Ye Old Obligatory List O'Rants
I
found this crazy list that I wrote when I was, maybe, 16 (and, apparently,
very bitter and cynical) while cleaning out a box of old reports and
stuff in my room. I figured I might as well not let this thing die, even though
it's pared down considerably (the old list has got 274 items on it).
It turns out that I am annoyed by more or less the same things I was annoyed
by as a teenager.
With one exception.
Really, when I read this next one, I was ready to burst through the time barrier
and b**ch-slap my teenaged self:
"Anything that was popular... in the 80's (enough said);"
*I* use to NOT like 80s THINGS???
Blasphemy!!!
Anyhow here's the list of rant-worthy things. Mostly old stuff but there are
a few new things at the end.
1) "Full
House";
2) Laugh tracks (is the audience really so stupid that you
have to tell them when to laugh?);
3) Those Hell-spawn Olsen Twins;
4) Barney the Giant Stuffed Animal Big Brother;
5) People who only see old cartoons as "mindlessly violent";
6) Seeing outdated information in children's schoolbooks;
7) Radio stations that promise "No rap, no rock, no NOTHING";
8) Albums from old singers who have forgotten that they can't sing;
9) Commercials for movies that show all the good parts;
10) Commercials for movies that ruin the ending;
11) Kids who make their parents eat at McDonalds;
12) That idiot Shakespear fan who decided that it would be fun to release
a flock of Starlings in New York (the long version of this
story is too painful, ask any birdwatcher);
13) Little kids who want to play with your collectable toys, and when you
won't let them their parents yell at you;
14) Deja vue;
15) When your friend audibly gasps/laughs/snorts when they're reading something and
can't take a few seconds to tell you what's so interesting;
16) Live action movies based on cartoons;
17) Big "friendly" dogs that jump on top of you upon your entrance (their
owners will usually defend this behavior by saying the following unbelievably
reassuring statement: "Look how playful Boopsie is; she's just a puppy!");
18) Deja vue ("Nice kitty!");
19) People who don't want their kid to watch violent things; then THEY watch
violent things;
20) People who blame music, movies and such for the world's social problems.
Okay, this is going to be a big long rant. And I will proceed
this by saying that what I'm about to say is just a joke (even though
I shouldn't have to, but there are a LOT of irony-deficient people out there).
If I ever snap and feel the need to go on a bloody rampage (and this isn't
going to happen cause I'm VERY mellow, and this is STILL JUST A JOKE),
before I do so, I'll make sure that there's an unusual amount of Britney Spears
related material on this website.
I'll have long analyses of all her song lyrics, write big long diary entries
where her words are enacted, basically treat her like a demigoddess. THEN
I'll go insane and take out a Wall-Mart, all the while screaming "ISN'T SHE
LUUUUCKY? THIS HOOOO-LEEE-WOOD GI-I-IRL???"
"Great Gatsby, Gremlin," you're asking yourself. "What is the meaning of this
chilling scenario that you have put forth? Chilling, even though it's JUST
A JOKE
and NOT REALLY SOMETHING YOU'D EVER DO?"
Well, I'll tell you. I would bet you anything that if anyone (not me) were
to do this, Britney Spears would find herself banned or something.
As an interesting aside, you'll note that when people DO snap, they
never blame musicians (if that's the word) of the Spears/Michael Bolton/Kenny
G/Spice Girls variety.
21) People who describe recent medical adventures over dinner;
22) Romance novels and "chick flicks" (Boring! When do the aliens attack?);
23) Those "crunchy" hot dogs that are connected by those little ropey things;
24) Overexposed retired or dead people;
25) When good 80s songs are used in commercials (there is going
to be an entire generation who associates Depeche Mode with Gap jackets. *shudder*);
26) Deja vue ("Oh, S**T! What changed?");
27) the Bridges of Madison County ("Swim naked with
whales"?);
28) When you have to touch the radio or TV antennae to make it work;
29) (This one is based on a true story.) When you just got in the airplane's
bathroom and the "Return to your seat" sign flashes while you're in the middle
of... uh... "voiding your waste";
30) (Also based on a true story.) When you get out of the plane's bathroom
and those flight attendants with their big stupid food carts are crawling
down the aisle. Meanwhile your family is in the opposite end of the plane,
you're trapped behind this big stupid cart, and for some reason your fellow
passengers are giving you nasty looks (hmm, maybe I'm more
true to my online persona than I thought);
31) Squirrels in the bird feeder!!! Damn, look how long it took to get to
this one;
32) When they cancel school because of a micron of snow (bear
in mind that this is written by somebody born during the Blizzard of '78);
33) Those car commercials where the announcer screams through the whole thing;
34) That art supplies are usually more expensive than the resulting art work;
35) That "Futurama", the one sitcom I dropped everything to watch in recent years was
been scheduled at a time where it would almost always get preempted by football
or NASCAR. And then it got cancelled because "the ratings sucked and nobody got it." (Lord, may "Scrubs" never share the same fate...);
36) NASCAR (call me a mutant but I just don't see what's so
fascinating about cars driving around really fast in a circle);
37) That they no longer show Disney movies or television programs on the Disney
Channel;
38) That pretty much every movie made for kids these days is inspired, by
whole or in part, by "Home Alone" (high standards, these);
39) Message-Board Trolls! (Um, you've wasted time registering
an account just to p**s off the regular posters? Get a damn life already!)
40) When you realize that little kids don't know what a Smurf is;
41) The fact that we're going to see a lot more movies like "LXG" (shudder), "I, Robot", and "Earthsea". The thinking, if you are a Hollywood studio, seems to be thus:
1 - Observe the mint made by Harry Potter and remember how "Return of the King" owned the whole Oscars.
2 - Stomp your feet and cry and scream, "WAAAAAAAHHHH!!! Me too!"
3 - Snap up the film rights to whatever fantasy/sci-fi/graphic novel books you can get your meathooks on.
4 - Worry about the book's subject matter or fanbase later.
42) The whole Bra-Mageddon aftermath. People, it was a boob. Get over it.
Oh wait, it showed up in the middle of our yearly celebration of ritualized violence? Yeah, well, the whole debacle is still one of the most insipid things I've ever seen.
Yet Another
Reiteration: Any
movies, cartoons, songs and such mentioned herein are © their respective
owners, and no endorsement (or it's opposite for that matter) is intended
by the webmistress; with the possible exception of such cases in which she
says that said material either "Rules" or "Sucks". Even
so, she is NOT getting paid for it. >:P
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