* From the Greek comedy Lysistrata by Aristophanes (450?-385? B.C.); Translation by Douglas Parker. The Norton Anthology of World Masterpieces; Seventh Ed., Vol. 1; W.W. Norton & Company. London, New York. 1999.
KORYPHANAIOS OF MEN [GREEK CHORUS]
The most unnerving work of nature,
the pride of applied immorality,
is the common female human.
No fire can match, no beast can best her.
O Unsurmountability,
thy name—worse luck—is Woman [714].
“Halt!”
The company was brought up short by three elves that materialized from the forest floor, each bearing a drawn bow.
“Legolas! Stu!” Argyle shouted as he caught movement from the corner of his eye.
Legolas’ bow was out and aimed at an elf identical to the speaker while Stu was prepared to launch himself at the third of the elves.
“Haldir, is this any way to treat guests?” chided Grandlaff.
“The lady is expecting you.” Haldir’s bow did not lower. “We have had word of the two rings and mourn the danger you have placed Lothlorien and the Galadhrim in. We will take you to Caras Galadhon, but you will be blindfolded for none may know the way into the heart of the wood.”
Stu scratched the still tender wound on his ass and stared at the three elves. They looked much like Legless with regards to height and coloring, but there all resemblance ended. Hal-dear and his not-so-merry band were broad in shoulder and grim of visage.
“Wait a minute, I don’t do blindfolds. I had a girlfriend that was in to that and I let her try it..ended up with ice..Ah, no. No blindfolds.” He shivered.
“Easy, Steward,” Argyle held up a warning hand. “We shall all go blindfolded and Haldir will guide us well.”
Stu looked again at the arrogant tilt of the elf’s head. “Haldrear will guide us? If this witch is expecting us, why are we being met at arrow point?”
Haldir’s shoulders stiffened and his mouth turned down in a straight line. “Witch? Lady Galadriel is no witch. And my name is Haldir.”
“Right, what I said. Look, my friend, I don’t mean any disrespect to you or to your old lady, but I think this is shit. El Ron from I’m Ladrys sent us to her to help us with these damn rings and this is the welcome she sends us? Three armed goons? Hell, I’ll take my chances with the goblins.”
“Steward,” Grandlaff faced the ring bearer. “We need Lady Galadriel’s help and this is her realm. We will obey the wishes of her and Lord Celeborn.”
“Who’s he?”
“He is the Lord of Lothlorien. Come, Stu, let us not quibble. Haldir will allow no harm to come to us. We must trust him. Legless, put down that damn bow!” Grandlaff barked to the elf when he realized that the arrow was trained on Rumil’s throat.
Legless eyed Rumil and Grandlaff. His lips pulled back slightly from his teeth. The bow slowly lowered.
“I, too, am disturbed by my cousin’s treatment of our company. We have come in good faith, seeking the aid and wisdom of Lady Galadriel. We have the Ring Bearers in our midst and she shows them no respect.”
Rumil had been quietly watching the exchange, noting how the one called Steward kept rubbing his backside, slowly pulling up the tail of his tunic and revealing his backside. The leggings were loose, as though not made for him, but the shape of his butt was still obvious. He edged closer, his curiosity getting the better of him.
“Do not even think it, cousin.” Hissed Legless.
Surprised, Rumil stepped back.
“Place the blindfolds on us, then, Hald-ea-ir, and lead us on for we are weary from our travels and could the sooner we reach Caras Galadhon the better. We have many questions that we hope she may answer for us. And our quest is only beginning.” Grandlaff sighed.
Glimmergroin moved closer to Stu as elves came from the wood bearing strips of cloth. Legless imposed himself between the man and the dwarf even as Frito pressed against the man’s side.
“I told you there was peril in these woods.” The dwarf whispered.
“No, shit, dude. I don’t know about this Gladiola and Skely-tore, but I am beginning to think El Ron made a big mistake in sending the rings here.”
The elves placed the blindfolds over the eyes of the company as Orophin and Rumil, brothers to Haldir, began stripping the party of their weapons. Seeing no obvious weapons on the strange man, Rumil began running his hands along Stu’s body, searching for secreted weapons.
"Whoo-hahohoo,” giggled Stu as he tried to squirm away from the hands tickling his ribs. "Dude, that tickles.”
Rumil stepped back from Stu. "I was merely searching for weapons.”
Orophin gave his and Rumil’s charges a cursory glance before turning to Haldir. "All are secure.”
Rumil took Stu’s elbow in one hand and Legless’ in the other and Orophin took Boomer and Argyle. Haldir was left with Frito and Grandlaff, as two of the other honored guests of Lady Galadriel. More elves took up positions with the remaining hobbits and the dwarf. Soundlessly, the party began to march through the golden wood.
The first time a hand brushed Stu’s behind, he thought he’d imagined it. The second time he hoped they wouldn’t do it again. On the third brush at his butt, Stu lost his patience.
"Legless, stop that.” Stu shook his head in frustration, as he was lead carefully through the thick wood. “You and I have to talk.”
Legless’ blindfolded head turned in Stu’s direction. “Stop what?”
"Oh, God.”
Time and direction quickly lost all meaning for Stu, as he was lead unerringly through the woods. At long last the party halted and blindfolds were removed. Everyone blinked as they were again subjected to light and they stared around in open wonder.
The last rays of the sun were turning the leaves a deeper gold color and Stu felt a pang of homesickness as he stared up in to the trees. His native Georgia was filled with open fields and forests of pine and oak.
A rope ladder slithered down the side of one of the tall trees and Stu’s eyes traveled upwards in shock. Above him, he could see a platform.
“We rest up here tonight and continue when the sun rises.” Haldir placed one hand on the ladder. “Come, it’s very safe and comfortable.” Putting actions to his words, the elf scurried up the rope.
"Just goes to prove Darwin’s theory is universal,” muttered as he pushed Frito towards the ladder.
One by one the party climbed to the talan and stepped on to the platform until only Glimmergroin remained on the ground. His horrified shouts could be heard clearly to those above him.
“Dwarves do not climb trees.” He was heard to say. A loud ‘whomp’ followed his declaration and the rope ladder swayed alarmingly as his bulk settled on the first rung.
The wooden structure swayed with the breeze and Stu planted his legs more firmly. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly as the wind caressed his cheeks.
"Feels like being at sea again.” He said as he began to sway from side to side with the shifting of the platform. “There is nothing like the feel of a deck beneath your feet or looking out and seeing nothing but blue sky and ocean for miles around. The swell of the waves can mesmerize you. The way the boat rises beneath your feet and then suddenly seems to just drop away, leaving your stomach holding on in empty space for the shortest heartbeat. There’s nothing like it.”
He heard a gulp and turned in time to see Argyle kneel over the side of the talan.
“Right.” Stu stopped swaying. “Sorry about that, Argyle.”
Argyle’s shoulders heaved and shook as the contents of his stomach were splattered down the side of the tree.
Boomer tried not to smirk as he settled at the far corner of the talan. Sam watched suspiciously as Stu walked the length of the talan. He was joined by the other Half-Lings.
“You do not seem to have any fear of the heights,” Sam said as he edged closer to the inside of the platform.
“I used to love climbing trees as a kid. Dad built us a tree house in the backyard and my brothers and I spent hours up there. Of course, I discovered cars and girls about the same time I discovered the lake and boats and I quit going up in the tree house. I miss hanging out on the lake.”
“Could we discuss something besides water?” Argyle rose shakily to his feet and made his way to Boomer.
Glimmergroin's bearded face appeared level with the platform. His eyes were huge and his hair practically stood on end beneath his helmet. “I will be glad when we are free of these woods.”
“Up, Glimmergroin, I’m not getting any younger, you know,” the normally patient wizard had reached the end of his tether and was letting everyone around him know it.
Boomer held up his water flask. “Want some water?”
“Don’t mind if I do,” the dwarf stalked across the platform and took Boomer’s flask. He took a swig of the tepid liquid and smacked his lips. “I needed that,” he declared. “How about you, Grandlaff, want some water to cool your throat?”
Argyle closed his eyes and groaned.
Stu walked over to the elf that guided them through the woods. The big blond was standing near the edge of the platform and stared over the side at the elves remaining below. Without warning, Stu clapped him on the back and the elf had to struggle to maintain his balance.
“Haldrear, what a view. Do all your people live in tree houses?” Stu stared down between his feet, which were just past the edge of the talan.
Haldir drew himself up stiffly. “Yes, we all live in the trees. Please do not touch me again.”
“Easy, my friend, I’m not Legless.”
“Of course you are not legless, I can clearly see your legs. You have very thin legs, but they are plainly visible.”
“Hey, no reason to get personal.” Stu growled. His stance shifted subtly and Grandlaff rushed to intercept.
“Haldrear, you have misunderstood the Ring Bearer. He was referring to your cousin from Mirkwood. Steward is not from Middle Earth and that is why we bring him to your lady.”
Haldir gave Grandlaff a look that Stu interpreted as ‘yeah, whatever’, but said nothing.
“As for you, Steward, please do not sneak up on the—“
“He did not sneak up on me,” Haldir stated.
“Please do not startle—“
“He did not startle me,” assured the Lothlorien elf.
“Fine! Steward, please do not do anything that would cause the March Warden to do something foolish, such as leap blindly from the top of the talan to the forest floor.” Grandlaff ripped his hat off his head and slapped his thigh for emphasis.
“Anyone else hungry?” Pip was rummaging through a pack. “I’m starved.”
“Of course you are, Pip.” Boomer pulled the pack away from the questing Half-Ling.
“Now that you mention it, so am I. I guess cooking is out of the question?” Stu strolled over to the packs and did his own quick search. “I’d kill for a Hershey’s.”
“Mary’s attention was diverted from the pack he was investigating. “What’s that?”
“Nothing you’ve got.” Stu lamented. “So do we get to eat, Haldrear, or has your old lady prohibited us from getting a good meal as well as walking blindfolded through her precious woods?”
“We have lembas and fresh water,” Haldir motioned to Orophin. “My brother, Orophin, will share his with you.”
“Oh, now we are talking,” Stu rubbed his hands together. “Those swim around here?”
“Swim?” Orophin hesitated before taking out a thick chunk of leaf wrapped lembas from his pack.
“Yeah. Lem Bass, do you catch them around here?”
Orophin passed a small chunk of what looked like shortbread cookie to Stu before moving around the group.
“Funny looking dinner, isn’t it?” Pip leaned over and whispered to Stu.
“Funny looking bass,” Stu answered.
Grandlaff passed the water skin over to the park ranger. “Argyle, would you like some water?”
Argyle leaned his head against the tree trunk
and groaned.