... I've got an interesting range. The others is kind of strange and fluctuating. If I'm un-lazy enough, maybe I'll design video games. Who knows...
What the hell else do people say about themselves? I wish someone would just freakin' interview me. Haha.
Alright... Life goals, out of the way. Hobbies...
The computer is my life. One time, I thought I lost my hard drive. I swear to whatever the hell you believe in that I just about went insane. I was hearing noises. Unrealistic noises coming from all around. My vision was distorting too, and I was scared that I was going to be killed by some unknown force. I suddenly convinced myself "WTF?! This isn't real, asshit." And I was right. Hence, the world died. Everything went DEAD silent. Nothing moved. Everything was SO still that I felt that the entire destruction of existence was imminent.
Luckily, it turned out my hard drive was okay, and my sanity was stable again. As you gathered from earlier on in the article, that won't last long.
Another one of my hobbies has been and will VERY SOON be filming myself being an idiot. I've got 8 hours of almost solid footage on my mom's old camera that I managed to break in the process of filming myself. Now I've got a new one and I hope I can take care of it.
I played pool once. My whole family is randomly decent at playing pool. I don't handle my stick correctly at all. I use the wrong finger positioning and junk. Eh, what else is new?
Interests...
While I may not seem like the type, I really love my cat. She is the cutest cat in the known world, and I wouldn't change a thing about her. Except that she sits on stuff I'm trying to do. And never shuts up and you don't know what she wants and then you go to try to find out but you can't find out because it's really nothing and she's just whining for no reason... And that she tries to eat my food. Other than that, she is the cutest and most awesome kitty ever.
I like to eat rigatoni. It is good. It makes me happy. I also like cookie dough. It is better than cookies, I think. If I ever make cookies, I'm going to skip the oven part. I'll only need an oven for making rigatoni. Cookie dough ice cream is the best ice cream. I will now cease babbling on like a five-year-old on speed...for this paragraph, anyway.
Wanna know what I look like? I would say go to my damn site, but that needs some SERIOUS revising. You can't even look at one whole page without fully exceeding the hourly data transfer limit. So I have brown hair, brown eyes, am 6' and weigh a massive 210 pounds. My fuck, I'm fat as a FAT FUCKING FUCK! Even though I don't look all that fat. But I am.
What else is standard for these things? Oh yeah! Penis size:
Just call me fruit by the foot. Minus the fruit part, because I'm not a faggj0rt.
Well, I guess that's it. That's really all I needed to have in the first place. I mean, I could have just said "Seventeen feet" and everyone would have been all "Oooooh" and this article would have wasted nobody's time. In that light, I will wrap things up. Maybe I'll write some more about stuff about me on another occassion.
Once we were up on the hill, behind my humble abode, the late sky was dimming, and the grass was wet with dew or whatever shit.
In closing: Kelsey.
~If you don't wish me a happy birthday, I'll blow your brains out.~
Back to further enlightenment.