June 14 I definitely related to Tammy in the video. She saw things the way I am right now. I don�t understand why we have to look at someone�s color instead of seeing them as an individual. I don�t understand completely the anger that a minority may feel towards white people. But watching the Hispanic and biracial people talk about what they wanted others to know made me cry. I hate that people have to go through that kind of pain over something they have absolutely no control over. And the fact that I will never have to experience that daily and that people of my color inflict that pain on them makes me even more upset. It�s even harder to think that racism is not only an individual thing but it�s institutionalized. It�s worked so far into our world that I have a hard time even recognizing it. Reading Tatum�s book, I was shocked at the preferential treatment whites receive. I don�t understand why things have to be that way. I got pretty emotional today�not only when we watched the video, but also hearing ***** talk about her experience her first year at Southwestern. It made me feel some comfort that someone else went through the same kind of thing I did. But it was a little upsetting in that at the end of it all, ***** had a group to turn to. She identifies with other people of her race and feels relaxed in that group setting. I don�t relate to people just because of their skin color. I can�t find a group of friends just based on how I look. I don�t think of myself as being white. At the end of the day, I still don�t have a group. I don�t need to be around other people who are white because that is all I see. I have to look at people deeper than that to find a connection, and that is really difficult for me. I think that maybe I�ve realized that this is a disadvantage to being white. Thinking of yourself as an individual can be a scary thing. Breaking away and not letting yourself be classified as white or smart or middle class could mean that you break away from people who could be your friends. I couldn�t have sat down at a table the first week of school with a group of white kids merely because of their skin. There are too many of us. It�s like what Tanya said about her dad knowing every black person in the mall where they lived but didn�t know them all in Atlanta. I wonder if minorities on campus realize that some white people don�t like the lack of diversity either. It really bothers me when I look around and see everyone the same color, looking almost the same in dress etc. It�s not real. That�s not how the world is, and I fear for people who have lived their lives in environments like SU. I bet they�ve thought about race even less than me. Our anger discussion was hard for me today as well. I now people get angry about race (I do too at times, probably not as much as I should). I�m trying to understand it more, but I don�t see how yelling, name calling, and plain ole getting up in someone�s face is going to help things. Maybe racism is one of those things that you need to sacrifice yourself for the good of the group at times. I know when someone gets up in my face or even raises his voice; I totally shut down and stop listening. It�s okay to be angry and it�s probably healthy in some respects, but you have to deal with your anger appropriately. Make an argument with feeling and be articulate. The emotions will come through strong enough without the show. And in that respect�Judy disturbed me the most in the video because it was so apparent that she was pissed off at the world. June 15 I didn�t get as much out of the reading last night, but I still could relate to it. I�ve noticed that I�m feeling many of the characteristics in the white identity models but that my feeling belong in different stages. There does seem to be a problem with the models because I see nothing in them that has anything to do with identity. I see that the model wants us to develop ourselves outside of racist norms. The model doesn�t pertain to every single white person, just as other models don�t apply to every single black or Hispanic person. This goes back to my generally looking at individuals rather than groups. I also wish that these models didn�t just say what happens at different stages but also what can be done to get there. I realize that this would be different for every person too, but I feel that I need some sort of guidance. I�m fairly in the right mindset as far as racism is concerned. I would hate to know how a severe racist would have to try to go about changing. I want a twelve-step program damnit! I wish there was like a Racists Anonymous. �Hi my name is Lisa and I contribute to racism.� I still don�t know what this means for me, but I�m working on it. |
| Fleming Journals cont. |
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