fartguide2

THE G AND L FART: This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of
farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have
not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the
most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone.

THE GHOST FART: A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to
be identified by odour alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house.
You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that
only a fart could have that odour, but some believe it is just something
that happens to smell like a fart.

THE HIC-HACHOO-FART FART: This is strictly an old lady's fart. What
happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at
the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will
usually pat her chest and say, "My, my", or "Well, well". There is no
reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old
person's fart as there is.

THE JERK FART: The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles,
grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a
single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether
pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart
in the World Fart.

THE JOHN FART: The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the
john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the wound, whatever
it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person's trip to the john
amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons.

THE LEAD FART: The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped
ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart
that goes thud. Except for the odour, which is also very heavy, it could
be missed altogether as a far. What was that, you might think? And
never guess.

THE MALTED MILK BALL FART: Odour alone is diagnostic and positively
identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls.
No other food works this way. It is rare.

THE OMEN FART: This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About
the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will
just look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to
spot if you pay attention.

THE ORGANIC FART: Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The
person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food
he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may
even ask if you noticed how good and pure and health his fart smells.
It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in
agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best.

THE QUIVER FART: A group one identification fart only. When you
fart, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you
have to scratch it, then it is the Scratarse Fart.