*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A love has come and gone,
And the years keep rushing on.
I remember what you told me
Before you went out on your own.
Sometimes to keep it together
You’ve got to leave it alone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Harm’s
Office
Three Months Later
Harm sat at his desk, staring at his appointment book.
There it was, the date he had both dreaded and anticipated for the last five years, circled in dark red ink.
Tomorrow was A.J. Roberts’ fifth birthday.
Tomorrow his life would change forever, whether for the good or bad still remained to be seen. Actually a lot of things remained to be seen, most of all what would become of his sad and pathetic excuse of a love life.
God, he had never been this miserable.
Everyday seemed to be an uphill battle: with his job, his friends, and especially with Mac. He had expected the coolness from Sturgis, after all he was the only one who knew exactly what had happened. Everyone else, including the Admiral, seemed to be leery of him, somehow knowing he was the reason for the sudden discord in the office right now.
Harm could have cared less. The only person’s opinion he was really worried about was Mac’s, and right now she was barely giving him the time of day.
After they had talked at Sturgis’ house he had honestly believed that they would be able to get back on track because it seemed like every other conversation they’d ever had over the years. Mac had forgiven him, well maybe not in so many words, but she had said that she wanted things to work themselves out.
There was only one problem; she wasn’t letting him even try to make things better between them.
He had tried, repeatedly, to get close to her again. And each time he was met with a soft smile and a refusal. No more dinners, no more laughing, no spending time alone together. Always ‘no’.
It had been so long since they’d gotten together, for dinner or anything else besides talk on a case, and even that was done in the safe confines of their offices. They hadn’t talked anymore about the night that seemed like a lifetime ago. Nothing. Seeing each other here, in the office, was about all their relationship consisted of these days. And while Mac wasn’t cold, she wasn’t entirely open to his advances either.
No matter how hard he tried it was always the same, and Harm couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that time was running out. Somehow he had to figure out how to get her to give him just one more chance. Just one.
They’d both be at the Roberts’ tomorrow for A.J.’s party. Maybe, just maybe, it would present him with the opportunity he was looking for.
Mac, for all her bravado, wasn’t faring much better. She put on the brave face for everyone; Bud, Harriet, the Admiral, Sturgis, Clay...and especially for Harm.
On the outside she was everything she was supposed to be; the calm, cool and collected, kick ass Marine Colonel. On the inside she felt like her life was being stripped away layer by layer, piece by piece, leaving her raw and exposed.
She missed him, she was forced to admit. He was really trying, trying to push his way back in, to get through her defenses. Every day had been a struggle. Three months worth of saying no, when all she really wanted to do was give in. But giving in just seemed...wrong. On a fundamental level she knew it was wrong. The emotional landslide of the past seven years had finally buried her under a mountain of guilt and the broken pieces of her life and she just couldn’t seem to claw her way out of the rubble.
So, after weeks and weeks of indecision, and a lot of self-introspection, she made the only choice she could live with. She’d had a long talk with the Admiral, and after much deliberation, they both realized that this solution was what was best for her. As her commanding officer he wasn’t happy, and really neither was she, knowing the implications it would have on her career. However, there just didn’t seem to be another option. But as her friend A.J. understood where she was coming from. Too much time had passed, too much water had passed under the bridge. If she were ever going to heal, if she were ever to start truly living again, she needed to get away from the hurt, away from the pain...away from Harm.
Seeing him every day was a constant reminder, of what they had and what could have been. Every time she turned around he was there, always there, and like the addict drawn to temptation she was still drawn to him. It was almost unhealthy, this pull she felt toward him. He clouded her judgment, ensnared all of her senses, totally consumed her thoughts. There was no Mac anymore; she couldn’t feel any of the old Sarah Mackenzie left inside. No all that was left was a jumbled mass of feelings, of emotions she had no control over while he was only twenty feet away.
And little A.J.’s approaching birthday had just solidified her decision. There was no way that she could deal with their baby deal on top of everything else. She’d harbored the idea of copping out and telling him she was dating again, that she was in a relationship and that their contract really was null and void, but couldn’t find it in her to flat out lie to him.
Even though she had stayed in contact with Clay, he had respected her need for time. They talked on the phone when she wanted to, had the occasional dinner, but it was all very platonic. He seemed to be willing to let her decide on her own what she wanted and for that she was grateful. But he, like Harm was not privy to her current plans. The only ones that knew were the Admiral and Harriet.
Looking up her gaze immediately met his, watching her through their office windows. The look of longing in his eyes pulled at her heart, and the urge to weep threatened to overwhelm her.
That was another thing she couldn’t stand. She wanted to cry, all of the time! The constant compulsion made her furious, seeing it as a sign of weakness. She had no idea how to stop it though, what to do about it. This wasn’t her. This had never been her.
She had learned early on to never show weakness, to bury her feelings, to not let people in because they’d only leave you in the end. Don’t show them the pain they caused. Don’t give them that kind of control. But it hadn’t worked with Harm. She’d let him in and look where it’d got her, hurt and alone.
Her heart hardened a little more but still she offered him a small smile. It wasn’t fair to lead him on but she couldn’t seem to make herself be cruel. And even though it killed her she knew that leaving was the right thing to do. She had to go, she had to, because staying would destroy all that was left of her heart.
And some how, some way, she’d have to make him understand that too. And she needed to do it before Sunday and it was too late.
Taking her smile as an invitation, whether intended that way or not, Harm made his way over to her office. Eye contact was never broken. Even his soft knock was unnecessary.
Without words she waved him into her office, both dreading and anticipating whatever he was about to say.
"Hey," he said, almost embarrassed.
She wanted to chuckle at his uncertainty in approaching her but held back. Instead she answered, "Hey."
Looking everywhere but at her, Harm tried to work up the courage to talk to her, a task he'd never found difficult until recently. "I was...I was just wondering...would you like to go with me to the party tomorrow," he finished in a rush.
It was on the tip of her tongue to deny him yet again, but the panic in his eyes was enough to give her pause. When his softly spoken, "Please say 'yes'," made its way to her ears she found herself giving in.
"Alright."
One word. Only one word from her and he felt his whole day get a little bit brighter. "Really?" he asked, almost too afraid to believe she meant it.
The ghost of a smile playing on her lips, Mac nodded. "Yes, really."
"Okay." As he turned to go, something made him stop mid stride. "Mac?"
"Yes, Harm?"
Not knowing whether to push his luck or not, he threw caution to the wind and made the plunge. "Maybe...maybe after the party we could...talk."
Her dark eyes clouded and Harm was sure he'd pushed too far.
"Yeah. I think by tomorrow we're going to need to," she answered, knowing that time was rapidly running out.
Harm pondered her cryptic answer but chose to accept it at face value. She had agreed and that's all that mattered. He knew if he could just get her to listen, to accept his apology, they would be able to get past this and move on together. "I'll pick you up tomorrow then."
Not trusting her voice at that moment Mac gave her assent.
He didn’t have to wonder anymore. Time had finally run out.
She was leaving.
It was announced at the party, surprising everyone but the Admiral of course, and Harriet. At least no one else had known; he wasn't the only one in the dark. If it was any consolation, Mac looked just as shocked at the impromptu announcement. That thought, somehow, didn't make him feel any better though.
The day had been going well enough. Mac was pleasant, smiling and laughing with him. It was the most at ease she had been in his presence in a long time and Harm had felt the relief that immediately washed over him. The there was something else about her though, something he couldn’t put his finger on, but he didn’t let himself dwell on it too much. He was enjoying the day too much to try to name the underlying tension he sensed every time her eyes met his.
They had celebrated together, laughing at their animated godson’s birthday antics. Everything seemed so simple in those moments. This is how it would be for them someday, sharing their child’s joy with their friends. At least, he hoped that dream would someday come true.
When the wrapping paper had been cleared away, the candles blown out and the cake cut, the Admiral cleared his throat to get their attention. "If I may, while you’re all here. I have an announcement to make."
Harm’s ears had perked up and Mac tensed beside him, causing a slight tingle to run down his spine. How he knew, he couldn’t say, but Harm knew whatever their C.O. was about to say would somehow change the course of his life.
A.J. didn’t disappoint him.
As the announcement of her impending leave rang through his ears, Harm felt like he had been dealt a fatal blow in a prize fight. The light that had once shown brightly in his life dimmed and threatened to flicker out with just one sentence.
They hadn't talked about it. In fact, absolutely nothing had been said to each other after that. After the news had been delivered Mac ignored the well wishes and handshakes and had turned to face him, expecting a confrontation that never came.
The simple fact was he was incapable of speech at that moment and he’d done the only thing he could do. To the sound of her softly calling out his name, he had turned and walked away. With hastily given farewells he’d left the Roberts’ house as fast as he could, not even acknowledging the curious and sad looks he received from his co-workers.
Harm continued now to drive toward home, his knuckles white on the steering wheel.
He’d wanted…needed, to get away from her, to escape the hurt and betrayal he felt, even though her eyes revealed that that wasn't her intention.
Why hadn’t she told him? Was this payback? And then there was the even bigger question: what now?
He had to do something; it couldn’t end this way. She had to know how he really felt, before it really was too late. And, without a doubt, he knew he was the one that had to take that final step, because she had already shown she wouldn't. That knowledge alone was what gave him the courage to turn around, drive to her apartment, and knock on her door.
There was an eerie silence on the other side of the door. No stirring sounds; no rustling. She should have been home by now, checking his watch, guilt creeping in at the thought that she'd have had to find another ride home. He knocked again and waited. Still nothing. "Mac are you in there?" Dragging his keys out of his pocket, Harm searched for a key he hadn’t used in a long time.
When he entered the apartment the first thing he noticed was that everything was packed up, neatly stacked boxes lining the bare walls. She had leased the place furnished so all of the furniture was still in place, but the whole apartment was now devoid of any signs of Mac.
All at once reality hit him hard. Helplessness swamped him, his chest tightened, his breathing became labored. He had no idea where she was now but the possibilities were too awful to contemplate.
Backing up, he reached behind him, fumbling for the handle. He needed to get out of here, needed to run away from the glaring reminder of all that he’d lost.
Mac stood outside her door, searching for her keys. It had taken her about ten minutes after he’d drove away for her to call a cab and offer her goodbyes. Celebrating was the last thing she wanted to do right now.
She'd never meant for him to find out that way, the Admiral had said that he would make the announcement in the Monday morning staff meeting. She'd though she would have the whole weekend to say her goodbyes and get her affairs in order.
Webb already knew; she'd told him over dinner the night before. While he was sad to see her go, he seemed to understand her need. They sat quietly, just enjoying their last evening together. It was sweet, it was tender, and Mac had a hard time saying 'goodbye' when the night came to an end. With a tender hand on her cheek, Clayton Webb had kissed her, letting her know that the door was still open should she ever decide to enter. To say she was even more confused would have been nothing less than the truth. He'd placed a note in her hand and with another kiss on her cheek, had walked away.
Tonight though...tonight she had wanted to clear the air with Harm, to see if they could salvage anything between them. She wanted to talk about their promise...damn! She hadn't counted on the Admiral saying anything. Maybe the Admiral had thought she was going to try to leave without saying goodbye. Maybe he thought that she already had and it was safe. Whatever the reason, it was out there now and Harm had looked devistated.
The coward in her was relieved that he’d left. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to work it out with him; she did. But everything was still so...raw. As irrational as it was, even after three months, the wounds were open and exposed. For some reason she just wasn’t bouncing back like she had from the other times he’d hurt her. This time just seemed…different. But the rational side of her, the nurturing side, still needed him and wanted to take that hurt away. She'd been so tempted to go to him after the party, to stop by his apartment, to try, but...
Sighing loudly and shaking herself from her musings, she looked back down at her hands. Finally finding the right key, Mac slid it into the lock at the same moment the door flew open.
"Harm..." "Mac..." their exclamations came at the same time.
They both stood there in shock, not knowing what else to say or how to proceed. She thought about saying something lame such as, "What a surprise," or "What are you doing here, Harm," but didn't. She knew exactly why he was here.
"I'm sorry I just...let myself in," he stammered, nervous about her reaction to his invasion of her personal space. To his surprise she didn't seem bothered by it at all, and he took that as a good sign. Stepping back out of the way, he let her enter.
"It's okay. We...we needed to talk," she replied, eyes downcast.
"Yeah, we do," he agreed.
The silence grew between them before Mac finally suggested, "Why don't you take a seat and get comfortable. I'll...I'll make some tea." Without waiting for a response, she turned and fled to the kitchen.
Harm blew out an unsteady breath. This was awkward as hell, and he hated it. After sitting for another ten minutes he was starting to wonder about her when she finally exited the kitchen with two mugs. Her look was apologetic and Harm accepted it with a smile.
They took turns sipping their drinks, both trying to work up the courage to start the discussion.
He had just about worked out the whole speech in his head, all of the questions in eloquent sequence. But when he opened his mouth only one word made it past his lips. "Why?"
Mac answered the only way she could. "Because I have to."
Taking her hand, more as a comfort to himself than to her, he tried to reason with her. "Mac…I know that...that I hurt you, but you don't have to leave. If you really want me to stay away from you I will, but I...I don't want you to go."
The emotion in his voice was thick, and Mac could tell he was struggling for control. She understood it, because she felt the same way, but tried not to let herself be completely distracted by it. "Harm..." Drawing in a deep breath, she started again. "Harm, I know this might be hard for you to understand but this is something I need to do. You promised to give me space and..."
"I have given you space," he countered.
Shaking her head sadly she continued, looking down at the mug in her lap. "I know you think that because we're not spending as much time together as we used to that you're backing off, but you haven't, Harm. Even being in the same room with you is sometimes too much. I just...I don’t think you understand. I can't think when you're close, it's distracting...seeing you everyday, knowing that you're always there. And I desperately need to think, Harm. I need time to figure out what's happened to me...why I can't get past this."
Confused, Harm sat his mug on the coffee table with one hand while his grip on her hand tightened. "Which part are you having trouble getting past? The "us" part? The fact that I slept with someone else? Or is it…something else?" 'Or someone else,' he thought miserably.
His quiet questions rumbled around in her brain. She desperately wanted to tackle the big question, the "us" part. But a niggling thought caught hold of her and wouldn't let go as she took her hand from his and stood up to pace in front of the coffee table, separating them.
"You know, maybe it has nothing to do with you," she said, even though she knew it did. "Maybe I'm just tired of living my life by what people expect of me." Warming up to her subject she plowed forward. "Maybe, for once, I'd like to decide on my own what I want and what I need and not have a man, or my fucked up emotions, dictating my life for me!"
Harm gaped at her, caught off guard by the ferocity of her tirade.
Seeing his bewilderment, written all over his face, only made her angrier. "But now that you mention it. While we're on the subject of "us", just once, I'd like to have a conversation with you that I didn't feel like I have to choose my words carefully, or tread lightly, to avoid a disastrous outcome. Maybe, just maybe, I'd like to be able to speak what's on my mind without having to worry if you're going to run screaming into the night."
His wide-eyed look of panic only lent credence to her words. "So, here it is laid out for you, so there's no misunderstanding. I've wanted to be with you for as long as I can remember; not just sex, but really with you."
Harm felt like his throat had turned to sandpaper and a lead weight had settled back in the pit of his stomach. "Mac..."
"No," she cut him off. "I've held this in for too long, and damn it, you're going to listen," she pointed at him. "I've watched you go from one woman to another, waiting until you 'let go' or get over whatever the hell it is you need to get over. I've lived through your obsessions, one right after another. I've lived through you telling me 'no' but having no problems getting into a relationship with someone else. Then, after Paraguay happens, and we finally start getting closer again, I finally decide to take the chance. I finally decide to come to you...and I find you in bed with someone else. Damn it, Harm, I can't do this anymore!"
Harm was on his feet in the space of a second. "Now wait a minute. I'm not going to take all of the blame for everything that's happened between us, and what's happening now. You've still never let me tell you what happened that night. And I've tried to work things out with you before, so don't act like you're the martyr in all of this. Especially since this is the first time we've both ever really laid it on the line at told each other exactly how we really feel," he stated defensively.
Mac crossed her arms over her chest. "So, enlighten me, Harm. Tell me why you felt the need to sleep…" she caught herself. "Tell me what happened."
Harm gulped, trying to organize his words carefully so as to cause her as little pain as possible. "I…I came back to the office that night, to persuade you to go out with me. I was going to cancel with Sturgis and finally…try to set things straight…between us."
Mac felt her blood slowly begin to simmer again. "Then you want to tell me why you didn't and ended up in bed with some blonde?"
Her reaction triggered his. "I did! I came back and heard you...talking on the phone with Clayton Webb."
The color started to drain from her face, remembering her conversation on the phone that night. "You were…you heard?"
"Yeah, and you sounded pretty damn cozy from where I was standing."
"But…I…I told him that I couldn't go out with him," she stammered.
"You did?" he asked, incredulous.
"Yes, I did," she ground out.
The wind seemed to leave his sails all at once. "I guess I didn't stick around long enough to hear that. I just left as fast as I could. I…I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut. All I could think about was you, and him, together. I've never felt anything like that in my whole life, Mac. Not even with Brumby."
"You were jealous," she stated flatly.
"You're god damn right I was jealous!" he thundered.
"So, you took off and found someone else? I don't get it, Harm. How did you get from there to little Ms. Bed head? Was she someone you already knew? Was she one of the reasons you've been keeping me at arms length ever since New Year's?" she practically shouted.
"What?" he asked, unable to keep the hurt from seeping into his voice.
Mac noticed but went on anyway. "Is she why you've practically been avoiding me since January?" she demanded, speaking slowly, her voice deadly calm.
"No, I didn't know her. I was drunk and she...she was a waitress there at Benzinger's, and that was the first time I'd ever laid eyes on her." He quickly changed the subject. "And we've seen each other almost everyday, Mac. How do you figure it that I was avoiding you?"
She left the drunk comment alone and decided instead to answer his question. "Oh come on, Harm. We haven't spent an evening alone together since that night."
"It wasn't because I haven't asked, Mac. We were both busy and then it just never seemed like the right…" he cut off, not wanting to finish that statement.
Mac finished it for him. "Time?" When he mutely nodded, she continued. "What makes you think it ever will be?" she asked, unable to meet his steady gaze.
Those words, uttered long ago, now haunted both of them.
When he spoke the words shook her to her foundations. "Because I love you."
Her head snapped up like a whip, her eyes staring into his. She expected to see surprise; surely he hadn't finally been brave enough to speak those three words. But the truth was there, written in every line of his face, in the ever-changing color of his eyes.
Like the steady beat of a drum, the dance began. The longer she stood there, looking at the longing in those blue-gray eyes, the easier it would be to give in...to fall…
When he stood and made his way over to her, her body went rigid. She wasn't ready to be this close to him yet; her defenses were still down. "Harm…"
He was going to touch her, and if she let him, she knew it would be over.
She willed her feet to move, but they stayed rooted in place.
It shouldn't be this hard, damn it! She should be stronger than this. Why wasn't she stronger...
When he was close enough, his fingertips feathered across her cheek, before cupping it in his palm. "I do, Mac. I love you. I don't expect you to feel the same but I couldn't let you leave without knowing that. No matter what I've said or done...or haven't done, please...please believe that."
She shouldn't give in...but oh god she wanted to, even if it was just for tonight. "Harm…I…I'm not ready to say…"
"I know," he whispered.
Choking on a sob, Mac grabbed him by the shirt front. "Damn you! You're not playing fair!"
He would have laughed if he thought she was really trying to be funny. She wasn't. Another "I know," was all he offered.
"Damn you," she muttered again before pulling him down, roughly, for a kiss. Catching him off guard, Harm fell into her, pushing her back toward her door.
Hitting the hard surface behind her, Mac was sent reeling, her world thrown off balance by his assault on her senses. Gasping, her lips parted underneath his. Harm seized the opportunity to explore the inside of her mouth, his tongue brushing lightly against hers.
A combustible need, greater than she had ever known, swept through her like a brush fire. Everywhere he touched her the flames spread until there was nowhere left for it to go. The heat was so unexpected…and yet so familiar.
After all of the talking, after covering so many things, she had expected things to be more than a little awkward. With the tension building all this time, their first real sexual encounter should have been a bit more uncomfortable, right? Seven years…going along as they had been, flirting and dancing around the issues…occasionally stealing the passionately restrained embrace and kiss. Both feeling the urge to go further, but both afraid to do so, hindered by all of their fears. A nagging voice of doubt was trying to work its way through the foggy recesses of her mind. This was wrong…it was wrong to give in when she knew she'd have to leave him in the morning.
She ignored it. She was going to give in. Deep down she knew, before it had even happened, that there was only one way this night was going to end.
As the kiss drew on though, becoming passionate and urgent, she couldn't help but be worried by her response to him. With his hands behind her head, holding her firmly in place, controlling the pace of the kiss, she was completely at his mercy. Even if she had initiated it, he was now in charge, something that was unacceptable to her.
Releasing her grip on the front of his shirt, her hands skimmed up his shoulders, massaging lightly before working up toward his face. Gently she caressed his cheeks as she continued to kiss him back.
Finally, the need for air caused them to break apart and Harm leaned back. With hands braced on the door beside her head, he looked down at her. She could feel his unsteady breath on her face as he exhaled and it only seemed to add fuel to the fire between them.
"You're so beautiful," he whispered, taking in her swollen lips and the deep flush on her on her skin.
Her eyes became wide, not expecting the heartfelt compliment. That light in his eyes was finally for her and Mac felt herself fall a little bit further. He was hammering away, breaking through all of her defenses and her traitorous body seemed to be hell bent on surrendering, no matter what her mind might be shouting. When his lower body rubbed against her it was all she could take.
"Take me to bed, Harm," Mac moaned softly. No more thinking, she told herself. This is what she had always wanted, right? So damn the consequences, she was going to have it. She'd deal with the fallout later.
Impossibly, his blue eyes became black as midnight. Trying to still be a gentleman, Harm laid a barely there kiss on her lips before resting his forehead against hers.
"Mac…are you sure…"
"Shhh…" she placed a finger to his lips. "No more talking; I don't want to talk anymore. Just for tonight I…just want us…just this…" she trailed off as that same finger traced a line down his chin, then his neck, before opening each of the buttons on his shirt and pushing it off his shoulders. Hooking her finger in the waistband of his jeans she gave a little tug, pulling him closer.
His right hand moved then to grip her hip, squeezing it, before tracing its way along her left side. When his thumb brushed the underside of her breast she gasped. "Just for tonight?" he asked, his voice husky, his body drawn even tighter by her audible response.
"That's all I have to give, Harm" she replied sadly, her fingers playing in the soft spattering of hair on his broad chest. "It's up to you to take it…if you want to." 'Please take it', her body screamed.
He only hesitated for the briefest of seconds. "I'll take whatever you'll give me, Mac," he answered, hoping against hope that before the night was over he could change her mind and make her stay.
Harm groaned when her hand skimmed over his zipper and the straining bulge in his jeans. "Mac…Christ…"
Cupping him, she gave him a squeeze. "No more words, remember?"
Instead of answering, his lips found hers again with a growl as he grasped her hips and lifted. When her legs wrapped around him, he had to brace himself again, the action almost sending him over the edge. His infamous control was almost non-existent at the moment.
Making his way clumsily into her bedroom, he briefly opened his eyes and was a little taken aback at the stark state of the room. These walls were bare as well, another reminder of what was at stake here.
The only thing that screamed "Sarah Mackenzie" was the islet, white and lavender comforter. So feminine, so…Mac. Harm had learned a long time ago that Mac was more than just a Marine, her soft, womanly side was an endless source of intrigue to him.
Sensing a change in him, Mac pulled back to look at him. There were so many questions to be asked, so many things to be decided, but right now nothing seemed to matter except being with him. Maybe then her decision would be easier. On the other hand, maybe it would make it impossible. Right now she didn't give a damn.
When he reached the bed they fell together, limbs tangling sensuously. Their bodies strained to be closer, to feel as much of the other as they could.
For Mac it had been way too long; there had been no one since Mic, and Harm's touch was the sweetest kind of torture.
Touching everywhere he could from her shoulder to her knee, he resumed kissing her while she responded with a similar motion, her hand mirroring his on his body. Breaking from her lips, he placed little nips along the long column of her neck, working down the side of her throat. Mac let out a soft sigh when he licked the patch of skin where her neck and shoulder met.
Propping himself on his elbow, Harm gently pushed her onto her back on the bed. He gazed into her eyes, seeing most of what she was feeling reflected there. "You have the most incredible eyes," he murmured as he let himself drown in their bottomless depths. "I love your eyes…they always say so much…" Using his index finger he traced a line down the buttons of her silk blouse, through the valley between her breasts. What little breath she had left her in a rush when he deftly began to unfasten the buttons, one by one.
Parting the fabric, Harm skirted his fingers along the lace cups of her champagne colored bra. They then tickled up the strap, causing her to shiver, before pushing it down and off her shoulder. His lips soon followed the path, then back through the valley of her generous breasts, only this time not stopping until he had blazed a moist trail down the flat plain of her stomach to the waistband of her jeans.
Finding himself suddenly impatient, he popped the button and lowered the zipper, immediately grabbing the sides to pull them down her long legs. Mac was more than eager to help him, lifting up to allow him easier access.
Tossing them over his shoulder, Harm turned back, sucking in some much needed air at the sight of her. The soft moonlight streamed through the window of her bedroom, making her skin almost glow. She looked like a goddess.
Mac tried to keep from squirming under his intense scrutiny. Years of self doubt flooded to the surface. Was he pleased by what he saw? Somehow he seemed to read her thoughts, and rubbed up against her. Judging by the hard lump bumping her leg, he was more than pleased.
Twinges of desire shot to certain areas of her anatomy. Repositioning her legs, Mac cradled him between her thighs, allowing them to lay full length against each other, snuggling close. They remained like that for a while, their bodies touching, until Harm could no longer ignore the almost painful confines of his pants.
Unable to restrain his increasing desire, he flicked the front clasp of her bra. He only allowed her to sit up long enough to remove both her shirt and bra before pushing her back again. Savoring the feel of her smooth skin, he let loose a groan when she rubbed her bare breasts against his chest. They were kissing again, both reveling in the exquisite sensation of skin-to-skin contact.
A soft sound of pleasure escaped her, which Harm echoed, as he rolled one hardened nipple between his fingertips. Her hips were thrusting wildly against his, and Harm was sorely tempted to rub her through her lace panties, but decided to pass, preferring to wait until she was lying completely naked underneath him. Instead he leaned down to take one taut peak into his mouth, rolling the hardened bud around on his tongue.
Mac had to stifle a scream as the moist heat from his mouth seared her flesh. Relentlessly he sucked and nipped at her skin, driving her to the brink of madness. "Harm...please..."
"Mmm...please what, Mac?" he mumbled against the inside of her breast.
"Touch you...I want to touch you..."
As one he rolled them, her ending up on top. Mutual moans rang out through the apartment when their lower bodies again came in contact with each other.
Deciding it was time for a little payback, Mac rocked slowly back and forth on top of him. When his hips bucked up to meet hers, she gave him a sultry smile. Leaning forward she kissed him, letting their tongues meet for just a moment before breaking off and kissing her way down his chest.
Lowering her mouth over one of his nipples, Mac gave it a good lick before taking it between her teeth. She lavished the same attention on the other, basking in his soft groans, before working her way down his body. When she reached his jeans, she made short work of his belt and unbuttoned them. Working the zipper down carefully over his erection, Harm held his breath, waiting to see what she'd do next.
When she placed a soft, lingering kiss low on his stomach just above the elastic of his boxers, Harm thought he was literally going to die. The next thing he knew she was helping him remove his pants, the only barrier left between them being their underwear.
The
tip of his cock was visible through the gap in the front his boxers,
making the garment virtually useless in her way of thinking. Licking
her lips, Mac grasped the sides of his shorts, urging him to lift up
so she could remove them. Once they were out of the way she firmly planted
herself between his spread legs and began stroking him, arousing him
more with direct physical contact.
It was nearly too much for him.
"Mac...stop," he hissed through gritted teeth. "You're...you're gonna make me..."
Liking the power she held over him she responded by squeezing him, her fist closing around his hard length, before slipping the tip between her lips.
He did the only thing he could think of to distract her. Lightly running his hand down over her stomach his hand moved between her legs, his fingers tracing the soaked silk of her panties. Her grip loosened and a gasp was all the encouragement he needed. Slipping a couple of fingers under the leg band, he rubbed lightly along her slit before pushing a finger inside.
"God, I want you," she whispered, raggedly.
"And I want to bury myself inside you. But I want to make you come first," he admonished while they continued to pleasure each other.
Her body answered for her with a somewhat more rapid grinding of her pelvis against his palm. It only took a few more swipes of his finger over her clit and she was there, barely able to draw in enough breath to speak his name. Her head dropped to his chest as her body continued to shake with the force of her orgasm.
For a moment he simply held her, waiting for her to recover, stroking her hair softly. When he felt her start to place soft kisses on his chest he knew she was ready to continue.
Flipping them, Harm pressed her back into the soft bedding. "That was the sexiest thing I've ever seen," his husky voice rumbled next to her ear. "Now, I want to be inside of you."
Spreading her legs, Mac gave him his invitation. Reaching for her panties, Harm pulled them down her legs, only to return to take a taste of her. Mac tensed as he licked his way up her inner thigh, drawing closer to her liquid heat. When his tongue closed around her clit, she let out a small scream. He could feel her pulse through the engorged nerve bundle, its steady thump beginning to drive Harm's need as well. He spread her lips apart with one hand while the other kept her exposed and delved in, this position allowing him to lick the entire delicious length of her with his tongue.
He couldn't seem to get enough. His intention had only been to get a taste of her, but a taste...it just wasn't enough. His erection was almost unbearable, and briefly he entertained the thought of stroking himself while he pleasured her. Glancing up he watched, mesmerized, as she palmed her breasts, lightly pulling her nipples. It was then that he realized he couldn't wait any longer.
As if on cue Mac spoke. "Please, Harm. I need...please..." The desperation in her voice sparked more tangled emotions inside her but again she pushed them aside. This was all that mattered, having him inside her was all she needed right now.
Crawling up her body, he placed the tip of his cock just at her opening, drawing out the anticipation a little bit more. Mac refused to be denied any longer and pulled his hips forward, letting out a loud moan as he reached full penetration.
"Oh yeah...oh god, Mac," he groaned as he kissed her cheek, not being sure if she wanted him to kiss her mouth with her taste still on his lips.
Working in and out of her, slowly at first, he tried to build some sort of a rhythm that would delay his own orgasm. It took everything he had in him to keep from coming as soon as he entered her. Her exquisite heat was just too much, it felt too good. The desire he saw shining back in her eyes told him she definitely felt it too.
Pulling his face down, she kissed him full on the mouth, surprising him. It didn't seem to bother her at all, and that thought alone served to turn him on even more. He then began to move with a little more speed, still teasing her with long, languid strokes.
"Harder...faster," she demanded, feeling another orgasm rapidly approaching. He complied, thrusting harder, increasing the pace, trying to throw them both over the edge.
It seemed to go on like that forever, though, almost like their bodies wanted to draw this first joining out as long as possible should it not happen again. Yet both knew it couldn't last forever.
"Hmmm...you feel so good, Mac...so good..."
"Oh yes...yes..." she chanted, raking her nails across his back. Fast and furious, the pace continued. Her legs wrapped tighter around him, her heels resting in the small of his back.
Without warning he turned them over, never breaking their connection. A very un-Marine like cry rang out as he slid even deeper. Harm's eyes rolled back into his head as she began to move over him. He'd never known pleasure like this. It felt like he was surrounded in velvet, her warm wet walls caressing him with every thrust.
When he was finally able to open his eyes he was in awe at her beauty. She looked so lovely, impaled upon him. He finally realized, in that instant, that from now on she was the only one he wanted. No one else would ever be enough.
Placing his hands on her hips, he aided her movements. Back and forth, up and down, she rode him, driving them both closer to another climax.
"Touch yourself, Mac. Rub yourself. I want to see you...watch you..." he begged, hungry for the sight of her working her swollen flesh.
"Mmmmm..." she did as he asked, her fingers dancing over her button, grazing his shaft in the process. "Oh...ooohhhh...." The coil in her stomach wound tighter and tighter.
The erotic sight in front of him finally did the trick. She could literally feel him swelling inside her.
Savagely he pulled down on her hips and thrust upward at the same time, and Mac cried out as her orgasm slammed through her body.
A loud shout of pleasure was ripped from his throat as his own body exploded at the same time. His hands continued to guide her up and down on his still throbbing erection as he emptied everything he had into her.
"Oh, fuck, oh Harm..." With his name ringing in his ears she clenched around him again, another smaller orgasm hitting her.
Starting to go soft he still continued to thrust, drawing it out for her until she finally fell forward to find his mouth in one last hungry kiss.
Holding that final passionate embrace for several minutes, their breathing finally slowed and his flaccid cock slipped out of her, causing her to shiver.
They just laid there, silent, enjoying the afterglow, spent and content.
"Thank you," he finally said, quietly.
For the first time since this had started, Mac began to feel the guilt creeping in on her. "For what, Harm?"
"For allowing me to make love to you, for allowing me to hold you. Whatever has happened so far...you're still all the answer I'll ever need, Mac." He kissed the top of her head gently. "I love you."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
She hadn't said anything back to him. In fact she had kissed him again to make him stop talking, to try to make him forget. They had slept for a while and then made love again, the second time more amazing than the first, and even more bittersweet.
The night drew on and the closer they came toward the morning.
Sleep eluded her now. Her mind worked furiously and her inner demons rejoiced.
Another battle lost.
Laying there, with her back to his chest and his arms wrapped around her, Mac tried to keep the tears at bay.
Guilt swamped her.
It had finally happened, they were finally lovers, but Mac felt none of the peace she had always hoped she would. It still didn't seem like they had said enough last night. That was her fault though, right? She was the one that forbade the words.
'No words...remember...'
Even though she would never regret what had happened, she would always regret the weakness with which she had given in to him.
If anything good had come out of this, though, she'd finally realized it wasn't all his fault, her feeling like this. But if it wasn't him...then it had to be her, and that meant the problem was still there.
There was still only one solution.
One lone tear escaped, falling silently to her pillow.
The morning sun seeped out from behind the shades in the bedroom.
Harm had once teased her about getting out of the dark ages and getting mini-blinds like everyone else. She had laughed along with him, but inside she had winced at the fact that she might have to reveal why she actually had them. Sleep had always been a rare commodity for her. Many nights she lie awake, willing sleep to come, and when it finally did it was in the wee hours of the morning. The shades had been a way for her to siphon just a few more moments of precious sleep before she had to start the rest of her day.
But not now. Now they were there to block out the reality of her messed up life. Out there the sun was shining bright on a new day...on the day that she had to get on a plane and leave.
She’d debated with herself for hours.
Should she say goodbye? It would be so much easier to just leave, to let him sleep and remember their night together just as it was.
That scenario was cruel. That wasn’t the way you treated someone you cared about let alone...loved.
Yes, she still loved him, had never stopped really. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough to ease the ache in her heart. And what did she really know about love, anyway. Last night had been an act of desperation, on both their parts. It was past time they faced that fact. Sex never changed anything, it only made it more complicated.
She knew he was awake, his breathing alerting her. They both remained silent, lying in each others arms, just wanting to hang on to a few more moments of peace.
Slowly releasing her, she turned on her back and looked up at him. He could see the unshed tears, clinging to her lashes, could see the unspoken emotions in her eyes. It was then that he realized that the only way to keep her...was to let her go.
The old cliche tumbled around in his brain, but it didn’t ease the anxiety he felt. If he set her free and she didn’t come back...he wasn’t sure how he’d deal with that. Everything inside him screamed to beg and plead, to do anything he could to make her stay...but his heart seemed to understand what she needed.
Somehow he knew her decision without ever hearing the words. She was still leaving.
He had made a promise to himself last night as they’d drifted off to sleep. Whatever she decided, he’d support her. No matter how much he wanted to he wouldn't push. Now, whether he could really do it would be the true test.
Without words they made love one last time, the intensity of the coupling staggering them both, as they said ‘goodbye’ as lovers.
He had held her while she cried afterward, determined to be whatever she needed him to be. He had then helped her gather her things and had followed her around the apartment making sure everything was as it should be before she left.
They talked only of details...
Where was her stuff going? Into storage.
Why do that when he would be happy to keep it for her until she was ready for it? Reluctantly she agreed.
Where was she going? She didn’t want to say.
How could he get a hold of her? She’d call him when she could.
What if there was an emergency, with either her or here? There would be a way.
And now, on the ride to the airport, they were too preoccupied in trying to fight the feelings that were threatening to push their way to the surface to actually have the conversation they needed to have.
Looking out the window, she was oblivious to the passing sights. Her focus was internal, being torn between loving this man and wanting to stay...and knowing that the only way she could ever move forward was to be away from him. It may hurt like hell, but in the long run, it would be the only way to be sure. Whether he understood this or not she was doing this as much for him as for her.
Harm stared at the road ahead of him, unable to deal completely with the fact that she was still leaving him, no matter how hard he tried to convince himself he was alright with it. And he had insisted on driving her to the airport, even though she had protested. Nothing, short of a natural disaster, would have kept him from accompanying her.
He still had so many questions to ask, but the one that lingered was, after all they had shared last night…how could they ever make things right if she was gone? Would they ever survive this? They’d been apart before and made it through, but this just felt...different.
Maybe she was right; maybe it would never be the right time for them.
Sensing her eyes on him, he briefly looked away from the road to meet her gaze, before turning back. She had something to say, he knew it, but part of him didn’t want to hear it.
She didn’t give him the option.
"I don’t expect you to wait," her voice came out as barely a whisper.
They both knew she wasn’t talking about the airport. "I want to wait."
"I meant..."
He cut her off. "I know what you meant, Mac."
They were now sitting in the unloading zone, neither moving. The silence was almost deafening, and before she could change her mind she smiled a sickly smile at him and jumped out of the car.
Before he could move, she had her bag out of the back seat and was rushing in toward the terminal.
Stunned, it only took a split second for him to jump into action. Not caring if they towed it away, he bolted out of the car after her, not bothering to take the time to even close the door.
"Mac!" he shouted, dodging passengers in his way to get to her.
Ignoring him, she kept running, his voice echoing through the hollow corridor. ‘Run,’ she told herself. ‘Run, Sarah...’
"Mac...please!"
She stopped abruptly. She shouldn’t do this to him. This was goodbye, for a while or forever, she wasn’t sure. But she needed this...he needed this. Turning, she saw him, stopped not thirty feet away. Waiting.
At the same time they moved, and all at once she was in his arms. There lips met in a kiss so passionate it stole the breath from her lungs. Observers would say it looked like the final scene from a love story, the happily ever after...for surely these two people were in love. No one kissed like that and walked away.
But as the tears streamed down her face, Mac realized that this is exactly what she needed to take with her.
Hope.
The hope that maybe when her search was over, her dreams really could come true.
Dragging his mouth away from hers he held her tight to his chest, stroking her hair as he soothed her. Finally, with a finger under her chin, he made her look at him.
She spoke first, hoping to halt any declarations that he might make. "I meant what I said, Harm. I don’t expect you to wait for me. I don’t know when..."
"I’m not going anywhere, Mac. I’ll be here, waiting...until you tell me there’s no reason to," he promised, stroking her bottom lip with his thumb.
When a tear made its way down his cheek Mac reached up and caught it on her index finger, as if it was a precious gift.
"You aren’t the only one crying this time, Mac," he assured her.
"My name is Sarah," she admonished softly.
Managing a weak smile, he agreed, this time feeling he was the one who was blessed. "Sarah...I love you."
Leaning on tip-toe, Mac whispered in his ear before kissing his cheek.
Closing his eyes, Harm took a deep breath. Again, before he could react she was gone, making her way through the security gate without looking back.
"Miss. We’re ready for take off."
Mac nodded as she buckled her safety belt, her gaze then drawn out the small window.
Her hand clutched a tattered piece of paper in her pocket, a scribbled phone number on it. ‘Anytime, anywhere,’ it said.
The other information she clung to was in her head, of memories and a phone number she would never forget.
As the plane took off, toward the west, Mac leaned back in her seat and closed her eyes.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
So you can get on with your search, baby,
and I can get on with mine.
And maybe someday we will find
that it wasn’t really wasted time.
The End
Yes, that’s the end folks. I really wanted to try to make it end happily but it just couldn’t. This was how it was always meant to end. I know this isn’t my usual kind of fanfic. This is my first real effort into the murky world of angst. I can’t say that I really enjoyed it because it took a lot out of me, emotionally and physically. But for some unknown reason, this story absolutely would not leave me alone until it was finished. This song has always haunted me, for reasons I will not share, and when I actually heard the Eagles do it concert it sealed the deal for me. It had to be written.
As it stands, I really had no plans to finish it further. In my head this is always where it ended. Of course in my head she eventually heals but, up until about a week ago I had no idea if I’d ever write a follow up. Since then I’ve decided to think about broadening my horizons, and try and write two different versions of a sequel (you all can actually thank Viv for that), a shipper version and a non-shipper version. I’ve never done it before, but maybe I’ll try my hand at it and see what happens. But if I do, I have no idea when that will be.
Thanks again to all of you who have stuck through this with me (which there aren’t many of you). I know it was brutal, but the ones that did truly are the best. Thanks to Vivienne for reading and lending her...unbiased opinion. <g> I also have to give a huge "Thank You" to Belinda, my beta and a constant source of support, both literary and emotional. She pushed me when I needed it and encouraged me to finish this journey no matter what, and would not let me compromise. For that I’m truly grateful.
On an emotional level this story reflects a lot of my own personal experiences and struggles, past and present, and I hope that I portrayed them in a way that was both enlightening and realistic. Life is incredibly tough, but its how we deal with it that defines who we truly are.
Now maybe that this is done and out of the way, I can get on with "Whispers of Romance", "A Game of Chance" and a new story that’s in the works with Amber (Chiang).
Here’s to hoping.
Kay