Gossip Page

Who is this young future Lazarenkos member? Is it the Reid triplet that was lost, one of the twins from Auchtermuchty, or a young dashing "trainspotting type" autograph hunter?

It is very important that the nation is warned about the following criminals who are still at large. They are considered to be extremely dangerous. Each criminal on the list is also a master of disguise. Some of the alias names and clever disguises have been made known to us recently and are listed below. Please do not approach!!!

The Lazarenkos were last night spotted in the pub with TV personality Jim Bowen. It is not yet known what the relationship between the great Scottish band and the quiz show host is. Some have said that the band have a strange fascination with big sweaty pint downing darts players. Our photographer managed to take this photo of the Lazarenkos with Bowen. When the band were approached, they snubbed the reporter and left before you could say "a Bit 'o' Bully".

Today the body of a 39 year old woman was found outside the venue of a concert hall where the infamous Lazarenkos were performing last night. The woman has been named as Bobbie-Jean Trailor and The death is not being treated as suspicious by the police. It seems that the woman bungee jumped from the roof of the venue in order to impress The Lazarenkos as they entered the building for a soundcheck and it all went horribly wrong. A tearful close friend of Bobbie-Jean, Ellie-Sue Hamshanky told reporters that "She shewer did luve dem dare Lazarenkos and their music. It all went wrong when the tickets sold out for the show and Bobbie-Jean tried to impress the band for a free ticket. No more Barbecue and Beer for poor Bobby-Jean". Bobby-Jean had travelled from Kentucky to try and get a ticket for The Lazarenkos show. Ellie-Sue will return with Bobbie-Jean's ten coffins to her hometown Burgusulike, Kentucky tommorow. Last night a spokesman for the band (who did not wish to be named but plays lead guitar with the band) stated "The band send out their wishes to the victims family, but the truth being told, fans should never travel without tickets and get their tickets early, because we are really popular".

A bunch of blokes who have cloned the good looks of The Lazarenkos are at present doing gigs somewhere near you. They are calling themselves The Pies. The difference being they are performing cover versions of songs from the 50's up until today. If all you pretty girls spot them in the pub or up on stage somewhere, remember and tell them they are almost as good looking as The Lazarenkos.