Michael Jackson's Ghosts - the Abridged Transcript!

Before you die, you see Michael Jackson pulling his face off.

There are lots of bad movies out there, but it takes a very special sort of bad movie to develop a reputation. I'm talking about bad movies that, no matter how horrible everyone tells you they are, you still feel like you have to watch them at least once. "Plan Nine From Outer Space" is a good example. But then there are bad movies who have attained legendary status because, not only are they notoriously terrible, they are also very hard to find. That only makes the curiosity factor worse. The best example of a movie like this is the "Star Wars Holiday Special". The only way you can ever watch that one is from a bootleg video of the original (and only) time it aired. There's hardly any chance at all I'll get to see it before I die, and it is supposed to be just *this* side of completely unwatchable, but I still kind of WANT to see it.
Many years ago, I forget exactly when, a very sad Gremlin read a brief review of another movie that she was afraid she'd have to keep in that last category. But it turns out that one very brave VH1 programmer has decided to air it as a Halloween special. I've seen bits of it last year, and this time I actually sat down and *watched* the thing. And here I am to tell the tale.
My dear, dear friends, I have just witnessed the longest sixty minutes of my life. Here is the play-by-play of Michael Jackson's "Ghosts". Remember that reading it is nothing to actually watching it. You should thank your lucky stars (hmm, maybe a transcript of the "Smooth Criminal" movie should be up next?) that I don't know how to make screen-shots. Then again, I don't think I'd have the heart to subject my readers to the kinds of things you get to see in this movie.
Major Update, Jan. 07: You can now watch "Michael Jackson's Ghosts" on YouTube! I'm pretty sure that, at this rate, everything will be on YouTube. If this transcript isn't enough for you, go ahead and watch the show. Just know that you aren't going to want your eyes anymore…
Okay, I think that's enough forewarning. Questions, comments, and doubts as to my sanity may be posted at Memory Lane or emailed to me. Thank you, and on with the show.
(Please note: Some spellings of names and such are approximate, and I've skipped over the song lyrics. Most characters are left unnamed in the actual movie, so I made some names up for them. Mwahaha.)

STUDIO LOGO: Kingdom Entertainment
TITLE CARD: "Michael Jackson's GHOSTS"
EXT: Normal Valley
The NORMAL VALLEY TOWNSPEOPLE, some of whom are holding torches, march past the town's sign, which makes note of it's "regular people". They march towards M.J.'s spooky castle, located in "Someplace Else" (ah subtlety, thy name is Jackson). They all pause at the castle gates.
INNOCENT CHILD 1: "Why can't we just leave him alone?"
INNOCENT CHILD 2: "He never hurt anybody!"
INNOCENT CHILD 3: "Shut up, jerk, this is your fault!"
He hits his brother, INNOCENT CHILD 2. Then their mom hits him.
CONCERNED PARENT 1: "Don't hit your brother!"
Unmotivated Close-Up (a la Roger Ebert's list of movie clichés) on the Mayor, who resembles the SENATOR FROM "X MEN" (but with a really strange voice).
X-SENATOR: "He's a freak! There's no room for freaks in this town!!!"
Lightning flashes as if in response. The gate creaks open. A guy who reminds me of the annoying Marlon Waynes character in the "Dungeons and Dragons" movie freaks out.
SNAILS: "Tha-tha-tha-tha... THAT'S no good!!!"
The townsfolk enter the gates and walk towards the castle, as it's doors open to let them in.
IC2: "Just like last time! It's the ghosts!"
IC3: (hits his brother again) "Shut up!"
CP1: (hits her son) "DON'T hit your brother!!!"
CONCERNED PARENT 2: (hugs her son, IC1) "There's no such things as ghosts."
X-SENATOR: "And we're gonna prove it to you! (enters castle) Let's go."
The townsfolk enter the SPOOKY CASTLE!
INT: M.J.'s Castle of Spooky Doom
RANDOM TOWNSPERSON: "Did anyone call to see if this was a good time? Maybe we should come back later?"
ANOTHER RANDOM TOWNSPERSON: "Yeah, like when it's light out. You know..."
The doors shut and lock behind them. Amid many scary noises and lightning flashes, SNAILS is moved to react!
SNAILS: "Oh... oh, da-yam!"
The house leads the TOWNSPEOPLE (by opening and shutting doors) into the main ballroom, where everything is filmed in color! Oh, yeah, everything has been in black-and-white up until this scene. I probably should have mentioned that. Oh well.
We see POE THE CROW from "Eerie Indiana"! The TOWNSPEOPLE enter, some doors slam and they shout in alarm. POE flies past X-SENATOR and gives him the heebie-jeebies!
X-SENATOR: "Eek!!!"
POE: "Caw?"
He flies into another hallway, where there is a figure sneaking around in the shadows. X-SENATOR follows the crow into the hallway and comes face-to-face with...
DEATH!!!
TOWNSPEOPLE: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
DEATH removes his mask to reveal somebody even scarier... MICHAEL JACKSON!!!
TOWNSPEOPLE: (and the audience, too) "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11"
MJ: "Did I scare you?"
TOWNSPEOPLE: (in the affirmative) "Watermelonwatermeloncantelopecantelope!!!"
X-SENATOR: "You didn't scare me! Maybe you scared them, but you didn't scare me!"
MJ: "I'll have to try harder next time."
X-SENATOR: "There won't BE a next time!"
MJ: "Oh, really?"
X-SENATOR: "Really!"
MJ: "And why is that?"
X-SENATOR: "We have a nice, normal town; normal people, normal kids. And we don't need freaks like you telling ghost stories!"
MJ: "You don't believe in ghosts?"
IC1: "I do!"
RT2: "Me too!"
CP2: "Hush your mouth! (to Jacko) You see what you've done? Aren't you ashamed! Young people are impressionable!"
IC2: "Show 'em the neat things you did for us!"
IC3: "Shut up! (hits his brother) That's supposed to be a secret!"
LaGremlin's eyebrows jump up involuntarily.
GREMLIN: "Uh... WHAT???"
CP1: "DON'T HIT YOUR BROTHER!!!!"
Suddenly, something invisible hits *her*!
INVISIBLE THINGY: "Grr! Argh!"
This causes a brief pause among the TOWNSPEOPLE. X-SENATOR and MJ stare each other down for a bit.
X-SENATOR: "You're weird. You're strange. And, I don't like you. You're scaring these kids, living up here all alone!"
MJ: "I'm not alone! And you're right, I do like scaring people. But it's just for fun!"
GREMLIN: "Well, so long as he's willing to admit it."
MJ: "You kids enjoy my little... (wild gesticulations) you know..."
GREMLIN: "Say what?"
But the INNOCENT CHILDREN nod energetically.
X-SENATOR: "Fun's over! Back to the circus you freak! And do yourself a favor. Don't force us to get rough with you. Cause we will if we have to!"
TOWNSPEOPLE: (don't appear to think that this is a good plan) "Watermelonwatermeloncantelopecantelope!!!"
MJ gives the TOWNSPEOPLE a look. It is a look that says, "you are in for the LONGEST forty minutes of your life, bwahahahaha!!!"
MJ: "You're trying to scare me, aren't you? I tell you what, we'll play a game. Anybody here like games? (suddenly he is possessed by Rosie O'Donnel) HELLO??? Game Time!!!"
The TOWNSPEOPLE grin nervously.
MJ: "First person who gets scared has to leave."
X-SENATOR: "That game's for freaks."
MJ: "There's no need to be rude."
RT1: (catches on that this is going to be the LONGEST forty minutes of her life) "Uh... I-I agree, there's -uh- no need to be rude! But -uh- can we just go now...?"
MJ snaps his fingers and a crash of thunder shuts her up.
X-SENATOR: "Are you gonna leave? Or am I gonna have to hurt you?"
TOWNSPEOPLE: (REEEEALLY don't appear to think that this is a good plan) "Watermelonwatermeloncantelopecantelope!!!"
MJ: "You ARE trying to scare me! I guess I have no choice. I guess I have to scare YOU!"
GREMLIN: (terrified) "Oh sh*t."
MJ: "Tell me... (does one of his signature dance moves) does this scare you?"
The TOWNSPEOPLE react in the background through this whole scene.
X-SENATOR: "That's ridiculous. That's not funny!"
MJ: "Okay, fine. *ahem* (he does another signature dance move) Is that scary?"
X-SENATOR: "Did you hear what I said, Freaky-boy? It's time for you to go!"
MJ: (is now royally p*ssed) "Is THIS scary???"
And Michael proceeds to scare the ever-loving bejeezes out of the TOWNSFOLK and the audience.
TOWNSFOLK: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111"
They run, understandably, to the door, but it slams shut right in their faces. Ever the dedicated Annoying Stereotype, SNAILS starts crying.
MJ: "Are we going somewhere? It's too late! You are my guests! And, oh, did I tell you I wasn't alone?"
Michael gestures around, causing lightning to flash, torches to light themselves, and so on.
MJ: "Meet the family."
As the TOWNSPEOPLE react, a whole lot of GHOSTS materialize in the house in reaction to MJ's invite. Meanwhile, the plot disappears. Except for the HORRIBLE EVIL CLOWN THING, this is actually pretty cool, because it kicks off the Obligatory Michael Jackson Video Dance Spectacular Part! This particular dance involves a lot more stomping on the floor than in other videos. I mention this because it's going to be important later.
MJ: (sings "Too Bad"; and you'll have to find the words elsewhere cause they'd take up too much space here)
When the song ends, some Danny Elfman-ish music starts up and the GHOSTS start stomping all over the room. Then they stomp up the walls and along the ceiling. This is pretty cool.
But Mr. X-SENATOR isn't amused. He and MJ stare each other down again. In response, the GHOSTS drift down from the ceiling, singing like an angelic chorus for some reason or other.
GHOSTS: "OOOO-ooooo-OOOOO-oooo-OOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooh......"
GREMLIN: "Uh... huh?"
FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK
After the break, MJ rips his skin off, transforming into JACKO SKELLINGTON!
GREMLIN: "You wanna know how screwed up this is? I didn't notice anything strange about what I just typed."
JACKO SKELLINGTON: (singing and dancing around) "Is that scary for you, baby? / Is that scary for you? Ect."
Interestingly, as a skeleton, MJ still wears his sequined socks and shiny shoes. Cute touch. When he finishes dancing, he grabs X-SENATOR by the tie and pulls him forward. The GHOSTS crowd around the mantelpiece, as JACKO SKELLINGTON is now perched on top of it.
JACKO SKELLINGTON: "HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOE!!!!!!!!!!! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOE!!!!!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!"
He points to one of the GHOSTS. The GHOST flies at X-SENATOR's face while turning into something scary!
GHOST: "Boo!"
No reaction. JACKO sends another GHOST at X-SENATOR, and he flies at him turning into another something scary.
GHOST: "Blahhhh!!!!"
Nothing. The GHOSTS look at JACKO.
JACKO SKELLINGTON: "HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOE!!!!!!!!!!!"
The GHOSTS take this to mean, "fall on the floor and do this little dance where you manage to stomp a whole lot while lying down." So they do this.
HORRIBLE EVIL CLOWN THING: "Mwahahahahahaha!!!!!"
The GHOSTS dance around until they've completely surrounded X-SENATOR. JACKO snaps his fingers for them to stop, then he spins off the mantelpiece transforming into HORRIBLE GARGOYLE JACKSON!
X-SENATOR: "Ulp..."
HORRIBLE GARGOYLE JACKSON: "Are you scared yet???"
Before the SENATOR can react, HORRIBLE GARGOYLE JACKSON turns into water and makes X-SENATOR swallow him.
GREMLIN: "I'll let somebody else tackle that."
Another song starts up and X-SENATOR starts to dance... just like Michael. Hmm...?
X-SENATOR: (singing) "Don't understand it! / Don't understand it!!! Ect."
The TOWNSPEOPLE and GHOSTS get a big kick out of this. But X-SENATOR isn't too happy.
X-SENATOR: "STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
SECOND COMMERCIAL BREAK!
The GHOSTS vanish. The TOWNSPEOPLE look upset. X-SENATOR composes himself, as much as he can, until Michael's arm, holding a mirror, bursts like a baby Alien out of his stomach. X-SENATOR reacts to this by transforming into one of the friendly trolls from the "My Little Pony" movie.
SENATOR TROLL: "Who's scary now? Freak boy? Freak circus freak? Who's scary???"
The TOWNSFOLK look a bit more upset.
SENATOR TROLL: "Who's weird now? Raaaaawrrrr?"
SENATOR TROLL growls some more and then pukes up the Michael water. Or something. He changes back to normal, but looks considerably shaken, especially when MJ returns. MJ bows deeply.
MJ: "So, still want me to go?"
The TOWNSPEOPLE shake their heads, "no".
X-SENATOR: "Yes! YES!!!"
MJ: "Fine. I'll go."
So MJ leaves in the only way appropriate after all this. He's going to stomp his way out. The TOWNSPEOPLE react sadly as he smashes himself to little pieces which then blow away. They all stare sadly at the floor for a long, long time.
X-SENATOR: "Good riddance. Let's go. Let's GO! (he notices most people aren't following him) LET'S GO!!! That freak."
Then the ballroom doors burst open, revealing GIANT HORRIBLE GARGOYLE JACKSON!!!
GIANT HORRIBLE GARGOYLE JACKSON: "He-LO-o???"
X-SENATOR screams and races away from that awful face, through the ballroom, and out the window, presumably to a messy Disney Villain Death.
The TOWNSPEOPLE turn to meet Michael, who saunters through the doorway with a big, big smile.
MJ: "Did I scare you?"
TOWNSPEOPLE: (cheering MJ) "Watermelonwatermeloncantelopecantelope!"
Well, of COURSE they're going to cheer! Think about it. Suppose you have some friends for dinner, and after the meal, one of them up and does exactly what Michael did here. You're going to try and tell me you *wouldn't* applaud? I'd be terrified not to.
MJ: "But DID WE HAVE A GOOD TIME HERE? He-LO-o???"
TOWNSPEOPLE: (nervously) "Watermelonwatermeloncantelopecantelope!"
They fall quiet for a bit as a shadowy figure moves in behind MJ. He turns to greet...
DEATH!!!
MJ: "EEK!"
DEATH removes his mask to reveal two of the INNOCENT CHILDREN.
IC2: "Did I scare you?"
MJ: "No. Well, a little bit. Yeah, maybe."
Everybody laughs this off and then...
IC3: "Excuse me? Yeah. (dark look) Is THIS scary???"
EXT: Outside the Spooky Castle
We hear the TOWNSPEOPLE screaming and the GHOSTS fly off. The end!

Well, I hope you all enjoyed this. If you didn't, just know that I *could* have been watching "Aliens" for the 37'th time instead of typing this. Don't ever say I never make sacrifices for you all. ^_^
Happy Halloween!