A list of the items that are going into
LaGremlin's Annual Time Capsule!
Created and compiled with the sole intent to confuse the hell out of the children of the future, for there will be *no explanation given* to accompany the selected items. Modern day readers who really need explanations are encouraged to use their favorite search engine. (Though the list is less fun that way.)
2004 Edition
* - "You Got Served!" DVD;
* - Printouts from that creepy website that was counting down the days to Mary-Kate and Ashley's 18'th birthday;
* - That shameless cash-in "Friends Party Kit" DVD boxed set that they sold a few weeks before the series finale;
* - CD of that sadly cringe-worthy political Beastie Boys song. Maybe throw in the equally cringe-worthy political Black Eyed Peas song and "We Are Family" as covered by a pack of completely random cartoon characters;
* - A Patriots helmet and a sun-shaped nipple piercing;
* - A Red Sox cap and a copy of that cartoon where Wile E. Coyote finally caught the Roadrunner ("Ok, NOW what do I do?");
* - One of those magnetic yellow ribbon thingies.
I have to go off on a tangent here. Do those things drive anyone else insane? The first time I saw one, I immediately thought, "Huh, that is not an actual bumper sticker. That is a magnet. Magnets can be removed."
I support our troops too (just not the bonehead that sent them there; but let's not head down that rabbit hole), and guess what? My convictions are more important to me than the resale value of my car. Moving on...
* - The pedometer from the "Adult Happy Meal";
* - A photograph of Farnsworth Bently (Just what the heck does that guy DO for a living?);
* - A few episodes of "Extreme Makeover" and "the Swan" on tape.
Tangent time again. Isn't it wonderful that we now live in a world where your little children are safe from having there fragile little minds irreversibly warped from a split-second glimpse of a woman's breast during T.V.'s Family Hour? And instead, during that self-same Family Hour, they can watch a wonderful educational program that teaches everyone that normal-looking people are to be pitied because they aren't pretty enough and must be corrected? (On that note, there goes that "GATTACA" theme music again.)
* - A can of Pimp Juice;
* - A big old box of "Shrek 2" tie-in crap (I think the green ketchup still wins);
* - Reading is a wonderful way to enrich your imagination and help you think for yourself! So into my capsule go Atkins for Life, Tommyland, The O'Reilly Factor for Kids, and Bill Clinton's My Life;
* - A "Vote or Die!" shirt;
* - William Hung;
2005 Edition
* - Darth Tater;
* - A "Free Katie!" T-Shirt;
* - A big binder of Harry/Draco "Slash-fic";
* - The O'Reilly Factor: For Kids (it was funny last year, it's even funnier this year);
* - One copy of each of the approximately ten-zillion "The Red Sox Won the World Series OMG WTF LOL!!!11" cash-in books/shirts/DVDs/ect.;
* - Museum catalogue that goes along with the exhibit "BodyWorlds" (brr…);
* - The "Crazy Frog" CD;
* - Freeze-dried remains of Sam the Demonic Dog;
* - A copy of Of Pandas and People;
* - An iPod Video;
* - A sample of my own DNA!!! Bwahahaha!!!
(Seriously, why should the Tyrannosaurs and Woolly Mammoths have all the creepy, ethically uncomfortable fun?)
* - A couple episodes of "Breaking Bonnaducci", "My Fair Brady", "Being Bobby Brown", and "Britney and Kevin's Chaotic" on tape (I couldn't decide which one was the most disturbing);
* - The reports from all those high-paid studio execs who were baffled by the success of "March of the Penguins".
Duh.
1) It’s basically "Finding Nemo" on ice;
2) It was practically the only G-rated movie in wide release;
3) And probably the most important, when the male penguin finds just the right girlfriend, we don’t see him going ape-s__t on "Oprah".
* - A collection of those rubber armband thingies;
* - Jennifer Wilbanks;
2006 Edition Welcome to a phenomenally bizarre year!
* - The MySpace servers (and I could really stop this year's list of Time Capsule items right there);
* - Television advertisements for prescription heartburn medicines.
Haven't had Tangent Time in a while, have we? Really, most any evidence of some kind of prescription medicine or procedure advertised on television will do. But please note, people of the future, that in the year 2006, we had *prescription medicines* for *heartburn*.
Ask yourself if heartburn is a sickness in of itself… or if it is really a symptom…
* - A couple episodes of "Britney and Kevin's Chaotic" on tape (it was funny last year, it's funnier this year);
* - An "iPod killer";
* - Lordi CD;
* - An inflatable "Scream";
* - Lindsay Lohan's Blackberry;
* - A DVD of "Popeye" cartoons;
* - Video of the "Head-On" commercial. (I must be very lucky because I only saw that thing once.)
* - T-Shirt from CBGB;
* - A DVD of "Basic Instinct 2";
* - The International Astronomical Union definition of a Planet;
* - The "Please Visit Kazakhstan!" brochure;
* - Video of Connie Chung's Goodbye Song;
* - KFC Famous Bowls advertisement.
Another Tangent! Yes, people of the future, there was at least one fast-food restaurant that flat-out encouraged it's customers to eat from what was basically a big ol' trough. Euw.
* - The "Bratz Babies" DVD.
Again, euw.
* - Copy of A Million Little Pieces;
* - TMX Elmo;
* - A bottle of Bling20.
I am secretly hoping that this product is actually a spectacular put-on. Perhaps, let us hope, it is actually a very elaborate satirical performance art piece. "Let's see who's enough of a tool to buy diamond-encrusted bottles of water!"
* - Fan-made "Snakes on a Plane" shirt;
* - A clearly labeled diagram that illustrates the many fundamental differences between a quail and a lawyer;
* - Uwe Boll;
They tried to make me do a 2007 Edition, I said, "No! No! NO!!!"
* - One of those Mooninite Lite-Brites. (sigh…)
* - A map. (Double sigh…)
* - As a matter of fact, forget the map. A globe. (Triple sigh…)
Now leave 2007 ALONE, you BASTARDS! Leave it alone!!!
Yet Another
Reiteration: Any
movies, cartoons, songs and such mentioned herein are © their respective
owners, and no endorsement (or it's opposite for that matter) is intended
by the webmistress; with the possible exception of such cases in which she
says that said material either "Rules" or "Sucks". Even
so, she is NOT getting paid for it. >:P
Home | About
| Writings |
Cyberpets |
Collections
| Links | Flame LaGremlin for having Opinions!