Wednesday, January 21, 2004
cny and money and love and you and I and the whole fucking goddamn world

I have been so caught up in the excitement of self-depreciating and the throes of finding self-worth that I haven’t been able to write at all. I’m much better now but am not completely back. At least, I’ll be taking a short 2-3 day break and when I come back, there will be money to collect! Yippee ai yay. Money makes the world go round. No, scratch that. Shopping makes the world go round but money helps facilitate shopping. Now it all makes sense.

And where does love come in you might ask. A month ago, perhaps, I would have jumped up and done a whole cheer in the name of love, complete with backflips and pom poms. Today, I’m a little jaded. Oh well, at least there’s always SHOPPING! Thank God for malls! Who needs love when you’ve got malls? I’m thinking of entering the bumper sticker business.

Happy Chinese New Year! May the sound of never-ending drums, gongs and bad Chinese singing ring in your ears this whole season. And may I find ever more victims to feed to the ang pow god. May I find a corrupt doctor who loves feeding Prozac pills to his patients. And may I come back safe, sound and whole again.

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Tuesday, January 20, 2004
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I feel like I have had a hole eaten out of me. I no longer feel complete. I feel lost. Pick me up…

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Wednesday, January 07, 2004
and happy holidays to you too

I’ve been feeling horrid despite all the festivities. My insecurities have been catching up on me and I’m sure I would have a better chance of escape from the Hiroshima bombing than from my self-diffidence, my self-doubts and my self-consciousness. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so bad about myself before. I don’t remember ever feeling so un-pretty, so un-charming, so unlovable, so unattractive, so awkward, so lost, so un-amusing, un-clever and so the list goes on…

Ooh… Sure I could sound out the people I love and tell them how I feel but I know also the textbook responses almost everyone is conditioned to give in such situations. You wouldn’t well expect them to tell me, “Hey! You’re right there. You are most dislikable. Here, jump!.” Also, these people I love, I’m quite sure, love me too. They above all else, would be blind to the truth and the flaws in me.

This isn’t self-pity that I’m feeling for myself. It’s more a feeling of utter disgust and helplessness. What is wrong with me?

I wish now more than ever that I could run away from myself, that I could switch bodies and temperament and brains with someone else.

But how can I?

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Tuesday, January 06, 2004
grimacing..

There is no way in hell I’m getting pregnant, so help me Lord.

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Thursday, January 01, 2004
new year’s!

Things I learned over New Year…

1.       Do not agree to stay over at a friend’s place when she/he’s not feeling well. You’d probably end up    spending time watching her/him sleep.

2.       How much I love Jim Beam.

3.       How men in general are asses. Nono darling… not you. Just MEN in general.

4.       How you cannot trust men. Nono darling… not you. Just MEN in general. I think.

5.       How frizzy hair really looks like pubes.

6.       How much I love Jim Beam.

7.       How everything can have a phallic connotation, especially if you’re talking to Sarah.

8.       How small the world is, though that might have something to do with living in Singapore, @#*&$ Singapore.

9.       How much I dislike Mediacorp Singapore and their sub-standard entertainment. Thank God for cable.

10.   How you should just party New Year’s Eve away and never try to do anything different.

11.   How much of a chicken shit I am.

12.   How a drunk boy in the toilet really inconveniences everyone.

13.   How good it feels not to make resolutions.

14.   Did I mention how much I love Jim Beam?

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