Hopefully,
you are all familiar with the "88 ways to Tell if You're Stuck in the
80s" list, or some variation. Well, I thought it deserved a little sister.
Here she is.
Note: This list has been sort of retro-dedicated to both Layne Staley and Lisa "Left-Eye" Lopes, who defined the music of the early 90's for most of us.
99 Ways to Tell if You are Stuck in the Early '90s
1) You liked
Jim Carrey better when he was a pyromaniac.
2) You feel sad thinking about MC Hammer's career.
3) Your most prized possession is a collection of slap bracelets.
4) You know Vanilla Ice's real name.
5) Blossom is your heroine.
6) Everything you own is emblazoned with the New Kids on the Block logo.
7) You don't understand why the word POG is such a ready go-to punchline.
8) You watch the Rosie O'Donnell show thinking, "well, she's no Arsenio Hall,
that's for sure."
9) You STILL remember the "Jurassic Park" release date.
10) You know what D. J. Tanner's initials stand for.
11) You have every single episode of "My So Called Life" on video.
12) You liked Leonardo DiCaprio better when he climbed the water tower and
asked "Where's Artie?"
13) You still smell like Teen Spirit, literally.
14) You know all the words to the "Fresh Prince of Bel Aire" theme song.
15) Inspired by Kriss Kross, you always wear an oversize baseball jersey backwards.
16) When you and your friends are confronted by danger, you shout, "We need
Dinozord Power, NOW!!!" and are most upset when nothing happens.
17) You still collect trolls.
18) You have a secret stash of OK soda and Crystal Pepsi.
19) You are a middle class white kid, but you use expressions like, "Yo, homies!
Zup?" without a hint of irony.
20) You wear a goose down coat in May.
21) You make it Earth day, every day.
22) Your SO unbelievable, that you are among the shiny happy people and consider
yourself too sexy for your car.
23) You know what Zima is supposed to taste like.
24) You have the Milli Vanilli comeback album.
25) You decorate your room with glow in the dark EVERYTHING.
26) You can do the "Happy Happy, Joy Joy" dance.
27) You cried during the final episode of "the Wonder Years".
28) You still have a "Saddam Insane" T-shirt.
29) You took art classes just to give yourself the edge in Pictionary.
30) You know the name of Slater's (late) pet lizard.
31) All your medical information comes from "Doogie Howser".
32) You birdwatch (believe it or not, that was a popular hobby back then,
because of the environmentalist appeal).
33) You are planning a dream vacation to Ferngully.
34) You know that Mitchell is The Man, Joe!
35) You understand those Bud Ice commercials with the Sinatra wannabe penguin.
36) You scream, "AAUUUGH!!!!" after applying aftershave.
37) You liked Johnny Depp better in "21 Jump Street".
38) Somebody mentions Robert James Waller and you do not answer "Who?"
39) When you saw "Boogie Nights" you wondered, "Where's Donnie?"
40) You and your friends hang out in a coffee shop with a statue of a hockey
player on top that is run by a borderline psychotic.
41) You remember the name of the baseball team Michael Jordan played for.
42) Before you go to a major competition, you get your bodyguard to beat up
your main rival.
43) You blame your parents, your environment, momentary insanity, gangsta
rap, premillenial tension, or whomever's handy for your behavior.
44) You openly protested the live action remake of the "Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles" cartoon.
45) Your favorite movie quote involves fava beans and a nice Chianté.
46) Pauley Shore is your hero.
47) You are still down with O.P.P.
48) You remember all the steps to the Electric Slide.
49) On the serious tip, there is a small alcove in your room where you have
the Cobain Memorial.
50) You wear a plaid flannel shirt with everything.
51) Every part of your body is pierced or tattooed.
52) Your other favorite quote is, "Oh my God, Becky, look at her! Look at
her butt! It is like, SO big! She looks like one of them rap guy's girlfriends!"
53) You can name all the Tiny Toons.
54) Your fondest childhood memory was when Bart Simpson met Mr. Hugh Jass.
55) When you get thirsty while working on your computer, you shout, "Tea!
Earl Grey! Hot!" and are surprised when nothing happens.
56) You entertain captive whales with your little harmonica.
57) On some level or other, Barney STILL irritates you.
58) Your directorial influence is Spike Lee.
59) You understood "the Last Action Hero".
60) All your sneakers have inflatable tongues (I won't make the joke, you
can).
61) You belong to the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club and hold heated debates
with a stuffed animal.
62) You have little zebra stripes shaved into your hair.
63) Your musical influence is David Pirner.
64) Your entire wardrobe came from a thrift store.
65) You want to be one of the Planeteers and are planning a cruise to Eden
Island.
66) You style your hair with a little waffle iron.
67) You can name all the City Slickers.
68) You can name everyone on the Dream Team lineup.
69) Your fondest memory was when the overzealous fan gave Danny his underpants
back on Oprah.
70) You mourn the untimely loss of the cartoons, "Family Dog", "Fish Police",
"Capitol Critters", "Freakazoid", and "Cadillacs and Dinosaurs".
71) Your lifelong dream is to cruise the seven seas on a giant submarine copiloted
by a talking dolphin.
72) You don't go anywhere without matte lipstick, button fly jeans, and enough
hand woven friendship bracelets to cover up to both your elbows.
73) You hold Battle for World Domination Tournaments of "Scattergories".
74) You can name all the characters on "Step By Step".
75) You are sending letters to Nickelodeon, demanding that they bring back
"the Adventures of Pete and Pete", "Eureeka's Castle" and "Roundhouse".
76) You live on Smartfood and Doritos.
77) You like the acoustic version of Eric Clapton's "Leila" better than the
original. Really? Get help!
78) You are still angry that "Pulp Fiction" lost the Oscar to "Forrest Gump"
that year.
79) You know that everybody hurts, sometimes.
80) As inspired by "Parker Lewis Can't Loose", you carry all sorts of useful
inventions in your jacket.
81) You wouldn't trade your first edition, black and white Mac computer for
any newfangled PC.
82) You have a hidden stash of Malibu Musk.
83) You want to go on a road trip to Happy World Land.
84) If you were in charge, the movie trilogy getting the fully restored "Special
Edition" treatment would be the "House Party" series.
85) You still don't understand the video for Meat Loaf's "I Would Do Anything
For Love (but not that)".
86) You remember when Steve Urkle drank the spiked punch and did the "Ur ur
ur ur ur ur ur Urkle!!!" dance.
87) Somebody mentions the Jerky Boys and you do not say "Who?"
88) You can identify your top ten favorite Warner Bros. cartoons by title
and director.
89) You hear all about how depressing "Party of Five" is and wonder whether
these people have ever seen "Life Goes On".
90) You're still not quite sure what happened to Brenda and Dylan.
91) You're favorite Adam Sandler movie is "Airheads".
92) You have nightmares about Crazy Joe Davola.
93) People can tell your mood by looking at your Hypercolor shirt.
94) You still think using phrases like "extreme something" and "alternative
something" and "cyber-something" make you sound cool.
95) Every so often, you have to ask yourself, "what would Jay and Silent
Bob do?"
96) Scorch the dragon is your Power Animal.
97) You tease your bangs!
98) You watched "the Matrix" and thought, "Well it ain't 'Hackers',
that's for sure!"
99) You still think "Beavis and Butthead" is the most outrageous
cartoon out there.
Yet Another
Reiteration: Any
movies, cartoons, songs and such mentioned herein are © their respective
owners, and no endorsement (or it's opposite for that matter) is intended
by the webmistress; with the possible exception of such cases in which she
says that said material either "Rules" or "Sucks". Even
so, she is NOT getting paid for it. >:P
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