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DISCLAIMER: Hahahahah!
SUMMARY: He searches for her, that elusive dream-girl who's always two steps away
WORDCOUNT: 1180
NOTES: for Wolf, a belated birthday prezzie. *G*
SEARCH
by Leni
After the (almost) end of the world, Spike sets to find her. It begins as a race against
Angel. None of them knows why they do it, except there aren't many options after the
battle and this is the one that makes more sense. None of them knows where she is, but
there they go. Blind fools they always were.
So, like a blind fool he wanders around, looking for her. She's not in Italy anymore. The
only thing he finds there is Andrew, still too scared from his encounter with Angel to say
something reasonable. He mutters about death-threats if he happened to tell Spike where to
find her; Spike just hits him until the boy faints. Remorse? Not really. Stupid boy
pathetic enough to believe those lies, he deserves a wake-up call. But he shrugs and
leaves afterwards anyway. This time he will win. He really will, he's too tired of always
being second best, of always been a little too late.
Spike just closes his eyes and lets instinct guide him. He knows that's what she is doing
now. He finds Xander and Willow this way, and they nod when he asks if she's alright and
shake their head if he presses for more information. Xander's eyes tell him he's already
too late, that he got bested again. There is a little of anger, a tad of jealousy and a
lot of resignation in his look. That boy could never hide anything. But Spike shrugs and
keeps in his way. Instinct tells him there's still something for him, and him alone, and
he must go on.
When he finally finds her, she's laughing. Not at him, not for him, not with him. Her eyes
sparkle under the fire's light and every movement is like the rain, like a dance learned
in the beginning of the world. Of course she's not alone. He's too late, a little too
late. Typical Spike. Looks like Xander was right after all. He watches the scene hungrily,
watches them enjoy a night at the beach, the simple things they can give each other now.
He watches as the moonlight becomes sunshine once it touches her hair, making him long for
nights where he was allowed to touch her. Even those nights where it was the only thing he
was allowed to do. Those around the fire fit perfectly... so perfectly. It makes him sick.
Now Spike closes his eyes to dream. The girl in his dreams is the one from years ago, the
one who came to him with fury and anger. He wishes he didn't remember her like that, but
he does. The girl in his dreams laughs freely, almost the innocent he first met so long
ago. She calls his name and he knows it's just to tell him he's too late, to look at her,
can't he see how happy she's now? Spike really wishes he didn't think of her like that,
but he does.
He wanders around aimlessly now. Days, weeks and months are a blur and he goes carelessly
through them. Something awaits him around the corner; he can feel that in his veins. But
he was never good at the peeking business, neither does he need to. Life always had that
knack for jumping onto him when he was less prepared for the change.
There comes a moment when his eyes don't need to be closed to see her. But it's different
this time. He finally remembers her as she should be remembered.
The girl in his dreams still laughs, but this time she is laughing with him. Her laugh
becomes thinner, his name in his lips is said in another tone. A tone that really calls
him to her.
Now Spike laughs with her too, twirls her around until she giggles aloud. He never got to
make Buffy laugh before, it feels good.
Until the night he realises he heard this laugh before. The same tinkling sound that made
him smile before he knew it. He had laughed along too, so long ago. Spike tries to deny
it, say it's just a memory gone wrong. But there it is, following him in his dreams and
only there he allows himself to relax when he remembers it.
Her hair slowly becomes that little more dark, just shades apart from the sunny blonde
he's used to. But the sun has always burned him, and maybe this is the what his dreams are
trying to tell him.
Now his fingers go through her hair playfully, sliding through the softness of the long
bangs. He never had time to admire Buffy's hair before, it feels nice.
Until the night he realises he has done this before. The same soothing movement that made
a girl sleep in his lap. It put him at ease too, so long ago, several times he had fallen
asleep along with this girl. But he can't be dreaming about it, can he? It's wrong, just
an old memory playing havoc. But there it is, following him in his dreams, and every night
he smiles as his fingers play gently through silky brunette hair.
Her figure changes too. Becomes a little taller every time he closes his eyes. Not too
much, just an inch or two, until the shade he holds close to him fits perfect against his
dream-self. Maybe he's idealising her, Spike thinks, maybe he's doing what Buffy never let
him do in real life.
Until the night he realises he has held this body before, calmed this girl against tears,
shame and guilt. She used to sit with him during that summer, the space between them
shorter as days went on. He remembers her hugging him tight, begging that he never let go,
she was but a child back then but her voice knew too much. He broke his promise, Spike
realises it now. He swore the end of the world and the world is laughing at him now.
He has named his dream-girl with the wrong name, but she's real. She's real and if he
doesn't rush he'll be a little too late again.
This is change, and it has finally jumped onto him. A girl with dark eyes is waiting for
him around the corner, he knows that, can feel it in the air. Love's bitch, Spike called
himself so long ago, and he still is, and he still does his mistress' bidding.
He closes his eyes and lets the memories of her guide him and when he finally finds her,
Dawn smiles at him. Only at him, as of she'd bee waiting for him to arrive. She confides
that she was.
And it's good, and better than before. She's not the sun, she's not the darkness, she's
the shade in-between that lets all his shades of grey cherish her. Cherishing is something
he's good at, and sometimes he can't believe he finally found the one who fully accepts
it. Making new memories to add to his dream-repertoire is something she's happy to do.
She's happy with him.
Yes, definitely better.
The End
23/07/04
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