June 16 Yesterday�s meeting was very powerful and emotional for me. I think that maybe it finally came through to me that I do take part in racism merely for the treatment I receive. A paradigm shift occurred and I think that I needed to mourn the loss of my previous misconceptions. I lived with those thoughts of the world for nineteen years, and it�s going to be hard to give them up completely. Those thoughts let me believe that I was not part of the problem, that I was not a part of a group, and that in a way I was perfect. I was stupid to believe that, but I needed some kind of experience to knock those ideas out of my head. Now I can�t help it. I know the truth. I know what goes on in the world. I have to do something about it. But I don�t know what it means for me yet. Does it mean merely changing myself or trying to change the world? I think that it has to be somewhere in between. I�m extremely grateful to ***** for recommending that we break up yesterday. After that movie, I was feeling so hurt that I identified with David. I saw the way other members of that group reacted towards David and how even ***** and ***** reacted and I didn�t feel comfortable enough to talk in the group. Even in the �white group� I didn�t feel comfortable saying it. I wonder if others may have felt that way but didn�t say anything. When ***** suggested starting a white group on campus as an answer to my not feeling like I belong�didn�t really help me. �I don�t identify as being white so how would that help?� But after the video and after talking in the �white group� I can see how it�d help me in certain aspects. But I feel like it�d only help me with race related issues. June 17 Where am I in my racial identity? I�m going to start by not even considering the models. Before this past week, I had a totally different view of the world. As *****would say, �I was cloaked in my whiteness.� I knew that there was racism in the world, but I identified racism as hateful acts or comments or people buying into certain stereotypes. My idea of a racist was a white man with a cowboy hat in a pickup truck that is decorated with confederate flags. I never thought that I could be racist. I have many friends who aren�t white, and, as I�ve said before, I thought of them as individuals. I didn�t go out looking for all of these token friends. We taught each other about our different cultures�except for the white kids in the group. We never got into discussions about race. I wanted to think that I didn�t have a racist bone in my body. I can remember getting very upset with my dad and his family when they made certain comments. I even confronted my dad about it once, and I swore that I would never think the way he did. And I don�t feel that I ever have. But now, after a weeks worth of reading, talking, and reflecting, I realize that I do contribute to racism. The reading we�ve done has opened my eyes to a new meaning of racism. This new definition shocked me at first. I didn�t want to accept it. This definition not only meant that my nineteen years of living have been misguided, but that I have very little control. With my previous definition of racism, I could control the situation�whether or not I was categorized as a racist. But now I feel like I have no choice. I have no choice because of the way our world works and the skin I was born with. This frustrates me beyond end. I didn�t ask to be given more privilege. I don�t want it. I want to earn what I receive, as hard as that might be. I wonder what goes on on a daily basis that happens because I�m not black or Hispanic or Asian. One reason I had such a hard time accepting this broader definition of racism is because I couldn�t see the privilege in my skin. I�ve been shopping with my friends who aren�t white and never noticed any difference in the way we were treated. Maybe this was me being cloaked in my whiteness. I�m surprised at how na�ve I am. And I�m really feeling my place as the youngest in the group. When I read the first page of the first chapter in Tatum�s book, my mouth must have dropped open. I must have read that page five times. I never thought about housing discrimination and all of that. I have to admit that I spent the majority of the time reading Tatum trying to argue against her points�trying to defend my idea of reality. That was shot to hell after watching �the color of fear.� Right now, it�s all just a blur and I�m having a hard time recalling my exact feelings in their exact sequence and how it all led up to the climax. I packed my tissues in my purse when I left the house on Friday morning. I was feeling very weak. I hadn�t gotten enough sleep and my mind and soul were exhausted from constantly defending a lie. In class we had the option of talking about the book or watching the video. I wanted to talk, but I�m glad we didn�t. The video was extremely powerful and emotional for me. Automatically I could identify the racist in the group. With David�s cocky attitude and his whiteness, it had to be him. I was probably somewhat proud that I could identify him. It was one of the few things I felt confident about all week. The more David talked the more I despised him. I hated how he used terms like, �you people.� But also as he talked, I began to see myself in him. I could identify with his ignorance. I had said some of his exact statements. �Have you ever thought that it�s the way you think that makes it that way?" �You�re just imagining things.� �I see people as individuals.� It was when he said this last statement that my heart sunk. This guy represents me and probably millions of other white people. I felt the frustration with the other member of the group about David�s unwillingness or inability to see the world differently. It was like there were these two parts of me: the old Lisa and the new Lisa. The new Lisa was pissed off at David for being so stubborn, so stupid, so blind. The old Lisa was fighting right along side him. It was Victor�s anger that started the tears. I felt like I was the one who caused him all of his hurt and anger. I was the one who put such a sad expression in the eyes of the other men. I was the one who was making grown men cry and I had had absolutely no idea it was happening. The tears didn�t stop after that. When the movie was over, I had to try to collect myself. Thank God ***** said something about a white caucus. I was feeling so horrible about myself at that moment that I couldn�t even look at ****, *****, or ****. I could only imagine the levels of hurt I had caused them too. In our white group, I felt comfortable and was able to cry and share some of my feelings. Friday was emotionally exhausting. I feel like I�m kind of in the process of grieving my old world where none of this race stuff existed, and I was not a part of the problem. I was angry that I went so long without anyone pointing it out to me or seeing it myself. I was ashamed of and angry at my race and myself. Now my eyes are open to unconscious racism. I�ve seen and heard so many things this weekend. All I can say is wow. Wow because I didn�t see it before and wow because I can�t believe the world is like this. Of course all of my problems weren�t solved in one day. I know that I�m going to have to constantly be aware of this newfound racism. Right now, I�m not to a point where I�m trying to figure out what I�m supposed to do to stop racism, and it�s actually pissing me off when others in the group try to talk about it. I know that I don�t have this race thing figured out and that before I adjust to this new perspective there is no way I can help the cause. I wonder if maybe people are cheating themselves or getting too far ahead of themselves. Maybe they are way beyond the point that I am to where they are able to take a healthy look at the future. All I�m seeing now is despair. |
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