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On the job front, I hate my job and I hate my boss (speaking of Christians)...she's a total bitch and I am ACTIVELY looking for a new job. In fact, I have a job interview with the state next week! A state job would be sooo sweet!! Good benefits, good pay, and every holiday known to man off! :) I really hope I get it so I can move on. I'm still not too satisfied with Portland and not sure if I want to stay here. It's hard because I've made some friends and gotten involved in the community, but I don't know...we'll see I guess.

Yesterday, my boyfriend and took a daytrip up the Gorge to the Maryhill Winery. It was an absolutely gorgeous day! We did some wine tasting and sat on the porch overlooking the vineyard. Then we drove 5 miles up to the Stonehenge replica. It was pretty cool. We had a great day. Stopped at a park and had a picnic lunch. It was really romantic.

I've started dating someone absolutely wonderful. He's the most spiritual, beautiful, strong human being I have ever met. And he's a Christian! I always said I'd never date a Christian. I'm so turned off by the pompous attitudes of most Christians I admit, I just write off ALL Christians. I know I shouldn't, it's not fair to the good people who happen to be Christian. But I guess I was just too closed minded to consider it. However, I met J and we had an instant connection. I felt oddly comfortable with him--almost like we'd known each other for years. Talking to him and getting to know him I saw how much I'd miss out on if I passed him up simply because he was Christian. We've gotten very close since Beltane, and I'll admit, I think it's pretty serious. But we'll see. It's still the beginning. :)

Anyways, Anna has been house-sitting for this rich lady who lives in a huge house up on Skyline in the West Hills. Basically, the rich neighborhood. She let me come over and take a bath in their HUGE bathtub the day I got my cast off. That was nice. My leg was sooo bad! Last night, Anna had a dinner party where everyone had to dress up and be "fancy."

I wore a black dress with a silk, light lavender colored sweater, and a costume jewlery necklace of purple stones forming flowers. Jenny wore a black dress with a cream colored fur shawl and her husband Ryan wore a suit and tie. Bree wore her fancy black, backless dress and a purple scarf. Dors wore a kilt! And Leis showed up in a gorgeous pearl-colored floor-length gown with spaghetti straps and beading at the bodice. Everyone looked amazing! It was so much fun to dress up and "pretend" to be rich in the fancy house. I set the table for Anna with the fancy stuff around the house. She made manicotti for dinner and we all had a great time! It was so much fun!

On April 2nd, my friend Erika and I went to Dante's to see our favorite band, Drummattica, play. It was TOTALLY awesome! The band is kind of a gothic-drumming-tribal-techno-electronic type. Hard to describe. But it was fun. These two guys flirted with us and bought us a round of drinks. We talked and hung out. Then this guy Brett, a friend of Erika's, showed up and hung out with us. Apparently he's the new drummer for Everclear? I'm not an Everclear fan so I have no idea. But Brett was a total sweetheart and just a super nice guy. It was a lot of fun. I went home at 2am and spent Sunday recovering!

Las Vegas was totally awesome! I LOVED it. We stayed at the Imperial Palace. It was cheaper than the other hotels and it was right in the middle of everything. It was across the street from Caesar's Palace and just down the strip from the Bellagio. FYI, they have a fabulous CHEAP Champagne Brunch at the Imperial. $10!We filled a water bottle with champagne and took it with us as we walked around. It was so much fun! I got pretty good at Black Jack, which I am now addicted too, but I didn't come home a winner or anything. We spent most of our time drinking and checking out all the casinos. On my next trip to Vegas I will spend more time checking out everything else--and the old "strip". We didn't get a chance to see that.

But dammit, we have to survive another 4 years of this crap. It makes me really dislike the redneck part of the states that seems to not have half a brain between them all. Idiots. We're doomed.

The debates have been keeping me busy too. I've watched them all. Me and my friends get together, fix dinner and hang out watching the debates together. Friday's debate was fun. We had a "Pasta Party". We made different kinds of pasta and watched George Dubya lie through his teeth. Bastard. Afterwards, we got dressed up in outrageous outfits and went for a walk. I wore this heinous "fur" jacket (I think it was made out of squirrel!) and a bike helmet. Anna wore an old World War 1 green helmet and long black trenchcoat. Ian wore this faux-brown leather jacket with furry collars and cuffs and a big "pimp" hate. (He looked hilarious!!) Aimee wore a big blue vest that made her look like a bubble and a weird black top hat. Dors wore a velvet vest and a helmet. We looked absolutely ridiculous! We walked on a very busy street in SE and walked to Safeway to buy some ice cream. :) It was a lot of fun though! I will post the pictures when we get them back.

Samhain is approaching and I am very excited! I love Samhain. I'm going to a few parties that should be fun. I decided to go as an angel this year. In the past, I've always been something dark--usually a witch. But this year, I decided to be something different. I searched HIGH & LOW! for the elements of the costume. The only things I need now are white shoes/sandals and maybe a necklace made of white beads. I think I might gets some white crystals, maybe moonstones, and make my own necklace.

I went expecting "9/11" to be an anti-Bush movie. Howard Stern has been raving about it for weeks, promoting the movie and really pounding it into the audience that they have to see it. So I went expecting a fabulous movie showing the facts and evidence behind all of Bush's dirty deeds and lies. It was going to be excellent!! I am here to tell everything that it IS an excellent movie. However, go there prepared to have your heart ripped out of your chest. There were so many heartbreaking scenes and footage of horrible things. Some of them are:

1. There is a grainy video of a beheading over in Iraq. It is the most disturbing image I have ever seen and I think it will haunt me until I die. It's not a close up but you can see the killer swinging like an axe or machete and not doing the job in the first swing. The second whack takes off the head. Be prepared.
2. There's footage in Iraq and Afghanastan of the aftermath of the bombings. The dead bodies, shattered corpses scattered everywhere, little children missing limbs, people wailing and screaming over their loved ones. Innocent people, civilian people in pain and living a nightmare.
3. They follow a woman who's kids are in the military. A little peek into her life and how her son is in Iraq. She describes the phone call she received from the Secretary of Defense asking if she had a son. She described the instant breakdown she had. It was the most horrifying thing I've heard. She read the letter her son sent her--that she received one week before he was killed. Her son was angry at George W. Bush, angry about killing, not wanting to be there anymore, wanting to see his new nephew, and missing his family. It broke my heart. Literally. I had to struggle with all my strength not to break down in the theatre.
4. They showed footage of American soldiers being killed. Bombed. Shot. Killer. Murdered. All of them looking like they were barely 18 years old. Not even starting to shave yet. These kids forced to attack innocent people in their homes to do searches, kids forced to kill...And they showed the angry Iraqi's hanging some of the dead bodies in the square--like a trophy, or a warning. It was revolting.

I cried during most of the movie. I wasn't the only one either. The guy next to me was crying, I could hear people throughout the theatre sniffling, crying, blowing their nose...It was so emotionally draining. Leo and I left the theatre and I was quiet for a long time. I just couldn't fathom what I had seen. It was too much. When they showed the footage of American soldiers dying, all I could think about was my cousin Peter, in the Army, stationed in Iraq. Thankfully, he is home now. And safe. But I remember what it felt like to watch the news to make sure his squad wasn't the one that was attacked in Baghdad.

I definitely recommend the movie. I think it's something EVERYONE should see. Especially people who are Bush supporters, or on the fence. Go with an open mind. But go prepared. There is nothing enjoyable about the movie. The facts and evidence showing how corrupt Bush is will blow your mind. You will be horrified by the lies and obvious psychological tricks his administration used. And it will leave you wondering, What is going to happen in November?

Sunfest is coming up soon. Only a few more weeks! I am so excited! I have tons of fabulous camping stuff. I got a new tent and stuff for Beltane. And now I bought a pretty groovy purple camping chair. I am working on making my own tapestry for Fall Eq. Sewing and designing it myself. I am excited. And I am learning the Runes. I will write more about that later...

We set up our camps, ripped off our bras and joined the festivities! It was so much fun and a nice vacation that I badly needed! There were issues...apparently half of everyone wanted to use a real tree and cut it down for the maypole. The other half (me included) was against that. It didn't matter, the King and Queen decided to BURN the maypole that had already been selected in the BELTANE FIRE and cut down a live tree to use. That is BULLSHIT. I am still very angry about that.

The drumming and fire dancing was excellent! And I made a lot of new friends, and got to know some acquaintances better. It was so much fun! I am really looking forward to Sunfest next month!!

Here are some EXCELLENT links I think everyone should check out...

HOWARD STERN: Road-Kill on Bush Crusade To Christianize America?

RUN AGAINST BUSH! Get exercise, meet new people and RAISE money to get rid of Dubya!!

Nancy Reagan Fights Bush Over Stem Cells

So you're not a total fan of Kerry? SO FREAKIN' WHAT?!! It's time for a REGIME change! Get Dubya out of office!

Don't like what's going on? LET THEM KNOW!!

Probably the BEST website I have ever seen!

This just terrifies me...the religious fanatics are trying to take over our rights!

I think I should just start a section detailing our bar hopping adventures!! We have discovered the wonders of happy hour and get together after work frequently. And we try a new place each time. Here are some of the places we've tested:

Paddy's -- it's on the maxline downtown on like 2nd I think. It's very good for happy hour food! The quesadillas and nachos are fabulous. The drinks are ok-beer is cheap for happy hour but I don't drink beer so that sucks.
Aura--it's across the street from Powell's on Burnside. This place was awesome!! The decor was groovy retro-industrial with a lot of metal mixed with funky furniture. The bathrooms are very cool too. :) The food was GOOD and the happy hour drinks were cheap. I recommend the Cosmo.
Jakes--this place is fabulous! Our friend Brian apparently knows all the bartenders there so we get free drinks. Our drinks are literally, ALWAYS full. :) Their Lemon Drops are to die for! Jake's is always crowded and loud. But fun. It's on 10th one block down from the Max.
Mo Mo's-- On 10th up from Jake's about 2 blocks. Small place but it has a fabulous "garden" seating area in the back. Their drinks are ok, so is the food. It's more of place "to hang and be seen".
Rockbottom Brewery--Right on the max line downtown on like 2nd or 3rd. It's an ok place. The drinks are good. The thing to order though is the dessert...I don't remember the name of it but it involved chocolate and raspberries...YUMMY!!
Brazen Bean--this place is totally cool and funky. It's in NW on 21st I believe...it's actually a little hard to find. It's in an old Victorian house they turned into a bar. There's outside seating for those nice evenings, and inside lots of crowded tables. It's dark with funky furniture, trippy music and LOTS of martini options. The drinks are murderously strong!! Beware! The food is delicious! I highly recommend the pizza in the happy hour menu. Oh and the cool thing about this place is that Happy Hour runs from like 4:30-8:30. So when the nearby happy hours run out, you can skip over to Brazen Bean.:)
Bartini--we went to this one last night. Oy vey...the room is spinning..! It's right down the street from Brazen Bean, next door to Trader Joe's in NW. Very cool place. Walls and ceiling are all black. Decor is all black except for the groovy purple chairs and couch. It's a small place and it fills up quickly for happy hour. We got there are 5:00 and got a table and 30 min later it was standing room only. Their Martini menu is actually a BOOK! I kid you not. Last night we drank sooo much. Actually I only had 2 martinis there (the French Kiss which was Greygoose vodka, champagne and stawberry and the Mintini that was very chocolatey and minty) but they were super strong! Anna had a Peartini, which was good, the Snickertini, the Jasmine Martini and a couple others I can't remember...Ian kept drinking those clear martinis with the green olives. Ick! Aimee had a Hazelnut Chocolate Martini which was more like a milkshake and it was divine! And she had a Lavender Martini which was soooo yummy! I highly recommed it for drinks. Food, on the other hand, WHAT A FREAKIN RIP OFF!!! We ordered a cheese plate, they bring this huge plate with literally, 3 slices of different cheeses on it. Um, and the rest of it is where...?? That's how all the food was. Super small, not worth the $$. We got our bill and for the four of us it was $75!!! But for me it was $22 because I didn't drink as much.
Kell's Irish Pub-- It's okay if there's a cool Irish band playing good music. But for the most part this is the place all the yuppy, jock, frat boy types hang out with their dumb blonde girlfriends.
Berbati's--Cool place to see a band!! We were there a few weeks ago to see Gaelic Storm. THAT WAS AMAZING!!! The music was fabulous, the dancing left everyone hot and sweaty. We hung out with the band afterwards and chatted. Cute boys!! :) The place is very intimate and makes you really feel like you know the band while they're playing.

Last weekend I went to a coming of age party. It was a lot of fun. There were a bunch of people there, drumming and food and talking. Then we did the ritual. It was a lot of fun. The mother and daughter were attached with a red ribbon to symbolize the umbilical cord. Then at the end of the ceremony it was cut. It was a very emotional ritual. And I wished *I* could have gone through something like that.

January 1, 2004: I had such a fun time last night! Anna and I ended up going to a party with some friends. We had no idea who was throwing the party, they were apparently friends of friends of friends. :) It was a pagan party. We got all dressed up and headed over there with our group. Let's see, it was Michael, Doug, Joel, Curt, Dave, Kelly, Anna Beorn, and me. I knew a couple of them from Sunfest. Anyways. Everyone at the party was in costume. Apparently the theme was The Tarot.

There were a lot of people there. Most of the night there was drumming and dancing. That was so much fun. And the group of us hung out talking and laughing. I don't think I've laughed harder in my life! Those guys are hilarious. My side hurt most of the night. Tons of talking, hanging out, dancing. Then at midnight the usual. I ended up getting home around 3am. I woke up this morning to tons of SNOW!!! It's almost noon now and it's still snowing pretty hard. It looks so nice. :)

I took Yggdrasil outside to play in the snow. He was so confused! He was curious and started sniffing the snow and stuff. He started to freak out a little bit. He was shaking and I felt his heart start racing. So I took him back inside. He likes to sit in the window and watch the snow fall. It's so cute. :)

Happy Samhain!

Anyways, this weekend I finally got my pictures scanned and tried to upload them to the site. Unfortunately geocities was having issues and it wouldn't work. I will try again soon. I also got a kittie!!!! I am so excited! His name is Yggdrasil (pronounced "drazzle") and as you fellow pagans might recognize, that's the name of the Celtic/Norse tree that united heaven and earth. There's lots of stories and lore about Yggdrasil. Anyway, the name seemed to fit. I answered an ad in the paper for a kitten. The lady rescued him from some kids that were abusing him. So I adopted him. :) He's so cute! We've been adjusting to each other so far. He's very loving and social. He loves to crawl all over me and play with my. He's such a sweet kitty when he curls up on the couch with me and lets me massage his little paws. He's 4 months old and mischievious as hell!!! I've never had a cat before so all this is new to me (plus I had allergies to a lot of cats....).

Last week my friend Erika and I went down to McCall's Restaurant/Lounge on the waterfront. It's a really nice place, with cheap happy hour!! She's friends with the band Storm that plays Dante's a lot. Storm was awesome! I was immediately blown away by her talent and amazing voice. I had so much fun! And the week before that, I met Erika and her friends at Conan's on Hawthorne. Her friend's band was performing. The music that night wasn't really my type and they don't serve liquor (and I don't like beer) but I had fun. I've been trying to get out more and make new friends since I cut out a certain toxic friend from my life. Things have been going good.

I was hanging out on Hawthorne last weekend when this totally cute guy walked up to me and shook my hand. I was a little taken aback but I stopped and chatted with him for awhile. It turned out he was a Hare Krishna monk. He was selling books on Hindu deities. I asked him if he had any books on Ganesha and he seemed totally blown away that I knew something about Hinduism. That was when he started hitting on me! I won't go into details, though they are very tasty details, but he was cute. And I admit I was a little intrigued by the whole Hare Krishna monk thing. Hmmmm....

I will write more later, and hopefully, upload those pictures!!

So for the last week I've been busy unpacking and stuff. The only thing that sucks about my apartment is storage, there really isn't any. So've I've been getting rid of stuff, selling some of the cool knick-knacks I have, etc. I have about two boxes left to unpack. Then I will be done. And I plan on staying in this place for at least a year. I'm looking into buying a house. I just can't decide if I really want to stay in Portland. That's a hard decision!!

I rented some good movies this weekend to watch while unpacking. "Skulls," "Identity," and "Deliverance." Deliverance...I'd heard about it but didn't know much about it. I was watching the VH1 special on the 70's and they made fun of the movie so much I had to rent it! It was definitely disturbing....YIKES! Skulls was actually really good. I got it as a brainless-teen flick that doesn't have a lot of plot but it turned out good. But my absolute favorite was Identity. I LOVE THAT MOVIE!! It's kind of like the Sixth Sense in that there's a twist at the end, so I won't write about it. But RENT THIS MOVIE!

I also went to Powell's to get my book-fix. My addiction is buying books and reading. And it had been a while since I'd "used" so I needed a fix. :) I was in the psychology section looking through Jung's books when this guy next to me just started talking to me about Jung. It turned out he was visiting from San Diego and a friend recommended Powell's Books. He was impressed. I guess he was going to grad school in San Diego for psychology and he knew a lot about Jung. He recommended some books for me. He was kind of cute too :) I'd say he was 30-35 years old, Hispanic, his job was obviously physical because he had nicely defined muscles in his arms. ;) So anyways, we walked around the Red Room of Powell's recommending books to each other. He bought one of my favorite books, a collection of Rumi's poems. And I got Jung's "autobiography" about dreams. After we parted I shook my head, kicking myself. I should have asked him to coffee or something. I always think about those things AFTER it's too late. grrr....!

What else has happened? Hmmm....I've been organizing my pictures and putting them in albums. I'm hoping I can find some time to get a bunch of pictures scanned onto my site! We'll see. I also cut out a very toxic "friend" from my life. It was difficult and I was very angry but I realized I was doing the right thing. So I've just been trying to adjust for the last few days. It's been strange. But now that this person is out of my life I think I will be able to not have her as a "crutch" and go out and make new healthy friendships. On a lighter note, I discovered my new favorite TV show!! It's called "Reno 911" on Comedy Central. I was flipping through the channels and by accident stopped on it one day. It was sooo bizarre I was hooked and kept watching. And I LOVED it!! It's like a spoof of Cops. It's indescribable! Watch it!!!

Portland Blues Festival!

The music was totally awesome. Just a run-down of my favorites...Phil Upchurch, Taj Mahal, Northwest Soul Collective, Roy Rogers, Bettye Lavette, Curtis Salgado Band and STEVE MILLER!!!! Yes folks, THE Steve Miller. The Joker. The Love. The Midnight Toker. SWEEEET!!!!!! And tonight, the legendary, the wonderful, the beautiful, the magical ETTA JAMES!!!! I am sooo excited for tonight's show!

I had fun. I got sunburned on Friday which sucked. But it was so beautiful down on the waterfront. The weather was absolutely perfect and there was a nice breeze coming off Willamette. Perfect! I met someone too. His name is Eric and he's the most GORGEOUS black man I have ever seen in MY LIFE!! I was swooning...melting...dizzy...He's in the Navy? I think...All I remember is him mentioning Special Ops. Anyways, he just got back from Iraq. Man was he BUILT! Anyways. We chatted and flirted and hung out Friday night. His friend Andre (I think that was his name) was a total perv though. He was there with one of his girlfriends and he kept hitting on me. I mean like porn movie hitting on me. Like winking and licking his lips. I was like oh my god this guy is a freak! He was cute, looked just like Lenny Kravitz. But come on!! Talk about coming on too strong!! Eric and I exchanged phone #'s and got separated during the fireworks show--which was awesome. We might hook up at the show tonight, who knows.

I will write more after I see ETTA JAMES!!!!!!!

Well update on "K"...like I wrote before, it was complicated, and he lives in Washington. But I think for the best, I am just going to walk away from it all and not get involved. I have to think about myself first and how I feel. Which is a total shame. He was the first guy I've met in a long long time that I really felt a spiritual connection with. That's something I look for first in people I date. I don't really care about looks and money and all that stuff. I don't think I mentioned this in my Sunfest update but "K" told me he was bipolar. WHAT THE HELL?!?!?! When he said that I sat up in bed and started laughing, yelling "Oh my god!" He was like, "I've never gotten that reaction before." OH MY GOD! That is the 3rd guy in the last four months that I got involved with that was BI-POLAR! Apparently I have a magnet in my body that draws them to me. I couldn't believe it!!! I told my mom and she laughed. Everyone I know laughs when I tell them about the bipolar thing. It is pretty humorous. But my mom said it's because I am such a nurturing person. That's very true. My personality is very mothering, nurturing...I seem to attract people to me that are looking for that type of person in their lives. Which I suppose is a good thing, but at the same time, I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER! LOL...oh well. One of life's jokes I suppose!!

My trip is coming up very quickly! I am sooo excited!! Two weeks from now I will be headed to Montana for my pilgrimage/road trip/vacation. I can't hardly wait! Well I am off for now. I have to get ready for the KICK ASS blues festival! Blessed be! P.S. At sunfest I bought a bumpersticker for my car. It has an american flag on it and it says "Goddess Bless America." :)

Sunfest!

Also, Anna and I went to the "Tantric Workshop." It was this huge parachute tent in the woods. They had carpets set up inside with altars and candles. About 13 people were inside there and we all sat in a circle. We did a ritual honoring the god and goddess Shiva and Shakti, passing around the candles, wine, food, and other honorings for the gods. Two women performed the ritual as Shiva and Shakti. Despite the "Tantric" name it wasn't really tantric. I know people's first thought is "orgy" but nothing like that happened. It was just really cool.

That night there was more firedancing and drumming. Sunday morning, we woke up around noon for the closing ritual. "K" and I spent a good portion of the morning together in my tent talking. We had an amazing connection. It was as if I was truly looking into the eyes of my soulmate. I felt like I had known "K" for many lifetimes. I gave him directions to my apartment in Portland and later in the afternoon he showed up. :) I was excited to see him! He didn't have tons of time because he had to drive back to Washington for work. But we spent about 4 hours together talking and stuff. We listened to the Portland jazz radio station and even danced to one of the jazz songs. I wish I could remember which one but "K" definitely made me lose all control of my senses.... He is an amazing, spiritual, sensitive person. He's soft spoken and intuitive. He could definitely read my mind. Anyways, he had to go home so we said our sad goodbyes. He gave me a gift and I gave him one of my favorite Miles Davis CDs...he said he wanted something to listen to when he thinks of me. :)

Anyways, my trip. It was okay. It was good to see my brother and hang out with him. My mom threw her back out so I didn't have time to get with any of my friends. But it was fun. Andy and I rented "Death to Smoochy." OH MY GOD! It was hilarious! How did Robin Williams NOT win an Academy Award for this movie? I loved it! We were hysterical watching the DVD.

I've planned out my road trip and talked to Rachel. She's excited too. Her and her boyfriend live together in Montana. They're going to take me camping and teach me how to fly fish. I am sooo excited! I used to fish with my dad when I was a little kid and it was cool. I'd even clean out the fish afterwards. But it's been a long time and I've never tried fly fishing. I am just so excited about this summer! I'm driving up to Seattle in 2 weeks for my little brother's graduation! Exciting! And Anna and I are going to Sunfest the weekend after that. The Portland Blues Festival is over 4th of July weekend and I'll be spending every waking moment down there. Then our family reunion--which is so much fun! And then my road trip! I haven't planned anything for August yet, I'll have to think of something...

I had a good weekend. Friday night I rented some videos: "The Hot Chick" FUNNY! "The Recruit"--which was totally awesome! And the 4th season of Sex in the City is finally out. I love that show. Saturday Anna and I took the max downtown and met my friends Alexis and Tanya for dinner at Accuardi's Old Town Pizza. It's on NW Davis between 2nd and 3rd, across the street from C.C. Slaughter's Bar. Pizza was pretty good! We hung out a little and then walked down to Burnside for the Starlight Parade, which I guess is what kicks off the Rose Festival. In the 3 years I've lived in Oregon I've never been to the Rose Festival. The parade was fun. Finally it was over and Anna and I walked back to Skidmore to catch the max back to my office where I parked my car. Every train that went by was so packed NO one could get on!! DAMMIT! So we said "screw this" and walked!! From downtown, across the Steelbridge, and about 10 blocks to NE from the Rose Garden. It was actually kind of fun. It was about 10pm, dark, the weather was really warm. It was fun. :)

If you�ve never seen the movie �The Beach,� I highly recommend it. I�m not a Leonardo DiCrapio fan but this was a REALLY good movie! Long story short it�s about him and his friends finding a secluded island inhabited by a small community. Basically just a bunch of hippies living in a commune, cut off from the rest of the world, growing their own food, building their own huts, and living together as a big family. During Beltane I got a glimpse of what communal living would be like and I must admit�as out of character as this sounds�I loved it! I loved everyone working together for a common goal. I loved everyone sharing food and drinks, passing it around to everyone. I loved the family atmosphere�especially amidst the forest. Returning to my one-bedroom apartment in the cold, alienating city was very depressing.

May 5, 2003: I have been reborn. Beltane was absolutely amazing this year!! Bear with me, a lot happened over this weekend! Anna and I left Friday after work. We packed up my car for its very first road trip! It was hot Friday in Portland: at least 75. We were wearing tank tops, skirts, and sandals with the windows down and the music blaring!! We drove down to Roaring River Campgrounds. It�s on the Mckenzie River about an hour from Eugene. The drive was absolutely beautiful. The weather was perfect, the mountains, gorgeous Pacific NW trees, and the white clouds just made the anticipation of Beltane more powerful!

Once we got into the National Forest (I can�t remember the name) the drive was even cooler. The road wound around the mountains with these huge canyons below. It was scary but beautiful! Along the way we stopped to take some pictures of the scenery, an old covered bridge, a really cool road sign with a pedestrian and a hool-a-hoop. We finally arrived at the campgrounds where the Beltane Festival was being held. There were about 40 of us and the rest of the campgrounds were empty. It was awesome!

Anna and I borrowed camping gear from our aunt so it took us awhile to set up. Our tent was literally 5 feet from the roaring river!! It was sooo awesome at night! Laying there, letting the sound of the river lull us to sleep. It was wonderful, just like sleeping on the beach! The campgrounds were absolutely beautiful. Indescribable. Sooo many trees, moss growing on the ground, wildflowers, tons of ferns�definitely the Goddess�s playground! We walked around meeting everyone. Anna knew a handful of people from previous festivals and I knew a few through Anna. But for the most part they were all strangers. But by the end of the weekend they all felt like family!

There was the main campground in the middle, that�s where everything was set up. In a clearing in the trees a huge fire pit was dug, edged with large rocks. That was the Beltane fire for the weekend. It was starting to get dark, it was probably around 8:30pm by then. I met this guy named Steve and we started talking, standing beside the huge fire. There were about 5 guys drumming and people were dancing. Steve and I got to know each other, flirted :) and shared the wine I brought. Someone passed around a bottle of homemade Mead, a �May Wine� aphrodisiac! Things were going very well with Steve, I liked him a lot. I won�t go into many details about him to protect his privacy but let�s just say he was almost everything I look for in a man! Steve and I celebrated Beltane together. We rejoined the fire and danced into the night. Many people were either topless or naked as they danced.

The next day we woke up to the sound of the roaring river, distant drumming echoing through the woods and tiny raindrops on the tent. Magickal. Time to prepare for the Beltane Ritual! We gathered in the center of the campground. Last year�s May King and Queen made a speech and we split up into two groups. The men went into the forest to find the maypole while the women stayed behind and prepared the hole. We took turns digging the hole and then gathered decorations from the forest. We used leaves, evergreen tree branches, ferns, moss, wildflowers and anything else we could find. Some people brought small statues of deities and put them around the hole.

At that point the men marched by us dragging a very small branch behind them, acting like that was the maypole! We all made jokes full of sexual innuendos�it was afterall, Beltane, a fertility festival!! We made jokes about the size of the branch, etc. etc. LOL. The men continued into the forest, drumming and doing �manly� things. Later, I heard that some of the men bled on the maypole. (Basically they got scratched while they were tromping through the forest.) It started hailing but it wasn�t cold or wet or anything. The weather managed to stay perfect for most of Saturday!

We lit a purple candle and then began the women�s ritual. It started with all of us standing in a circle holding hands. We closed our eyes and started humming as we rocked side to side in unison. The humming gradually got louder and louder and the circle got smaller and smaller as we moved closer to the hole. Finally we all raised our hands at the same time, screamed out and then dropped to our knees and grounded ourselves. It was one of the most powerful moments of my life. Afterwards I felt like electricity was running through my body!

Dinner Saturday night was a potluck set up underneath a tent by the Beltane fire. We ate, celebrated Beltane, hung out, had fun�When night fell the dancing started again. Steve was drumming with some of the other guys. I was dancing on the other side of the fire, across from him. The fire was big and hot so most of us stripped down to the bare minimum. Some were topless, some wearing a bra and their skirts. I wore just a tank top and my pants. I was also wearing a sheer black scarf with silver moons and stars on them. I closed my eyes and got so lost in the rhythm and the mood. Every once in awhile I�d open my eyes and catch Steve�s gaze across the fire. We�d smile and that electrical feeling that I�d felt all day would just intensify! The dance was amazing; the drumming made my entire body alive! This girl Sarah ended up being my dance partner for the evening :) we danced together and played with my scarf�dancing together so it looked like we had multiple arms like Shiva. Steve said watching us dancing from afar was very magickal, that we looked magickal. I definitely FELT magickal!

Later I jumped the Beltane fire. It was so cool! The story goes that if you jump the Beltane fire with someone, you�re supposed to be married to then within a year. I jumped by myself. I think that symbolizes a new beginning for me. I definitely feel like a new person. I feel like my world has changed, my eyes have opened, I�ve reached a higher level of consciousness. Anna and I eventually went to bed. It was strange, the entire weekend I never felt tired once (except when I ate some brownies someone gave me�hmmm�I think there was something other than walnuts in them. Who knows.). We barely ate all weekend either!! We brought all this food and I think I ended up eating three muffins, drank some apple juice, and then ate at the potluck and that was it all weekend! We mostly consumed alcohol! We brought two bottles of wine, there was tons of Mead passed around, and during the Maypole ritual we drank some Strega�which is awesome!!

Sunday Steve snuck into my tent to say goodbye. He had to take off early. (Actually I had absolutely NO concept of time the entire weekend!) We hugged goodbye and had a little moment and then he left. :( Anna and I got up and hung out for a few hours. One of Anna�s friends, Ed, was there and he took me for a walk into the forest down to the river in search of a walking stick/staff. I found the perfect one that I can�t wait to decorate! I also found the perfect wand I�m going to fix up. It�s on my altar for now. I wanted to bring something home from Beltane.

Eventually we left. Anna and I followed our friend Chris to the hot springs that are on the way back to Eugene. I think they were called the Terwilliger Hot Springs(??) I will double check that. This very cool guy named Michael met up with us later. He was one of the drummers from Beltane. We hiked about a mile into the forest where the hot springs were. There were probably about 15 people there. The hot springs were sooo cool! At the top there was a small waterfall that went into a little pool then there was another pool and another below that one. The lower you got the cooler the water was. We got in at the top. The water was so warm!! I don�t know the actually temperature but it was hot! I started to feel dizzy so I sat on the rocks to cool off a little. There was a doctor there and he said that my blood pressure was probably really low from the heat. (And I�m sure no food, no water, only alcohol all weekend had something to do with it.)

There is something about nakedness that brings people closer together. Clothing was �optional� at the hot springs. Most people opted for no clothes. We met a lot of really cool people and I think being mutually naked and vulnerable let down people�s pretenses and inhibitions. We stayed in the hot springs for almost 5 hours!!! It was absolute heaven. At one point it started to rain and the rain felt so good while in the hot springs. I laid on my back, floating, and stared up at the blue sky, white drifting clouds and the moss covered trees around me and just floated�.The hot springs alleviated ALL of our pain: all of our back pain from camping on the hard ground, all the sore muscles from dancing, and all of the stress that we had accumulated from work and life. It was incredible! I want to go back!

Anna and I drove back to Portland, hauling ass so we could get our pictures developed in one hour�they turned out cool. I wish we could have taken more. The drive home was a little bittersweet. The further away we got from the campgrounds the more it dawned on me how damaging it is to live in the city. I hadn�t realized how completely out of touch I was with my spiritual side, with my soul, until this weekend. The Beltane Festival definitely showed me what I need to do with my life. One thing is my job. I like my job for the most part, it�s stable, it pays better than retail, I like the people. But it�s not the right job for me. Steve said I should get into social work and he�s right. All this time I�ve wanted to volunteer at a women�s shelter, or volunteer at schools to help kids learn to read, etc�when what I really need is to find a REWARDING job that feeds my soul! Steve has a very noble job and I am so envious and impressed with him. He�s a quiet creature with a good soul. When he crawled into my tent to say goodbye he grabbed my shoulders tightly, shook me and said that I HAD to find another job! We didn�t really make plans to see each other, which sucks. He just said �maybe we�ll see each other in Portland.� But who knows if that will ever happen. If it does I will know the Goddess had a hand in it!!

I'm not going to go into details of today because it's long and involved and not pretty. But let's just say that Ivan will probably end up in jail or a hospital by the night's end. And I have to walk away. No matter how much I care about him, or how much I wish I could help...I can't. Ugh, today SUCKED...happy fucking earth day.

Somewhere I Belong -- Linkin Park
"I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
I was confused
And I let it all out to find/that I'm
Not the only person with these things in mind
Inside of me......
I will never know myself
Until I do this on my own
And I will never feel
Anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be
Anything til I break away from me
And I will break away
I'll find myself today...."

We decided to head out and walked a few blocks to Berbati's. The last time Anna and I were there was almost 2 years ago for the My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult concert. So we got in and found a booth pretty easily. It was about 11:00 and the place was dead. But that was okay. We got drinks and hung out for awhile. Ivan is definitely very shy. He finally opened up to me and told me a few things about himself that were definitely personal. I really felt connected to him at that moment because we both experienced something in our lives that...how should I say this...I can't think of a way to say it politely so I will just say it. He's bipolar. I've dealt with depression my entire life, I've been on medication for it for about 9 years now I think.

Anna and Kurt left us and went back to Lush to meet one of Kurt's friends who was supposed to hook up with us. They were gone for at least two hours!! But Ivan and I did NOT notice. LOL. At one point this guy came and sat down next to us in the booth. I thought it was just some random guy being a retard but it was the bouncer! LOL Later another bouncer came over and shined a flashlight in our face and told us to get a room. Whatever. :) It was pretty embarrassing. But the mood and moment was just perfect. Around 2:00am the bouncer came over and asked us to leave for being too "hot and heavy"!! OH MY GOD! I was so embarrassed! It was strange because in our little booth it was just the two of us and it felt like the rest of the club had disappeared. Anyways. So I found Anna and Kurt, who had come back by then. Kurt pulled me onto the dance floor and we started dancing and he asked me what the chances were that Ivan and I could take a cab home. LOL I said "$20 and Anna's all yours!" LOL I was joking, but Kurt gave me $20 for the cab ride home. So Ivan and I walked out into the pouring rain, my arm around his waist, his arm around my shoulders. We hailed a cab and climbed inside. It only cost $14 to get to my apartment. We said good night and then Ivan took the cab back to his place. I fell asleep with a huge smile on my face. It was one of the most romantic nights of my life I think...I don't know how things are going to go. Our last relationships weren't great for the both of us. He said it would be best for us to take it slow. But he said he wanted to see me again so we'll see what happens...Okay there--that's my story, I bared my soul--a little bit censored but nevertheless naked honesty. :)

They all LOOKED like Marines. The haircuts, the CUT bodies, the macho attitudes. It was funny!! I was kinda hoping some punks would hassle us on the street so I could watch four Marines kick the crap out of them! LOL...anyways. The food was good but goddamn it was expensive!! Anna, Adam and I looked at the menu and looked at each other--we could all read each other's thoughts: "Holy crap, the caesar salad is HOW much?!" But the food was really good. Definitely a gourmet restaurant. The Marines ordered a few bottles of wine (NICE wine too, we're talking $40 a bottle!!) and for dessert there was a chocolate souffle. Before dessert, Dick did the smoothest thing. He got up to use the bathroom and paid the entire bill! I was so impressed. And that was totally cool too, the bill was probably about $300! Robert said that the Marines usually play "Credit Card Roulette." The game goes like this: you all order whatever you want for dinner (without considering the price) and then everyone throws their credit card on table. The waitress takes them all, mixes them up, puts them in her pocket. One by one she takes the cards out. The last credit card is the one that has to pay the entire bill! Holy crap!! :) The restaurant was called Veritable Quandary.

Okay anyways. After dinner, Adam and Kobe left and the rest of us walked down to the waterfront Marina and went to this bar called McCormick and Schmicks. Classy place! We all sat at the bar drinking and talking. If you were there we were the two girls with 4 Marines. :) I was sitting next to Rick and we were talking, really hitting it off... ;) But he was tired so him and Robert left and went back to the hotel. Understandable, they're all pilots and had to work at 6am the next day. They fly F18's I think they said. Anyways...So Dennis was at the end of the bar talking to two women (who looked pretty skanky) so it was just the four of us talking and hanging out. Kurt kept buying drinks for the four of us.

Kurt and I really had some chemistry. :) So we flirted and chatted until about one am....It was a lot of fun. I liked Kurt. But he lives in Southern California and obviously dating a Marine who's travelling all the time isn't fun. He asked what we were doing Saturday night. Anna and I told him about my date with "V"... :) So long story short, Kurt is going tonight as Anna's date. LOL! I can't wait. It's going to be sooo much fun tonight!

So around 1:20am we decided to go. We walked back to the hotel in the pouring rain. We were all dripping by the time we got back. But it was fun!

I met someone...It almost feels like I shouldn't say anything that might jinx it. I really like this guy. He's a year older than me. His job is very physical so he's cut!! Just think that incredible scene of Brad Pitt's washboard abs in "Thelma and Louise"!!! DAMN! LOL So anyways, Anna and I told "V" (that's what I'll call him for now) that we were going to kidnap him and take him clubbing in Portland. He's fairly new to the area and hasn't been anywhere yet. He's VERY shy and introverted-at least that's what I was told-but he wasn't that shy with me so who knows. So we planned on going clubbing Saturday night but now there's a birthday party for my aunt's friend this Saturday night and we're going to that first. It should be a lot of fun...I am dying for the weekend to come already! It's going to be a LONG freakin' weekend!

Oh...how we got on the subject of taking "V" clubbing...Anna told this joke to everyone at the party last night. "Why did Jesus die on the cross? Because he forgot the "safe" word!" Okay, Anna and I were the ONLY ones that got the joke! So for those of you that don't get it either, I'll explain...LOL In the S&M world, people tie each other up or whatever and there's a "safe" word for that person to say when the sadism gets too intense and they want to stop. So anyways, after we explained the S&M world to our middle-aged friends and relatives LOL they got it. Then it was the long-running joke about how Anna and I got to S&M clubs...Which isn't true. Never been, I didn't even know Portland had them! So I told "V" we were going to take him to a goth club. Now I just have to find one. Either Berbati's or Dante's I think. Dante's is on Burnside, I've never been, but apparently they have a bunch of fires in the club. That's cool. J So we'll see. I'm going to agonize in anticipation ALL week long! I will post what happens next weekend. :)

Tonight Anna and I went to a Jewish Synagogue. We decided awhile ago that in order to learn new things in Portland and make new friends we were going to do something cool and new once a week. So I suggested checking out a synagogue. We were both curious so we went to this synagogue in NW Portland on 18th...I can't remember the name. It turned out that it was a Reconstructionalist synagogue or something. It was very casual, not the stoic and serious environment we pictured. It was a lot of fun! We thought we would just be able to slip in unnoticed...not! There were only about about 40 people there and everyone knew each other so we stuck out like a sore thumb.

Everyone was REALLY nice though! This old couple was very friendly and gave us pointers. The song books were in Hebrew and like in Asia they read from the opposite side of the book. So they showed us which pages to follow along in. They were very helpful. Then during the Shabbat, the rabbi welcomed the new faces and asked if any of them wanted to stand and introduce theirselves. Everyone turned their head and looked at us! YIKES! But we bowed out. :)

The evening was a LOT of singing, which was really cool! I liked the singing. It was all in Hebrew but it had translations into English too. I liked what some of the things said. I've been starting to feel spiritually isolated. Paganism is a hard religion at times, especially since there isn't really a stable community--no churches, etc. But tonight I really felt the love and sense of community from everyone...eventhough we were outsiders. Everyone was so nice to us and came up afterwards to chat and find out what we thought of the services. The little old ladies seemed particularily curious. :)

Anyways, that was my night. It was a lot of fun and I'm glad we did it. I'm thinking I might go back one of these days. And I definitely want to check out other churches and religions. I think it's important to see what other people do and what they believe.

My little cousin Peter is being deployed to Iraq in a few short hours. He's in the Army. He's been stationed in Colorado (lucky bastard) for the last year. I talked to him this morning while I was at work. It was hard talking to him without getting emotional. I thought of Forrest Gump when Jenny tells Forrest to run away in the war and protect himself. LOL But seriously, since I found out last week my thoughts have been preoccupied by Peter leaving for Iraq.

I totally support our troops. Whether you're anti-war or pro-war, I think everyone should STOP PROTESTING!!!! We are ALREADY AT WAR and protesting isn't going to do anything EXCEPT depress our troops who are over there risking their lives for us. Please, everyone, the next time you want to protest the war, think of the young 20 year old boy in Iraq who joined the military to be a hero and wants to protect OUR WAY OF LIFE!!! And think about how he feels hearing that half the country isn't even supporting his efforts. That thought makes me want to cry. :(

Saturday night was so much fun! We picked up our friend Stephanie, who totally rocks! She's from Alabama and has the accent and everything but she's very liberal. She's a Howard Stern fan! Yea! She said that she's Howard's soul-mate, but he just doesn't know it yet. LOL that's almost word for word what I say! Our plans were to go to Harvey's comedy club because Anna got some free tickets. But there was some mix-up on the time so we got there and there was no room. Oh well. We hung out in their lounge for a drink while we decided what to do. I suggested we find a place to play pool until it was later in the evening when the clubs were actually crowded! So we went to NW Portland and checked out Touche's. It's this totally awesome restaurant (very nice!) with a bunch of pool tables upstairs. So we got drinks and a table and played a few games. By the end game we were totally sucking! None of us could get a ball into the pockets, Anna was frequently MISSING the ball altogther! And I--somehow-- managed to make the 8 Ball OFF the table and hit this girl at the next table! She was cool about it though and just laughed. But I stil felt like an idiot! So we decided that perhaps pool wasn't our sport and went on to the next destination.

We picked up a Willamette Weekly and a Mercury to see what was going on at clubs around town. We went to The Cellar Bar on Burnside, up the street from Powell's Books. It's a totally awesome bar. You walk downstairs into the underground bar and it's dark, lit by only candles and there's awesome music playing and mosaic's on the walls. We sat down for a drink and looked through the papers to find something fun to do. We decided to go down to 2nd and 3rd near Burnside since there's so many cool clubs in one area. Our idea was to check out Red Sea, this Reggae club. But we got there and it was $10 to get in so we decided to walk down the street to Kell's Irish Bar. That was sooo much fun!! There was this really great Irish band playing. I want to say they were called the Kings because I saw a bunch of people wearing the T-shirts, but I'm not sure. It was lively and fun music. We talked to some guys from Salem. The one I talked to was a 26 year old lawyer. It was pretty interesting chatting with him. But eventually we called it a night and went home. We had so much fun!

So today I am just taking it easy! Tonight is the Oscars. The Academy Awards have always been like my Superbowl. But this year is going to suck. They aren't even doing the red carpet, which is the best part! So I may not even watch it. I rented 8 Mile, I might watch that instead. Which is really depressing since the Oscars have always been such a big deal to me. Hopefully next year will be better!

I'm getting sick of all these war debates. Let's just get this out of the way, I am PRO-war. This war anyways. Portland has been aflood with Peace Rallies, Marches, Anti-war protests and it just makes me groan. I don't want to get any emails from people complaining to me either, so don't bother. But what drives me crazy is that people in the USA are defending Saddam Hussein--whether they realize it or not. They protest saying there's no reason to go to Iraq or fight Saddam. Um....yes there is. Whether he's hiding weapons or not I can think of about a million reasons to get rid of Saddam. For starters, what about the torture and poverty he's inflicting on his people?? (Rent "Three Kings" it may open your eyes...I know it did mine, I never really thought about the innocent people in Iraq. It's easy to objectify a country and just label them as "bad guys".) Anyways, what about 9-11? I'm sure Saddam funded the terrorists. I mean COME ON! He funds other terrorists, he gives money to the families of suicide bombers!! Who cares if you think we're going to war for oil? If we get Saddam it's worth it. It would be like getting Al Capone on tax evasion. Who cares that it was tax evasion? He was caught and that's what counts. I think the same applies here. Anyways, that's the end of my venting.

I'm taking a week off from work next week. I can't wait. I'm so excited to take my car out! I don't know where I'm going to go. I may end up going to the beach. I have no plans. :) I thought about driving down to southern Oregon and check out Ashland, and some of Oregon's vineyards. Oregon has the best Pinot Noir wine. I need a vacation from work. Don't get me wrong, my job is great--very cushy :)--but I haven't taken a vacation since August when I went to San Francisco. But even then it wasn't really a vacation--we drove to SF and we only had about 4 of 5 days to check everything out. It was a little stressful.

I've also started research on a new novel I'm working on. Part of my research is taking me to "the dark side", so to speak: serial killers. Right now I'm researching psychology, which is cool in itself because when I first went to college my major was going to be Psychology. Specifically Child Psychology.

I've been fairly preoccupied lately. While I'm at work with plenty of time to think about things, I find myself thinking about Colorado. My family is totally baffled by my urge to move to Colorado. Anyone who's ever known me knows me as a city girl. I loved Seattle's culture. I love going to museums, big bookstores, clubs, etc. etc. So they don't understand why I am suddenly wanting to move to the sticks. I don't know why. Maybe I'm just getting older and wiser. :) Maybe I'm nesting...preparing my life for a family. I've always wanted to adopt a child in need of love and a family and lately I've been thinking about it more and more. It isn't an oddity for my fantasies at work to turn to me adopting a child and building a home and a stable life in Colorado. Surrounded by the ostentatious, magnificent purple mountains covered in white snow...walking down the quaint mainstreet in a small community...enjoying the air and 300 days of sunshine amidst snow! How amazing does that sound?

As I'm writing this, I'm staring at my calender. It's a beautiful calender with images of Buddha and quotes from my favorite poet, Rumi. December's is: "Gamble everything for love, if you're a true human being. If not, leave this gathering." I'm a capricorn and it's in my nature to settle down into something stable, familiar, and comfortable. Which is a good thing in itself. But left alone, that quality can flip into stagnation, compliancy, and apathy. I have definitely felt apathetic since Samhain this year. I've had a rollercoaster ride of a life the last year and half. Lots of changes, lots of new things, new experiences, new places, new people. Yet I've walked through all those new things, experiences, places, and people with a detatched apathy. I look around me and see people I know settling into relationships, getting married or having kids, because IT'S THE THING TO DO. I've talked with these friends who seem to have an underlying fear that they won't find anyone else if they don't "settle" for what they have now. There's a quote that says:
"Relationships are not answers to problems. They are rewards for getting your life in order."

I've been stuck in some sort of limbo for the last year. Last year I moved from Seattle back down to Portland, by myself. I got a crappy retail job to sustain me while I searched for something better and about 6 months after moving I found that job. It's been a great job that's given me money and opportunities. I've dated a few people--one of which, "S", could have worked out and been amazing but it didn't--and the others were nothing worth mentioning. But through out all of these things, I have not felt complete. Part of me doesn't want to get into any serious relationships because I don't plan on being here much longer. I've set a date for my move: June 2005. Two years. But a thought came to me today while I was studying feng shui theory...Perhaps I am using the move as an excuse to NOT get involved, NOT set down roots...I've slacked off on my worship. My daily prayers had gone down to weekly. And it HIT ME! My entire problem was just that, I hadn't been in touch with my religion, my god, my faith. THAT was the detatched, apathetic feeling I was having. One of the core principles of buddhism is LIVING IN THE MOMENT, mindfulness, being aware, being ALIVE. I have NOT been living in the moment. I've been living in two years from now. I've let TODAY pass me by yet again, while I was staring at 2005!!

What does all of this mean, you ask? It's simple really. Religion--WHATEVER RELIGION YOU ARE--does NOT work unless it is practiced, unless it is performed. The whole meaning of ritual is that it's something you do with frequency. Where was I while my Ganesha statue and pentacles were getting dusty on my altar? I was dreaming of the future, ignoring the present. (Now this is just my opinion so take that into consideration as I continue with this thought.) The spiritual journey is often a rocky one. We get lead astray, we take the wrong fork in the road, we meet people on that road that test our faith. The first thing that comes to my mind is when I was forced to go to the Catholic church growing up. Every Sunday, sitting in the pew staring blankly. Periodically rising and kneeling with everyone else without even thinking about it. The whole act was robotic.

Sometimes we lose our way on that spiritual path. That doesn't mean we're on the wrong road, please don't think that. Sometimes we just need to wander a little bit. But in my experiences, getting lost is the best thing. Every time I've gotten lost somewhere I've discovered a new place or experience that was completely amazing and I would have missed it all if I hadn't gotten lost. The next time you get lost on your path, BREATHE...OPEN YOUR EYES...take it all in. And think about it this way: how do you know you're really lost? Maybe this was the way you were SUPPOSED to go! Maybe you've been fighting your destiny, trying to take the road YOU think you should take, and not the road you're really supposed to take. I've learned that lesson the hard way. (Listen to me, get a glass of wine in me and suddenly I'm a philosopher--but I'm simply sharing the experiences I've found helpful in my spiritual journey.) Take this final thought with you--in context with the rest of this LOL--

GET LOST...IT MAY BE THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU...

Other than that, it's been a busy few weeks...one of my aunts had a heart attack last week. She was in the hospital overnight and then went home. I guess she's doing okay now. That was stressful, but I knew she'd be ok.

Sooo basically, the only thing really occupying my mind right now is where to move to. I spend my lunch breaks at work surfing the web reading all I can about the cities I'm interested in. I have file folders at home filled with print outs on cities and info and emails I've gotten from people. I need to decide soon because there's sooo much planning for that type of move! It's not like moving 4 hours away! I have to decide on a city, go there and check it out (probably take a week or so vacation), find an apartment, find a job, make a savings plan, set a date, then comes the "fun" part of actually packing up here and moving from Portland. GRR! I hate moving. I'm not too sure about Denver. It's just another big city. And while I've always been a city girl (and could never imagine living in a hick-small-town) I am beginning to grow tired of the city life...so I may cross Denver off the list....

There's a Poll on the front page. Help me decide!

Also on the "news" front, I went to my old job today to visit with old co-workers and catch up on the gossip since I've been gone. I found out that this HORRIBLE supervisor I had that I absolutely hated and she hated me too I'm sure, well not long after I left she found out she had breast cancer and she's been doing chemo and had to have one breast removed. Her husband also left her, taking their kids. At first I felt sooo bad for hating her! Then I wondered, "did I give her cancer?" That may sound illogical to most. But I remember many a time that I wished she would be fired so I didn't have to deal with her hostility everyday. So all evening I've been wondering if I sent out that negative energy unknowingly and ultimately caused her life to spiral down! I confided in my cousin my fears and she brought me down to earth. No, I did not cause her cancer (obviously)--but perhaps her Karma was catching up to her. All those times she was a nasty person. That makes much more sense. Karma works in mysterious ways. I honestly can say that I think I've kept my karma "slate" clean my whole life. Sure we've all had moments in the heat of an argument where we say nasty things, but in reality I have never consciously wished harm another person.

I watched this fabulous movie today called "Big Eden." It was an excellent movie about an artist in New York that moves back home to Montana to take care of his ailing grandfather. He's gay. He meets his high school best friend whom he'd had a crush on for 20 years and they begin to get close again. But it's not that relationship that's so romantic. It's relationship between him and this GORGEOUS Native American actor named Eric Schweig and they are just really sweet together. It was such a touching movie! The way the rest of the small Montana town gets behind them all. It's my new favorite movie!!

Anyways, tonight I will be performing a spell to have a vision of my future. When I moved to Portland last year, I decided that it would simply be a stepping stone; I only planned on staying in Portland for no more than four years. So now I have three years left in the Pacific Northwest and I am perplexed at where to take my journey after that. I have several destinations on my list, and am unsure about which one is right for me. I am definitely nearing a crossroads, and it's difficult when faced with a major decision like this. If I go down one road, what will happen to me? Will it be the wrong road? Will I be faced with different experiences? Will I regret taking this road and not the other road? What comes to mind is "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost.

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;"

Anyways, to help my decision along, I went to Find Your Spot where you take a quiz and it calculates where in the USA you would mostly likely enjoy living. Most of the cities on my list were in two places: Oregon (oh the irony!!) and New England (specifically Connecticut and Massachussetts). However, one cities stood out: Albuquerque, New Mexico. So I've been doing research on Albuquerque and the more I read about it and see pictures, the more I love it! I think I have found my city. :)

October 2, 2002: I just realized that a few days ago was the one-year anniversary of my moving out on my own to Portland. It's hard to believe that it's been an entire year. Looking back, I can see how much I have changed. Breaking up with my ex was the best thing that ever happened to me: Ganesha puts obstacles in our path when we're going in the wrong direction; my ex was definitely an obstacle. I've grown emotionally and spiritually in the last year. Having time to reflect, I realized I moved in with him for all the wrong reasons. I know a lot of women move in with their boyfriends for the wrong reasons, so my "story" really isn't all that uncommon. My reason was that I wanted to move out and couldn't afford to do it on my own. But I made it. On my own. It is the most empowering thing a woman could do, and I did it. I've survived my first year and came out strong! I embarked on my journey alone, moving out without a roommate or anyone to lean on. I've had a busy year too, getting a new job and going through their classes to get a promotion. I went on a vacation to San Francisco, something I've been wanting to do for years, and I've made a bunch of friends that I cherish (you guys know who you are)!

October is a time of reflection for many reasons. For me, it has always been a new beginning. Samhain is the celtic "New Year's Eve" and I've always done some sort of cleansing ritual as well as my "resolution list" on Samhain. This year will be no different! My spiritual life goes in cycles, it seems. There are times in my life when unfortunately I neglect my faith. I always know when there's something "not right" in my life because I get that "dead" feeling inside. I felt that way when I was with my ex, I felt completely dead inside. It took time to realize, after the fact of course, that I was going down the wrong path and THAT was why I felt that way. And believe me, Ganesha tried to warn me, many times. Everytime my ex lied or did something dishonest (which was A LOT), that was Ganesha saying to me: "Do you really think this is the right path for you to be traveling down? Relationships are not supposed to be filled with constant pain, distrust, and agony." Of course, I ignored him. Most people ignore their inner voice. I just shut down because of the ex, causing that dead feeling. Neglecting my faith, ignoring the warnings.

Something that comes to my mind when I think about this last year, and specifically last summer, is The Tower card in the tarot. The Tower represents traumatic change, something that shakes your entire being or your entire world and makes you WAKE UP, take notice, and realize you have to fight to survive. Some people turn over the Tower card and are filled with dread. They think of it as being a negative card. But there's a saying that I think is very fitting: "Life is like photography...you use the negative to develop." When I see the Tower, I see something positive, I see change and adaption, something new, *I* see renewal and rebirth. That is exactly what I needed in my life to WAKE UP and see that I was miserable with him, unhappy with my life, and angry at myself for neglecting my Faith!! For Samhain this year, I am going to decorate my altar a little differently than I usually do for Samhain. The Tower card will definitely be on it. But I will discuss my Samhain altar in further detail in my Ritual Journal.

I started my new Tai Chi class this week. It was sooo much fun! I finally found something I love. I tried to do yoga for a few years and I got a few poses down pretty good but I really need to take a yoga class 2 or 3 times a week for it to really make a difference and I just don't have time for the practice. But Tai Chi is amazing. I will be writing more about it soon!

September 14, 2002: Tonight I am listening to a mix of disco and dance tunes to get ready for tonight. At the moment it is Alpha Bill's "Big In Japan." I've been getting a lot of emails from people saying they love this page about me. That's so cool. I started this page mostly for my friends who still live in Seattle and other places, it's cool that strangers like it too. But most people who email me say that they like to read what I do but that I should have more information about WHO I am instead. So here you go:) Here are some little known facts about me:
1. In highschool my best friend and I used to each lunch in the cemetery 2 blocks from the school. It was very cool. She tried to teach me how to drive a stick in that cemetery too. Good thing everyone was dead because I was a dangerous driver! :)
2. I am a Capricorn...very capricorn...compulsively clean--ask anyone who's been to my apartment...which leads me to the next fact...
3. Almost everything in my apartment is purple.
4. I love horseback riding and I took horseback riding lessons when I was a kid.
5. I hate Star Wars. Don't email to bitch and moan about this fact either. :) I hated SW ever since I was a kid and my ex-boyfriend was a total geek obsessed with Star Wars. Ugh, makes me cringe.
6. I am not an animal person. I don't like cats or dogs...they're dirty, they smell, they get excited and jump all over me and lick me, and cause really bad allergies.
7. I love Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby" among other cheesy bands like Milli Vanilli...Before you rake me over the coals though, I must say it's mostly for nostalgia and remembering my youth. HOWEVER, I do know most of the words to Ice Ice baby. :)
8. I am wearing my hair in pigtails as I write this...just killing time before I am meeting my friends at the club. :)
9. I hate all the "reality shows" on tv. I saw one or two episodes of Survivor and it was beyond lame. You know, people watch TV to ESCAPE reality, why the hell are reality shows such a huge craze? Anyways, I will rejoice the day this fad dies.
10. About 5 years ago, I had a temp job working at a Halloween Store in Seattle. Part of the job required dressing in the costumes, standing on the busy street (Aurora Avenue) wearing a sign for the store and waving to people. UGH that sucked! But it was cool that I could pick my costume. The most popular costume (which got the most honks and shouts) was the Scream costume. Of course. But the other favorite was this: I dressed up as a devil (the red costume and everything--even the pitchfork) and wore a Bill Clinton mask. People liked that. LOL It was the height of the Monica Lewinsky scandal I believe.
11. All the other "little known facts" about me are either embarrassing or things I will NEVER share with the world. LOL. So there.