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I had talked to my mom a little about what I was going through and found out that she went through some similar things when I was little, but didn�t have as much trouble as I was having. I don�t think she understood or thought I was having it that bad until she saw me pacing and how nervous I was. She did say later that week that she didn�t know things were as bad as they were, but she still didn�t know everything because I was still holding in a lot of it.

The week of the wedding I tried to do as little as possible to keep the nerves down. The day of the wedding though was another story. I was feeling fine when I woke up, but it soon went downhill. We got to Sally�s, my cousin, and I was trying to eat something for lunch and couldn�t even eat half of it since I felt like if I ate any more I would be sick. We all got ready and were out taking pictures and I was going okay for a bit. I have a real problem with bright sun and getting migraines from it so I�m constantly wearing sunglasses whenever I�m outside. This caused me to be very nervous with the pictures since they were outside and I couldn�t wear my sunglasses.

Once the pictures were done and we were inside waiting for people to arrive I tried to eat a little snack so that my stomach had something in it. That wasn�t very easy. Again I felt very sick and didn�t even have about three bites of a bagel. I felt really sick, shaky, lightheaded and had a hard time focusing on things. Kevin�s dad and a few other people were asking if I was okay. I kept saying I was even though I didn�t feel like I was. I kept joking that I wasn�t going to go out. I was just going to get the microphone and say my vows from inside. After all we were already married. I have a tendency to joke at times when I feel nervous.

I put it all aside and was able to get outside and down the aisle. I must have been a little nervous still because my dad had to tell me to slow down as we were going down the aisle. For the ceremony I did wear my sunglasses. I didn�t care what anyone said; I wasn�t going to risk getting more bright light in my eyes and have a migraine on my wedding day. During the ceremony I had to keep shifting from foot to foot to keep moving so that I didn�t feel like I would pass out. I was even able to enjoy the ceremony and did cry a couple of times. It made me feel better too when I looked over and saw some of my sorority sisters and they all smiled at me. Made me feel like I could do it. I tell you though, I was so happy when it was over though. The rest of the night I was fine. I didn�t have any more feelings of anything, just happy. I had fun for the first time in a long time. I danced and had a great night.

The next day we came back to help get everything cleaned up before heading back home. We weren�t heading out that day for our little honeymoon like we had originally planned for a couple of reasons. We did leave the next day though for our couple day stay at a bed and breakfast. It was really nice to have a break and have all that stuff behind me. It was nice too to have a couple days away with just Kevin, my mom stayed at our place with Trevor. I had a fine time while we were gone. We did a lot of driving around and some walking along the lake shore. We didn�t go out to eat while we were there because I still felt I wasn�t up to it. Not in a strange city and with all of the excitement of the wedding not too far back. We did order take out and went to get it. It was so nice to have a break from everyday life, even though it was only for two nights.

After we got back things were fine for about a week and then went downhill quickly. I wasn�t able to get out like I had wanted after the wedding and that caused me to get very down on myself. It wasn�t long until I was crying everyday. I�d stay in the shower for about 45 minutes just so that I could cry and Trevor wouldn�t have to see it. It was like the shower was my safe place to just let it out. All I wanted to do was cry and sleep. The only thing that got me out of bed in the first place was Trevor. I had to be strong for him even though it was hard. There were days I couldn�t hold it in and Trevor would end up wiping my tears away with his blanket and telling me it was okay and not to cry. Talk about breaking your heart. To hear your baby telling you it�s going to be okay and wiping away your tears.

Everyday would be harder and harder. I didn�t even want to go out and get the mail. How bad is that when the mailbox was attached to the house and all I had to do was open the door and reach out? I didn�t even have to leave the house. To make things worse it was summer and Trevor wanted to be outside and playing. I�d walk by his room and he�d be standing on his bed looking out the window. I made many promises to myself that I�d go outside with him so that he didn�t have to grow up from the inside and not knowing the outside world. At times I�d keep those promises to myself and go out in the driveway with him for a little while and color with the sidewalk chalk. I�d always make it about the time Kevin was just about home from work. That way we�d have a certain amount of time and then we�d have to go in because Kevin was home and we needed to get dinner going and spend time with daddy.

During that July I�d go a few times to the grocery store with Kevin and Trevor, but it didn�t last long. I�d start feeling bad and pretty soon I�d be doing anything to get out of going. I do mean anything too. My favorite was to wait until Trevor had fallen asleep on the couch so that I�d have to stay. I�d fight battles in my mind when it was grocery day. Do I go and risk an attack or do I give in and let the panic win and stay home? Most times I�d let the panic win. That only made me more down on myself for not being strong and fighting. This went on the course of July and steadily got worse and worse.

Every morning when Kevin left for work, I�d have periods where I couldn�t sleep and I�d feel dizzy. I started getting paranoid too. When I�d be putting Trevor to bed at night, I�d have these thoughts that Kevin was going to come up behind me and hurt me. No reason for it, just got really paranoid. I think some of that was due to all the stories I was hearing about spouses killing the other spouse. I even got paranoid about little noises I�d hear in the house at night and convinced myself we had ghosts and they were going to hurt me. I had to quit watching horror movies, even though they are my favorite, because of the paranoia that I was getting from them.

The lowest day of my life happened in later July. It was about 6 a.m. or so and Trevor had woken up crying about something and wanted to come into bed with me. I let him and soon became very paranoid that he was only doing this because he had hired someone to come and hurt me. No logical reason for this at all since he was only 2. My mind was just going about anything. I couldn�t sleep from the adrenaline that was going through my body. I got really scared that I would do something I didn�t want to do. I knew I wouldn�t hurt Trevor but I wasn�t so sure I wouldn�t hurt myself.

For a while now I had thoughts of it. I could understand why people cut themselves. I just felt like I had so much pent up energy inside that wouldn�t come out. I didn�t have energy to do things, but felt just wound up inside. I could see why it might feel good to cut myself to release that energy. Anything to release it and feel better. I never did because I can�t stand pain and didn�t want to do it.

That morning, though, I wasn�t so sure I wouldn�t do it. I just felt so scared. I wanted to call someone and ask for help, but didn�t know who to call. I didn�t know of any hot line numbers to call or if I should call the hospital or who. I even thought about whether or not to call 911. I decided against that because I was afraid that they�d take Trevor away from me and that would make me even worse. I finally was able to fall asleep for about an hour and it was very fitful.

I finally got the courage to call a psychiatric clinic that morning about 9. I was told with my insurance carrier that they were allowed only so many patients a year and already had that many so they couldn�t help me. Talk about a blow. I call for help and am turned away by the place that should help me. It took me until later that afternoon to even think about calling another place. I was thinking that maybe this was a sign that I really don�t need help; I�m just having a bad day. I was tempted to believe that, but I didn�t want to risk that ever happening to me again. The next place I called was able to get me an evening appointment but not for about 2 weeks. At least it was an appointment and it gave me hope to cling to.

I told Kevin about it that night and he went off about how he couldn�t get off work and how was I going to get there. I thought that I had no support and that I was going crazy since no one else could see what I was going through. He finally listened when I told him how I had felt that morning and it was an evening appointment. He ended up going in with me until the therapist wanted to see me alone.

Right away he wanted to see me the next week, but I wasn�t able to since he didn�t have any evening appointments and there was no way I could get in during the day. I was able to get in to see him two more times though. The second time I saw him, he wanted me to see my doctor so that I could get on meds.

Kevin was changing jobs at the end of August so I had to get in quickly to see my doctor to make sure it was covered by insurance. I was able to get in and that day was not a fun one at all. I wasn�t able to sleep the night before and had a hard time after leaving the house. Even though I knew I was going to go get help from my doctor, I was still panicking. Once we got to the clinic, we went upstairs and I felt a little better until I went to check in and found out that my insurance hadn�t been changed for some reason. That meant I had to go back downstairs to get it fixed. Once we were down fixing the insurance I had to sit down because I felt like I could�ve fallen over since I was just so dizzy. Sitting down in public was something I didn�t do, so for me to sit down, you know I was feeling bad. Back upstairs I got back in line to check in with the right insurance. While standing there I really felt lightheaded and like things were about to go way out of control.