Stu lost count of the number of shots he drank after Glimmergroin talked his Aunt Sue into a farting contest on the front porch. His mother went to bed with a headache after providing pillows and blankets for ‘the boys’ and William joined his son at the kitchen table. Oddly, the Jack Daniels seemed rather tame after the drink the elves called wine and Stu drank more than he realized. At one point, he remembered trying to explain to his father how he’d become bonded with Legless, but the story became tangled up with Frito’s hairy feet and pervy elf fancy, Grandlaff‘s ass-obssession, and Hal-drear‘s rather odd pregnancy with the Heir Apparent. By the time he’d come to the end of his tale, the Jack Daniel’s bottle was empty and his father was passed out in the floor. Unable to lift him on his own, Stu staggered into the living room in search of blankets, only to discover that both Glimmergroin and Aunt Sue were missing. Only Legless remained in the comfortably over-feminine room, staring wide-eyed at the television screen while a woman demonstrated the many uses of a long handled machine that turned nuts into a creamy paste and egg whites into mayo.
By the time he’d gotten a blanket and pillow for his father and convinced Legless that it would upset the elder Martin to find himself being carried up the stairs by a punk rocker--it’d taken nearly half an hour to explain that one--Stu had been virtually dead on his feet and fallen face first on to the couch.
*~*
“Yeow!”
“Oh, my, did I damage anything?”
“Nothing important, I’m sure,” Legless’ voice drifted serenely over Glimmergroin’s yelping.
Stu cracked open an eye and stared around the room. He opened a second eye. He blinked several times, trying to focus his blurry vision. From the kitchen, he heard noises that didn’t sound right to his whiskey fuddled mind and he sat up slowly, trying to figure out why his Aunt Sue was in Im-lad-rees. Staggering from the living room, Stu stopped dead in his tracks and stared in open-mouthed horror.
“WhadafuckareyoudoingtoGlimmergroin?”
Sue looked from the floor where she was just eye level with the dwarf’s hairy belly. She had a handful of material clutched in her fist and a measuring tape slung around her neck. As usual, her curly wig was askew. “We found some lovely material in the attic and I thought I’d make the boys some clothes. These don’t fit them properly and we found a pattern that Gimlee just loved.”
“I want a pair just like them,” Legless tore his eyes away from the seventeen inch television screen and picked up a pattern package from the table next to the sewing machine. “See? I think they’re absolutely perfect.”
Stu took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he eyed the pictures on the package cover. “I need coffee.”
“Just made a fresh pot,” Aunt Sue nodded her bewigged head toward the counter.
“Where’s mom and dad?” Stu asked as he poured a cup of strong black coffee and blew on it to cool it off a bit.
Legless turned in his chair. “Joanne is having her roots watered. William went to a place called ‘work‘. Cindy Jo is in labor and Bubba is minding the fish store, but he seems horribly inept at it. Linda Lou can’t seem to find Bobby John to tell him that Betty Jo’s baby is breech. And the funeral for Billy Bob is tomorrow. He wrecked his Bo Duke car after he‘d gotten into a fight at the pool hall.”
Aunt Sue stuck another pin in the crotch of Glimmergroin’s pants and then motioned for him to take them off. “Touched.”
Stu stared at Legless over the rim of his cup. “Oh,” was all he could think of to say to Legless’ weird commentary.
“Why would she want some one to touch her root?” Legless asked Sue with a delicate arch of his brow.
“I can think of several reasons, laddie,” the dwarf grinned.
Aunt Sue delivered a piercing glance over the rim of her glasses at Legless. “You could do with a touch, too.”
Legless blushed prettily. “Your nephew seems reluctant--”
“Actually,” Stu bellowed, “Legless is a natural blond. I have it on good authority,” Stu added lamely as Aunt Sue’s focus shifted to him.
The elderly seamstress shook her head at her nephew. “Men are so gullible.”
Glimmergroin dismissed Stu’s explanation with a snort while completely ignoring Sue‘s comment. “What to you think of these, laddie?” He held up a large pair of loosely pinned together pants electric blue satin.
Stu inhaled sharply and his hot coffee went the wrong way down his throat and he coughed and choked. As his face turned red and coffee spurted painfully from his nose, one elf and dwarf and a matronly seamstress leapt to his rescue. Glimmergroin proceeded to pound him squarely in the kidneys while his aunt tried to hoist his arms over his head with a little help from Legless. Before Stu knew what was happening, he was bent double with his shirt pulled up over his head and his arms trapped inside. The dwarf, unaware that pounding one in the kidneys had the opposite effect of the one he desired and Stu needed, continued to slap away with his meaty fist, causing the added sensation of needing to pee as well as choking.
“Leggo! Stop!” Stu tried to yell between coughing fits. Either the trio didn’t hear him or they didn’t understand.
“Mercy! What in the world is going on in here?” Joanne Martin’s voice cut through the din. “Stop that this instant.”
“He’s choking on his coffee,” Aunt Sue responded as he continued to tug on Stu’s arms. Her diminutive stature prevented her from actually getting her nephew’s arms over his head and only succeeded in pulling his shirt further over his shoulders and arms.
Joanne shook her head worriedly at her son, wondering at how such a sweet, sensitive boy had gone so terribly wrong. He was not at all like his brother, James. Stu was thoughtful and sincere. He’d always been smart, although not book smart in the way James was. He’d been more practical and down to earth. “Here, this isn’t doing any good a’tall.” She edged her way between the punk rocker and her aunt. “Let me.”
Glimmergroin stepped back and Stu felt immediate relief once the dwarf stopped pounding on his kidneys. “I’m better, really,” he said as he took a deep breath and then coughed. His hand only shook slightly as he recovered his cooling coffee.
“My goodness, Aunt Sue, what’s all this?” Once she was certain that the strange men and her crazy aunt weren’t killing her son, Joanne turned and stared at her kitchen table, littered with sewing patterns and material.
“The boys need some clothes, of course. They can’t go around in cast-offs and I found this old material in the attic. I didn’t think you’d mind if I borrowed it.”
“No,” Joanne mused as she fingered the electric blue satin. She’d bought it several years past to make a cocktail dress for a Christmas party, but had changed her mind at the last minute and bought a dress instead. Over the years, she‘d collected a lot of different material, buying it when it was on sale, as well as different patterns. When she was younger, she‘d loved to sew, but had gotten too busy for it as she‘d gotten older and put a lot of her equipment and material in the attic for storage. “But, Aunt Sue, it’s satin…”
“Yes, and plenty of it,” Sue agreed as she adjusted her spectacles. “The boys simply love it.”
Joanne glanced at ‘the boys’. “I’m sure they do,” she answered.
Stu stood with his coffee cup in one hand and stared mournfully at the piles of satin and polished cotton and rubbed his forehead. “Oh, God.