5/13/03
Emptiness. Hollow. Filling the void of where you used to be. I know everything that has come to pass was definitely the best days of my life...but what about now? I am left feeling alone and cold. Empty and hollow...just as if I had never touched the essence of love.
Everything...seems as if I'm floating unconsciously above the water. Everything within my essence is...
Dead and cold
Drifting...lonely and tired, wishing you were still by my side...wishing everything within me would stop buring with the searing pain and heartache. Wishing I could will you back into my arms...but at the same time, pushing you further and further away, so you can be free. Trying to let go, but at the same time, crying out for your touch...Am I blind...or crazy to want such a thing? Or am I just human, wishing for something I know I can't have? Again I drift away, slowly caressing the night around me, allowing the cold breeze to numb my skin. Numb...and hollow...nothing more. I give up trying to love, if I can't have whom I need the most. I surrender my emotions to the darkness around me, and allow it to take me in, enfold me in it's tender wings.
Some touch is better than none...
I'm blending in now. I'm fading in to the vast horizon of lost lovers. Never again to be seen. The sensitive side of me is dead...and gone. I can't care for anyone. I won't. Why take a step toward something when my heart will not lie in it?
Why bother?
A quiet maniacal chuckle emanates from the darkness and echoes throughout the room.
Sometimes...we all have to take on the cold and the darkness in order to deal with things. Can you handle it...? Can you take it on, and still be able to survive? Will you listen to that cold quiet voice in your mind that tells you that you do better on your own? Or will you keep suffering...
Which will you decide, death before love...or after?
The more you give in to this feeling, the more of a slave you will become...so why not join me, inside this silver refuge, where nobody can push you around? Why not be at peace with yourself, instead of being torn apart every inch of step you take? Why continue tormenting yourself?
C'mon...just do it.
Give in and settle down. Tis better to be alone than to be hurting all the time. Don't deny it. Shut yourself off from the world, and all those useless emotions. Think Hollow...from the inside out. Clear your thoughts and sink back...into yourself. Command your own body and will rather than what the opposite sex says and does to you. Breathe. That's right. Feel your body sink into the void of consciousness. Void of emotion.
The blackness begins to swirl about you and you feel like you are in a deep sleepy coma, yet not abandoning your own thoughts, just...feelings.
Soon...you will be like I am...dead inside, uncaring, cold and hollow. Just give in. And like it. Anything is better than being in pain......
