November 28, 1999 1:14 am
Well here I am, one hour short of Day 6. I must say it has been quite an adventure getting to here! My Thanksgiving was miserable, thank you. I positively was in tears the whole time. For those that don't know, I was left all alone for Thanksgiving. I couldn't afford to go home to my family, and all of my friends were gone for their Thanksgivings. I didn't even get any Turkey :(. I know, Boo-hoo me. There are plenty of people out there that would be Thankful for what I had. But I was very miserable! And this close (holding my fingers apart really closely) to going out and getting some cigs. But instead I posted to the Q (quitnet.org), and waited for some support. And I got it! Not only did I receive such warm posts on the Q, but I made a few new ICQ friends too! I am very thankful that I got through that day.
Tonite, lol, was fun. My roomie confessed to me that she had cheated. Her rationalization was that if she was out at a bar and she smoked less than 3, then it was ok. Of course, now I wanted one. My addict-mind started churning out tons of rationalizations so that I could smoke too: It's ok to go buy a pack at the 7-11, just as long as you only smoke cigs on the way back and then throw the rest away (the walk-and-toss-method); or it's ok to smoke a cigarette that you bummed off of somebody on the street (Bum method); or its ok to smoke cigs that are left in somebody else's ashtray (1/2 a cig + 1/2 a cig=0 cigs method). Sheesh, what a loser I am ;). But I didn't give in. Actually I should say my roommate didn't give in-I just didn't want to cheat alone. But as always, the cravings eventually passed (and the 7-11 closed).
Every once in a while in my life, I feel this very tiny, small feeling that I am about to change and grow as a person. So far, I must have changed personalities/perceptions/lifestyles 10 times. One of my old friends used to tell me that she could barely recognize me after a new school year because I had changed so much. But major changes come few and far between and they are usually very gradually. Well, in the last few weeks I have been feeling that little feeling. It's time for me to change and grow again. Quitting smoking is only the first step. There are so many other unhealthy behaviors in my life that I need to fix. First, I need to get my body into better shape. I'm not overweight or anything, but I would like to have a bit more muscle and be able to run for more than 5 minutes at a time! Also, it's time for me to get some psychological help. I have been suffering from depression for the last 4-5 years (if not longer) and I can no longer deal with it alone. I have a lot of sh%& in my life that needs to be dealt with and healed. Perhaps it is time to admit some things to myself that I have been reluctant to deal with in the past (read: denial).
My mother is an alcoholic and my father is an enabler. For the longest time, I made my mother into the Devil and my father an Angel. But I know now that that isn't completely true. My mother is not to blame for everything and my father is not blameless. Where was he when I was in agony because of my mother's behavior? Why didn't he ever acknowledge the fact that my mother was a drunk? Why won't ANYONE at least say something about it, instead of just letting my mother go on killing herself and destroying relationships? My entire mother's side of the family are alcoholics, and it probably means I am one too (alcoholism tends to be hereditary). Although I have never been much of a drinker, it is probably time for me to decide whether I want to risk that path or not. I also need to learn a healthy way of coping in relationships. Because I spent my entire life so far with an alcoholic and an enabler, I have not learned the healthiest of ways to express love or anger. Hugging, kissing, touching, affectionate words, encouragement-things that most people take for granted-do not come easily to me. It's time I learned.
By the end of my freshman year in college I was pregnant, and had an abortion. By my sophomore year I was back to cutting myself again. By this year I have sunk so deep that I no longer have any interest in socializing with anyone, or doing anything. On an online depression quiz. I checked 14 boxes. It tells me that if I checked 5 or more, than I am suffering from depression. I am tired of telling everyone that everything is A Ok, because its not. I need help, and I need it soon. I can't keep this up for much longer, because it will break me. So one of my goals now is to stop by the counseling center and get an initial consultation. I will see where I go from there.
I told you in the last journal that I was going to talk about Step 2 today. But it seems I am still working on Step 1 and admitting that I need help. So we will just leave it at that.
On an aside note: I have begun taking St. John's Wort (aka the poor man's Zyban) to see of that helps with the crazies. I haven't noticed anything so far. Oh yeah, and I also found out that one of my major triggers is when I am alone-because I know that's when I can get away with cheating the most. I will have to find a way to deal with that.
Until Next Time!
-LR
Six days, 12 minutes and 16 seconds. 180 cigarettes not smoked, saving $33.80. Life saved: 15 hours, 0 minutes.