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A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The
plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type
things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even
make that much as a doctor!."
The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was
a doctor."
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A
doctor said to his car mechanic, "Your debit is several
times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."
"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model,
it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date
with new models coming every year."
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The
seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class
asked me to play doctor."
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What
happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed
the insurance company."
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| A
fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist
asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number
and told him to have a seat.
A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him
what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical
history and told him to wait in the examining room. Ten
minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an
electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes
and wait for the doctor. Fifteen minutes later the doctor
came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
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Patient
to the eye doctor: "Whenever I drink coffee, I have this
sharp, excruciating pain." "Try to remember to remove
the spoon from the cup before drinking."
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A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why
he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots
in front of my eyes."
The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?"
and the man replies, "No, just spots."
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Patient:
I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much cleare
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A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms,
how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted
him: "Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients
these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking.
Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, looked her up and
down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said,
"There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll
have to have you put down."
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What's
the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he
treats.
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What is a double-blind study?
Two orthopaedists reading an electrocardiogram.
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Things
You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery: Oops!
Has anyone seen my watch?
That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've
been that drunk.
Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak
of nature.
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Damn, there go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got
two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration
off.
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
What do you mean, he's not insured?
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more
of that?
Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.
Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
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At
a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start
eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and
she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses
herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing
leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just
as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she
has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go
for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is
going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor
says, "I bet you are a surgeon".
She confirms and asks how he knew.
"Easy, you're always washing your hands."
She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."
Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?"
Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing."
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How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
That depends on whether it has health insurance.
None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round
to the surgery later.
None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end
to screw in.
Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation
specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament
transplant.
Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't
using it now.
How many veterinarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that
an MD makes ten times as much for the same procedure!!
How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and
hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see
it.
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