Me.

I was an only child for four years. So when Brynn came along, I hated her. She stole my dad away. I’d cover her in days’ worth of talcum powder. I fed her cold water when she had a fever and giggled about it. I was and remain still, evil. It’s not something I’m proud of.

I had a miserable allowance. A fact I still gripe about to this day. I had various money-making endeavours in primary school. They mostly failed miserably and got me into trouble. That is why, business to this day scares me and bores me. Don’t get me wrong, I love having money. It almost makes the world go round for me. But I’d rather be doing something I’m good at and something I love than making a hell load of money but remain miserable.

I like life to be simple. Complexity intrigues but frightens the hell out of me. They drive me into a corner, whimpering and whining. I’m weak. But if something threatens someone or something I love, watch out world!

There are a few people who make me happy. I am completely myself when I’m with them. I feel at ease. I’m contented simply being in their presence. I can talk like there’s no tomorrow and I need to say everything I’ve been bottling up. I can simply enjoy the joy silence brings.

There are many people who don’t. I hate pretending. I hate small talk. I never talk about the weather unless I want to. I hate aunts who ask about school simply because they have nothing to say to me. I’m fine with them not speaking. I don’t see the need to strike up conversation for the sake of doing so.

There are many things that make me happy. I like seeing people happy. I like seeing someone helping out a fellow friend. I like even more, seeing someone reaching out to a stranger. I like lying on a grassy patch with my bestest friend in the world without having to utter a word. I like the feel of raindrops on my face. I like a strong wind. I like watching movies. I like shopping. I like a good book. I like singing to a song I love, albeit out of tune.

There are many things that make me sad and angry. Wars. Ignorance. Worst still, feigned ignorance. Hypocrisy. Selfishness. Inconsiderate masses. Lies. Big Lies. Hatred. We all need a lesson in love.

Oh I do lie. Sometimes I don’t try hard enough not to. But I do feel distaste for myself after. I both love and hate myself. Complexity.

I break promises. I owe many slaps to many people. Some promises I break on purpose. Most are unintentional. I forget. Lots.

I love. There is this one guy who makes me bubble with joy. It tickles me no end to think that I’ve got the better deal out of this relationship. I’ve told him before. He doesn’t care. And because of that, I love him more and I’m tickled all over again.

I crush. Josh Hartnett, Orlando Bloom, Stuart Townsend.

I lust. Josh Hartnett, Orlando Bloom, Stuart Townsend.
But I don’t lust in the way you probably think I do. It’s a more romantic kind of lust. I think.

I’m vain. I like hearing compliments. About anything. Everything.

I cry. Sometimes your eyes just need a good washing. I cry during movies, hard as I try not to. I cry when I listen to certain songs. “Tie a Yellow Ribbon” made me cry five times. I cry when I read. It’s easy to make me sad.

I laugh. I laugh lots. I try to laugh lots. I laugh in a most unladylike fashion. I think. It’s easy to make me laugh.

I’m mad. I’m afraid and not afraid. I’ll be your friend if you wanted me to. I forgive. Forgetting takes a little more effort. I bark. I bite. But I’ll do a silly dance to cheer up a friend.

I don’t want to grow up. Growing old is a necessity, growing up an option.

Life is tough. But I’ll take it with a pinch of salt. It hasn’t been easy. I don’t expect it to get easier. People look at me and say, “You’re still young. You don’t know what worrying is. You don’t know what stress is.” They forget what it’s like to be young. I’ll try not to.

I’m not sorry for what I am.

September 2003.