Once upon a time in the land of Fairytales, there lived a beautiful young girl by the name of Snow White. She was nineteen years old and had lived on her own in a small country cottage ever since retiring from her job as a contortionist porn star in Holland. She had made quite a bit of money in her time, but the life style had left her with a strong alcohol / cocaine addiction which had since taken a toll on her assets. Infact her 'assets'; had since been surgically removed because of an unpaid enema bill. Nevertheless, she managed to get by due to extensive benefit fraud, vast quantities of methadone and by running a weekend sex talk line. Snow White was an only child and had been an orphan since she was ten years old. This followed the now infamous incident in which a cult of mad cows and a number of free range hired chicken terrorists, went on a shooting spree in the centre of London as part of the May Day riots. This was in protest against Bernard Mathews and Colonel Sanders and the lack of animal porn being shown in slaughterhouses as last requests for the condemned. Snow Whites parents were unfortunate enough to be eating in the McDonalds at the time and were subsequently shot and later eaten by unknowing customers.
A distance away from the cottage, in a rugged castle at the top of a cliff, towering over the dark side of the Mystical forest; there lived an evil witch called Davina. She was a self obsessed megalomaniac television star and had always believed herself to be the most beautiful woman in the land, despite the fact that she had all the looks of Hitler's missing bollock. She only got into television after impressing bosses with her unique method of giving reindeers red noses at a Christmas bash and by putting sight inhibiting spells on audiences, it was a trick that she learnt off another witch called Vanessa Feltz. She owned a magic mirror, that was such an arse licker that it could have worked for the government. She often asked it who was the most beautiful woman in the land and it would always reply without laughing that it was her. At least that was when the mirror was sober, but alas on one fateful Sunday morning after the bender to end all benders; the mirror returned to the castle as pissed as a bed sheet in an old people's home. When Davina had finished putting on her extensive make-up ready for the day, she went to double check her hair in the mirror but found the reflection was showing double vision.
"What's wrong with you, on the blink?"
"No my queen, on the piss."
"Oh, well then tell me mirror, mirror on the floor, who’s the hottest babe of all?"
"Easy, Snow White. She’s hot."
"What! Who is Snow White?"
"She was in the bar last night, she got wrecked and did a strip show on a table for cash. She's wonderful, I saw her ingest a credit card through her G-string and honestly I was so stiff I could have shattered. Honestly she's on a par with Wilma Flintstone, a trout like you does not compare"
"Don't talk to be like that, I don't mind getting seven years bad luck for breaking a mirror."
"You've already had a hundred years bed luck having a face like that."
"That does it! I'm going to sort this Snow White bitch out, where can I find her?"
"Well she's taking part in that show that you're hosting, the one in the house with the eight contestants. She'l be going in later today."
"Good, then I have an excuse to kill her, it's in the rules. I'm off and when I come back you've got some serious licking up to do and I don't mean my arse."
With that the witch stormed off in a rage, whilst the mirror glazed green and threw up the undigested remains of a kebab.
Back at Snow White's cottage, Snow White was still hung over after the exploits of her last night of freedom. She had already vomited all over the place, as a result of a vodka fuelled banana eating contest with Cheater in Tarzan's holiday hut. She was now doing her best to tidy the place up before she left to go to the Fairytale Big Brother House. She vacuumed the floors and washed the cocaine stains out of the mirror; then after tidying away all of her old porn videos and vibrating fist, she collapsed on the couch infront of the television. The next thing that she knew she was awakened by a heavy banging, she got up and dizzily made her way to the door. She opened it to be confronted by a middle aged man and woman, they were very plainly dressed and both wore beaming smiles. The man spoke.
"Good morning Miss, we're from the church of Jehovah and were wondering if we could come in and talk to you for a while?"
Snow White growled angrily and reached inside the door.
"No you can't! I hate you people always preaching about how wonderful life is and then spreading aids, well witness this cunt heads."
Snow White produced an M16 machine gun and waved it at them as an indication of their need to exit rather quickly. They turned and ran off, whilst she fired erratically in their direction, deliberately hitting the ground at their feet. Once they were out of sight, she slammed the door shut and went back inside to pack her things.
At around five o'clock p.m. Snow White and the seven other contestants entered the Big Brother House. The other contestants were all Dwarfs that all lived and worked together at the other side of the forest. They rushed in and went to their rooms to unpack; Snow White had one to herself since she was female, whilst the Dwarfs had to share one large room. Once they had unpacked they all met up for a drink in the living room, and one by one introduced themselves. Snow White went first.
"Hello everybody, my name is Snow White and I'm an actress. I have a severe cocaine and alcohol addiction. I live about a mile north of here but I'm originally from the North East which automatically makes me a nympho slut, so basically I get pissed, I get stoned and I get fucked. I model myself on Judy Garland only I'm not a scabby heroin addict, just the coke and the odd smoke. Thank you very much."
The Dwarfs all stood in a line, they all looked similar except one who was much taller and did not have a beard.
Happy "Good morning I'm Happy, and these are Doc, Bashful, Grumpy, Sleepy, Sneazey and Dopey"
S.W. "Why do you all have such unusual names?"
Happy "Well you see we Dwarfs all tend to look alike, apart from Bashful he's a half breed. So in order to tell ourselves apart we name ourselves after facets of our personality."
S.W. "Oh I know what you mean, I went out with a Chink once called Hung Well, we worked together in Holland."
Happy "Anyway my name is Happy, I'm pretty much the leader around here. I go to work with these guys then on a night and weekends I usually deal drugs around the towns, I get a lot of business from royalty actually. I also have another side line as a pimp but I don't do a lot of that, I just keep my hand in if you know what I mean. Other than that I enjoy watching children's television and practicing origami.""
Doc "I'm Doc, I kind of help out now and again with the mining but I am a Doctor of science. I've got dozens of certificates, PhD's and all that, I learned it off the internet. You may have read about me actually, I have been in the papers quite a bit. I came up with the proven theory relating earthquakes to all the rabbits shagging underground; I also discovered that the hole in the ozone layer was caused due to the odour of French woman and Whales farting. Of course I think the biggest story was when I discovered that the Canadian Bryan Adams was a result of selective breeding between a male mountain goat and an Emu, it made the front page on the Sunday Sport; along side the one about the English Prime minister having a second voice box in his arse. Other than that I'm pretty boring."
Bashfu l"Oh shucks, I don't really like talking about myself."
S.W. "Is that why they call you Bashful?"
Bashful “Actually that’s because of the flashing, I’ve been charged ten times for indecent exposure. Oh and one count of indecent and obscene behaviour, there was an incident on the set where they were filming a live action version of Animal Farm.”
S.W. “It doesn’t sound like you’re very bashful.”
Bashful “Oh I’ve got plenty to be bashful about, my hobby for instance; I have a very popular internet site where I masturbate vigorously over a life sized picture of the pope whilst sodomising myself with a variety of vegetables. You can join in sometime if you want, it pays well.”
S.W. “I might consider that, infact I’ve got tapes of me doing some very similar things in Holland. So, who’s next? Grumpy?”
Grumpy “Fuck off!
S.W. “That’s not very nice is it?”
Grumpy “I couldn’t give a flying fuck to a pig whether it’s nice or not.”
Happy “Just ignore him Snow White, he’s been jilted by his lover after two years.”
Grumpy “Oh Pinocchio, why did you leave me? I miss him so, the times that I would sit on his face and he would tell me lies all night, god I chipped some wood out of his arse I can tell you, he was always running out of Polly filler.”
Happy “I’ve told you before Grumpy, we’re not interested in hearing your depraved stories. We all like women and we’re dammed proud of it, just cause you’re a howling homo doesn’t mean you have to degrade us real men. Quick men do the song.”
Dwarfs “Hi ho, hi ho, we like to fuck the whores, with great big tits and shaven round the clit, hi ho, we like to fuck our whores. Hi ho, we like to fuck the whores, we get cheap fees, we only come up to their knees, hi ho we like to fuck the whores.”
Happy “That’s better, Sleepy, you can go next.”
Sleepy “O.k. well I have no side lines I’m a miner born and bred. As you might have noticed though I do have a problem staying awake, I’ve had it a while now and the doctors say it will go away eventually. It’s not a very nice story really, you see I was secretly going out with an American called Jennifer Aniston, but because she was married I refused to shag her. Anyway she wouldn’t take no for an answer and gave me what I thought was a glass of lemonade; it turned out to contain some liquid Viagra and a very large amount of Rohypnol. I fell asleep erect and she raped me
none stop for a whole night. The problem was that it didn’t mix well with the Vodka I’d drank and had this affect on me. I wouldn’t have minded, but when you screw someone like her you want to be awake. I later found out it was because she couldn’t get any quality sex at home,in fact she never found anyone as good in the sack as some English lad called Lee whoever he was, apparently they met in a pub and shared a snooker table.”
Dopey "1'm Dopey and I smoke pot. I mine as well."
Dopey began to giggle as he took a joint out of his pocket and lit up. He took a long drag and then passed it to Sneazey.
Sneazey “I’m Sneazey and I smoke pot to. I also like to snort things.”
S.W. “I’m pleased to meat all of you. So what do you think this is going to be like?”
Happy “Well I hope it’s better than that shit toned down version they show.”
S.W. “It must be, all these new rules, we can do what the fuck we want to do, go out when we want, all we have to do is stay alive for two weeks and we share �100.000. I tell you what, brutal reality TV rules.”
Doc “So how do you think they’ll try and kill us?”
S.W. “They’ll probably hope we drink ourselves to death.”
Happy “Well I don’t mind trying that. Might forget all those bad memories.”
S.W. “What bad memories?”
Happy “You see we’re kind of freelance miners and we were digging some caves for this rich man from Afghanistan. Unfortunately Thickshit, he was the eighth Dwarf, decided to eat an ultra strength ‘kill me quick’ Vinderloo before he went down. Then as you might expect he couldn’t stop farting all day and down a tunnel that is not good, especially for the Dwarfs that you’re with. So Dopey, not thinking as usual, lit up a joint and boom! Thickshit was Kentucky Fried, we all got our beards singed and the cave became unstable. We just got out as it gave way, we were lucky in that sense, but what we hadn’t realised was that the cave was actually going under our house, the shock wave flattened it.”
As the contestants all kicked back and had a drink, the evil Davina was outside the house with a large metal container. She was waiting for them to get drunk and fall asleep so that she could put her first idea into action. At about seven p.m. there came the sound of a large engine, she looked over the trees and could see a thin trail of smoke. A smile creaked its way across her grimacing face as a speeding rocket crashed into a nearby tree and out of the subsequent smoke there appeared Wyllie Coyote carrying a box labelled ‘A.C.M.E Nerve Gas’.
“I knew you’d get it and here’s your payment, a dead road runner. I don’t know why you could never catch it, I just shot the twat.”
Wyllie took the metal container, checked the contents and then produced another rocket and sped off. Davina opened her freshly acquired box and took out the nerve gas canister. She climbed up onto the roof with the canister and went to the top of the chimney stack. Down below the fire was burning lightly with Dopey and Sneazey both sat infront of it smoking fairly large joints. The others were all drunk and lazing about watching television, it was the perfect time for the gas. Davina activated the canister and lowered it three quarters of the way down the chimney; she then took out a pair of bellows and blew air down the chimney to help the gas filter into the living room. Unfortunately for Davina, it was at this moment that Dopey and Sneazey decided to have a farting contest and both started letting simulations rippers go. The others in the room retreated to the kitchen as the emanating gas gusted. The nerve gas began to mix with the fart drug combination and because of the overwhelming force of the farts, it started to go back up the chimney. Davina wasn’t expecting it and breathed in a huge amount of the gas; she began to cough violently and rolled off the roof, where she fell into a bush. When she got up she felt her head but found that her hair had fallen out and her head was now bald, shocked she looked down her skirt and her Khyber was also Kojacked. Not only this but she could feel her tits shrinking and her arse getting bigger, it was like she was turning into Carol Vordaman. She jumped into her pink Cadillac and sped off back to her castle for some emergency magic.
Inside the house at about ten o’clock. Snow White and Happy have both gone out, whilst the remaining six Dwarfs continue to mull around the house, drinking and watching television. Bashful is in the kitchen with Grumpy, whilst the others are in the living room. Suddenly Grumpy came storming out of the kitchen closely pursued by Bashful holding a block of lard.
“No, I’ve told you before Bashful you can’t be my bitch! And you can’t bum love with lard!”
“It’s not for that; it’s for frying the jumbo sausages with.”
Grumpy ran into the toilet and slammed the door shut, Bashful skulled around outside the door for a moment before leaving in a strop.
“I’m going on the internet; keep out of the bedroom I’m working.”
The others ignored him. After a few minutes Grumpy came out and joined them by the television, they were watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
Grumpy “Hey I wouldn’t mind fucking one of those Umperlumpers.”
All “Grumpy, keep it to yourself.”
At about one o’clock a.m. Snow White returned to the house pissed. She rolled in through the door clutching a kebab like it was a new born child. The lights were all out and she couldn’t find the switch so she stumbled her way into the living room; Dopey and Sneazey were both still sat infront of the television set blissfully unaware of the fact that it was switched off. They were both now sharing what appeared to be their last smoke and shouting ‘wake-up’ at the blank screen believing that the cameraman was just asleep. Snow White found the light switch and illuminated the room; it was an absolute tip, even worse then hers after a heavy night. She sunk into the couch and eat her kebab whilst also finishing off the remainder of a bottle of vodka that had been left on the table infront of her. Finally she stood up to got to bed, but fell over the table and ended up sprawled against Dopey causing him to drop his joint on his lap. Dopey’s trousers caught fire around the crotch which he found funny, he picked the joint back up and took another drag. Meanwhile Sneazey leaned over and began to suck sniff the smoke rising up from his burning balls.
Sneazey “Hey, I’m smoking Dopey.”
Snow White, grabbed a glass of liquid from the floor and poured it onto Dopey’s lap but this made the fire worse as it was whiskey, she then tried sitting on his lap in order to smother the flames but it had been a good night and her arse was too sore to come in contact with fire. As a final alternative she spewed up onto Dopey, at first the bile cooled the flames and then the chunks of carrot and donna meat smothered and put it out. Dopey still hadn’t noticed and Sneazey was still sniffing his crotch, so Snow White left them and went to bed.
The next morning at around nine o’clock a.m. Snow White came down stairs with an average hangover, about 4.5 on the T.H.F. Scale. The Dwarfs were all still in bed and the house was an absolute mess, with bottles food, junk spunk vomit and all the other shit you’d expect to find in a vicars house. She was not happy and went straight to the diary room to complain.
S.W. “All right Big Brother have you seen the state of all that shit out there, them Dwarfs are a disgrace at least I have the ability to either puke on somebody rather than the floor.
B.B. “Well you’re the woman it’s your job to clean it up.
S.W. “What do you mean it’s my job?”
B.B. “You know that we only put woman in for two reasons, sex and cleaning. So don’t come wining to me like a little bitch, get scrubbing or get fucking.”
S.W. “You can get stuffed, I’ll set the fucking dogs on ya when I get out; the spice girls owe me a favour after I kept quiet about that lesbian romp.”
B.B. “Big Brother says I hope Davina kills you first, get out the diary room.”
Snow White got up, stormed out and ran upstairs to her room, she reappeared a few minutes later with a baseball bat and a hooter. She blew the hooter which was so deafening that Stevie Wonder could see it and as the Dwarfs all descended down stairs she flew into a rage swinging the bats.
S.W. “You messy short arse little fucks, get in here and tidy this shit up now! I don’t care if we’re on tele or not, you can get your stumpy little fingers out and clean or else I’ll use your beards as dusters and your heads as fucking drums. Capeesh!
The six Dwarfs that had appeared all stood in shock, there was an uneasy silence then Happy came running down the stairs.
Happy “What’s going on? I’m trying to audition some northern whores upstairs. I think you lot want to get this tidied up.
Snow White ran at Happy and twatted him in the guts with the baseball bat, then when he fell down she stamped on his nuts which he had been storing for Chip n’ Dale.
S.W. “You’re not shagging any more lasses till this place is spotless, the lot of ya, get to work now!”
The Dwarfs were all scared shitless, it was like being confronted by a menstrual elephant who had run out of sheep to use as Tampax. They started falling over themselves in a hurry to do as they were told, meanwhile Snow White left them to it and went upstairs to Happy’s room to talk to his friends.
At around ten o’ clock a.m. Snow White came down stairs to be confronted by a shiningly clean house and a line of seven cleanly dressed Dwarfs, they had even made her some porridge for her breakfast. Snow White was overjoyed and also quite merry having found a small amount of cocaine in Happy’s bedroom.
S.W. “Thanks guys, now that wasn’t so bad was it?”
Happy “No. Can I go and finish upstairs now? It’s just that I have to go and pick up a fresh batch of gear from Scooby Doo at eleven and I still don’t know which ones to hire.”
S.W. “It’s o.k. I finished off for you, there was only two of the five worth keeping the rest were too static, I think they were from Sunderland, plus one of them was a Goth.”
Happy “Goth, what’s a Goth?”
S.W. “Goths are fucked up attention seeking freaks, trying to act weird because they have anal personalities and nobody really likes them. They pretend they like the dark side but they’d shit if they woke up next to a corpse, no they’re just frightened that they’ll fade away and never be noticed; it’s a cry for help really. I hate them, they maybe the best lay you can get but the way I see it; if they like the dead so much then I would really like to help the meeting take place if you know what I mean?”
Happy “What do you mean good lay? If they’re a good lay then I’ll make money.”