fartguide

THE ANTICIPATED FART: This one warns that it is back there waiting for
some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd
and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has
farted an Anticipated Fart.

THE BACK SEAT FART: This is a fart that occurs only in car�s. It
is identified chiefly by odour. The Back Seat Fart can usually be
concealed by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud.
But its odour is foul, will give it away, due to the way air moves around
in a car. And then someone will say, who farted in the back seat?

THE BARRED OWL FART: A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in
identifying this fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before
daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to himself. It's a sort
of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that
has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it
sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barred Owl Fart.

THE BULLET FART: Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic
is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to
have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly
common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans.

THE COMMAND FART: This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it
can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike
the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. Harold Tabor recently
held a Command Fart for the whole period in history class and let it go
right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any questions.

THE COMMON FART: This fart needs little description. It is to the world
of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no
point in describing this far any further.

THE CUSHIONED FART: A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter
is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push
their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and
ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after.
Some odour may escape, but usually not much. Common with some people.

THE DUD FART: The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart
that fails. For this reason it is strictly a group one identification
fart, because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody
else expected to fart but didn't. It is the most private of all farts.
In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed.

THE ECHO FART: This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is
not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand
Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a
two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second
tone. Like an echo.