*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Oh, Baby there you stand,
With your little head down in your hand.
Oh my God, you can’t believe it’s happening again.
Your baby’s gone, and you’re all alone,
and it looks like the end.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Pain.
The pain was an unmerciful ache in her chest...in her heart...
How could he do this to her? How could he hurt her like this?
The images of betrayal flashed like the lightning, almost blinding her, as she continued to run down the street...his street, away from him, away from the sound of his voice calling out for her to stop...to listen...
Calling her name...
Sarah...
Running...she had to keep running...
Stumbling, she fell to the side walk, slick from the first drops of rain from the Spring storm blowing up around her. More rain...always rain...
And all because of him...
JAG
Headquarters
Previous Day
Mac’s Office
"Hey, Mac. I’m out of here. You need anything before I go?"
Mac looked up from the file on her desk and eyed her handsome partner, silently contemplating all of the things she really needed from him. However, none of the stray thoughts made their way past her lips.
"I can’t think of anything." After pausing for a moment, Mac gathered her courage and asked as casually as she could manage, "So, you got any plans tonight, Harm?"
"Not really. Sturgis had talked about getting together for a drink but I hadn’t committed either way. You?"
"Naw. Just a date with my television."
"You’re more than welcome to tag along with Sturg and me if you want to."
Not just him. Him and Sturgis. And ‘tag along’? She sighed. "That’s okay. Too much testosterone for me."
"Well, you know, if we Navy men are too much for you..." he let the rest of his sentence drop off but a smug smile was still playing about his lips.
Snickering, Mac replied. "In your dreams, Sailor."
‘Yeah, in my dreams,’ Harm thought to himself. "Well, if you change your mind, give me a buzz."
"Sure. See you."
"Later." And with that he turned and walked away without a backward glance.
Mac sat there for awhile longer, watching his retreat long after he had already disappeared. What was it about him that made her turn into a weak, mindless female in his presence. Or worse yet, just good ole Mac, his buddy, just a friend. It had been that way ever since it had happened. Oh hell, even before that. But since then it had been even worse.
"Good grief. It was just a kiss, Mackenzie," she chastised herself out loud. But even she knew the truth. It had been one hell of a kiss. New Year’s Eve had been spent together on her couch and as the seconds ticked down both knew it was coming...it had been inevitable when their lips had met.
Things had been going well since their little adventure in Paraguay. A lot had been discussed between them while there. Of course there wasn’t much else to do while stuck there but talk. They had cleared the air about her feelings for Webb, feelings, she assured him, that were that of friendship and of a deep caring for everything he had done for her. And they had reached the conclusion, together, to take things slow and easy in their own relationship.
They’d spend time together, work together, and if anything else developed...well then they’d deal with it as it came. They had returned, things semi getting back to normal, and had fallen into a routine of sorts. Evenings spent over dinner and maybe a little music, some dancing. Hugs, light touching, meaningful glances, soft kisses. They were moving foreward, growing closer. It seemed only natural to spend the evening ringing in a new year together...
A kiss. That was all it was, just another kiss...well a kiss that had really gotten a little out of control. They’d come so close that night, so close to taking that last step, but they hadn’t. The ringing of the telephone had interrupted the two would be lovers, and when they had broke a part, both were a little shocked at how far things had progressed. His shirt was hanging open, as was hers, and his jeans were undone. Mac had forced herself to move to get the still ringing phone and took a calming breath before answering.
It was Chloe calling to wish her a Happy New Year, and Mac was torn between wanting to hug the young woman she was so fond of, and trying to come up with an excuse to get rid of her. In the end it hadn’t mattered. By the time the relatively short call was over, Harm had righted his clothing and was cleaning up their dessert dishes from earlier.
Sighing, Mac pitched in to help him and soon after that he had left, placing a light parting kiss on her lips. The heat that had erupted between them earlier was gone and in its place the platonic friendship took the drivers seat once again.
And that’s where it had stayed for the last month and a half. There was no awkwardness, no hostility, but there was really no closeness either. Every time one brought up the idea of dinner, the other had to decline for one reason or another. To Mac it seemed like he had all but forgotten about that amazing moment between them. For her it was all she thought about. So close...
Shaking
her head to clear it Mac stood up and stretched, taking in the mess that
was her office. Ever since Bud’s accident, and Singer’s death,
Harm’s trial, and then the undercover mission, the office had been
in constant chaos with everyone trying to help get things back under control.
Even though Bud had returned in a limited "permanent" capacity,
he still wasn’t up to full speed
yet.
The sting of sorrow hit Mac once again at the thought of her still suffering friends. Things seemed to be better for them now, with the new baby and all, but still, it just wasn’t fair.
After gathering her stuff, she was just about to walk out when her phone began to ring. Debating on whether to answer it or not, Mac finally relented. "Mackenzie."
"Mac...did I catch you at a bad time?" the deep rich voice drifted over the line.
"Clay," Mac acknowledged. "No, I was just getting ready to head out." She wasn’t about to offer up any further information.
"Well then, I’m glad I caught you. Have dinner with me."
Sighing, Mac tried to dissuade the conversation she knew was coming. "I’m not really up for anything tonight, Clay."
"Come on, Mac. How many times are you going to blow me off before you just accept the inevitable?"
"You’re going to have to do more than talk to convince me, Clayton Webb." She was blatantly flirting she knew, but it had been a really long time since any man had showed an interest in her as a woman. A little bit couldn’t hurt...right?
"Just give me a shot, Sarah, and I’m more than sure I could convince you."
Mac couldn’t help but smile. Boy he was really laying the charm on thick tonight. Ever since their adventure as "husband and wife", Clayton Webb had taken his personal interest in her to a whole new level, which kind of unsettled her. They had talked in the hospital, giving voice to her reservations that things just wouldn’t work out between them. And to her surprise he seemed to understand. She thought he would just give up, and he had...for a while.
He’d remained in South America for some time before finally coming back to the states about two months ago and had started pursuing her relentlessly. She hadn’t told Harm about it of course. One, it was none of his business but two, because she still held out hope that one day her and Harm might be able to work everything out. Not that she wasn’t attracted to Clayton Webb, but was she willing to risk everything she could possibly have with Harm for a passing fling with Clay?
‘Who says it would be just a fling?’
So caught up in her own thoughts, Mac never saw the retreating form of the tall, Navy Commander that now felt like he’d been punched in the gut. He had come back to get her, to convince her to come with him to dinner, to hell with Sturgis. He was tired of acting like nothing had happened between them. He was ready...ready to move forward. It had been so hard to give her space after their kiss on New Year’s Eve. If it had been up to him they would have plowed right in to a relationship. But then she had seemed to back off, so not knowing what else to do, so had he. They were still speaking, still partners and friends, but he had held some slim hope that they might eventually be more.
And now this.
Webb...she was with Webb. After their discussion, after everything they had agreed upon, she was back with Webb. When the hell had this happened? Before New Years? After New Years? Could she really turn it on and off that fast? His head was pounding.
Drink...he needed a drink. Maybe he’d meet Sturgis after all.
Moving soundlessly, he made his way back to the elevators, never hearing the words that would have made everything right in his world again.
Pushing the confused thoughts from her head, Mac answered. "Look, Clay. I’m flattered, really but, you know I can’t. I’m tired and I think I just want to grab some dinner, maybe take a walk, and head home."
There was a brief pause and for a moment she thought he might argue. "All right, Mac. You win...this time. Just know, the offer stands. Anytime, anywhere. All you have to do is call."
The seductive tone of his voice was doing funny things to her. Okay, it was past time to end this call. "Um...thanks...Clay. I’ll remember that."
"I hope you do, Mac." And with that the line went dead, leaving one stunned Sarah Mackenzie. The buzzing of the line finally brought Mac out of her daze. ‘Geez, Marine, pull yourself together.’
Later on, after she had went home and changed, Mac was walking down the nondescript D.C. street. She had no idea what she was doing. Maybe she could, if she tried hard enough, convince herself that she really was out to take in the scenery, to unwind after her long day. Maybe she could make herself believe that it was because this particular vendor sold the most incredible hot dogs on the whole eastern sea board.
But as she walked along, completely alone and honest with herself, Mac could only convince herself of the truth...that she so very much wanted to make the short distance to Harm’s apartment and set everything right between them. It took another 2 hours but she finally did it. Gathering all of the courage she had left within her, she pulled her car into the alley next to his building. It was late, and looking up she noticed his lights were off but his ‘vette was there so she made her way into the dark, quiet building, knowing she couldn’t wait until tomorrow to talk to him.
Standing at his door, she faltered slightly but with one more deep breath to steady her, Mac lifted a timid hand and knocked. There was no immediate answer so she knocked again.
She was about to give up and leave when she finally heard rustling on the other side of the door before it opened to reveal a very startled and disheveled looking Harmon Rabb.
"Mac? Umm...wh...what are you doing here?"
Momentarily distracted by how incredibly sexy Harm looked in nothing but a pair of button-fly jeans that weren’t buttoned all the way, Mac finally met his eyes...
That’s when the panic in his voice finally registered and she knew immediately something was very, very wrong.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
You’re back out on the street
and you’re trying to remember,
how you started over,
you don’t know if you can.
You don’t care much for a stranger’s touch
but you can’t hold your man.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Leaning against the brick building, Mac sat letting the rain pelt her, willing it to wash away all of the hurt and anger she felt.
She should have run as soon as she saw his eyes. Even before a word was spoken, even before she saw the drowsy, young blonde come up behind him, Mac had known what he had done.
Selfish bastard.
She knew she really had no right to feel this way. They were friends, friends that had shared a few intimate moments between them. They weren’t anything more to each other than that...but she had so wished they would be.
Only now, she finally knew the truth. They would never be anything. Not now...not ever...
But why did it have to hurt this damn bad? Why did she still want him, need him, knowing that she could never have him? Why did he have to own her soul?
And dear God, what was she supposed to do now? How was she supposed to face him again, in the office, after...this? After acting like the lover scorned.
Lover. Harm’s lover. That would never happen, and her heart broke even more at the reality of it.
Turning her face up to the rain, Mac sat, her mind warring with her body about what to do next. Taking a mental note of the time she realized it was well after one o’clock in the morning. What the hell was she going to do? She didn’t want to go home; and going back for her car was out of the question.
She could really use a drink, the thought whispered through her mind before she could stop it, soft, seductive...
Just then a voice, as if on the wind, swirled around her...
"Just know, the offer stands...Anytime, anywhere...All you have to do is call..."
Clay. She would call Clay.
After standing there for a moment, stunned, Harm raced out of the building after Mac as fast as his legs would carry him. "MAC! Oh God, Mac, WAIT!" Reaching the end of the street he looked each way, trying to figure out which way she would have ran. "Mac...Mac...just let me explain..." he called, knowing full well there was no explanation for what he had done. More weakly this time he tried again. "Please, Sarah..." Choosing a direction he kept running but it was no use. She wasn’t there.
Sinking down on to the bus stop bench, Harm dropped his head into his hands as the rain began to fall, her parting words echoing through his mind...
"Harm? How...how could you? I thought we..."
And then she had ran. Away from him.
How could he? How could he have been so God damn stupid? Even though they weren’t a couple, after seeing Mac’s face tonight, the pain and hurt in her eyes, there was no doubt how she saw "them". And if the truth were known, that’s how he felt too. He also knew, in an instant moment of clarity, that she wasn’t involved with Webb, just how he knew he wasn’t sure. Tonight he had truly blown it.
Even with no formal commitment between them, he knew in his heart he had betrayed her and everything that they were together.
The earlier events of the evening came flooding back, along with a sense of overwhelming loss. The bar, the waitress, and Sturgis. Sturgis had tried to stop him, tried to get him to see reason, as if he had known something more about the situation that Harm didn’t.
But Harm had blown him off because he was jealous and angry. Angry at her.
Now...now he felt a loss so deep it was physically painful. He had lost her...and he had no one to blame but himself.
Benzinger’s
Earlier that evening.
Sturgis sat and watched as Harm poured himself another shot. The bottle was already half empty and they had only been there an hour. Something was bothering his friend, and even though Harm hadn’t said so, he had a pretty good idea what, or more specifically who, the problem was.
"Hey, Harm. Don’t you think you should slow down?"
"What are you? My mother?" Harm continued to down the amber liquid without even looking in Sturgis’ direction.
"You want to talk about it?"Sturgis offered, trying to at least subtly talk Harm out of the bottle.
Harm remained quiet for a second before downing another drink. "Nope."
"Come on. At least tell me what you and Mac got into it about this time."
Harm tensed at the mention of Mac’s name. Bingo!
"Why does it always have to be about Mac with you, Sturgis?" Harm practically snarled.
Wow, something big must have happened for Harm to be reacting this way. Undeterred, Sturgis countered, "Because when it comes to you, everything has to do her."
Shot glass stalled at his lips, Harm sat deep in thought again, and Sturgis saw something akin to pain flash in his friends eyes. Then he snorted in disgust. "Yeah, well, not anymore." The empty glass banged down on the bar with finality.
Frowning, Sturgis asked the now burning question. "What the hell are you talking about, Harm? What happened?"
Before Harm could answer, a woman’s voice came from across the bar. "How you doing, Sailor? Need anything else?"
Sturgis eyed the young blonde behind the counter. The suggestive tone of her voice wasn’t lost on him, and judging by the leer on Harm’s face is wasn’t lost on him either.
"What’s your name?" Harm slurred.
"Elizabeth," she answered, sending a coy smile Harm’s way.
"Harm," Sturgis gritted out through clenched teeth. "What are you doing?"
Never taking his eyes off the waitress Harm answered, "What does it look like, Sturg? I’m talking to a very pretty lady."
The waitress blushed, giving him another smile. "Harm, huh? Interesting name."
She had a nice smile, Harm thought to himself. She wasn’t nearly as pretty as Mac but...he shook his head, trying to get the images of Mac’s beautiful face out of his mind. Here was a woman, right in front of him that, by the looks of it, was definitely interested. Why not pursue it? It had been a long damn time since he’d been with anyone. And the one he wanted was no longer available, he thought bitterly.
"What time do you get off?" Harm found himself saying before he could give it too much thought.
"About twenty minutes."
"Hmmm..." was all he said in way of answer.
"Beth! Come ‘ere a minute," the bartender called from down the bar.
As she walked away, tossing a suggestive wink at Harm over her shoulder, Sturgis again tried to reach his friend. "Harm, what are you doing? You going to take that girl home?" When Harm shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly, Sturgis continued, the anger evident in his rising voice. "What about Mac?"
Now it was Harm’s turn to get defensive. "What about her, Sturgis? What the hell does Mac have anything to do with me wanting to get laid?"
Sturgis flinched at Harm’s crude remark, but trudged on, choosing to ignore it. "Think about what you’re about to do here. Not only is a one night stand dangerous, are you willing to give up everything you could have with Mac just to have meaningless sex with a total stranger?"
Punching a finger into his chest, Harm growled, "This is none of your business, Sturgis. Back the fuck off!" Harm immediately felt contrite after seeing Sturgis’ murderous look. "Shit, I’m sorry, man." Wanting to apologize further to his friend Harm offered to buy him another beer.
Shaking his head in disgust, Sturgis threw some bills on the bar and finished off the one he had. Grabbing his cover he turned to go.
"Sturgis...wh...where are you going?"
Sturgis turned back to stare at him intently. "I’m going to walk away from this before I watch a very good friend make the biggest mistake of his life. Night." He nodded curtly before walking out of the bar without ever looking back.
Deep down Harm knew Sturgis was right, but in the end it hadn’t mattered. Before Harm could even gather up the strength to follow after him, Beth was back, offering him another drink and something more...
With
his head hung in shame, Harmon Rabb sat alone on the bench, in the pouring
rain, and wept.