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| Chapter 9 Breathe Joey, breathe. I need to breathe in order to figure out what just happened. Ohgodohgod. Breathe, breathe. This isn�t working. Frozen in time the voice on the machine repeats over and over again inside my head. Over and over again I hear a voice that I hate so much. I fill up with rage as my head replays the message. Yet, I become scared and all I want to do is run. Run from him, and run from myself. I want to detach myself from my body and run like hell. Run until the earth swallows me up, myself and the body I left behind. My optimistic side keeps telling me that it�s a dream. A nightmare, filling my thoughts and senses, making my brain go on overload, trying to wake itself up from this state of unconsciousness. I want to bang my head, I want to scream, I want to do anything that will get me out of this horrible state. Then reality hits me. Hard. This isn�t a dream, or a nightmare. It�s real life that just came back once more to bite me in the ass. Only this time, it won�t stop biting because I�m here. I wish that it wasn�t him on that machine. I wish he could just leave me alone. Forget that I ever existed and go find another doll to show off. But his voice is there, on that machine, gnawing it�s way through my body. He still manages to get to me, even though we�re miles away. I knew something was going to happen. Sooner or later he was going to call around, or show up at un-welcoming doormats. I just hope it sticks to the voice without a visible face then feet on a not-so-welcome mat. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * I look back at Pacey and if looks could kill, the owner of that voice would be six feet under. No such luck on my part. I�m tense. He�s tense. Who the hell wouldn�t be? No matter how apprehensive I feel right at this very moment, I couldn�t be any more numb. Fear is slowly seeping through my body, taking over my abilities to do anything except stand there. I fear the future. I fear the future that I should have been looking forward to, only to have been struck down by the one man I thought I loved. That I thought loved me. I just want to die. Right here, right now. No dramatic death. I just want to collapse onto this rug covered floor. No funeral necessary, just put me in a black trash bag and throw me in a fire. It will save me the pain of looking over towards Pacey once more. It will save me the pain of dealing with the voice that fills my head, and the man that goes along with it. It will save me the pain of telling everybody who I loved and love, what happened to me. I can�t stand this feeling that�s welling up inside of me because it�s eating me up alive. It�s eating me up piece by piece. This fear that is so great, so immense, is consuming me. The only welcomed feeling is the feeling of hatred to my husband. I thought that he was the one that would love me �til death do we part.� But I was wrong. I thought I could have been happy for once, but there�s no possible way as long as the law keeps us attached. Once more the feeling of running comes over me. I want to run. Run from this situation and into something better. Something wonderful so that when you step outside, the smallest things become big. But that will never happen. And if it does, it probably won�t be for a while. I feel something on my shoulder and I jump. I tense and I jump. Realization sets in and I remember that there is a man behind me who wouldn't hurt a fly, well, maybe not a fly. I stop thinking as I turn around to look at him. I see the rage still burning in his eyes, but they slowly soften as they look down at me. They�re filled with worry and sadness. He�s scared. I know he�s scared. His hand is shaking as he brings it to my face, wiping away the tears that dampened. The tears that I didn�t know I shed. �Hey Pace.� I say quietly. Two simple words that speak volumes. Two simple words that contain desperation and fear, begging for some comfort. The comfort I can get from only one person of this earth. The one person who knows me inside out, top to bottom. The person that is standing here before me reaching out to do exactly that. He envelopes me in a hug, squeezing the life out of me and never wanting to let go. I put my arms around him and squeeze just as hard, hanging on for dear life. Hanging onto my lifeline. Making sure I don�t float away from my life preserver and drown. I don�t want to let go. I don�t want to leave. * * * * * * * * * * * * * He never stopped holding me. Whether it be by a hug, or holding hands, somehow we�re connected. All that remains now is the past, the tears, and what lies ahead. �Pace?� I speak for the first time in a while. �Yeah?� He looks up. His voice is as broken as mine. �I should go.� I look down, afraid to see his eyes. �What?� I know he�s angry. �Go? Go where Jo?� �Somewhere else.� I say as I motion with my hand. �Away from you. Away from him.� �Me?� He asks with sorrow as he drops my hand. �Why me? I haven�t done anything wrong.� �You�re right Pace, you haven�t done anything wrong.� I grab his hands in mine. �It�s just�� I hesitate, not exactly sure of what I should say, just knowing that I should go. �Just what Jo?� He looking at me. His eyes slowly cloud over with anger and frustration. �I don�t want you to get hurt.� I whisper, �Hurt because of me.� �Yeah Jo, well I don�t want you to get hurt either.� He says with an edge to it. �It�s a little late for that.� I whisper again, looking down towards our intertwined hands. �Jo.� I won�t look at him. I feel to ashamed. His hand moves out of mine, up to my chin, lifting up my head so I can look at him. �Joey?� I look. �I won�t let him hurt you. Okay? He doesn�t even know you�re here.� �But what if he-� �Joey. Trust me.� I see the love in his eyes and I know he means every word. �I do. It�s just�� I stop not knowing what else to say. �Can we talk in to morning? I just want to curl up and go to sleep right now.� �Sure Jo.� I get up from the table and he doesn�t follow me. He knows I don�t want him to. I reach the steps and I look back towards him. He�s hurting as much as I am which is killing me. Knowing I caused it just makes me feel even worse. I turn my head away and I run up the stairs. |
| * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * She's his yellow brick road Leading him on And letting him go as far as she lets him go Going down to nowhere She puts on her make-up The same way she did yesterday Hoping everything's the same But everything has changed I�m sitting outside of his door, just listening to him sleep. The way he gives a little snort on every fourth breath. Or the way he makes a little whistle as he breathes out. Tears roll down my cheeks and I mull over what I�m about to do once more. I get up slowly, leaving the dark spot behind. In my mind Everything we did was right Open your eyes, I'll still be by your side How could I ever have been so blind? You give me something to sleep to at night Opening the door, I creep into his room through the heavy blanket of night. Tip-toeing, I move over to his nightstand, or what I think is his nightstand. I silently talk to myself, hoping that I don�t bump into anything, or anyone. The moon light shines through the blinds, giving me some sense of sight. I grasp the paper a little harder as I feel my hand begin to shake. Slowly I place the paper down, trying not to knock anything off. He wakes up to the sound So scared that she's leaving He wishes she were still asleep next to him Hoping she will change He snorts loudly and I quickly move myself out of the light. He turns over with a huff and goes back to his rhythmic breathing. Once more I walk quietly over the floor, only this time, it�s the opposite way. The path away from him and towards his safety. In my mind Everything we did was right Open your eyes, I'll still be by your side How could I ever have been so blind? You give me something to sleep to at night You give me something to sleep to And all I know is You give me something to dream to when I'm all alone and blue Don't leave me now Don't leave me now I stare back at him, watching his chest fall and rise. Listening to his breathing which gives me a calming feeling. His face is aglow in the light from his window. Framing his face on the pillow, almost as if it were a picture. I sigh as I close his door. Don't leave me now Don't leave me now Don't leave me now Don't leave me now Don't leave me now Don't leave me now I grab my bags that I left outside of his door and begin my descent to the first floor. Closer to the bottom, I sprint the rest of the way down and towards the door. Placing my hand on the doorknob, I freeze. Part of me wants to stay, but the rest of me knows that I can�t. I slowly open the door and escape out into the night. In my mind Everything we did was right Open your eyes, I'll still be by your side How could I ever have been so blind? You give me something to sleep to Something to sleep to Something to sleep to at night --Something to Sleep To-- Michelle Branch |