| Letters (part 1) By Swirly Head |
| Disclaimer: None of the characters relating to "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" belong to me or Swirly Head. They belong to Joss, Fox, the WB, Mutant Enemy, and probably a bunch of other people. But c'mon... how could you sue somebody with a cute name like Swirly Head, you heartless dogs... Archive- Email Swirly first. Feedback- If you can't give me feedback, give it to the prodigy known as Swirly Head. ******************* Buffy, I�m leaving now. I know you hate me, you�ve made that clear from the start. I suppose it was stupid of me to think that anything could change. I don�t have anything else to say to you. I�m moving to LA, thought I might try and stir up some trouble there for the Dark Hair Product Avenger. You know who I mean. William ***** To Angel, This is a warning. Spike is coming to pay you a visit. If you want to know why I don�t just phone you, it�s because it�s easier to write than talk. You�ll understand. I hope everything�s going okay, and that Cordelia and Wesley are working hard...I can�t believe I just used the words Cordelia and working hard in the same sentence! About Spike�he can�t hurt humans, so don�t kill him. Buffy ***** To the love of my life, I will mince with my words in this letter...I will never get to the point and dance around the subject of our forbidden love. Spike is safely here in LA�he brings with him *sob* memories of our ill-fated romance. I am having trouble with Drusilla and Darla�whilst I feared Spike may join their side he HASN�T�he has HELPED OUT. I have fallen out with Wesley, Cordelia and my new associate Gunn. Wesley borrowed my mousse without asking�and that was the final straw. I have locked myself in my room. I long to see you again, Angel *look at my stupid girly fantasy name* ***** Spike I am really mad at you, if I was there I swear I�d have beat you up. That letter was private and it was addressed to Angel, not you. Still, I suppose the fact that you opened his mail and sent a reply shows that he hasn�t staked you. I guess this is the last time I�ll ever speak to you. Good luck. Buffy P.S. You�re wrong. I don�t hate you. You�re way too pathetic. ***** Slayer, Drusilla is dead. Darla�s still on the loose. Spike ***** Spike, I heard about Drusilla from Wesley. He rang Giles about it. I don�t know why you wrote to tell me, but�I�m sorry. Buffy ***** Slyr, all this is YOUR fault, you stupid bitch if dru din�t see you laughin� all round my head in brasil, she would STILL be alive and with me i�m so bloody unhappy and it�s ALL YOUR FAULT Spike the poor bastard you screwed up ***** Spike, That�s my first hate mail. You sure know how to make a girl feel special�I assume you were drunk when you wrote it as it didn�t make ANY sense at all. I never went to Brazil, and I�ve never laughed around your head. I haven�t even laughed at your head. Trust me, it isn�t even remotely funny. I also don�t get why you blame me. Buffy ***** Slayer, I was drunk. And forget it. Just forget it. I�ve stopped helping Angel and his Fang Gang, in fact I�m thinking about moving back to England. It�d be nice to get away from here�nice to hear people speaking proper, watch the footie, catch up on better times with me mates...oh yeah. The chip isn�t exactly going to make me very popular, is it? It�s not fair. I don�t have anyone any more. And no-one wants me. No-one likes me best. Maybe I�d be doing everyone a favour if I just went and sat outside until the sun came up. Spike ***** Spike, DON�T KILL YOURSELF. I rang up Angel and sent him after you, because this letter won�t get there for a while. You�re wrong. Harmony likes you better than anyone else...she wants you�and although that�s a very depressing fact, I hope it cheers you up. I�m not even going to try and explain to myself why I stopped you from getting an extra crispy tan. Maybe it�s because I feel a little responsible. Look, I haven�t mentioned this before, but�when you told me that you loved me, I think you knew I wasn�t suddenly going to fall into your arms. There�s one thing I want to know. Why did you tell me? Buffy ***** Slayer, I was drunk. Spike ***** Spike, Fine. You aren�t going to tell me, and I respect that. But at least tell me this�what�s your natural hair colour? Buffy ***** Slayer, Now you�re the one who�s drunk. Spike P.S. Blondey-Browny. ***** Spike, I wasn�t drunk, I just wanted to know. In case you ever decide to drop the whole punk look, and I have to spot you in a crowd. To kill you, naturally. This...isn�t a good time�in my life. It�s all cracking up�the others know about Dawn, and I want you to pass this on to Angel and the rest. Dawn isn�t human. Well, she is human now, but she didn�t used to be. She was a being of pure energy�the Key. Glory wants her. It�s just so strange...I have all these memories of her being my sister�and none of them are real� What do you remember? Buffy P.S. Just in case you forget, I still hate you. ***** Slayer, This is going to make me sound like a real wanker�but if it helps you� I remember that the first time I saw Dawn was the first time I fought you. She was screaming and I thought it was funny. But I didn�t really concentrate on her, she was just background noise. All I could see was you. That was a long time ago, wasn�t it, pet? Seem to remember I nearly killed you�wish I had. Would�ve saved a whole lot of trouble for me later on. I don�t think we should write to each other anymore. I�m starting to sound like the Great White Poof himself. Spike ***** Spike, Fine by me. This is the last letter coming your way. I�m glad, because your handwriting�s muchos crappos, and it hurts my eyes when I try and read it. Buffy P.S. It was a long time ago. And it was the only time I was actually scared of you. ***** Slayer, That�s a lie! There must have been other times�I�m terrifying! I strike fear into the hearts of grown men! Spike ***** Spike, Reasons why you are SO not scary - 1) You look like an average human, most of the time. Apart from the whole hair color thing. 2) You quip while you fight�not terrifying quips. 3) I can totally kick your butt�blindfolded. Buffy ***** Slayer, Reasons why your reasons are WRONG - 1) I used to drive railroad spikes through people�s heads. 2) I can say disturbing things when I feel like it. 3) I smoke. Spike P.S. You can�t spell colour. It�s got a �u�, idiot. ***** Spike, Oooooh, the scary vampire and his spelling classes. Anyway, I have found the ultimate reason why you aren�t scary! I went and did my research like a good little girl. I found out two very important things. One, that when you told my you were always bad, you lied. Two�you used to be a poet! A bad poet! Now it�s official. I will never be scared of you ever again. Buffy ***** Slayer, Your eyes are like tea bags, Your hair smells like urine Your fingers like old fags Every night you keep snoring. I think that your nose Is an unsightly blob. I think that your toes Resemble a frog�s. Your teeth have turned yellow, Your legs are all stringy Your voice is a bellow, We all cringe when you sing-ey. You aren�t�effulgent. Spike ***** Spike, I take back completely what I said about how you used to be a bad poet. You still are a bad poet. And what kind of word is effulgent? You know these letters are actually educational�first off you�ve got me doing Slayer study about you, now I�m gonna have to search through the dictionary�. I�m glad you sent me that poem. It made me laugh�something that doesn�t happen very much now. I think it�s all going to come to a head real soon. Glory seems to be stepping up the campaign. If she had a slogan, it�d be �Kill Kill Kill�. You and her would get on well. This is easier to write than say�I�m scared and I�m worried. There! I wrote it. And it�s the truth. I have to be strong all the time now, for everybody, and it�s really hard. What if I�m not good enough? What if she kills me? I can�t show what I�m really thinking or feeling...if Riley was here then maybe he could help, but he�s gone and� You really don�t want to hear me talk about Riley. I�m treating this letter like a diary entry! Just screw it up and ignore it. Remind me why I�m writing to you again? Buffy ***** Buffy, Please don�t get mad, but Spike showed me your last letter to him. I just want you to know that if you want me to come down there and help out, I always will. And I think you�re probably writing to Spike because he�s a break from your everyday life. Just an idea. By the way, effulgent means radiant, resplendent, dazzling, bright�everything that you are. Angel ***** Angel, Thanks for the offer, but from what I hear, you�ve got your own problems�for example Darla. Don�t worry about me, really. I�ll be fine. Thanks for the vocabulary update. Buffy ***** Slayer, You haven�t written for a while. Thought you might be dead, then I realised it was my turn. To answer your questions, you are good enough and the stupid bitch won�t kill you. You�re writing to me because I�m witty and dare devilishly handsome. Now answer my questions. What do you write in your diary? Anything about me? Spike ***** Spike, That question is way too personal. I refuse to answer it. And as for effulgent? I looked it up. If I�m not effulgent, then you�re not vexatious. Touch�, ma�definitely not cher. In more ways than one. Buffy ***** Spike, Hi...this is Dawn. I just read that letter you sent to Buffy�so as a little sister, I decided it was my job to answer your questions. 1) What does Buffy write in her diary? Way boring stuff. It�s either really soppy or about stupid slaying etc. she sticks in pictures as well. There�s one of Angel that she ripped up then stuck back together again, which tells you a lot about her mental health. Definitely unstable. 2) Does she write about you? Yep, you�re in there. There�s a picture of you on the page that she�s cut out from some book and stuck on the page where she says about how she first met you�don�t get flattered Blondie. She�s done it for most of the evil things that stuck around long enough. I�ve copied out a few select passages� �There�s a new vampire in town. He calls himself Spike�of all the stupid names�and then he called me a �cutie��which was kind of a compliment, but he made it sound like�I don�t know. Anyway, he�s kinda cute, but definitely grossly evil and way annoying. It�s hate at first sight. Angel was so sweet about it�� Blah blah blah about Angel. Here�s the next good bit. �Spike is back here again! Once, twice three times a loser�he�s currently unable to bite anyone�god, I thought I�d die laughing! Tied up in Giles� bathtub, drinking blood through a Mickey Mouse straw�� And more� �S is so shallow. He actually thought that him not drinking from half dead injured people would win him credit! Why he'd want credit, I have no idea. Also, his roots are showing. Not very much, about a half an inch.� Talk about shallow�finally�and this was news to me� �Oh my god, he�s in love with me. He just kinda blurted it out. And I froze�I didn�t know what to do for a minute. Then I�laughed. I couldn�t believe it, and then I got really angry and I told him to leave, to stop messing around with me. He left, and he hasn�t come back yet. Every other time I told him to go, he�s come back. S is like some kind of evil boomerang�I guess now he�s a broken boomerang.� Hope that answered all your questions. Luv Dawn Conclusion of "Letters" Main Menu ~ Return to the Other Worlds Menu |