"Unspoken"

5/6/03

I can keep beating myself over the head with it until I think it's OK...but still it's not. I know within my heart something still remains unspoken, something that is intended not to harm my feelings. Something that might be the very death of me...something I've dreaded for so long-the loss of my greatest love of all time. The only person I could call 'the one' for me...the one I've searched my long life for; some would even deem him my 'soul mate'...something I used to believe the truest nature of pure love.

I can't help but wonder...what's going on in his mind at this moment? What is it that is bothering him so...? Is it something I did? Or said? Or I didn't do or say? Or is it completely unrelated to me, or our relationship? A deep breath of a sigh exits my lips. Whatever it is...I wish I knew now, whether or not it will hurt my feelings. Whether or not it is something he doesn't wish to share. Had he done something to injure our relationship, and not said anything? No! Never...!

Was it an ex-girlfriend bugging him, hitting on him, and insisting for his hand back? A pause for a moment as chuckles bubble from my mouth. Oh, wait...I'm an ex-girlfriend also...Unless you get technical. We never went out in the first place. But we did break up...a questioning 'hmm'...spoken with pursed lips but felt reverberating in my mouth. Something was wrong, something was bothering him, and it will drive me absolutely insane to the ends of the world until I find out...but every waking moment I attempt to ask him what is the matter, he evades me.

Even the slightest touch bothers him. My eyebrows furrow slightly and a tear is beginning to well in my right duct. Is it so much to ask...just to be in his arms again...just to hold him as he tells me what is the matter...? Is it too much to just kiss away his pains...? His eyes grow cold, his gaze distant and hollow...like he's off in a completely different world. Ignoring me...like he doesn't acknowledge my existence at all...A sharp pang tears its way to my heart as I look into his eyes. Usually the smiling lines in the corners would gladly welcome my touch...Somehow, I always feel that there's something deeper, that he's just scratching the surface of what is the problem. It's not really his mother's death that is bothering him...(it's been a whole year) And yet my mind cannot reach its capability to reach into his thoughts. The very conception of that was perverted. Never would I intrude on his personal matters...unless it would mean life or death. I keep trying to give him space...a futile attempt since I practically have grown attached to him like lichen on a rock. Who's he hiding from...himself...or me?

Guilt...? The thought crossed my mind a few times. Perhaps he feels guilty again. For what? What we did was out of pure love. And it was a mutual agreement. Obviously if I had any qualms against it, I would have said so. What we did...was beautiful and right, we stopped when we knew it would go too far. I did it because I love him so. Why should he feel guilty? He isn't responsible for the act...My breath becomes a deep sigh. As the thought crosses my mind, my face twists into a pained expression. We haven't done anything for over a month...if it was bothering him before, he would have said something before his brother came back to town.

Finally I can't take any more. My eyes burned with anxiety, as I'd pushed the tears back for hours. My temples throbbed, my blood became hot and suddenly the tears began trailing downhill towards my cheekbones. The hot salty tears stung, but were a relief finally to my aching head. Finally some sleep would come. After all this worrying...my eyes became heavy and I could feel the blackness caving in, and my mind heeding to the Novocain of nightfall in my subconscious. But the pain doesn't end there...the dreams continue their melancholic drivel, pursuing me to the ends of the earth with their images of torture and misery...