Obligatory Christmas Content!
Yes, I did go hunting for a MIDI of "Christmas, Baby (Please Come Home)", but it turned out to be less reasonable in practice than I imagined. So, uh, start humming it.
Welcome to my merry, merry holiday page! This is going to be a little like "Salvaged Yesterdayland Stuff", only with an all-holiday theme. Grab that killer eggnog your insane brother makes and summon those freak flying Rangifer tarandi! Merry Christmas to all, and for the love of God, don't give little alien Fairy creatures away as presents...
"Rudolf's Shiny New Year!"
The one Rankin/Bass special I have managed to see (against my will) more often than any other is "Rudolf's Shiny New Year". Man, somebody was surely indulging in -um- *something* potent while writing this thing.
Baby New Year is sad because everyone makes fun of his large ears, so he runs away. Rudolf (curiously reduced in age) is sent to get him back because, if he isn't home in time for New Year's eve, time will stop. Complicating matters is the gigantic vulture, Eon Roc, who wants to kidnap Baby New Year and stop time. See, Eon's lived for nearly an æon (which this special puts forth as having a definite end, although my dictionary defines it as infinite), and he'll turn into ice and snow by the end of the coming year.
Uh... yeah...
Rudolf must journey to the Archipelago of Last Years. Every year since time began has retired on their own island. Rudolf teams up with a caveman, a knight, and Ben Franklin. I swear to you, I am not making this up. Anyway, Rudolf and entourage rescue Baby New Year, kindly take the time out to help Eon as well, and good times are had by all.
Unlikely CD Album Shopping Guide
Henry Rollins and Kathy Lee Gifford - Together Again!
Kenny G - the Industrial-Goth Cover Album (and, on that note...)
Nine Inch Nails - For the Children
Michael Bolton, Leanne Rhymes, Britney Spears, and Hootie and the Blowfish - Let's Make LaGremlin Leap off the Roof!
NKOTB - Eh, Nobody Liked Jon Anyway: the Reunion Album
Tenacious D - the Next Teen Idols
Movies and Specials I HAVE to Watch Before Christmas or the Universe will Implode
"A Christmas Story" - The King, undisputed.
"Jim Henson's the Christmas Toy" - Meteora rocks!
"A Wish for Wings That Work" - Why didn't they go ahead and make a "Bloom County"/"Outland" series based on this?
"Olive, the OTHER Reindeer" - Cute and subversive. One of the only recent holiday specials worthy of hunting down.
"How the Grinch Stole Christmas!" - Screw the unnecessary live-action remake (even though Jim Carrey's Grinch is cute). You watch this through to the end and try not to get all weepy.
"A Charlie Brown Christmas" - Ditto for this one (the weepy part). Seasonal Affective Depression was never so charming.
"the Nightmare Before Christmas" - Score! Two favorite holidays in one!
"Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer" - And, by extension, all those Rankin/Bass specials. So adorable.
And my pick for the Worst Christmas Movie
The "Home Alone" series, the unnecessary live-action "Grinch" and the sappy "Jack Frost" are certainly contenders. But my choice for the biggest cinematic lump of coal, the movie that will kill the jolliest of holiday parties... is a movie that really isn't supposed to have anything to do with Christmas at all. It does, however, have the worst Christmas travesty ever to be caught on film. The movie is entitled "Simon Birch", and the scene is the holiday pageant.
This movie was a pile of deer droppings to start with. But if Simon screeching "BOOBIES!!!" doesn't ruin your Christmas, then the angel kid who gets sick and vomits over everyone will. If you dare to watch this, make sure you drink whenever you see deer. It'll help you make it through.
Top Ten Holiday Songs I HAVE to Hear Before Christmas or the Universe will Implode
10) Bobby Rivers - "The 12 Pains of Christmas"
9) U2 - "Christmas Baby (Please Come Home)"
8) Nat King Cole - "the Christmas Song"
7) Paul McCartney - "Wonderful Christmastime"
6) Run D.M.C. - "Christmas in Hollis"
5) Adam Sandler - "the Chanukah Song"
4) the Waitresses - "Christmas Wrapping"
3) John Lennon - "Happy Christmas (War is Over)"
2) Band Aid - "Do They Know it's Christmas?"
1) Andy Williams - "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!"
Favorite Characters in "the 12 Pains of Christmas"
Number two, "Rigging up the lights" ("Now why the hell are they BLINKING???"), Number four, "Sending Christmas cards" ("OH! I don't ever KNOW half these people!"), and that little brat at Number eight ("Daddy, I want some CANDY!!!")
And now, for the greatest Yesterdayland holiday post I've ever seen. It comes from a poster called Popcorn Breath, and I hope that he/she doesn't mind me reposting it here for posterity (with a few small editorial alterations such as spelling corrections).
Really Deep Questions about the Rankin/Bass Specials! by Popcorn Breath
"Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer
1. Why do they have Reindeer tryouts? Are the originals going to retire? I mean, they've been on the job for almost 2,000 years now!
2. Why do all the elves (except Hermie, the Head Elf, and the one who looks like Dennis the Menace's dad) all look the same? In-breeding perhaps? Cloning?
3. When the Bumble Snow Monster gets his teeth pulled out, why doesn't he just stomp on everybody?
4. How does Santa gain so much weight after eating one bowl of gray goo? And then Mrs. Claus says that the kids are expecting a fat Santa; the kids are fast asleep! Who would know?
5. Why the heck is Santa portrayed as such a jerk, anyway?
6. Sam the Snowman reaches for his banjo when he sings "Silver and Gold"... but there's no banjo part in the song!
7. I'm assuming the doll on the Island of Misfit Toys has emotional issues, thus making her a misfit. So, what's wrong with King Moonracer? A plushy winged lion sounds pretty cool to me!
8. And couldn't Santa just use high-powered headlights in lieu of a single bioluminescent "bulb" to light the way?
"Santa Claus is Coming to Town
1. Why does Tante Kringle name Claus Kris and not, say, Mingle or Zingle or Kachingle like the other Kringles? And was their father an elf? How did Tante Kringle give birth to so many elves? Or is she their nanny or something?
2. Kris grows a beard and says that there's no way the Burgomeister will recognize him. It's a worse disguise than Clark Kent's!
3. At the end, S. D. Kluger (the narrator) says that the Burgomeisters fell out of power and that the townspeople "all had a pretty good laugh about it." They should have strung him up like Mussolini and danced on his grave!
"the Year Without a Santa Claus
1. Mrs. Claus gets the Snow Miser to let it snow for one day in South Town. The Heat Miser wants the entire North Pole. Ignoring the ecological disaster this would cause, couldn't they have negotiated before bothering Mother Nature?
2. Why is Vixen a "baby Reindeer"? I thought all the Reindeer were adults and apparently ageless.
3. Did you notice that the doctor keeps putting the thermometer in Santa's mouth the wrong way? What's up with that?
Other Christmassy Stuff!
Operation Santa Drop
Quincy's Christmas Parade
Yet Another
Reiteration: Any
movies, cartoons, songs and such mentioned herein are © their respective
owners, and no endorsement (or it's opposite for that matter) is intended
by the webmistress; with the possible exception of such cases in which she
says that said material either "Rules" or "Sucks". Even
so, she is NOT getting paid for it. >:P
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