"Silent Torture"

6/19/03

The dreams...oh the agony, the pain I keep feeling, that I cannot escape in the waking world, much less the dreaming one...Concern. Hurt. Watching the dreams course through...Visions of you, through your life, living out your hopes and dreams, and then having your life shattered...over and over...or getting physically harmed after a fight. Or you dying....All the dreams bring is more pain to me...make me question whether you are all right or not. Sometimes I even wonder if you acknowledge my existence or know that I care. Well let me tell you, I do! More than you think. More than you would know....I care for you still. I miss you, and I'm eternally concerned for your well-being. Each day that passed by, I never have stopped thinking about you. Even after you asked me to move on, I haven't...I may be getting through every day, trudging through this loneliness, and trying to be happy...but it's hard when your world comes crashing down on you in 3 days...I've put everything to the side...pretending that I don't miss you, putting on a face, a facade that I don't need you... not as a lover, but as a friend and brother....I keep trying to pretend that I'm over you, but the truth is...I never will be. I will always love you, with every fiber of my being. You, my parents, the whole world, cannot convince me otherwise. And the reason why I keep thinking of you is these torturous dreams that pervade my soul, torment me at night and during the day. I'm constantly wondering if you are OK, if you've found the love that you've been searching for so long...or if you've done well in your battles in body and soul. I'm not angry...not at all...I'm just fighting serious depression...I'm not letting the darkness get to me, nor will I ever. I want to keep proving to you that I am a good person, that I am a being of light...and that I can still live my life, with or without vampiric influences. I have to say you were wrong on that one thing...I AM and always will be, LIGHT! I will keep fighting til my dying day...I'll fight this creature within me. And I'll fight the darkness that keeps trying to consume my soul. But without love, and without you by my side as a brother and confidant, I'm alone...terrified out of my wits trying to do this...I can't do it alone. Love is the only thing that ties me to the ground, keeps me from this desperate and depressing state of mind.

How can I deny my heart? All it has ever told me was to follow you. Whether it be in love or just as a friend, I feel I was meant to be there with you, along your side, keeping you up and fighting. Your stronghold and your touchstone...But all of that has changed now, hasn't it? I'm alone in this cold world...with not a hope or a dream to follow...at least in the likes of love. Sure there's school...sure there's others to meet, but I am not interested, because my heart isn't in it...Every night, I hear you silently crying, with some quiet torture weighed upon your mind. Of what, I have not the nearest clue. But I feel the pain in your soul...and it tears me apart. Not only can I not bear the pain of being alone...but having you suffer and feeling it...it is too much to take. Or perhaps I just imagine it all? Maybe you have a good life, and you have found your significant other for the time being, having her with you brings you joy...That's what I wish for you. Something I cannot have at this moment, happiness....I have work, I have school...I have what meager amounts you can call 'friends' ...a whole two that know everything about me, care for me like sisters...but they are not you...they cannot lift me up like your love did...that's what eats at me every day...I'll always have people's compassion, friendship...but never their love...nobody can accept me for the creature I am...obviously not you either. I was hoping otherwise. I was hoping that one person, just one...would be able to see through everything I am...see into the truest part of my heart, and you DID! You were my salvation from the darkness. You lifted me up. It was through your love that I got so far in life...But you deny me, because of my nature...you deny me because I still have filth clinging to me, like a dirty rag. That filth being the darkened nature they call Kyn...I wish you could see...that there IS still good in me, and I will continue fighting this...thing...within me. Even if it kills me.

I can't help but think, why bother? I have nothing. I lost it all in the past month. A friend. A lover. A brother. Everything I had put my heart and soul into last year, with my hopes and dreams of getting married in the Temple....all got flushed down the toilet......why bother? I have nothing to live for. Life is no fun whatsoever. I have no life. Nothing in this town holds any treasure for me. I've gained more pain and anger from here than anywhere...I can't see how it is good for me to stay here, or even in this existence for fuck's sake...I don't know what to do or where to go. Sure I've got a plan for college, but who's to say I'm going to live that long? My body is decaying, either from lack of food...or the lack of blood. I can't eat. I can't sleep. All I do is drink (dew lol not alcohol) and pray to God that I live through another day's 8-hr. Hell at work. Everyone notices...I look like something out of a horror movie. I feel so dead inside, so very cold....not emotionless, just.....tired of being hurt, a callous has grown upon my heart. I'm shielded...blind and barricaded from feeling until someone else comes along to break down my barriers again...I don't see it happening. Nobody can love me for everything I am, the vampire blood within me, the terrible creature that eats away at my soul....or the obese body I hold. Why would anyone love this...thing? I'm horrid. Abhorrent. Something even the very face of Gaia fears and shuns. I'm not dark....I'm just....different. Why can't people accept me for that very fact? I'm different...I'm not some ruthless bloodsucking fiend that tears through people's throats. If anything I have turned against everything dark....all for what? You? No, I did it for me, you encouraged me through it all....and now you turn your back on me when I need you the most? I can't deal with that....the sadomasochistic part of me bent so far backward I broke in half......I let go of everything, because I felt I'd already lost. I lost everything when I lost you....But I've hardened myself a bit...become stronger, ready and willing to face the world somewhat. Not prepared to move on, not now...it's too early yet. But maybe some day...Maybe someday when this pain stops wrenching at my heart and when the tears finally stop falling at night. Nobody will ever replace you.....ever.....There isn't another you, there never will be....and nobody is willing to take a step forward and lend a hand in my time of need. So why should I make an effort to start anew? There are so few people left that even had some hold on my heart...all have either gone on missions, preparing to go, or married off, or in college somewhere way out of state or town. I don't care....I can't risk letting someone get close to me again, not until I heal......and not until I find someone who will accept me for everything I am..........inside and out........and those occurrences are rare....few and far-between. I'm not giving up........I'm just holding off...................until either this pain goes away (it never will.......it will haunt me til my very dying day.....or until I can have what I can't..........neither are coming soon) Or until I die.........

In my opinion, death is the only way out of this shit. I can't stand it any longer. The pain......is unbearable.....and every day, it worsens, either one way or another, I'm being silently tortured, by my own mind......by the mistakes and sins of the past.....by the tumultuous dreams I keep having of you.....by the feelings and emotions unconnected, unrelated, and.........work........everything pursues my mind and my heart, trying to tear at the already-frayed edges....(Love, work, college, or life in general, friends) One thing or the other I could live without. I can deal with losing one, but.............losing it all in moments.....................and having nobody to lean on the shoulder that cares....................nobody that understands.............and nobody that can guide me through my progression in powers............it's unbearable.........I can't breathe...........I can't eat.....I can't sleep......I can hardly think any more.........It makes me wonder exactly how much sanity I have after so long of being without.......Makes me wonder how I ever did without love in the first place...........and trying to keep up the constant, consistent pace of every-day life, trying to win the race of ever-changing roads of love and life........trying to gain some sort of control over my life and my mind and body.......trying to keep up the self-discipline that Martial Arts has taught me........I can't.............I just break down every day.........Makes me wonder, if love is just another 'thing to do' on my list.............another thing I am trying to cope with and handle in every day life......well if it was, things most certainly were easier without, no I take it back, they were easier with love..........then I at least could feel like I belonged somewhere, instead of the aimless wanderer I am now. A body and soul....with no place to go, nothing to do, just wandering around like a chicken with its head chopped off, in an almost futile attempt to get through......

But I haven't given up yet.......that must mean I have progressed somehow. I don't intend to give up......or I will fail to the darkness that plagues me. I only hope the same for you.......though I am left in indecision, and confusion.....and my mind is filled with dozens of questions every day, wondering whether you still think of me at all.....and wondering if there's any chance you will ever talk to me again............I keep asking myself what did I do, to make all of this happen? What did I do wrong? And why I can't just........disappear without a trace....(but then I would be running......running never got me very far. Just tired and aching.) I can't keep lying here in queue, limbo, wondering exactly what is going to happen next in life, or whether or not you will ever come back to me........I can't sit here waiting and worrying, wondering if you are even still alive.......that's what tears me apart the most. Every day, not knowing....just knowing you are ok will put me at ease enough to let me get on with my work a bit.......maybe put me at ease enough to get some relaxing rest.....as opposed to the nights of tossing and turning with chaotic and terrifying dreams of something happening to you.....If only you knew just how much I worry about you.....just how much I still care..........All I can say is I miss you, I still love you, even if you can't return it to me, I still want you back in my life as a brother.............and a friend.................Please, please......I prithee, just come back to me.............even for a moment.........just let me rest assured that you will be OK, and then maybe I can face life without you......please, put me at ease from my pain...........talk to me......put me at ease.