"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything
yet ?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."
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"Doctor,
Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands
shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"
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"Doctor,
doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"
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A
man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant,
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her
husband!"
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The
surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated:
"I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again.
Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."
"Well,
if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you
just leave me alone."
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A
doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and
stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned
home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
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Doctor:
I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you
have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's
the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
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A
man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been
feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the
checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
"I'm
afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have
much time," the doctor says.
"Oh
no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"10..."
says the doctor.
"10?
10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.
"10...9...8...7..."
---------------------------------
Doctor:
"I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"
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"Doctor,
are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once
about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally
he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone
with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."
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A
man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a
miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they
didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't
do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home
and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open
all the windows and stand in the draft."
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do
that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."
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A
guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged
up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone
rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what
happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"
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A
SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this
potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat
this root!"
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