November 22, 1999
Well, I had to reset my quit meter last night. I cheated. It had been going pretty well too. 3 days. It wasn't so bad, except that I was constantly blowing up at my boyfriend for no reason at all- I gotta find a better way to cope with anger. Secretly, I think I yelled at him because I knew I could get away with it. I could just blame it on withdrawal. Not a good thing. Anyway, back to my cheating. Well, my roommate was gone for the weekend, and I was sitting all by myself. I figured now would be a good time to get some cleaning done (not the half-assed way she calls cleaning, hehe). So I scrubbed the floors and moved old boxes out of the way; I even cleaned up her desk for her. Well that was a mistake. I saw her bag sitting next to the desk, and I wondered to myself- " I wonder if she kept her cigarettes in there?" (her quit date wasn't until today). "I know she said she had gotten rid of everything- but you never know!". So I made myself a bet. If there were no cigarettes- I wouldn't smoke (duh). There wasn't supposed to be anyway, so of course this wouldn't hurt anything. But if there were any cigarettes- I could have a few. Well, lo and behold. A pack of tobacco and some rolling papers. So what did I do? Well of course I took them and happily rolled myself some cigarettes.
I wasn't even craving anyway! But I gave in. If only I hadn't cleaned her desk, or if she had just thrown them away like she said she did (****EXCUSES--I COULD HAVE JUST PUT THE TOBACCO BACK WHERE I FOUND IT!****). Well I reset my quit meter, and am starting again. *Sigh*. Oh well, we all have slips. At least this time I am not giving up completely. I am right back on that horse :)
I have been reading "Understanding the Twelve Steps" by Terrence T. Gorski. It is an excellent book. I definitely recommend it! Since I come from an addicted family (one parent is an alcoholic, the other is an enabler), I figure this book can help me over come some of the addiction-behaviors that I have learned (such as yelling and demanding when I have a craving) from my family and from smoking. I have also visited the nicotine anonymous site- it helps to adapt the 12 steps to nicotine. (see the links and resources section) I have many issues to work on (but that's another journal entry, lol). The first step in the 12 steps is
We admitted we were powerless over nicotine, that our lives had become unmanageable
Well I have got the first step down. I have finally realized that I have absolutely no power whatsoever over nicotine (see the about me section). It's the second part of this statement that took me a little while to get. My life HAD become unmanageable with cigarettes. I would happily go broke in order to buy cigarettes. And then borrow money from my friends and boyfriend to buy more ( I must owe at least 500$ to my boyfriend just from cigs). My health was going down the drain. I was hiding the fact that I smoked from my family, which caused shame and guilt. When I didn't have any cigs, I was a BITCH to everyone. I hurt my boyfriend so many times when I was having a craving I am surprised he is still with me. I was unhappy. My life was unmanageable. And so I came to the realization that I am an addict - I am addicted to nicotine, and that it is harmful to me and to those around me. And I am going to do something about it. Mr. Gorski says there are 4 aspects to this step ( I have edited it for cigarettes):
1) Admit that the use of [cigarettes] has caused major problems in your life.- See above. It certainly has caused problems.
2)Admit that you are powerless to control the use of [cigarettes]- When I slipped last nite, I didn't just have one cigarette, I had five. There was no way that I could have had just one. I can never have just one. I know that. I admit that. There is no such thing as "casual" smoking for me. I am a die-hard smoker, and I will be a die-hard ex-smoker.
3) Admit that your life has become unmanageable as a result of [cigarettes].-Again, see above.
4) Admit that you are powerless to manage your own life effectively as long as you continue to use [cigarettes]-As long as I continue to smoke, cigarettes will run my life. They will determine which section of the restaurant I sit in. They will determine when I need to take a break. They will always be telling me what to do.
This is my first step :) Next journal entry: Step 2.
In the meantime, I have been keeping myself smoke-free by stopping by quitnet everyday to at least read the posts and remind myself that smoking is not an option. It helps a great deal (the Q is my "meeting"). Just Show Up, as they say in AA. :) I have also started going to dietwatch again (www.dietwatch.com). I figure it's time to repair the damage I have done to my body. I need to start exercising (and breathing) again, and watch what I put in my body. If I can stop putting cigarettes in my body, I can stop putting all the other harmful chemicals that come in junk food in my body. Besides it would be nice to lose a few pounds and gain a little extra muscle :)
Finally I would like to close this entry with my affirmation for today :)
I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stops smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking. I will stop smoking.
-LR
13 hours, 18 minutes and 47 seconds. 16 cigarettes not smoked, saving $3.12. Life saved: 1 hour, 20 minutes.