Sydney: Hmm. (gets up and tries to go to the door, but finds herself restrained to the wall.) And tied down too. Like a dog. How humiliating. (notices a water dish and a bowl of kibble on the ground within reach.) Now I think they�re going a bit too far.
Jack: Hey, why�s Sydney�s desk empty? Did she move?
Random SD-6 Goon: Naww, security section cleaned it out about an hour ago. They arrested her or something, I think they said. Sorry, Jack.
Jack: Are you serious? (grins) This is great! Finally, I get to do something other than talk! I haven�t asserted myself since episode 1!
R.S.D.6.G.: That�s nice. Go assert yourself then.
Sloane: There was a second transmission coming out of Geneva when Agent Bristow was in the bank vault. Not one of ours. It seems that she has betrayed us. I want you to find out how much damage was done.
Russick: �Kay. How do you propose I do that?
Sloane: We�re going to make it look like we�ve questioned you. You have to convince her that we�ll kill you if she doesn�t spill the beans. Sydney�s a major humanitarian-hippie type. She�ll squeal like a pig.
Russick: Is this going to hurt?
Sloane: Yes.
Russick: Nuts.
(Russick, now heavily beaten up, is thrown on the bed opposite Sydney.)
Sydney: Russick?!?
Russick: (sits up) �my butt hurts. (collapses)
Sydney: What�s going on here?
Russick: Oh, get real. They�re onto you. They know you made a second transmission out of Geneva. They think I�m involved too though. You have to tell them everything, or else they�ll kill me!
Sydney: Better you than me, buddy.
Russick: Hey! What happened to your humanitarian-hippieness?
Sydney: (shrugs) I�m feeling selfish today.
Marshall: (sighs) I don�t want Sydney to get all tortured and deaded and stuff. She has such a hot ass.
(A random beeping comes from his PC, arousing his curiosity. A message on the screen says, �Hey douche, you missed some info here! Dumbass!)
Marshall: (pouts, then reads further) Great. Even my computer thinks I suck. Err, I mean� yippee, I have the evidence to get Sydney off the hook!
(Sydney is now being strapped into a chair in what is obviously a torture chamber. The rack and the spike-filled sarcophagus are the two most obvious giveaways.)
Sydney: Well, I�m boned.
Torturer: (skips into the room, carrying his pointy-looking tools of the trade) Yippee! Whee! I love this job!
Sydney: My name is Sydney Bristow.
Torturer: That�s nice. My name is Torturer. I�m here to torture you. ^_^
Sydney: Any chance of me convincing you to make a deal?
Torturer: Oh, hell no! I enjoy the screaming far too much. I�m a psycho, you know.
Sydney: Picking up on that.
Sloane: (walks into the room) Torturer, stop.
Sydney: Goody!
Torturer: Awww� but I haven�t even started yet!
(Sydney is released, and Russick is brought in to replace her in the chair.)
Sloane: Torturer, start.
Torturer: Goody!
Russick: Hey wait, what�s going on here?!? What�s that you�re about to inject me with?!?
Torturer: A Hep� B. shot. Just because you�re about to be tortured mercilessly doesn�t mean that we don�t care about your health. (jabs)
Russick: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Sloane: Drier thought you were a double agent when Marshall picked up a second transmission coming from Geneva.
Sydney: Remind me to give Marshall and Drier a good butt-kicking.
Sloane: Then Marshall�s PC called him a douche, and he investigated further. It turns out Russick was transmitting to K-Directorate.
Sydney: You shitting me?
Sloane: Nope, not shitting you. I knew all along that I could trust you Sydney! Come to my arms!
Sydney: Yech. Do I have to?
Vaughn: That�s wacky. Russick was communicating with K-Directorate at the same time that you were communicating with us?
Sydney: I know, it�s totally screwy.
Vaughn: We had no info on Russick being with K-Directorate.
Sydney: So do you think it was really him?
Vaughn: Buggered if I know. Here, have a Christmas present. I got it from an antique store.
Sydney: What were you doing in an antique store?
Vaughn: Did I say antique? I meant� err� porn! Yeah, I was in a porno store.
Sydney: � (raises an eyebrow, unconvinced)
Vaughn: Okay, fine. I was looking for something for my granny.
Sydney: Awww� ^_^
Vaughn: Oh, the humiliation.
Sloane: When you gave us Hassan�s bank account number last week, we took a lot of the funds in there. We left him enough to spend in the event of an emergency, and now it looks like he has. Payment was made to one dude named Driscoe, who lives on a tropical island paradise. He�s well known as a document forger, who makes phoney identification for people.
Sydney: So you think he�s gotten himself a fake passport and all that kinda stuff? He�s trying to hide from us now?
Sloane: Bingo. I want you to get into Driscoe�s files and find out Hassan�s new identity. We�re sending you in under the alias of Victoria King, daughter of a billionaire tyrant.
Sydney: Fun. Does this mean I get a new, expensive bikini?
Sloane: Sure, why not?
Jack: Hey, I heard about Russick. That shit�s messed up.
Sydney: Yeah, I know. You didn�t have anything to do with that, did you?
Jack: Where did I go wrong in raising you? You were never this suspicious of me as a kid.
Sydney: I didn�t know you were a secret agent as a kid.
Jack: You�re still sore about me never getting you that puppy, aren�t you?
Sydney: Yes, dammit!
Vaughn: SD-6 wants Hassan dead, but the CIA wants him alive. We want his client list.
Sydney: Yeah? What�s that?
Vaughn: A list of his clients, stupid. People who bought weapons from him. So when you find out what Hassan�s new name and location are, tell us, and don�t tell SD-6.
Sydney: I still wanna blow something up.
Vaughn: Not this week. Maybe next week, if you�re good, and you ask J.J. nicely.
Will: So, whaddya think?
Random Audio Technician: Sounds to me like someone getting shot.
Will: Thanks, Einstein. I need to know more.
R.A.T.: Oh, right. Okay, sounds like a Walther PPK. Your typical spy gun.
Will: Spy gun, huh?
R.A.T.: Three shots� sounds like the first two were in the chest, and the third in the head.
Will: (pulls out Eloise Kurtz�s obituary and checks) How�d you know that?
R.A.T.: It�s in the script. Okay, I think I�ve cleared up part of the conversation� we can actually hear it a bit now.
Recording: Did you tell him about SD-6?
Will: SD-6? What the hell is that?
R.A.T.: Don�t ask me. Ask Google. Or Yahoo, if that doesn�t come up with anything. Maybe Alta Vista or Excite if you get desperate.
Will: Thanks, man.
Sydney: Hi, I�m Electra King, I have a reservation?
Hotel clerk: Lemme check�
Sydney: (bumps into a suspicious-looking guy with a huge, twirly moustache) Hey, watch where you�re going!
Suspicious-Looking Guy with Huge, Twirly Moustache: Oh, excuse me. (runs away)
Sydney: (calls after him) You oughta get a top hat and a cape to go with that moustache, moron!
H.C.: Ahh, did you say your name was Electra? �Cos we have a booking here for a Miss Victoria King�
Sydney: (slaps her forehead) Right, I always get us two mixed up.
H.C.: Wasn�t she the daughter of a billionaire tyrant from a James Bond movie?
Sydney: I took my stupid pills today, okay?
Sydney: Hello, my name is Elektra Natcheos� err, I mean Electra King� err, Victoria King! (sighs) Not my best performance ever.
Driscoe: Ooh, Elektra! I loved you in Daredevil! And the spin-off, I forget what it was called!
Sydney: Ssshh, it�s supposed to still be 2002. Elektra isn�t out yet.
Driscoe: Well regardless, you�re hot. I�d like to bone you. Whaddya say?
Sydney: Err� okay�
Driscoe: Wonderful. Here�s the spare key to my room - #314. Meet me there tonight for hot sweaty sex.
Sydney: Well, that was easier than I expected� wait a minute, 314? There isn�t going to be a Frankenstein-like creation waiting for me in there, is there?
Driscoe: Huh?
Sydney: Buffy reference. Never mind.
Sydney: I don�t believe this! There�s nothing on Hassan in Driscoe�s files!
Random Bodyguard #1: Hold it right there! What do you think you�re doing?
Sydney: I�m Driscoe�s latest sex-bunny. He gave me his spare key.
R.B.G.#1: Did he tell you that the bodyguard gets to bone you as well?
Sydney: Nope. Too bad. (throws him through a mirrored wall, then stares)
(Behind the mirror there�s a hidden surgery, in which there is a table upon which you�d expect to find something that psychotic surgeons would scream is alive, ALIIIIIIVE!!!)
Sydney: Oh, I knew it! Damned 314! (checks the PC in the surgery, only to find that Hassan�s had plastic surgery, and now has taken on the appearance of a suspicious-looking, clumsy man with a huge, twirly moustache.) Awwww� that�s just not fair! He was within range of me beating him to a bloody pulp, and J.J. makes me have to chase him across the globe again!
Sloane: Sydney didn�t find anything, but fortunately, I have other resources that don�t totally suck ass. I�ve received intel that places Hassan, with a brand new face, in Cuba. I want you to go to Havana and disembowel him.
Jack: (winces) Can�t I just shoot him? Disembowelling�s so messy!
Sloane: He�s a traitor and a thief. He deserves no less.
Jack: Alright, alright. Disembowelment it is. (pauses) It�s been a pretty crappy week for you, huh? First Hassan, then Russick�
Sloane: (shrugs) I once experienced a perfect moment, but at the same time, I knew a darkness was approaching. So whenever I have a crappy week, I just remind myself that I saw it coming.
Jack: Yeesh. You need to lighten up, Mr. The-Glass-Is-Half-Empty.
Sloane: No. Now go make with the disembowelling.
Sydney: Here�s all of Hassan�s new identity info.
Vaughn: Thanks, but we�ve already got it.
Sydney: Huh?
Vaughn: Sloane found out some other way, and sent your dad to go kill him. He�s going to bring Hassan in for us � grab the client list and fake his death, so that Sloane is happy.
Sydney: Then what the hell did I just go to Kenya for?!?
Vaughn: To prance around in a bikini?
Sydney: Oh yeah. Couldn�t I have just gone to the pool for that?
Vaughn: No. The more exotic the location, the better the prancing.
Sydney: You seem tense. Everything okay?
Vaughn: Meh, just had another argument with you dad.
Sydney: Wanna talk about it?
(FLASHBACK)
Jack: This plan is dumb. You�re a fool to think you can trust Hassan.
Vaughn: Hey, we have a CIA team ready to bring him in once you�ve apprehended him. He�ll rot away in prison for the rest of his life.
Jack: I don�t know if you�ve been paying attention, but in case you haven�t noticed, these things never go smoothly on this show.
Vaughn: I don�t care. I like my plan. By the way, I have proof that you framed Russick.
Jack: Can I see it?
Vaughn: No. Wanna spill your guts anyway?
Jack: Fine. My daughter was about to be tortured and killed, Mr. Vaughn. I did what I had to do to ensure her survival.
Vaughn: Psyche! I didn�t have squat, Bristow! Haha!
Jack: �I don�t like you! (leaves)
Vaughn: Aww, c�mon! We can still be friends!
(END FLASHBACK)
Vaughn: Not really.
Will: What�s in the bag?
Sydney: Chrissie present from some guy I work with.
Will: Dixon?
Sydney: (scoffs) Dixon can�t even go to bathroom by himself yet. Tennis racquets ring a bell? How the hell�s he going to get to an antique store?
Will: Good point. So who is this guy? Does he want to bone you?
Sydney: Who doesn�t? Which reminds me, how many times have you boned your secretary so far?
Will: (squeaks) Backing away now� (flees)
(Sydney opens the gift, to find a beautiful silver photo frame inside. Delighted, she tries to decide what photo to put in there � one of her with her mother, or one of her with her father. Then, staring at the photo of jack, it hits her.)
Vaughn: (rubbing his eyes) Goddammit, don�t you ever sleep?
Sydney: I just figured out that Dad framed Russick!
Vaughn: And what brought on this revelation?
Sydney: My staring at a photo of him.
Vaughn: It creeps me out the way you do that. Maybe you should think about a career as a private eye instead.
Sydney: Then it�s true? Russick was executed because my father framed him for my transmission?!?
Vaughn: Big fat hairy deal. There used to be six people in SD-6 who knew the truth about what they really do. Now there�s only five. He was a big ol� bedwetting doodyhead, who sold weapons and info to the baddies for money that goes into schemes like murdering people such as your fianc�.
Sydney: When you put it like that� (sighs) I guess I owe him one.
Vaughn: That�s lucky, because he got captured by Hassan�s men in Cuba.
Sydney: Oh, for crying out loud!
(Will meets with an inmate at a penitentiary.)
Inmate: I�m David McNeil. Who the hell are you?
Will: I�m Will Tippin. I�m researching something called SD-6.
McNeil: Don�t know anything. Go away now.
Will: Look, I searched all over the internet, and your name was the only one I could find linked to anything called SD-6. I talked to your attorney, who represented you. I know his theory that they wanted to buy your software, and when you refused, they killed your wife and pinned it on you. I know he�s looking after your daughter now.
McNeil: You�re a nosy little busybody.
Will: (blushes) Thank you.
McNeil: Keep going like this, you�ll either figure it all out or wind up getting deaded. Stay away from my daughter, and leave me the hell alone! (leaves)
Will: (mutters) I hope he drops the soap.
Hassan: Stupid SD-6, think they can kill me? Fools!
Jack: Ow�
Hassan: Do you mind not complaining whilst I�m gloating, man?
Jack: I�m sorry, but you have punched me in the face a lot with your brass knuckles, split my lip open, and ripped a big ol� chunk of my cheek out. I think I�m entitled to complain a little.
Hassan: No. No complaining. You sound like my wives � all eight of them.
Jack: What if I was to tell you that I didn�t come here to kill you? That I�m not loyal to SD-6, and am willing to fake your death so that they�ll leave you alone, in return for your client list?
Hassan: I�d say you were full of it.
Jack: Yes, I suppose you would.
Sydney: (taps random bodyguard #2 on the shoulder.) Hey!
R.B.G.#2: Hmm? (turns around, only to have his lights knocked out.) Oww!
Sydney: Get�s �em every time!
R.B.G.#3: (taps Sydney on the shoulder.) Hey!
Sydney: Hmm? (turns around, only to have her lights knocked out too.) Oww!
R.B.G.#3: Wow, that works really well!
Hassan: It�s not a bad deal you�re offering, but I don�t trust you yet.
Jack: You can believe me! I have an honest face! Look! (puts on his most charming smile)
Hassan: Okay, then prove your disloyalty to SD-6� (slaps a pistol in his hand) �by killing this SD-6 agent. (Sydney is brought into the room and thrown on the ground)
Jack: Uh-oh. Ahhh� can I have some time to think about this? A week maybe?
Hassan: I will give you six days and 23 hours, but no more. And I�m only doing this to keep the audience in suspense.