2-3-03
"Long For a Loving Touch"
-shakes head- I feel again....I miss the love....not just from Dustin....but from everyone....I miss having a boyfriend...I miss being with someone. In their arms. Tears stream down my face at night because I long for one...any one...to be by my side. If not the one that I truly love, then another...just...anyone. Any male. I long for a companion by my side, to love, to hold, to feel, to breathe...and to keep my sorrows from my heart. Someone to protect me from the world. And yet...I have to be cautious not to get too close, or suffer the same indeliable fate, moral sins...
I'm so scared. I've changed...into a creature that is whipped. Drawn. Begging for any sort of touch. Any touch is better than being Cold. Coldness leads to darkness. Darkness leads to uncertain death. If not by physical means than by spiritual. So still here I stand...I feel alone. But not cold. Just dead. Mentally dead. With the romanticism of valentines day pressing closer to my heart, I feel myself drawing further away from the world. Wanting to be relieved of this pain I feel constantly waging war upon my heart.
Why do I have to feel? Why do I have to love? Can't I just be....alone? -sighs- Another reason why I hate being human. The long to be touched, the leaning toward the feelings of others, the very emotions held true to one's heart...Everything...I despise being in pain. I despise feeling for others. Yet...I don't...-walks away with weary tear drizzling down cheek-
Contradicting it may seem, but still my feelings, as deep as they course through my body, letting go.....is something I cannot do.......Every ounce of my being still cuts a new wound when I start feeling...when I see him again. E'en though I can see him, touch him briefly, he pushes me away...like any other. Because his path has severed from the others. Because he cannot have the contact of another.
I HATE IT! I want to be near him, I want to show him what it really means to love. Seems every time someone draws close to me, I push them away so I can be with him...that's all I really want. Is that too much to ask? Just to prove to someone that love is not deadly, is not some caustic chemical that when comes in contact with another burns and bleeds the other individual's heart....NO. That is not love.
Love is something Deeper. Something that cannot be stopped by anyone but rings true every time the person looks you in the eyes, draws you nearer to the person's bosom, so you can feel their every heart beat, every breath is yours...Love is when another can feel directly for you, and is willing to sacrifice anything, even if it means laying down their life for you. It is not defending the person to the point of destroying the lives of another, but keeping them from harm...."Like silvery wings that encase the heart" I once wrote. Did I really know what love was back then? Perhaps. Maybe not.
All I know is that I can feel.........everyone..............and everything..........surrounding me like a pulsating light, throbbing, white, where he feels......cold and dark.......a deep black. There is nothing I see in him, I need to revive his compassion for others....but he will not let me. He has shut me out like all the others.
He has pierced my very soul, and then left it to bleed....only because I was too lazy. I gave it all up. For him. I want him to be happy...but that is not what I see him in now. I see him in the tar-pit of misery that I was in once. Because I shoved everyone away. The thing is...I need to show him that it was indeed my mistake. My misery, my pain, was caused because I made the mistake in allowing him to go too far.
Now I will draw him near and attempt to revive the Light I know is still within his heart...just being squelched by the darkness his pain has dealt him. All I have to do is............kiss him?.......perhaps.....maybe all I have to do is tell him once more how I feel...how much I still care for him...maybe then he will pick me back up...I can hope, I can dream. I have a chance. There has to be hope...like someone once said "Hope is sometimes the only thing you need to relieve the darkness." Perhaps I just need to give him hope....tell him the truth. And then he will stop reverting. What's the worst he can do? Push me away again? Well...too bad...I won't back down now. Whether or not my parents despise me trying so hard...I'm not giving up. Ever.
