June 12 I learned a lot from these two parts of the book about what racism is and how I actually do take part in it on a daily basis. Right now, it�s extremely difficult for me to think of racism in the same light as Tatum. Maybe I�m just trying to defend myself, but what is wrong with receiving things for bad reasons when you have absolutely no idea that is why you get them? I understand that no one race, gender, ethnicity should receive preferential treatment. I understand that racism is built into our society. Hmm�I go back on that first statement. There is something wrong with it, even when you have no clue what is happening. But what can we do to change that? How could a white person strive towards antiracism when they are as na�ve as I am? And what do you do in a situation where you need a house so badly or a job and you know you�re getting special treatment? Are you supposed to turn down a job that will feed your children? I realize that these are circumstantial, but I think they need to be taken into consideration. I can�t imagine anyone in a situation like that not taking the job or the house. I totally identify, on XVI, when Tatum says that whites worry about using the wrong words or being fearful of being seen as a racist. When I applied to be a part of this research, I debated for quite some time over the word black. Was I supposed to use the term African American or capitalize the word black? Black is the word I grew up using but I know that some people would take offense to it. One of my biggest fears for this research is that I will have racist views that I didn�t know existed or ones that I have been deluding myself into believing were not there. What happens if I do have racist views? How do I go about changing something that could possibly have been there for 19 years? When I read my first journal entry, I can�t even believe that those are my words and my thoughts. June 13 Today�s discussion was emotionally draining for me. It could just be that I�m tired, but I was having trouble wrapping my brain around some of these ideas. ***** doesn�t want to be seen as a coconut. ***** talked about so many different shades of black people that my head was spinning. There is a whole world that I haven�t come across. I thought that I had an idea of how people of other races felt. I was wrong. I have absolutely no clue! I don�t understand why all the black kids sitting together is a good thing and not bad. I don�t understand how going to a white school or black school would make a black person turn out any different. I don�t understand *****, *****, or *****�s worries about being seen as too white. I don�t even understand how someone can tell a black person they aren�t black enough. There is nothing anyone can do to change the color of their skin. Why does black automatically mean that a person talks, acts, or dresses a certain way? Why can�t a black person be friends with white people without being looked upon as if they were denying their race? ***** mentioned that she has ancestors who owned slaves. I wonder how that makes her feel. I know that I feel very ashamed that my ancestors most likely owned slaves and that they (and probably even some of my near relatives) are/were extreme racists. I hate seeing white people being portrayed as the horrible human beings that they were. It makes me not associate with that. I guess maybe it goes back to the fact that many white people if asked to tell about themselves will not identify as white. That is something I would never think of, and I�m not sure why. Being white means absolutely nothing to me. There is no sense of pride but more a sense of guilt. I don�t want to be treated differently than my black friend. There is no reason for people to treat me any better than the next person. Who gives a crap what color I am?! Back to the black kids sitting together�I can�t really recall anything like this at my high school. When I looked across the cafeteria there was a mix of people (or maybe I just didn�t notice?). I would have been extremely hurt had my biracial friend abandoned me to be with people her own color. What I don�t understand is how the color of a person�s skin somehow becomes more important than his likeability or friendliness. I�ve never thought to myself, �I need to go get some white, black, Asian, Hispanic friends.� I look for people who I get along with. It doesn�t matter what color they are. Does this not apply to people of color? One question I have regards jokes about race. Why is it that when a white person says something about another race he is being racist but when a person of color says it, it�s funny? Chris Rock bases a lot of his stuff on black people, and he�s rich. I don�t get it. |
| Fleming Journals: Summer '01 |
 |
 |