After the peach cobbler was sorted out and eaten and the dishes were done, every one went out on the front porch for a bit of cool, evening air. The Martins, specifically William and Joanne, both needed it. As for Aunt Sue and Glimmergroin, they retreated to the gazebo where they could enjoy each other’s company out of ear shot.
“I do wonder,” said William, “that Aunt Sue hasn’t mentioned going home yet. She’s usually the first one to holler come nightfall.”
“It will be an awful long drive, Stu, for you,” Joanne added. “Down to Calhoun and back again.”
Stu eyed his aunt with new appreciation. “Somehow, I doubt she’s going anywhere unless you strap blasting caps to her ass end."
Joanne swatted at her son’s arm and immediately retreated when the tall, fair creature with the punk hairdo growled.
“She’s awfully smitten by your friend,” William agreed as the phone shrilled. Both he and his wife shouted, “I‘ll get it“ at the same time and fled the front porch, nearly tearing the screen door from it‘s hinges in their haste.
A second later and Joanne screamed from inside her kitchen. “Stu? Stu, it’s Brenda.”
“Here?” Suddenly the bone handled knives were in Legless’ hands.
“No, Legless! Sit!” Stu flapped his arms. “She’s on the phone.” He breathed a sigh as his elf reluctantly put away his knives. One disaster averted, or so he thought, Stu went inside the house and took the phone from his mother. It was an old-fashioned one with a curly cord that could stretch all the way to the living room and a rotary dial. Joanne didn’t want a ‘new-fangled’ cordless phone in her kitchen, cluttering up her counters and getting lost.
“Hello? Brenda? Is that you?”
“Stu Martin, where the hell have you been? Do you know your girls have been worried sick about you?” Brenda’s voice was shrill, despite her pack and a half a day habit.
Legless stared at the marigold colored receiver with a frown and then trailed his fingers over the pig-tailed cord to the transmitter attached to the wall. He walked to the living room and stared at the blank wall for a moment and then wandered back into the kitchen to stare again at the phone.
“And, to beat all, you’re behind on child support.” Stu held the receiver away from his ear and Brenda’s voice carried clearly throughout the kitchen.
“Now, wait a minute, Brenda Jo,” William said to the phone. “That’s not true. I’ve been giving you money ever since Stu left. Don’t you go telling stories."
“Beloved, I believe your palantir is cursed, just like the ones in Middle-earth,” Legless commented. “You should destroy it.”
“What in Sam Hill does he mean my planters are cursed?” Joanne demanded of William.
William gave his wife a bemused shrug for an answer.
Stu waved Legless down. “No, this is the way Brenda always sounds.” To his ex, he said. “I’m sorry for all the trouble, Bren, I really am. I just had to go find myself.”
“He didn’t look hard enough,” William muttered.
“I think maybe he looked too hard,” Joanne countered.
“Look for yourself? Hells bells, Stu.”
“It’s all water under the bridge, Brenda. I’m back and whatever it is, I’ll take care of it.”
“Yeah, sure you are. Well, buster let me tell you, I’m gonna reach right through this phone and touch you for sure this time. New York ain‘t so far away that I can‘t get you.”
“Whaddafuckdoyouthinkyou’redoin‘?” Stu screamed and released the phone just as Legless’ sharp teeth sank into the handset. “No, Legless, no. Stop chewin’ on the phone! She didn’t mean it literally!”
“Hello? Hello? What’s that crunching sound?” Brenda’s voice echoed through the earpiece.
Legless’ blue eyes shifted as he held the phone receiver between his two hands and gnawed on the handle.
*~*
Aunt Sue stretched. It was past her normal seven o’clock bedtime, but she didn’t really care. “Do you know what I like of an evening?”
Glimmergroin’s ears perked. “What, my lady?”
“I like a tall glass of buttermilk with cornbread and a thick slice of Vidalia onion.”
The dwarf blinked. Aunt Sue was an unusual human in every respect. She was short, for one, taller than a hobbit or a dwarf, although not by much. She had the same sparse body hair as a human, but was rounder in the middle, like a hobbit. He found her peculiarities highly erotic, especially the way her curly brown hair scooted around on her head when she scratched it.
“I do not believe I’ve ever tasted buttermilk and Vidalion.”
“Well, mister, you are in for a rare treat. I just know Joanne has some left over cornbread.” She got up from the bench and held out her hand. “Coming, dear?”
“Of course, my lady.”
Glimmergroin and Aunt Sue entered the kitchen just in time to see Legless grab the phone from Stu and begin gnawing on it. Sue stopped, confusing plainly showing on her face. “What in the world?”
“Oh, it’s nothing, lass. Legless is a bit overly protective. You do get used to it. You shoulda seen when he sank his teeth into the wizard‘s ankle after Worm Tongue stabbed the Steward in the arse.” The dwarf said, unconcerned by all the screaming and flailing arms and growling.
Joanne felt faint and groped for a chair while William frowned and tried to assess what the strange hairy man had said.
“My, my,” said Aunt Sue. “Doesn’t that sound just like an adventure? What did he poke the steward in the ass with?’
“Aunt Sue!” Joanne roused herself.
“A sword. But it wasn’t all that unusual. Stu’s always getting’ poked in the ass by something.”
Sue gave Legless a speculative glance. “You don’t say. Joanne, dear, do you have any left over cornbread? Me and Gimmlee feel like a snack.”
Stu finally wrestled the receiver away from the elf and held it gingerly in his palm. The middle had sharp teeth marks in and the whole thing was coated in elf slobber. “What’s this about being in New York?”
“I moved about a year after you high tailed out of Ringgold. Me and the girls and Rich.”
“How nice,” Stu said equitably. “You like it up there?”
“Well, yes, Queens is very nice. And Rich has a good job with an accounting firm.”
“Gee, honey, that’s swell. I’m glad to hear ya’ll doing so good. Can I speak to my girls now?”
“They ain’t here yet. One’s at her friend’s house and the other two's at basketball practice.”
“Oh, well, that’s a shame. Tell you what, mom and dad got the number? I’ll give ‘em a call later in the week and explain things to ‘em.” Brenda, suddenly suspicious, agreed that Mr. and Mrs. Martin had contact information. “Excellent. Excellent. You gonna let ‘em come down here for the summer? Spend some time with the family and all?”
“Maybe. Actually, Stu, if you’re settled in….”
“Yeah, I’m getting there.”
“Oh, I have to go. Listen, I’ll call in a day or so. Don’t call here, now, and get every one all upset.” Brenda hung up, leaving Stu stammering into the phone.
In the kitchen, Aunt Sue scrounged up half a pan of leftover cornbread and stuffed two glasses half full with the crumbly, yellow bread. She poured buttermilk in the glasses. Digging in the pantry, she located a large Vidalia onion and quickly peeled it and sliced it in half. The pungent aroma filled the kitchen and Stu’s nose crinkled.
“You eat that, Glimmergroin, and you ain’t sleepin’ in the same room as me,” he jabbed his finger for emphasis.
“Why not, laddie?” Glimmergroin stirred the concoction with a spoon, and following Sue’s lead, dipped the onion, took a big bite and then gulped the buttermilk, only to shove a spoonful of soaked cornbread in his mouth.
“Good, yeah?” Sue nodded.
“Cause you’ll be belching and farting all night long, that’s why.” Stu grumbled.
“I’m sure we can find some place for him to sleep, Stu,” Joanne said helpfully.
William muttered into his palm, “How about Atlanta?”
Joanne pinched her husband‘s bicep. “I was hoping for a little more sympathetic cooperation.”
Glimmergroin hummed as he ate, a sign that he appreciated his victuals. “Excellent idea, dear lady. I can see why you eat this before bedtime. I bet you sleep like a log.” He mopped his lips with his beard.
Legless had finally calmed down. “Is Brenda always like this?”
Stu took a tea towel to the phone and cleaned it off. “Pretty much. She’s always been kinda high strung.”
“I look forward to seeing her reaction to the news we are bonded.”
Stu froze, one hand in mid-motion. “I’d sort of hoped to avoid mentioning that part.”
“You’re running from the law?” Joanne’s voice rose just a half note at the end. “Oh, my God, Stewart, what have you done?”
“What? No, no. I’m not in any trouble,” Stu laughed nervously. “It’s not that kind of bonded. No, no.”
“Then what is it, exactly?” William asked his son.
“Complicated,” Stu muttered as he saw the serene smile spread over the elf’s face. “Very complicated.”