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I remember talking to God about giving me strength. I got checked in and went to sit by Kevin and Trevor and the next thing I knew I was crying. I couldn�t help it, every time I asked God for help, tears came down and I couldn�t stop them. At least I wasn�t shaking or feeling like I was going to pass out anymore after the tears started. Kevin thought I was nuts and didn�t understand why I was crying.

At this clinic the nurse weighs you and gets your stats and you go back out to the waiting room to wait for a room to open up with your doctor. Well, when I went in to get things weighed and heart rate done and stuff, the nurse was concerned about what was happening. I told her it was a panic attack and she asked if I�d like to get in a room right away so that I didn�t have to go back out to the waiting room. Of course I said yes and she found my doctor�s nurse and explained what was happening and was able to get me in a room right away. They brought Kevin and Trevor back then too. Kevin just couldn�t understand why I was so out of control that day when I seemed like things were fine most of the time. Could be because I never let anyone know how bad things really were.

My doctor was concerned but wasn�t quite sure what to do for panic disorder being as he mostly dealt with depression medication. I said something about Zoloft and he went to check it out and came back and said that was right and to try that first. He gave me a sample pack to get started and had wanted to see me in a few weeks, but with no insurance looming I wasn�t able to go back in. So he settled for a phone call to see how things were going. He also talked to me about if I ever felt like I wanted to hurt myself to call him and he could get me checked into the hospital for help. So now I knew who I could call at least.

I went home that day with hope of things turning around with the medication. The first day that I took it, I took it at night and ended up feeling terrible the next day. I didn�t take any that day then and waited until the next morning to take it with breakfast. I haven�t had a problem since then with feeling any bad side effects. It did take about 8 weeks for the meds to really work and for me to feel like I was improving. I could tell that things were different though pretty quick. I wasn�t feeling so bad when I�d leave the house. I�d still feel panicked, but not to the extent I had before. I�d be able to feel when I was tightening my muscles and was able to relax them and just breathe. I hadn�t been able to do that before. Kevin was also able to see an improvement about 5 weeks after starting on meds. He remarked that he wasn�t living with a royal witch, if you know what I mean, the week before, during and after my period. That it was nice to have his wife back.

I did have a really rough time in September since I had only been on meds for about two weeks when the world turned upside down. I slipped back down and had to really pull hard to get out of it. After about two days I had to get away or I�d be back to where I was before that and I didn�t want that at all. I had to turn the channel and just have cartoons on. Not only for myself but for Trevor as well. I went out one night with a candle and sat there on the phone with my mom talking about things and life in general. When I came back in, I felt good about myself and knew things would turn around for everyone, including me, in time.

I started to do more things around the house and out of the house. I didn�t go to the grocery story myself, but we went as a family. It still took a great deal of time for me to do anything out of the house on my own. My body had conditioned itself for so long to feel like crude that it took it time to change the way everything reacted to things. I�m still working on that and most likely will the rest of my life, but I�m not giving up.

The end of October we found a place to live in town where Kevin was working so he didn�t have to commute everyday. We found we got it and moved all in about 5 days. I packed about 90% of the house in 4 days. That took a huge toll on my body and mind. The night before we moved I broke down and cried for about 45 minutes because I was just so worn out, mentally and physically.