FAVORITES:

-Stuff your face with a delicious assortment of candy. Continue stuffing until the point where you are about to vomit. Then, decoratively cover your entire body with a colorful arrangement of paper mache'. Finally, suspend yourself upside down in the middle of a Mexican themed birthday party. As you are gradually beaten to death barf up oodles of partially digested candy all over the birthday boy.

-Using slight of hand and illusion, build up a reputation for being able to catch bullets in your teeth, while in reality you have no such talent. Then once you have a large enough audience, both live in person and on television, get someone to shoot a real bullet at your face.

-Just hold your breath until you die.

-Go out to a restaurant and order soup...sever your leg above the knee, careful to hit your main artery and vein and ensure death. Put your severed leg in the soup, and complain to the waiter that there is a severed leg in your soup.

-Go skydiving, and instead of wearing a parachute wear a regular backpack with a giant vibrator and some lube in it. Then when you open the pack mid-dive and take out the dildo look at your fellow skydivers and be like, "it's not mine, I swear. Oh man this is embarassing".

-Call two rival hospitals for ambulances, shoot yourself in the stomach, and when they both arrive at the same time say, "Oh, now this is awkward".

-Enter a demolition derby. Instead of driving a car, just run around the demolition ring without any protective gear.

-Attempt to eat a live bull until it kills you.

-Flex your muscles so hard that your skin stretches off.

-Pretend to be a paraplegic and make a big fuss about completing the NY marathon in your wheelchair. This always draws great press and great publicity. After rolling 4 feet, while everyone is still cheering you on, scream "Fuck this, it's too hard! I can't do it!" and shoot yourself in the face.

-Get plastic surgery took look exactly like one of the world's most loved people (for example, Oprah Winfrey). Then get into a deathfight with that person. When the cops, or anyone, try to end the fight by pointing a gun at you trick them into thinking that YOU are actually that person. After they kill that person, laugh evilly and tell them their mistake, and then shoot yourself in the face.

-Surgically remove your liver, both kidneys, spleen, lungs, stomach, and heart, then scream, "Organ fight!" and start chucking your vital organs at people.

-Construct a brightly-colored, human-sized jack-in-the-box. When it's finished, shove the jagged end of the spring into your neck and up towards your skull. As you begin bleeding to death, simultaneously sever your head and slam the box lid down. Leave a large colorful sign with balloon letters saying "Try me!" and an arrow pointing towards the crank's handle.

-Try to bodysurf a tidal wave.

-Get a watermelon and put it in the toilet bowl. Pull down your pants, insert a lit m-40 into your ass, and sit down. Upon discovery of your body it will look like you died crapping out a watermelon.

-Turn to your friend and be like, "Hey can you hold this for a second?" When he asks what you're talking about sever your arms and legs and hand them to him (with your mouth, obviously).

-Play Russian roulette with a fully loaded pistol.

-Throw on a pair of swim trunks, a pair of flippers, some inflatable swimmies, a pair of goggles, and a snorkel, then dive into a mulcher.

-Using science, open a wormhole in the space-time continuum. Go back in time AND into the future, rounding up as many of your past and future selves as you can. Then you and all your selves fight to the death.

-Build up a personal arsenal and/or weapons cache and invade Canada by yourself. After you easily take over Canada, shoot yourself in the head.

THE REST:

-Cover your entire body with antiperspirant (not just plain "deodorant"), clogging all of your pores and suffocating yourself.

-Get an old school Zack Morris style cell phone and make that your ONLY phone. Develop a brain tumor from using it too much, and eventually die.

-Frame an innocent man for some type of heinous crime (murder, grand larceny, anything that the FBI would be called in on). Then engage the innocent man in a death fight on top of a cliff as the FBI closes in. When you topple off, each grabbing the top of the cliff with one hand, doubtless an agent will grab the both of you. When he realizes he can only save one, play the good guy role and convince him to drop the "guilty" man. Then, after the innocent man drops to his death, scream, "You idiot! It was me all along!" and let go of his hand, cackling with evil glee as you plummet to meet your maker.

-Find the biggest klan meeting you can, and attend wearing "I heart minorities" gear.

-After unsuccessfully managing to find a dental dam, tie a plastic bag around your head. Suffocate while performing oral.

-Swallow a bomb, then be like, "That's right I'm da bomb yo."

-Have unprotected sex with Pam Anderson, contracting Hepatitis C and significantly shortening your life span.

-Slice yourself open, and using a Sharpie marker draw an angry face [ >:O ] on your stomach (the actual organ, not just on your belly). Then go to the emergency room and ask for some ginger ale to settle your upset stomach. When they attempt to examine you whip out your stomach and yell, "What you think I'm a fucking liar? LOOK, it's upset! Now give me some ginger ale!!"

-Just jump as high as you can, and assume that you will burn up in the earth’s atmosphere on the way down.

-Work out like crazy until your are insanely buff. While maintaining your best double-bicep pose, bury yourself in molten rock. Assume that the magma will eventually cool and harden leaving a perfect mold of your awesome physique. 100,000 years from now (when your fossil is discovered) single-handedly redefine the future view that the human race was scrawny and UnSchwarzeneggerian, allowing yourself to be worshipped as a god by Earth's future alien inhabitants.

-Find a nice average sized puddle and stick your face in it. Start screaming, "I can't swim," until you eventually drown.

-Take a deadly dosage of sleeping pills. Get naked, and attempt to give yourself a hummer. Rest easy knowing that your dead body will be found in this precarious position.

-Go skydiving. Instead of a parachute pack a 200 pound Anvil on a string tied to your backpack. Upon releasing your "chute", slowly float towards the ground for a few seconds until you realize your parachute is actually an anvil. Then pause for a second in midair, start screaming, and plummet to your doom.

-Spend several years establishing yourself as the world’s greatest escape artist. Then, put on one of those Chinese finger traps and sit in the corner of your bathroom until you starve to death. Anticipate yourself being found a week later, Chinese finger trap still intact.

-Take a bunch of lowly scrubs, and coach them into a super bowl winning group of football champions. Moments before your team scores the winning touchdown switch the water cooler with one that is entirely filled with pure lye. Sit in anticipation of having a water cooler full of deadly acid triumphantly poured upon your head.

-Keep a scorching hot iron next to your phone. Wait until you get a phone call, when you do, pick up the iron and scorch your face. Continue burning your face until you die while repeatedly shouting, "Hello! Hello! Who is this?!"

-Grow your hair down to your ass and tuck it in your pants. Drive your car, accelerating up to 80 mph before sticking your head out the window and allowing a telephone pole, mailbox, or other object to decapitate you. Die well knowing that someone is going to find your head still following your body around thanks to the hair tucked into your pants. (Shout out to Maxim, holla!)

-Organize a frockey tournament, only instead of using a frisbee use Chinese throwing stars. Play as many tournament games as you can before dying.

-Invite a bunch of friends over one evening. Once it's dark out, turn the power off in your house. Say, "don't worry, I have a candle", and ignite a stick of dynamite. When someone points out that you're holding dynamite, not a candle, gulp as loudly as you can before you explode.

-Go to a Tony Robbins book signing. Get eaten by Tony Robbins. (thanks to Pea Tear Griffin for that one.)

-Insert a timed mine into a football, and ask a friend to play catch. Go out for a long pass. If you survive the explosion long enough to speak, yell "Holy shit man, you have a ROCKET for an arm!"

-Carefully traverse a huge minefield, moving one inch at a time. After you successfully make it to the other side remember that you forgot something and start carelessly sprinting back.

-Shave your entire body, grease up, and spend 48 hours in a tanning booth.

-Construct a giant BBQ in your back yard. Season yourself up, cover yourself up in barbecue sauce, skewer yourself, and turn on the automatic spit. Slowly roast yourself, basting yourself in sauce ever 30 minutes.

-Draw a bull’s eye on the back of all your shirts. Then, every time you get shot, call your assassin a coward for shooting you in the back.

-Eat a bunch of bananas. Leave the peels all over a flight of stairs. Then, ask Nate to give you a lift down the stairs. If the inevitable fall dosen't kill you, when you get to the bottom tell Nate he isn't buff. This will undoubtedly throw Nate into a ‘roid rage that can only end in your death.

-Buy a bunch of those tiny sponges that expand into giant dinosaur sponges when they get wet. Eat them. Then, drink a glass of water causing your stomach to explode.

-Light yourself on fire, then go up to someone and be like, "I'm parched. Can I have a sip of your water?"

-Dress up like Cupid (wear nothing but a diaper and a pair of angel wings). Then, every time you see someone shoot yourself with a real arrow and give them a loving hug.

-Perform open-heart surgery on yourself. Tie a string to your heart, suture the incision, and tie the other end of the string to a doorknob. Violently slam the door.

-Light yourself on fire, then grab a cigarette and walk around asking people for a light.

-Sprint at full speed, as fast as you can, until you die.

-Carefully remove the top of your skull. Crap. Put the crap on your head, and in a joyful manner tell anyone you can find, "Well, my dad always said I had shit for brains! Yuk yuk yuk". Tell this hilarious joke to as many people as you can before you die.

-Get a wheelbarrow. Disembowel yourself, allowing your intestines to spill into the barrow. Then go into a drug store and say, "excuse me I think I'm having indigestion. Where are the tums?".

-Using a sewing needle, prick your finger. Prevent the wound from ever clotting and continue to squeeze blood out of it until you die.

-Grow a huge beard and dress in ragged, worn out filthy mountain climbing clothes. Then go to a high-traffic (both automotive and pedestrian) area and pretend you're starving and stuck in a freezing cold, icy, high mountain pass. Cannibalize yourself, all the time raving that eating humans is the only way to survive.

-Dramatically pretend to drop dead, just stay there until you actually die.

-Light yourself on fire, find some people smoking cigarettes outside of a building. Grab there smokes, rip them up, and yell, "What are you people, crazy? Don't you know these things can kill you?"

-Find some state game land. During hunting season, put on a pair of fake antlers and start sprinting around like crazy until a hunter shoots you. Assuming the bullet doesn't kill you right away, wait for the hunter to come over, and when he realizes he just shot some guy in a deer costume be like, "What the fuck man? What did I ever do to you? I was just having some fun, playing, not bothering anyone. What did I do to deserve this?"

-Dissect yourself as completely as you can before dying. If you can manage to do it in front of other people, act extremely scientifically fascinated every step of the way.

-Dress in a brightly colored track outfit, complete with embarrassingly tiny shorts and head/wristbands. Sever one of your legs above the knee, and proceed to challenge as many people as you can find to a race, berating them and telling them how you'll kick there ass. Once someone (or several people) races you and you lose, continue demanding rematches until you die.

-Have the world's most arrogant archer try to shoot an apple off your head. When he shoots jump up and take the arrow in the face.

-Have a friend stand across the room with an apple on his head. Shoot yourself in the face with a bow and arrow. Tell your friend you missed

-Strip completely naked, attempt to climb Mt. Everest. Assuming that you will freeze to death before reaching the summit, prepare a suicide note that explains in detail the process of shrinkage.

-Surgically remove 95% of your own muscle tissue. Then, carrying all your muscle in a sack, go to the Planet in Hoboken. Find some lucky lady, approach her and be like, "Hey Baby, You like muscles?"

-Stab yourself in the heart, then pull out the knife, hide it, and replace it with a banana. Dramatically walk into a crowded area screaming that you've been stabbed, then fall to your knees and die.

-Become a NASA pilot. After flying a multi-billion dollar space shuttle into outer space, drop your crew off at the international space station. Instead of returning to earth, radio to NASA, fly as far away from the earth as possible. Leaving the shuttle on full thrust, radio to NASA, "Houston, you just got punked", and jump out, leaving the world's most expensive piece of space junk propelling away from the earth at high speed.

-Shoot yourself in the stomach. Run your face through a deli slicer. Then, before you die, walk up to any random person and be like, "Dude your so nasty, look at you. I didn't know any one person could look so disgusting. How do you live with yourself?"

-Randomly take a bottle of Clorox bleach out of your fridge. Chug it. When everyone asks what the hell you are doing, look down at the empty bottle and in your cutest voice yell, "Whoopsie". Then start cracking up until you die.

-Go to the beach and pretend to drown. Have a team of lifeguards drag you to the safety. Once the crowd, which inevitably forms, begins to congratulate your life-guards on a job well done shoot yourself.

-Buy several extremely large plots of land in remote areas (preferably on several different continents) that measure at least several hundred thousand acres and are free of human inhabitants or houses. Then kill yourself, and in your suicide note mention that your entire fortune of $30 million is buried somewhere on one of those plots of land. Leave just enough fake clues to ensure that people will forever be trying to find it.

-Saw yourself in half, then apply for a job as a magicians assistant. Explain that you are only available for temporary employment.

-Hammer a beach umbrella into your skull, then go to the movies. When the person behind complains that he can't see the movie turn around and in a demeaning voice say, "Oh you poor baby, at least you don't have a beach umbrella stuck in your head".

-Impale yourself with a javelin, then refusing all help spend the last hour of your life trying to figure out how to get yourself to fit through the revolving door at the hospital.

-Buy a huge sword and run yourself through on it. Then, with the sword still sticking out of your chest/belly walk around putting up "Lost Sword" posters with a picture of your sword on them, and asking people if they've seen your sword anywhere. If you have time before you bleed to death go to the police station and file a missing sword report.

-Set yourself on fire, then go into an emergency room. However, instead of getting treatment insist that everyone there with minor injuries is more important than you, and do what you can to help, finally ironically dying in a hospital without having received treatment.

-Order yourself some nachos bell grande, light yourself on fire, then complain that you asked for the mild sauce.

-Tie a noose out of your own penis, and use it to hang yourself. Then, leave a suicide note that reads, "I'm hung well AND well hung, bitch."

-Seek out TV's Webster, or any other hot tempered dwarf. Using your masterful taunting skills poke fun at your said dwarf until he decides to kick your ass. Don't make any attempt to fight back. Once he gets tired or starts slowing down raise your taunting to level two. Repeat and raise taunting to level three, four, etc. It may take a couple of weeks but continue until you are beaten to death by a dwarf.

-Harass Mike Tyson until he kills you (you probably only have to harass him once).

-Grind glass into tiny pieces to be consumed each meal, slowly destroying your innards over a period of months, eventually killing you.

-Legitimately borrow one of those specialty built high end multi-million dollar submarines with the capability to withstand ocean pressure at depths of several miles, under the guise of doing a research project. Using the submarine, submerge yourself in the deepest part of the ocean you can find (i.e. the Mariana Trench). Depressurize the sub, splattering yourself all over it for some schmuck to clean up.

-Start a fight with god.

-Over the course of an hour, grow so much facial hair that it suffocates you.

-Drop a grand piano on your head, repeat if needed.

-Using science, manufacture your own strain of ricin, a deadly poison. Then contaminate yourself.

-Stab yourself to death with your own erect penis.

-Eat nothing but bacon until you die.

-Invite all your friends to a ridiculously expensive restaurant, insist that no one holds back and everyone orders whatever they want. Then when the bill comes shoot yourself in the head.

-Go on a grand theft auto style rampage, stealing cars, weapons, etc. and killing people until your wanted level goes up to 6 stars and the army or the FBI takes you out.

-Stand at the bottom of the empire state building and get someone to drop a fistful of quarters on you.

-Stab yourself enough times to bleed to death, and then walk around starting fistfights with other people, calling them pussies if they refuse to fight a dying, bleeding man.

-Stomach-pump and rally (drink beer until you need to have your stomach pumped, then continue drinking), repeat if necessary.

-As soon as you decide to kill your self, just explode.

-Pay a ninja to hunt you down and kill you using his uncanny stealth and brutal skill.

-Light yourself on fire, walk into to a crowded room, and be like, "Is it hot in here, or is it just me."

-Stage a one man white power rally at any black history month event. But instead of fighting back when you get attacked just keep rallying for the cause of white power until you're beaten and/or trampled to death.

-Beat yourself to death with your own bare hands.

-Buy a motorcycle, floor it to top speed, then slam on the front wheel brake. Continue this activity until you die.

-Stab yourself in the stomach with a hockey stick, power walk 30 miles to an emergency room, undergo 18 hours of extensive surgery, and just as you begin to recover stab yourself in the back of the head with a letter opener.

-Chop both of your legs off at the knee and begin the process of slowly bleeding to death. Walk on your two bloody stumps to the L.A. area and try out for Jeopardy. Then, every time you get asked a question buzz in and scream, "I don’t know, I'm STUMPED"

-Run over your face off with a lawnmower. Stumble to the convenience store in a bloody stupor. Then when the clerk asks if he could help you be like, "Yeah, can you show me where you keep the Band-aids?"

RETARDED:

-Buy a leather Muscle-Tee size XXX-small. Work out in the rain and then blow dry your muscle-tee. The combination of muscle expansion and leather shrinkage will tighten your already ridiculously tight shirt. Hit on as many chicks as possible while your extremely tight shirt gradually cuts off all blood circulation to your brain.

-Overdose on heroin.

-Hit on WWE's Chyna.

-Drive up next to someone doing 80mph, set your cruise control, climb into the back seat, roll down your window, and ask if he could recommend a good mechanic.

-Host several hundred blood sucking leeches. Insist that every one is your pet. Give each one a name, and spend the last moments of your life monogramming doggy bowls for them.

-Sever your arm at the shoulder, but conceal the wound. Challenge a puny wimp to an arm wrestling contest. After he rips your arm off be like, "good match, man" and wag your bloody stump at him in an attempt to shake his hand.

-Fall backwards in your chair. While laying on the floor laugh hysterically until you die.

© 2004 Rabbi McMario Productions ♂