Happy “I think you’ve made a mistake there, if they like their S and M then I can cut there wages and give then vouchers for Marks and Spencer’s and must men aren’t interested in looks they just want a cheap fuck. I’ll have to get that one back but thanks for trying I’ll give you a drop of candy fore that.”
S.W. “It’s alright, I’ve had it.
Happy left to carry out the rest of his business whilst the others lounged about in the house.
At around eleven o’clock a.m. The evil Davina had resurrected her hair and was planning her next stunt; she had used her magic to turn an ordinary basket of granny smith apples into a bomb, activated by body heat. She placed the basket on the step outside of the front door of the house, she then knocked and vanished. At the same time there came the sound of anxious burrowing in the ground below, the soil began to part forming a mole hill and then a head popped out. It was Osama Bin Laden, he climbed out of the hole closely followed by his pet and part time lover, a sheep by the name of Michael J. After his long escape from a collapsed mining tunnel, he was hungry and so was his sheep. Immediately they saw the apples and rushed over, he grabbed one and was just placing it to his mouth when BOOM! Bin Laden and his sheep were turned to dust and spread as a rather potent manure over the surrounding area. The door opened and Dopey poked his head out, he looked around and then shouted back inside.
“I think Bin Laden’s dead.”
He giggled and then went back inside.
At around eleven fifteen a.m. Doc, Dopey, Bashful and Sleepy were having an argument in the living room when Snow White walked in, she was immediately called upon to settle an argument.
Doc “Snow White, now do you agree with me Sleepy and Bashful that there are no such thing as Dwarf nuns?”
S.W. “Of course there isn’t, they only make habits in extra large. Besides most nuns are lesbians and if they were Dwarfs, well actually it could work, yeah that would be fun… but no, no Dwarf nuns does that settle the argument?
Doc. “Oh yeah.”
Doc, Sleepy and Bashful all began to chant.
“Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin.”
Dopey “I don’t care what you say, just cause she has fishy breath doesn’t say she’s a penguin; she might have been a lesbian. I need a smoke.”
Dopey stormed off upstairs and Doc went into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. As he was standing by the kettle there came another sound of underground burrowing, this time the head that popped up was that of Buggs Bunny.
Buggs “yee what’s up Doc?”
Doc “Hi Buggs how’s it going?”
Buggs “Swell Doc, I’m just off to a film premier. Daffy Duck and Arnold Schwartzenegger in Ducking Hell. Arnie’s supposed to be great as the devils yoyo, they stuck a battery up his arse to make him glow and everything. Daffy dies and gets sent back to do one good deed to get into heaven so he brutally slaughters Welsh and ginger people. I can’t wait.
Doc “Are you taking the camera?”
Buggs “Of course.”
Doc “Good, I’ll have five copies thanks.
Buggs “No problem Doc, how’s the work going?”
Doc “Well I’m still working on my theory that Mary was a hooker and got shagged off an alien in return for some Martian coke, therefore making Jesus an alien half breed and accounting for all the supposed things that he did. The theories sound but I can only prove half of it at the moment, I could really do with contacting some Martians but they all live in Alabama.”
“Well Doc, next time I’m heading to Albuquerque I’ll stop off and pass the message. Anyway must be off, gotta get my carrot back of the Snowman on my way; see ya later Doc.”
Buggs hopped back down his hole and disappeared.
Around three o’clock p.m. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs were sat watching themselves on television. Snow White is drunk after consuming around five pints of vodka and vanilla milkshakes, Dopey and Sneazey are both sat in there chairs sharing a two foot long joint and Sleepy is asleep.
S.W. “I thought Davina would have tried something by now, it is a bit easy up to now. Do any of you think I look fat on the tele?”
Dopey “No, but I think we look short.”
Happy “that’s because we are short thick shit.”
S.W. “Hey I’ve just had a great idea, why don’t we all get even more drunk and have an Ecstasy induced orgy of Dwarfatic proportions?”
Doc “Well scientifically after being in here for almost two days I think that physically we can’t be expected to do anything but.”
Bashful “Can I tape it and broadcast it over the net, we’ll make a fortune.”
S.W. “Sure as long as you still stick one in at some point. Come on, I wanna gang bang.”
Dwarfs “Hi ho, hi ho, we’re going to shag Snow, With our Dwarf might in every orifice in sight, hi ho, we going to shag Snow.”
The Dwarfs all rushed upstairs and into Snow Whites room where there followed a six hour shagathon, fuelled with drugs and alcohol.
At around eight thirty p.m. Davina had prepared a number of cheese burgers, the buns of which contained a quick acting poison that killed the instant it was absorbed into the blood stream. The orgy had just started to cum down upstairs, so she transported herself into the house, right outside the bedroom door. She put the plate full of burgers on the floor and then vanished in a cloud of smoke. Unfortunately this plan was destined not to work either, as inside the Dwarfs bedroom the wardrobe door opened up and Elvis walked out. He had been to Narnia helping the lion fight the evil ice queen and was returning in his Vegas era clothing, despite being thought dead in 1977 when his fat twin Elvin had a heart attack on his the toilet. He was very hungry after his exploits and immediately smelt the tasty burgers, he followed his nose out of the door and immediately began to stuff his face whilst gyrating himself at the sound of the shagging in the next room. He managed to eat all eight burgers before succumbing to the poison and falling down to the floor dead. When the orgy had finished Snow White was the first out of the door as she squelched her way naked to the bathroom to wash all of the spunk off her tits arse and legs. She saw Elvis lying on the floor dead.
S.W. “Hey guys I thought Elvis was dead.”
Grumpy “He is.”
S.W. “Thought so.”
Snow White continued to the bathroom, then before any of the Dwarfs left the room, the window opened and Hannibal the cannibal climbed in. He put the body into a cooling bag and then climbed back out of the window with it and headed back to his twenty four hour kebab shop in Brighton.
The next morning ten o’clock a.m. Snow White is recovering from her latest hangover by vacuuming the carpet outside of the bedrooms, all of the Dwarfs except Bashful have gone out to get some shopping. Whilst Snow White was vacuuming, the door to the Dwarfs room eased open and a goat raced out passed her and down he stairs. The goat was closely followed by a naked Bashful who was being rather apologetic to the goat.
Bashful “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, the three Billy Goats Gruff weren’t all arse bandits. I didn’t know they were your big brothers, please don’t tell them.”
Snow White shook her head and smiled at the camera on the wall, then she carried on with the vacuuming.
At around ten fifteen a.m. Davina was standing outside of the house talking to the camera.
“Now viewers, as you’ve seen my early attempts at killing the contestants have been thwarted by unforeseen circumstances. It is very rare that we get this far without anybody being killed and so I’m going to employ some major tactics to get things rolling, and can promise that there will be a substantial reduction in contestants today. The Dwarfs should be back from getting their shopping in the next half hour and then the fun really begins.
Around eleven o’clock a.m. The house was full again and they all sat in the living room, with Dopey and Sneazey both sat in their chairs. Dopey was very mellow and lay back with a relaxed smile across his face, whilst Sneazey was tying one on trying to get a vein to pop up so that he could inject himself with some of Happy’s heroin. There wasn’t a lot on at this time in the morning other than themselves and that can get boring, so as a second resort they watched the fairytale version of the Teletubbies, with Dipshit, Tinkabell, Poo Bear and Baa Baa black sheep all wearing amusing sumo suits with dildo’s sewed to there foreheads. Dopey and Sneazey both found this hilarious but the others all found themselves looking hungrily in Snow Whites direction.
S.W. “Sorry lads, I’d love to fuck you all again but that pressure last night made me come on a little fast this month, you’ll have to wait a week.”
Doc “Well, I always say if the passage is red use the back door instead.”
S.W. “And I always say, there’ll be two bleeding cunts if you try anything before I’m ready. If you’re lucky I may let you suckle a tit later but I’m nor promising and no more blow jobs for a week either I think my stomachs getting clogged up again.”
All went silent for a couple of minutes then suddenly the front door burst open and in walked the Brummie Mad Man, Ozzy Osbourne. The dark overlord stalked into the living room with a black cape trailing behind him, everybody scattered accept Sleepy who was asleep and Sneazey who hadn’t noticed. Ozzy grabbed Sleepy and bit his head off, then poured one of Davina’s magi c potions over Sneazey to turn him into a pile of dust which he then snorted using a hollowed out cucumber. He then laughed, forked the camera and ran off shouting.
“Oy, fucking get us me booze, I think I’m nearly fucking sober for fucks sake.”
He disappeared. The other house mates waited until the coast was clear and then came down stairs and disposed of what was left of the two Dwarfs by chucking the bits out of the window. The remaining Dwarfs were all really upset, despite the fact they had accepted that it would happen at some point during the two weeks. Snow White, being more of a thoughtless money grabbing whore, was pleased because her share in the money had just increased. Happy and Doc led the tributes to their fallen comrades.
Happy “Sneazey was a good customer and in his younger days a good friend; I remember the time that his septum fell into his cornflakes and he nearly eat, it before Danielle Westbrook grabbed it and tried to blue tack it into her nose. Sneazey just twatted her with his spoon and sent her to her basket, she was a wicked dog.
Doc “Yeah and Sleepy, I remember when we used to call him Hypo. He was the best worker in the group until Jennifer Aniston got her hands on him. I think we owe it to their memory to make sure we all stay alive and then when we get out we can kill that witch Davina.
S.W. “Good idea, you lot mop the blood up and I’ll make you all a cup of coffee.
Around four o’clock p.m. Snow White had just acquired her cocaine ration from Happy in return for a hand job and a three fingered Kit Kat sandwich. The Dwarfs were all upstairs fortifying themselves into their bedroom so that Davina could not get to them. Snow White had prepared the coke into two nice long lines across a small hand mirror using a razor blade, but could not find her special straw to snort it with. Remembering that she had left it in the sugar bowl in the kitchen, she nipped off to get it leaving the lines of coke unguarded. No sooner had she left the room then the evil Davina appeared, she poured a white powered potion onto an identical mirror and replaced the one of Snow White’s. She then vanished in a puff of smoke, just as Snow White returned with her gold plated straw. She sat down in her seat, took a long swig out of a pint of vodka and pineapple juice and then snorted both lines in quick succession. Immediately Davina’s potion kicked in and her eyes began to glaze over, she shakily got to her feet and started to work across the room but collapsed onto the coffee table. The table broke under her weight and the thud brought the Dwarfs running down stairs.
Happy “Oh my god, Snow White, I hope it wasn’t by coke. Doc check her, is she dead?”
Doc inspected her, but as he leaned over her body she let out a powerful fart.
Doc “Well something’s dead in there but it’s not her; not yet anyway.
Doc continued his extensive examination which for some unknown reason included around ten minutes of in depth gynaecology.
Doc “She’s asleep, but it’s not a natural one. I think she’s under a spell and her heart rate is gradually decreasing, unless we can wake her up she will die. At the moment I think all that’s keeping her alive is her addictions, her heart beat was way above normal.”
Grumpy “Let the bitch die, more money for us init.”
Happy “No, we have to try and save her.”
Doc. “Well the only way I know to break a sleeping spell is the kiss of a Prince, but how do we find a Prince?”
Happy “Bashful, you go up on the net and E-mail all of the local princes, Doc you get some Speed out of my drawer that should keep her heart pumping. Dopey, you and Grumpy man the windows. We’ve had it easy up till now lads; the bitch is turning the heat up.
In the witch’s castle, the magic mirror had recovered from his hangover and was keeping a magic eye on the unfolding events in the house. He really liked Snow White and did not want his master to succeed in killing her, so he decided to use his magic to help her out. He was a friend of a prince called Mr Charming who lived in a neighbouring forest; he also knew that the prince had recently divorced his wife Old Mother Hubbard because of the increasing magnitude of her pussy due to child birth. He also knew that the prince was a huge opium fiend and a sculptor of animal turds, this was the information with which he would enlist the prince’s help. He flew to the nearest florist and used Davina’s credit card to buy the biggest bunch of poppies that they had, he then went to see Jack and bought a big box full of his cows shit. Finally he rocketed through the sky to the prince’s house to transact the deal.
Around five o’clock p.m. Back in the house Bashful had failed in his attempts to find a real prince over the internet, there were a lot of queens which he studied carefully but definitely no princes. He went back down stairs and he and Grumpy started to play strip twister in the kitchen. Dopey sat on his chair by the window smoking a cannabis cigar, stuffed with an LSD filter that he had mistakenly taken from Happy’s drugs cabinet. Doc and Happy were both watching over Snow White. The problem with Dopey looking out of the window was that although he could see something if it was going to happen his reaction was always going to be the same, a childish giggle and a deeper draw. This problem was further escalated by the LSD which was causing him to have hallucinations in which he was rowing a boat made out of weed merrily merrily down the stream smoking the anchor, whilst all of the fish stood out of the water playing musical instruments and singing happy birthday to him. He sat bobbing his head to the tune, not noticing the window infront of his creeping open, nor the duo of Tom and Jerry sneaking in with a couple of machine guns tipped with silences. They ignored the Dwarfs in the living room as they had orders to take out the two that were in the kitchen, where Bashful was already losing heavily to Grumpy and only had his hat and socks left on. They waited until Bashful and Grumpy were in an awkward position, then Top leapt on top of them causing them to crumble into a heap. Tom then jumped off, turning 180o in the air and landing on his feet facing them. Tom and Jerry both began to fire and the two helpless Dwarfs were massacred. Tom looked at Jerry and smiled as if to say job well done, but then his smile became a snarl and he began to shoot at Jerry who began to run around the room. He dived for cover behind a box and began to fire back, but Tom was now shielded behind the fridge. Tom then pulled out a grenade and threw it over, Jerry could not get away in time and was blown to pieces. Tom opened the window and scarped before any of the Dwarfs came in.
Hearing the explosion, Happy and Doc raced into the kitchen to be confronted by devastation equivalent to that of when Superman came in Louis Lane’s face and blew her brains out. The bodies of Bashful and Grumpy lay beneath a pile of rubble all splattered and blood stained.
Happy “You know it’s at times like this that I wish that I took my own stuff.”
Doc “I know what you mean, I knew that we wouldn’t all survive, but we’re only a couple of days in and there’s only three and a half of us left. This is really fucked up now.”
Happy “I think that we should take Snow White up to our bedroom and finish fortifying ourselves in.”
Doc “Good idea, but by the looks of I, we better carry Dopey as well.”
Happy “Yeah, although he looks to me like he could fly up himself.”