* Taken from “White Rabbit” by Jefferson Starship. (The Jefferson Starship was known in the mid to late sixties as the Jefferson Airplane and featured Grace Slick. White Rabbit, according to some sources was a parody of the Alice In Wonderland story and openly discussed drug use.)
“One pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small. An’ the one’s that Mother gives you don’t do anything at all,” Stu sang as he marched. “Go ask Alice, when she was just small..”
“What are you singing?” Mary trotted next to Stu as the scrambled up the rocky hill. “Is it a marching song? Will you teach us? We like to sing and march, don’t we?” He turned to his fellow Half Lings for support.
“Tis rather a strange song, lad,” observed Glimmergroin.
Stu huffed and puffed, wishing he’d not allowed himself to have so many late night beers and Oreo cookies. His face was red and sweat trickled in his eyes. He hadn’t been this miserable since basic training. Well, okay, he’d been pretty fucking miserable during his divorce, but that was a whole different kind of misery. “The stupid song is called “White Rabbit” and has been running circles in my brain for days now. I kinda figured if I sang it, it would go away. Besides, it helps me keep my pace.”
Legolas turned back to Stu and gave him a brilliant smile. “Then teach us so that we may all sing together.”
Stu blinked as the image of the entire party sitting around a campfire and singing about hookah smoking caterpillars and magic mushroom drifted through his mind. His brain stopped and refused to go further. No way was he teaching them a song about drug abuse and parodying one of the greatest children’s stories of all time.
“The song would require a lot of explanation and I am not sure I’m the best one to explain it.” Stu decided to stop singing.
They marched on, accepting Stu’s explanation and pushing him no further. Mary and Pip kept up a steady stream of banter and questions. Legless enjoyed the scenery. Boomer kept as far away from Argyle as he could while Frito did just the opposite. Glimmergroin chattered nonstop. And Stu kept humming softly under his breath.
Finally, Mary, unable to help himself, started adding lyrics to the humming. “One ring makes you larger and one ring makes you small,” he sang off key. “And the ones the dwarves give you don’t do anything at all…go ask Boomer, when he swallows. And if you go off chasing white wizards and you know you’re going to fail, you just might have to shit in a pail.” This last he finished rather loudly and the entire company stopped in their tracks and stared at the hobbit.
Slowly all eyes turned to Boomer’s reddening face. He wiped the scowl from his features as best he could and grimaced. “That was quite funny, Mary,” he said as he rubbed the hobbit’s tousled hair.
After that, Stu stopped humming. But apparently, the damage was done, for everyone began adlibbing the tune as the trek across Middle Earth continued. Only endless rounds of arguing interrupted the singing.
Everyone had an opinion about where to go and how to get there. Boomer wanted to go by the Gap in Rohan and Aragorn complained that he did not want to get that close Isen’s Guard. Stu figured it was something to do with an ex-girlfriend. But their decision was made for them when Legless suddenly spied a group of crows flying low and fast in their direction.
The company had stopped to take lunch among an outcrop of boulders. Mary and Pip were practicing their sword fighting with Boomer while Frito and Sam watched. Grandlaff, as usual, had a lit pipe between his teeth and the sweet aroma made Stu’s nose itch.
Suddenly, Legless leapt on a boulder and stared intently at the sky. He shouted something that sounded to Stu like “Carcasses from Dunlap”.
Astounded, Stu watched as everyone began scrambling for cover. He stood stock still, watching the black birds approach, uncertain why everyone felt the urge to crawl under rocks and brambles. Unceremoniously, Legless grabbed Stu around the waist and dumped him beneath a bramble patch and landed on him with a whoosh of air from Stu’s lungs.
Stu found himself pinned between a rock and a hard place. Literally. Stones dug into his back and Legless seemed more than pleased to be on top. Which made Stu wonder even more about his last night in Rivendell.
As the birds finally wheeled and passed overhead, everyone slowly gained their feet and stared in the direction the birds had flown.
“We make for Caran-On-Grass,” Grandlaff announced in a voice that left no room for argument.
To Stu, the idea of climbing the snow covered summit seemed the worst possible news as he stared in the direction of Grandlaff’s pointing finger. The mountain seemed impossibly high and he had reservations about anyone making it over the mountain alive. They were certainly not the Von Trapp Family Singers.
A few weeks later and Stu’s fears had come to pass. A blizzard of horrific proportions blew over the mountain. Only Legless remained unaffected by the bitter winds and mounting snow. The Half-Lings huddled under the cloaks of Stu and Aragorn while Boomer was left helping Glimmergroin who, despite his girth, still had a difficult time cutting through the man high drifts.
To cheer them up, Mary had again started singing. “When the elves in Rivendell get off telling you where to go and you’ve just stole Maggot’s mushrooms and your mind is moving slow…go ask Argyle…I think he’ll know..”
Legless suddenly stopped and tilted his head skyward. “There is a foul voice on the air,” he announced.
“It’s only Mary singing again,” snapped Stu. He brought his hand down and clamped it over Mary’s mouth to shut him up.
“Not that foul voice. That one.”
And then they all heard it. A voice that rumbled and rolled in a strange and unfamiliar tongue drifted on the wind. A great cracking sound was heard above and Stu glanced up just in time.
“Avalanche!” He pushed Argyle and Frito beneath him minutes before tons of snow buried the party.
The first to remove themselves from the snow bank was Legless and he pulled and dug until he freed Stu. Stu came up sputtering and coughing and clutching Mary and Pip hard to his sides. Together Legless and Stu pulled Argyle and then Frito and Sam from the snow and ice. They turned their attention next to Boomer and Glimmergroin. They had difficulty in locating Grandlaff at first and everyone panicked until Stu finally noticed the tip of a battered gray hat poking from the rubble.
Reaching down, he grabbed a fist full of beard and pulled. “Not the beard!” Screamed the wizard as Stu hauled him up. Everyone brushed themselves down as best they could.
“Now what do we do?” Stu asked as they huddled against the mountain.
“We make for the Gap of Rohan,” Boomer asserted once again.
“Nay, that route is closed to us by Sorry Man’s army.” Argyle argued.
“If anyone had listened to me in the first place,” Glimmergroin shouted above the wind, “then we would be now enjoying the hospitality of my kinsmen in Moi-Ra.”
Grandlaff raised his hand for silence. “Let the ring bearers decide.”
Stu stared at Frito who stared right back. “What?” Stu tore his eyes from the frightened Half Ling. “Why are you putting it off on us? We don’t’ know anything about this place. Frito’s never been out of the Shire in his entire life and I’m from Wrangled-er-Ringgold.”
Grandlaff’s expression was implacable. “Nonetheless, the ring bearers must decide.”
“Oh, fuck me with a spork,” snapped Stu. “Well, Frito? Which of the evils do we chose?”
Frito looked to Argyle and then back to Stu. “Moi-Ra?”
“That your final answer?” Stu inquired.
“The dwarves have long been friends with my Uncle Di-Bilbo and they will give us a hearty welcome.”
“The mines, then, Grandlaff. The mines.” With that pronouncement the long trek back down the mountain began.
Another month of slogging through the wastelands and backtracking and everyone’s tempers were frayed. Even Mary’s incurable optimism flagged and he stopped singing the ditty inadvertently taught to him by Stu. Oddly, Stu found that he missed it.
What he did not miss was the thirty odd pounds of extra baggage he’d been carrying. The more they trekked through the wilderness, the more weight Stu lost. Nor was he sorry to lose it. He felt as fit and trim as he had when he first entered the navy. He knew he looked good cause Legless kept looking at him like he wanted to do things with and or to him. That, of course, gave Stu pause.
At the foot of the Misty Mountains, Stu was given his first glimpse of the place where Dildo Back-Ins had first discovered the One Ring. He shivered, uncertain now of the choice to go to Moi-Ra.
A deep brackish pond lapped the trail leading to the great stone gates. The water was slim coated and a stench rose from it that reminded Stu of a rotting corpse. Everyone’s spirits were greatly dampened by the evil pervading the area and they spoke in hushed voices when they spoke at all. Fog rolled in and they all grew damp and cold.
Feet squished on the edges of the pond and Frito stumbled once, splashing in the water up to his knees. He would have fallen but Stu’s quick reflexes saved him.
“Easy, Frito.” He said, with one hand under the Half-Ling’s elbow.
Frito gave Stu a grateful smile. “Thank you…Stu.”
Stu felt a surge of joy. Frito was the first to actually call him by his preferred name. He worried about Frito, of course, like the rest of the party. No one thought to worry about Stu, and that suited the man just fine. Frito, on the other hand, seemed tired and worn down more than anyone else in the group. It left Stu wondering if the shiny gold rings around their necks were with their rightful owners. That led him to wonder why he was here, with the group. More importantly, he wondered why he’d come to Middle Earth.
“Are you okay, Frito?” He knelt down next to the hobbit so that they were eye level. He felt like he was speaking to one of his daughters.
Frito rubbed his eyes. “I’m tired, Stu. I feel as though I shall never see my home again. Maybe I am being selfish, but I want to return to the shire and walk in the woods. Do you not feel the need to go home?”
“Oh, daily. Funny, I can hardly remember what my home looks like anymore.” Stu stared past Frito into the dark water. “I want to go home, too, Frito. Unlike you, I don’t know why I’m here. I do not belong in this place.”
Frito’s blue eyes widened and he fumbled for Stu’s hand. “I know, Stu, but I am glad you are with us.”
Stu felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see Legless standing over him. “He is not the only one who is glad you are with us, Steward. In my mind, I know you have a duty to fulfill, though I do not yet see clearly what that duty may be.”
Stu felt a cold hand trail down his spine. Uncomfortable with the feelings surging through him, Stu rose to his feet. “Maybe you are right, Legless. I don’t know why I’m here, but if I have to be here, I hope it’s to do more than die in the wasteland.”
“Here we are,” Grandlaff interrupted the conversation with his announcement that they’d reached the great stone doors of Moi-Ra. He stood before the granite mountain wearing an expression similar to what the first people off the Mayflower must have worn.
Unfortunately, the gates were closed and locked. As far as Stu could tell, they may well have made the trip for nothing. Moonlight broke from the clouds and revealed silvery writing on the mountain face.
Patiently, Grandlaff translated. “Speak friend and enter.” Then he muttered a word and pushed against the gates.
Nothing happened.
He harrumphed and tried again.
Still nothing happened.
Stu caught Boomer rolling his eyes and grinned,
despite the seriousness of their situation.
He heard a splash and turned in time to see Argyle grab Pip by the arm and
prevent him from throwing another stone in the water.
“Do not disturb the water, Pip,” the park ranger spoke gently but firmly.
Pip looked frightened and dropped the rock in the mud.
Grandlaff sat down in and glared balefully at the doors and the silvery writing, as though they were the bane of his existence. He’d tried every word he could think of and, still, nothing budged the doors.
Throwing his hands in the air, Stu took a seat on a rock next to Mary. “Great, we’ve come all this way to be stumped by a riddle.”
Excitement crossed Frito’s features and he leapt to stand beside Grandlaff. “Stu, that is it. It’s a riddle. What’s the Elven word for friend?”
Legolas answered without thinking. “Mellon.”
There was a great booming and creaking and the doors swung inwards. Glimmergroin practically whooped for joy, and with axe in hand, rushed towards the opening. Eagerly, the others followed suit.
Grandlaff grinned ruefully. “Of course, of course.” He followed the dwarf.
Stu was the second to last to enter the cavern and he was dismayed when he was plunged in to near total darkness.
“Now we shall see the hospitality of the dwarves,” announced the dwarf. “Roaring fires and malt beer. Meat right off the bone.” He inched forward in the darkness.
Stu sighed and moved to sit down again while
Grandlaff blew on the end of his staff.
In the gloom, he could see little save for vague outlines of shapes. He felt
more than saw the rock and sat down without investigating further.
His surprised shout echoed around the stone chamber and he leapt to his feet. “Getitout! Getitout!” Stu danced around in circles as a sharp pain pierced his left butt cheek. There was a wrenching feeling and the pain intensified.
Legless stared briefly at an arrow tip before flinging it to the ground. “Goblins.”
“I sat on a goblin?” Stu rubbed his offended ass and felt blood seep through his clothes.
“No, you sat on an arrow made by goblins. See?” Legless retrieved the arrow and held it up for Stu to inspect.
Grandlaff’s staff took that moment to come on and a dim light illuminated a small area of the cavern. Horror filled them as the stared around. Bones littered the entrance. Bones still bearing the goblin arrows that had slain them littered the area.
“This is no mine,” hissed Boomer. “Tis a tomb.”
“Whadafuck?” Stu stared around in horror. “It’s the fucking Knoxville Body Farm. Great going, Grandlaff. Leave it to the Ring Bearers, you said. Now look what you’ve done.”
“Stu!”
At the sound of the cry, everyone turned in time to see Frito hoisted off his feet and swung around in the air by that looked like a giant squid.
The warriors, Boomer and Argyle, and followed
quickly by Stu, rushed from the mine and slipped and slithered to a halt in
the mud. With swords drawn, Boomer and Argyle hacked at the waving tentacles
while Legless fired arrow after arrow at the creature.
Stu waded into the water, never considering what he would do when he got to
the creature.
Reaching up, he snatched Frito’s arms and
pulled. A flying limb whistled past him and he instinctively hunched his shoulders,
but refused to release his hold on Frito.
A beaked mouth broke the water’s surface and a single eye glared balefully
at Stu. The man shifted his grip so than one hand held Frito and another had
a tentacle. He swung his feet clear of the water and planted the heels of
both booted feet in the yellow eye.
The creature roared and Stu was pummeled for his efforts by strong tentacles. He refused to let go and kicked again, this time feeling a squish beneath his feet. Gelatinous fluid sprayed from the punctured eye.
The tentacles holding Frito released him and the hobbit fell into Stu’s waiting arms. Boomer and Argyle continued to hack at the waving limbs, giving Stu and Frito defense as they retreated. One final arrow from Legless and the creature’s body retreated beneath the surface. The party rushed to the dubious safety offered by the mines.
As the stood in the gloom, panting and shaking, the gray horror surged one more time from the water. The tentacles reached out and grasped the great stone doors and wrenched them from their hidden hinges. The whole roof caved in and the company was forced to retreat further into the mines.
“Trapped,” Argyle stated to no one in particular.
“We are left with no choice but go through the mines,” Grandlaff held his staff aloft and illuminated the great staircase leading up and away from the entrance.
One by one the party turned and stared upwards into the gloom.
“Well, fuck me.”