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That October both my parents flew out to see how things were going for the wedding. While they were here we did go out to eat at a little place we had been going to every now and then. It was small and had lots of windows so I felt better being in there. I still had some issues before going in, but had found some ways of dealing with things so that it didn�t look like I was feeling bad. Their visit was good and I didn�t have too many problems then.

Shortly after they left I had to go to the dentist. I hadn�t been in about three years for lack of insurance. My teeth had started hurting so I got in for an appointment. I drove myself being as it was in town. I�ve never had problems going to the dentist before. It never made me nervous or anything, but then I�d never had any real problems with my teeth so it was always just a regular cleaning. This time, being as it had been awhile, I did have to have some massive cleaning done and come back for more. I did have a cavity too. I went back to finish the cleaning and get the filling. During the filling I felt a little shaky but was able to get through it and was better so I could drive home.

My tooth that got the filling never did feel better. It got so bad that I couldn�t even chew on that side. So this time I had Kevin drive me being as I was a little nervous since the last time I did have a small episode. The dentist said it was just my bite and did something to the tooth, but it still really hurt. So I had to go back again and got another dentist in the same office. This time I was told it was most likely cracked and would need a crown and had another appointment. When Kevin took me to the next one for the crown, I was told from the x-ray it looked like an infection and I�d most likely need a root canal, but if I just wanted to go ahead with the crown and see if that worked we could since a root canal on that tooth would get a crown over it anyway. I quietly freaked out in my mind about the root canal and said just to try the crown. So the whole time I was getting the tooth prepped for the crown, I was shaking and sweating profusely.

I attributed all that to the fact that I was scared about having to have a root canal. I thought it would be terribly painful and I didn�t want that. I did some reading about root canals and talked to my mom about them and found out they aren�t any worse than a filling. So that helped me some. The tooth still really hurt and worse than before. I had to go back in for the root canal. I did mention to the dentist this time that I had some anxiety issues and had problems breathing through my nose � I always have had those breathing problems through my nose. He said that was fine and to just let him know if I needed him to stop so I could take a break. I did momentarily freak out when they put that rubber thing across my mouth. It wouldn�t matter much if I had them stop since my mouth was covered. The whole time I counted over and over to 100. I don�t remember how many times I did that, but I still was in a cold sweat. I ended up having to go back in a couple more times to finish up the root canal, but I was better each time since I knew more of what to expect. I still had Kevin drive me each time though being as I wasn�t comfortable doing that yet. Finally after about a month of going to the dentist every week I was done and my teeth didn�t hurt anymore and I was able to eat on both sides of my mouth.

In April of 2001 I had some improvement in my day to day activities. I was getting out and driving around town and even going to the grocery store by myself while Kevin watched Trevor. I was even taking Trevor to Wal*Mart on occasion. I would have to do it on a spur of the moment though or I�d get really nervous and shaky before leaving. I found that I was fine if I just talked to Trevor the whole time and didn�t stay in the store for too long. Standing in line was the hardest part of the whole thing because that was when I�d be just standing there without anything to really concentrate on. People must have thought I was crazy since I was constantly moving and talking with Trevor or looking at all the magazines on the racks just to occupy my attention so my mind didn�t have the chance to panic.

Then the day before Mother�s Day I was driving with Trevor to get a card for my mom. At the stop light I had a huge set back, a rather large panic attack hit. All I wanted to do was just get out and run. It took everything I had to keep going and go get the card and get back home. I couldn�t stop shaking and felt rather dizzy and out of focus the whole time. After that I quit driving and doing things by myself.

I was terrified of having it happen again and something worse happening. My fear was of the panic attacks and not of anything else. Kevin kept asking what it was that I was afraid of, like something specific and I couldn�t come up with an answer other than the panic attack. He would tell me that there was nothing to be scared of so why did I have the attack. That�s the great thing about panic attacks, there doesn�t have to be anything to be scared of I�d tell him.

In May Christy and Kelli were coming down again to have the fittings for the bridesmaid dresses. That was one of the hardest times I had. I mean, I�d have to go in and try on my wedding dress and I was terrified it wasn�t going to fit. I had ordered it when my mom had been out over a year earlier and I was at a lower weight then. So when I went for my fitting with Kelli, the dress was indeed too small. Not only was it too small, there wasn�t enough to take out. The store called the manufacturer but was told they wouldn�t send another size but would send the fabric for it to be taken out. I ended up having to pay an extra $100 for that fabric. Needless to say I was very shaky and dizzy by the time we left the store. Kelli was very understanding and because of that I actually talked for the first time to someone about what I�d been going through. It felt good to get it out. She never said anything that made me feel that I was going crazy or made little of it.

I didn�t have to worry about the extra fabric because the lady did an excellent job of putting it in the dress. You couldn�t even tell that it had to be put in. That made me feel a bit better about the wedding. I didn�t want people to be able to tell that I had gained that much weight to have my dress taken out so extra fabric could be added.

Also in May we went down to the florist and saw our minister. Our minister was a family friend of Christy�s that I�d know for a few years. The first visit to the florist went fine, but not the second. The second time we went I had woken up that morning and didn�t feel the best. I just attributed it to nerves about finalizing things with the florist and everything. We first went to our photographer and got things set up with her. We ran a little over with her and had to hurry to get to the florist. Plus I was starving and needed to eat something. Being as we were in such a hurry, I really didn�t feel the best and eating didn�t help. It just put something in my stomach to throw around. Once we parked the car to get out and see the florist, I felt like I was going to pass out and had a hard time moving my legs. Kevin saw this and thought we should just go home if I felt this bad. I didn�t want to do that and have to come back another time and have it happen again. While we were sitting in the flower store I really felt bad and had to really focus to keep it from getting worse. Thankfully we were only there for about 5 minutes just finalizing things, but it felt like an eternity. Once we were back at the car, Kevin said again that we should just go home and call George, our minister, and tell him I didn�t feel good. I talked him into at least going over to the church so that we could at least tell George how I felt. We�d meet with him, but let him know I felt bad so if I did need to leave he knew why. I did start feeling better after we sat down with George and started talking about the ceremony. He did mention that we should have two songs to play during the ceremony and I internally freaked out. I was going to have a hard enough time standing up in front of people, much less for two extra songs. I didn�t say anything at the time though. I waited until a few days later and I could just call him and talk to him about it.

About this time was when even having to use the phone became a difficulty for me too. I was dread having to call someone and talk to them or plan anything. I was getting sweaty, shaky and dizzy. Later I learned that this is a sign of agoraphobia. At the time I just thought it was nerves having to get everything ready for the upcoming wedding. We were having the wedding at my cousin�s farm which was an hour away. That meant that most things I did have to do over the phone so I had some problems for awhile with the phone.

With what happened earlier in May when I had the attack driving and down at the florist, I started staying in more and more. I wouldn�t even go to the grocery store with Kevin. I�d do just about anything to not have to go. At that time I felt I didn�t need any setbacks before the wedding. That after the wedding I�d start getting out more and fight it. I didn�t want to have to worry about anything then except the wedding.

The week before the wedding my mom flew out to help get everything ready. I was having a really hard time with having to go to the airport and pick her up. We were just meeting her at baggage claim, but I still really didn�t want to have to go in the airport at all. To make things worse, Kevin was making fun of me on the way to the airport. Once we were inside and waiting for her, I couldn�t sit down, I had to keep moving. So I paced and paced until she was there. The whole time I kept telling myself that I was okay and nothing bad would happen to me. Each time I told myself those things I would feel tears threatening to spill over. I just held myself rigid and kept pacing and wringing my hands together.