In the darkness, Stu felt a hand graze his ass and he jerked and yelped. He spun and faced Legless. “Whatdayathinkyerdoingpal?”
“You are injured,” answered Legless, his hand still hovering. “We should see to your wound.”
“It’s okay,” Stu backed away from Legless, reluctant to bare his backside to the elf. All things considered, he felt like perhaps someone else would be better to look after his injury.
“Allow me.” Grandlaff passed his staff to Pip and came forward. “I have some skills with herbs, Steward, and I agree with Legless. The wound could be poisoned, and certainly it should be cleaned after your run-in with that foul creature. We could not let anything happen to one of the ring bearers.”
Reluctantly, Stu had to agree. “You are
probably right.” Placing his back to the wizard, he slowly raised his
tunic and lowered his leggings, exposing his pale behind.
“Tis not as bad as it seems,” mused Grandlaff as he bent down
and examined the wound. His fingers lightly traced the area. “Would
someone hand me my pack?”
Pip hefted Grandlaff’s pack and passed it to the wizard. He glanced at Stu’s rear and crinkled his nose. “You won’t be enjoying a sit down for a while, I’m guessing.”
The small puncture wound was deep, but did not penetrate to the muscle and Legless had managed to remove the arrow without causing any tissue damage. Around the wound the flesh was slightly bruised in the way of most punctures. Taking water from his water skin, Grandlaff moistened a strip of cloth and gently cleaned the wound. “The wound is not as bad as I feared. I will pack it with some herbs to keep it clean.”
Legless’ eyes narrowed on the elderly man as he washed and packed the wound. His gentle ministrations of Steward’s backside set the elf’s teeth on edge. “We should hurry. There is a foulness in the air.”
Relieved to have something other to concentrate on besides the old man prodding his ass, Stu agreed. “Where does the mine let out at?”
“Lothlorien, cousins of my people in Mirkwood.” Legless casually walked around to observe Grandlaff. The old wizard was taking far too long to cleanse and pack so small a wound and Legless wondered if there wasn’t more involved.
Boomer, who had yet to lower his sword, stared up in to the gloom. “We have miles of darkness and foul creatures before we reach safety.”
Shivering, Frito came to stand beside Stu. “Thank you for saving me. Does your injury hurt too bad?”
“Naw. Besides, it wasn’t your fault I sat down on an arrow. I was careless and that was my own doing. How long do you think it will take us to reach the other side? Is there the possibility that the dwarves could be hiding some place above?”
Grandlaff shook his head. “I think not, my friend, for there is a darkness here far older and more evil than mere goblins.”
Stu’s lips turned white around the edges.
“And still you lead us here?”
Grandlaff finished his first aid and rose. “There were no roads left
open to us. Come, what’s done is done.”
“What’s done is done,” Stu mimicked as he yanked his leggings back in to place. He became aware of Frito’s large eyes on him and quieted down. “I’m sorry, Frito, I know the old man is your friend and you trust him. But I don’t. He’s led us around our elbows to get to our thumbs. Every way he’s suggested has led us into danger and catastrophe. Perhaps Boomer was right and we should have gone by the Gap.”
Argyle laid a hand upon Stu’s shoulder. “Your frustration is justified, Steward, but do not blame Grandlaff. The ring is as much to blame for our troubles as anything. Ever does the one seek to save itself, to return itself to its master. Forces work against us that you cannot imagine.”
“Heh, I dunno, Argyle, I have a pretty vivid imagination, not to mention I’ve been a witness to every calamity we’ve faced. Look, I knew this would not be pleasure hike but I did not know that we would end up wandering around for months on end like the Jews from Egypt.”
“Who are they?” asked Pip. The party had started to climb the stairs behind Grandlaff and conversation had returned to normal. Only Glimmergroin remained ominously silent.
“They were slaves in Egypt, a country in my world. They fled from the ruler, a man who did not believe as they believed and thought to enslave them, and were led through the desert by a man called Moses. He was supposed to deliver them to the Promised Land, but they never arrived.”
“Why not?” Legless asked from behind Stu, his apparent favorite position.
“I’m a little fuzzy on that part of the story. I think they did something to anger God and as punishment, they were denied entrance to the holy land. Look, the point is, we’re wandering around in circles and we are never going to get to Mordor. It’s time we reformulated our plan. Obviously this one isn’t working.”
At the top of the stairs the party stopped while Grandlaff stood and scratched his head. “I have no memory of this place,” he admitted with a sigh. There were three corridors branching off the stair head. All were pitch black and echoed eerily.
Stu slapped his forehead. What else was going to go wrong? “Okay, fine. When I was a kid I used to do a lot of spelunking. A cave is a cave is a cave, right?” He snatched Grandlaff’s staff from his hand and raised it high. “Nothing looks familiar?”
“No,” admitted the wizard. “I have not passed through Moi-Ra in many centuries.”
“What is a spelunking?” Ever inquisitive Mary asked.
“Can’t we rest a moment, please, Mr. Steward?” Sam had his arm around Frito. “Master Frito is powerful tired after his ordeal with the slimy creature in the lake.”
“It would give us time to scout the area,” Legless added, standing close enough to Stu to touch the man. “Perhaps we can find the right entrance.”
Something about the way the elf said ‘entrance’ gave Stu the heebie-jeebies. “Sure, Sam, we can rest a minute. There’s no sense in charging off without thinking. That’s what’s gotten us in to this mess in the first place. Lots of chiefs, no Indians.” Stu passed the staff back to its owner and leaned against the wall.
“Won’t you sit?” Legless eased himself on to a rock and pulled out a snack. “Come, eat something.”
“Don’t mind if I do,” Pip plopped next to Legless and held out his hand. “What is a spelunking?” He repeated Mary’s question.
“Spelunking is the art of cave mapping and exploring.” Stu answered automatically. “Do you smell that, Grandlaff?”
The wizard sniffed. “Ah, yes. Your craft has served you well. It’s that way.” He pointed down one of the tunnels. “When all else fails, follow your nose.”
“It always knows,” muttered Stu as he fell in behind the hobbits.
The troop followed the wizard’s lead, the tall wooden staff lighting the way. Tall, intricately carved columns appeared, spearing the roof above them. Halls branched off the main corridor, endless miles of halls and side rooms. If one was unwary, one could become quickly lost, even under the best of times.
‘We must talk,” Stu felt Legless’ breath brush the nape of his neck and he shivered.
“Yeah, we do.” Stu had dreaded the coming of this conversation, but he knew it needed to be done. “About—“
“The ring.”
“Uh. I was thinking maybe we could have a private conversation about something else.”
“Perhaps later, you and I can be alone.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“What’s that noise?” Argyle held up his hand and the group grew silent.
“Drums,” Stu shrugged. And then thought. Drums?
“Goblins.” Legless’ bow instantly appeared.
Stu fought his rising panic as he stared around in the darkness. He’d already discovered how painful a goblin arrow could be and he did not want a repeat of the experience. The party all turned at once, placing the Half-Lings in the center, and formed a tight circle. Only Stu remained unarmed.
From the darkness came a skittering noise and the corridor came alive with the sounds of hundreds of thousands of laughing, cackling voices. Stu drew a deep breath and let it out slowly. Goblins were fairy stories that one told the children at bedtime. Goblins came knocking on the door at dusk once a year to beg for candy treats. In his world they were not leanly built scaly critters with large glowing eyes and long snake like tongues.
Ah, but you aren’t in Kansas any more, Toto, are you? He thought to himself.
“There are too many of them,” Argyle said from Stu’s left side. On his right was, no surprise there, Legless with nocked arrow. Behind him, Stu could feel the sword of one of the Half-Lings poking him in the calf.
“Make for the stairs to the Second Hall and then across the Bridge,” shouted Grandlaff. He held his staff high and hiked up the hem of his long, gray robe.
Stu reached behind him and snatched up a Half-ling-Frito-and sprinted after Grandlaff. Legless heaved Mary up in his strong arms, leaving Boromir with Sam and Argyle with Pip. Glimmergroin and his axe brought up the rear.
Boomer let out a long, hissing breath. “Fuck me with a spork.” he repeated Stu’s favorite phrase. He had no idea of the meaning, but had heard the Steward repeat it often enough it in times of crisis. This seemed like an appropriate crisis to Boomer.
They fled, one after the other, towards a steep stair leading into the dark bowels of the mine. Only Grandlaff’s staff showed them the way as the dodged and ducked whizzing arrows. Stu felt one sizzle past his ear and let loose with a string of curses to make any boson’s mate proud. Down the steps they flew, feet barely touching stone, leaping over broken spaces and never caring in their haste for a misstep.
At the end of the stairs, a giant gap opened before the party. Part of the stairs had fallen away. Without breaking stride, Legless jumped and landed lightly on the other side. Mary screamed and clutched handfuls of silky hair and had to be all but torn off of Legless. Once he’d disentangled himself from the Half-Ling, the elf turned and faced the group and motioned them across.
Grandlaff jumped from the swaying stairs. A goblin arrow protruded from his battered gray hat. Legless looked beyond Grandlaff’s shoulder and stared deep into Stu’s dark brown eyes. Stu held his breath as Legless’ eyebrow raised the tiniest fraction. At the last moment his strong arms went around Grandlaff and he dragged the wizard to safety.
“Jump!” Shouted Argyle as he heaved Sam close to his body and leapt for the far side.
Boomer followed suit and dropped Pip.
Glimmergroin stared dubiously at the gap. With a deep breath, he ran forward, head lowered and jumped. Stu thought of the old Roadrunner cartoons, where the coyote launched himself on some acme flying product and invariably smashed himself to bits on a cliff. The dwarf barely made the other side and Boomer and Legless both scrambled to hold him. The stairs swayed alarmingly and arrows came closer. Frito grabbed Stu by the waist and held on for dear life.
"Okay, Frito, here we go.” Together they jumped to the bridge, with Stu pushing Frito ahead of him.
He wasn’t sure who caught Frito, but he felt Legless’ strong arms close around him and then he was falling forward. He landed with a soft whump and looked down into Legless’ eyes. Stu felt hands cupping his butt.
"C’mon, you two. You can play later,” Argyle said as he clutched a handful of Stu’s tunic. "
“Run!” Boomer shoved Argyle from behind to encourage the park ranger to move.
Stu scrambled to his feet and dragged Legless
with him. Arrows continued to rain around them and they crouched as they ran.
Stu found himself wedged between Frito and Argyle while Legless kept his long
hand on the small of Stu’s back. They made the final door and broke
from the mine in a tight pack. Afternoon sun hit their upturned faces and
they breathed deeply of the clean air.
Argyle stared at the angle of the sun. “We only have a few hours of
daylight left. We must reach the Golden Woods before the sun sets.”
“Will you turn into a pumpkin at nightfall?” Stu bent over and breathed deeply. His body was in better shape than it had been in some time, but the exertion in the mine had taken its toll.
“Orcs will fill us full of arrows,” Argyle responded. “These hills will be covered with them. Our only safety lies in Lothlorien.”
“The witch’s abode? We will be in even greater peril if we go there,” Glimmergroin propped his axe on his shoulder. “Better to face the Orcs.”
“We will receive news and be able to rest in Lothlorien,” Grandlaff said. “Lady Galadriel may have some insight into Steward's presence here in Middle Earth.”
Stu straightened with a groan. “I like her already.”
He missed Legless’ glare.