Technical Support
Here's a couple of amusing tech support situations. The first is purportedly true, while the second is clearly fiction (though not far from the truth).
This is a true story from the Wordperfect Helpline (apparently during the DOS days as there is a reference to a C:/ prompt) which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the HelpDesk employee was fired but apparently sued the Wordperfect organization for “Termination without Cause”.
Ridge Hall computer assistance. May I help you?
Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.
What sort of trouble?
Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
Went away?
They disappeared.
Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
Nothing.
Nothing?
It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.
Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
How do I tell?
Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?
What's a sea-prompt?
Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?
There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.
Does your monitor have a power indicator?
What's a monitor?
It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?
I don't know.
Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?
Yes, I think so.
Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Yes, it is.
When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?
No.
Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
Okay, here it is.
Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.
I can't reach.
Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?
No.
Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?
Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.
Dark?
Yes. The office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Well, turn on the office light then.
I can't.
Why not?
Because there's a power failure.
A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?
Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
Really? Is it that bad?
Yes, I'm afraid it is.
Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
Tell them you're too ****ing stupid to own a computer.
A message e-mailed to technical support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as PokerNight 10.3, DrunkenBoysNight 2.5 and SaturdayFootball 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 running in the background while attempting to run some of my
favorite applications. I am thinking of going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but the un-install does not work on this program.
Can you help me, please!!! Thanks.
The following response came back the next day.
This is a very common problem users complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception of the product Wife 1.0. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0
with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a Utilities & Entertainment product. It is NOT! Wife 1.0 is a full fledged Operating System and is designed by its creator to run everything.
It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0.
Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 and nothing would be gained. It is unfortunatly impossible to un-install, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed. Some have tried to install Grilfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but ended up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings - Alimony Child Support" for details.
I personally recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. I have Wife 1.0 installed myself and I found it very usefull to read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case, avoid excessive use of the ESC key because ultimatly you will have to give the C:\APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run more smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but with very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. The recommended and inexpensive classics are Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 15.0, but there are many others available. The latest but more expensive VacationCruise 1.0 and DiamondRing 3.0 are the best ones.
Do not, under any circumstances, install SecretaryShortSkirt 3.3. This is not a supported
application for Wife 1.0 and could expose your system to potential virus threats, thereby causing irreversible damage to the operating system and to the hardware itself.
Best of luck.
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