December 4, 1999 7:46 pm

Well if you noticed the quit meter on my index page, you see that I have reset it.  I finally have to admit that all of my *slips* have added up to *cheating* so the only fair thing to do is to start over.  So here I am back at day one.  It isn't so bad.  At least I know that for the first two weeks I can not be trusted to be alone.  It is just too easy to cheat.  At least it's too expensive to cheat too much.  Yesterday I snuck to the 7-11 when Arzachena was at class and bought a pack of Camels.  Smoked 3, and then left the rest on the bench so some other poor soul could take them away.  Three hours later, I was back at the 7-11.  Smoked 2 and threw the pack in a garbage can.  Ouch that's expensive. *Sigh*. Then to top it all off, my boyfriend still had some left over cigarettes from an old pack so we finished those off too.  So I must admit that I have not just slipped- I have cheated.  12 days down the drain. *Sniff*

I have also stopped using the patch.  It interferes with my sleep too much. I love the dreams and everything (Freud would blush!), but I wake up so exhausted I just couldn't take it anymore.  I am still taking the St. John's Wort.  I haven't blown up at anybody lately, but that may have been more of a result of self-control than anything else.  Then again, maybe not-as you can see my self-control isn't horribly strong.

I do think I can do it though.  You see, I have made myself a promise-if I don't smoke (not even ONE PUFF) from now until New Year's Eve, I can smoke until the clock strikes 12 on New Year's Eve and brings in the century (Not the Millennium-sorry folks but the Millennium doesn't begin until 2001 so there-plthththt.  The only reason why such a fuss is made over it this year is because of MARKETING and $$$$.  This way they get to celebrate the "Millennium" twice).  Sorta my last smokes of the century.  I know, I know- it's not the smartest thing to do in the world-but give me a break!! This New Year's is going to be I-N-C-R-E-D-I-B-L-E!!!  It's a once in a lifetime thing!!  (Yes, I know its just a rationalization-but I happen to think its a rationalization that works).  So I am determined to keep that promise. 

I have also been attempting to spruce up this website a little.  I have absolutely no design skill whatsoever.  But I am working on it.  I have been working on the Links section.  I added an applet that has a bunch of resources to check out, as well as games to play in case of a craving.  I am hoping to add a meditation room too.  However, the applet isn't finished yet.   Also, I want to add a picture to my profile, so you can see how I look (God know why but people get curious, right?)  (In case you haven't noticed- if you look on the geocities ad-square on the upper-right side it has a bunch of links so you can find out stuff about me, or send me a message via yahoo messenger).

Lately I have been surfing the web a bit.  As I mentioned before I am in the midst of some major changes in my life and there are still a lot of issues that I need to deal with. Depression, self-injury, etc.  No I haven't made that appointment yet to see a counselor.  But I will.  Anyway, I am debating whether to add a depression section to this site.  I think I will someday, but I will keep it just about smoking right now-one thing at a time, right?  I better get this down first before I move onto something else.  But I would like to add something about Self-injury here too.  It is a very serious topic that is not discussed much in Real Life.  And most of the websites I found about self-injury don't really explain what it is- it's usually just a journal about their personal experience of it.  (Which is still very informative, but doesn't help to explain everything). I don't know though.  I haven't decided yet.

I have found a couple of really cool websites which have touched me.  The first is called the Body Objective.  It is a great site for women, and really helped me to begin to understand myself as a woman.  All of my life I have been led to believe that a beautiful woman is supposed to look a certain way.  And of course this "look" (big, round, perky breasts; slim waist, small, hips, long legs, no bumps) is created by Men.  Why do Men get to decide what women are supposed to look like?  I happen to think a natural woman's body is beautiful-bumps and all.   And why does it need to be hidden?  What is so shameful about a woman's nipples that they cannot be shown yet a man's can?  And why are all the words to describe a woman's genitals made by men?  And why are women not allowed to like sex?  Why do we label other women sluts, whores, and the like?  There are no male equivalents to those words!  Most women don't know very much about their own bodies.  When describing their Yoni (genitals) they use the term "down there"!  What is so shameful about it that you cannot not even name it!!  It is time women took control over their bodies.  The Body Objective really demonstrates this.  Another site to check out is About-Face .  This site is dedicated to stopping the exploitation of women's bodies to sell products.  Anyway, all this web surfing is helping me to define what "Woman" means to me and how it affects my life.  I am a very sexual person and I think it messed me up in a lot of ways.  At least society's rules regarding my sexuality as a woman messed me up.  I like sex shops.  I like vibrators.  I like swinging.  I like dildos.  I like sex!  In fact, I believe that if I want to make money off of my god-given talents, than I ought to be able to!  It is my body and I should be the one who decides what I can do with it.  And I will not feel ashamed for believing in that right.

Anywho (lol) maybe I should get back to smoking, eh?  This is supposed to be a journal about quitting smoking isn't it.  Sorry for that little tangent.  My roommate is driving me nuts sometimes.  She will just casually mention that she cheated.  That of course just makes me want to cheat too.  LOL.  But she has been doing very well.  And I am glad for her.  But she is just too gosh-darned perky!  She is always complaining that the Zyban is making her wake up too early (her usual wake-up time is 11am, 12pm, now is waking up at 7am, 8am).  I would LOVE to be able to wake up then and not be miserable. But now with the patch, I sleep all day and I still feel tired. When she wakes up at 8 am and is all like "Gosh, I hate waking up this early- I am so bored with nothing to do!" and her eyes are all bright and she is dressed and ready to go- I JUST WANT TO CHOKE THE LIFE OUT OF HER!  The other day I thought I might actually do it--you see she actually showed up to class an hour early!! (She thought that she was late, and didn't realize that she had woken up early).  She was all complaining about it.  I would kill to even get to class on time, let alone early!! I haven't even gone to class the last week and a half because I have been so exhausted!!  Grrrrrrr.  Then she'll sit down and be like "Gee I haven't felt a craving in 3 days!! This quitting thing is so easy!" GRRRRRRRRRR.  Do you see why I would like to CHOKE THE LIFE OUT OF HER??  Anyway, needless to say I have kept the fact that I re-set my quit meter to myself.  LOL.  But I am so glad that she is doing this quitting thing with me- I don't think I could have made it so far without her.  And I have decided that I need to stay away from the Q just a little.  I have noticed that it has become one of my triggers now.  It was very helpful in the very beginning, and I am sure I will need to go back to it later, but for now I need to stay away from anything connected with cigarettes.   I have noticed this happening with a lot of people who hit the 2 week mark- they often mention that they need some space from the Q. It's probably because you have basically heard all there is to say- after a while all the posts begin to look the same.  Not that I don't love the Q anymore- I do!! I just need a slight break :)

Hmm, this journal entry is looking like a lot of random thoughts to me.  I guess I should make it somewhat constructive.  So I think I will identify my newly discovered triggers since today is my new quit date.

9:35pm- UPDATE!!!-  My roommate has been having computer troubles so I helped her out a bit with them.  When I was bending over her chair to look at her screen, I happened to glance at her bag that was lying on the floor.  The front pocket was open and guess what was in it??  A nice pack of camels!!  Hmm, guess quitting hasn't been too easy for her after all, eh?  LMAO.  I didn't confront her about it because it is HER quit, and HER business, not mine.  But it is pretty funny isn't it?  I just hope it doesn't tempt me.  Remember my 2nd journal entry?  That was how I cheated the first time.  I hope I will be strong enough not to sneak one after she goes to bed!!  Sheesh, this is exactly what I don't need.  

Well, I have 3 papers due on Monday, so I don't think I will be doing much soul searching the next couple of days.  Until them. Ciao.

-LR

20 hours, 6 minutes and 57 seconds. 25 cigarettes not smoked, saving $4.71. Life saved: 2 hours, 5 minutes.

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