Stu downed two RC’s in rapid succession and consumed half a box of Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls, only barely remembering to offer any to his friends. One sip of the sticky, sweet carbonated beverage sent Legless coughing, however, the elf garnered great satisfaction in wriggling his tongue inside the cream filling and slurping it from the rolled chocolate cake. So much so, in fact, that half way through the second one, Stu reached over and gently took the treat from the elf. Glimmergroin dangled his feet from the edge of the over-stuffed flowery sofa and belched appreciatively after consuming a coke and the rest of the Little Debbies. He mopped his lips with his beard.
“Of course, when you up and disappeared on us like that, we all thought maybe you’d gone and thrown yourself in the Chattahoochie.” Aunt Sue sat primly in a chintz print chair and eyed the short hairy man speculatively. At first glance, he was quite a sight, but as she got used to him, she found herself oddly attracted to him. It had, after all, been a long time since her husband had gone to his great reward.
Stu coughed. “Ah, well, you know, I’m awful sorry about that, Aunt Sue. I really am. I didn’t mean to worry any one. I-” he glanced down at the long, thin hand creeping closer to his groin. “Needed to find myself.”
Aunt Sue patted her skewed wig and stared at the pointy-eared creature sitting so close to her nephew. “I think you may still be lost.”
“Sometimes I think so, too,” Stu admitted as he removed Legless’ hand. “Things is a bit complicated and all that.”
She harrumphed once. “You might as well go ahead and call your parents, then. Let ‘em know you’re still alive.”
A few hours later and Stu had contacted most of his family and gave them the best explanation he had. He’d left Georgia to find himself. And, yes, he was very sorry for upsetting every one, but he’d been afraid that if he’d tried to explain, they’d try to stop him. He didn’t try to explain about Legless and Glimmergroin. They defied explanation.
Something else that defied explanation began to manifest as Stu rummaged through his deceased uncle’s clothes. Sue, bless her heart, had taken quite a fancy to the axe-wielding, foot-pounding dwarf. Stu heartily wished he could remove his brain from his skull and soak it in Clorox as the image of his Aunt Sue and Glimmergroin naked kept popping into his head like internet sex adds.
“Here we are, Mr. Glowing,” Aunt Sue shook out a pair of threadbare corduroy slacks in front of the dwarf’s nose. “I’ve got them all hemmed up for you. Give ‘em a try.” She smiled shyly, proud of her accomplishment and hoping the short man appreciated her efforts.
“It’s Glimmer--fu-,” the dwarf coughed. “Gimli is my nickname, fair lady.”
“Gimmlee! Well, how clever,” she beamed.
“Yes, ma’am, now about the car, Aunt Sue?” Stu tried to distract the dwarf and his aunt lest his horrific visions become an even more lurid reality. He and Legless were dressed identically in thin plaid shirts and overalls meant for much a much larger man.
“I’ll drive.”
Even worse images popped into Stu’s head and it was his turn to growl as Legless smiled approvingly. “You know, Aunt Sue, it might be better--”
“Nonsense. It’s my car and I say I’ll drive.”
“I was going to say,” Stu said with a great deal of resignation, “that I’d be happy to drive so you wouldn’t be so tired when we got to Wrangled Gorge.”
“Where?”
“Ringgold.”
Glimmergroin went into the next room with the altered pants and returned a moment or two later. They fit him perfectly and he bowed appreciatively. “My lady, your talent with needle and thread are most unrivaled.”
Stu slapped his head with his palm and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like fuck me with a spork.
*~*
Speeding north along I-75 with the windows rolled down on his Aunt’s behemoth canary yellow 1973 Lincoln Continental, Stu felt as carefree as a teenager. Beside him on the bench seat, Legless stared around in wonder and shouted his exclamations over the wind. In the back seat, his Aunt Sue clutched her wig with one hand and laughed like a schoo-girl. And the dwarf, bless him, had his head out the window and was howling and catching bugs between his teeth. With a start, Stu glanced once more in the rearview mirror. Sure enough, most of Glimmergroin was hanging out the window and his Aunt Sue’s free hand was holding on to the back of his pants.
“Git your ass back in this car, ya fuckin’ crazy dwarf!” Stu yelled as he instinctively removed his foot from the accelerator. The Continental slowed from eighty-five miles per hour to eighty-two miles per hour.
“Stewart George Martin!”
“My ass is inside the car, laddie,” Glimmergroin called back.
Stu, forcing his attention back on the road, smiled and waved cheerily at some startled passengers in a minibus bearing Ontario license plates. “Hells bells, Glimmergroin, you’re gonna give southerners a bad name. Now get whatever part of your body is outside the car back inside the car.”
“Your nephew has no sense of humor,” the dwarf huffed to Sue.
“He’s always been a little intense,” she replied.
*~*
By the end of the two hour car ride, Stu had a migraine and his right eyelid twitched uncontrollably. In the backseat, the dwarf and his aunt were just this side of making out and Legless kept inching to his left until he was practically sitting in Stu’s lap. By the time he exited the freeway at Ringgold Gap, Stu was ready for the car ride and the day to be over. Unfortunately for him, it was only a little after two in the afternoon.
“Stewart, stop by Darr’s and let me get a strawberry shake,” Aunt Sue rummaged in her mammoth handbag for her tiny change purse. “Do you like strawberry shakes, Mr. Glow--I mean, Gimmlee?”
The dwarf had no idea what a strawberry shake was, but he had to admit it sounded like it had prospects. “Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.”
“Can I have one, too, beloved?”
Sue frowned a bit and pulled out several tightly folded bills. “Why does he keep calling you beloved, Stu?”
“Well, ya see, Aunt Sue,” Stu gave up pretending. “When I went out to find myself, Legless is what I found instead.”
“Lord have mercy, Stewart, and you with two children,” Aunt Sue lamented as she passed the cash over his shoulder.
Pulling into the pocked parking lot of Darr’s Chow Time, Stu negotiated the Lincoln to the drive-in window. The elderly woman who leaned out stared long and hard at the occupants. She nodded absently when Stu ordered three strawberry and one chocolate shake and just stood, with pad and pencil in hand, and continued to stare until the carload of teenagers behind Stu stood on their horn. After they got and paid for the shakes, Stu rolled the car forward and then demonstrated to Legless how to unwrap and insert the straw into the slit opening in the lid. He didn’t have to demonstrate sucking to the elf. He ignored the giggles and mutters coming from the back seat.
“So this is Wrangled Gorge,” Legless observed as he sucked strawberry shake through his straw. “I must admit it is not what I’d expected.”
Stu stared at the construction on the main drag. “Wra-Ringgold has changed a lot since I been gone. Looks like they’re finally getting around to widening the road a bit.” He pulled out into the two lane traffic and crept along the narrow road, through construction, until he reached a side street. Turning right, he made another right and then a pulled into the driveway of a two story house. The building had been constructed in the 1930’s and his parents had bought it in the late 1960’s. Stu had been raised there, but for some reason, today he felt distinctly uncomfortable. His discomfort increased exponentially when his aunt squealed merrily from the back seat.
“Is this your castle, beloved?”
Stu laughed. “I guess it’s my dad’s castle, Legs. I don’t really have one.”
“How odd,” the elf mused. “Being the Steward of this land, I’d have thought you’d live in something akin to Minas Tear Ass.”
“Things is different here in Ri-Wra--aw-fu--here,.” Stu got reluctantly out of the car as his parents came out on to the front porch.
*~*
His mother fixed fried chicken and mashed potatoes with fried okra and biscuits for dinner, much to Stu’s and Glimmergroin’s delight. Legless rolled the strange okra around on his tongue, worrying the cornmeal coating off until the slimy inside was perched on his tongue. The seeds were slightly bitter and he longed to spit it out, but didn’t for politeness sake, however he did wish heartily for some elven way bread. Glimmergroin, of course, greatly enjoyed the greasy chicken and golden brown bread.
“Aunt Sue,” Joanne Martin smiled faintly as her elderly aunt placed a morsel of food in the short, hairy man’s mouth. “Um, well, I-could you help me in the kitchen? I got to get the cobbler out of the oven.”
Legless nearly leapt from his chair and only Stu’s hand on his arm kept him from rushing from the dining room into the kitchen. “Why have you a shoemaker in the oven?”
“Pardon?” Mrs. Martin trembled and looked flustered.
“It’s not a shoemaker, Legs, it’s desert. It’s fruit baked in a crust.”
Legless resumed his seat and Mr. and Mrs. Martin relaxed. Aunt Sue gave her niece a pained glare as she got up from the table and followed into the kitchen. There, Stu’s mother turned on her favorite aunt. “Aunt Sue, what are you doing with that-that, whatever he is. He’s--why you barely know him.”
Aunt Sue patted her niece's hand. “It’s okay, dear, don’t worry about me. He’s a perfect gentleman.”
“Whatever do you see in him, though? He’s short. He’s hairy. He talks funny.”
Aunt Sue’s smile was anything but innocent. “I took in those pants he’s wearing.”
“Yeah, and?”
“He’s got quite an axe on him.”
“Oh, Aunt Sue.”