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DISCLAIMER: Okay, let's see. This is a vignette with both Buffy
and Angel in it. And look! It doesn't even have a bittersweet or sad ending! Wow, they are
even paired together!! Have you seen something like it lately in the show? Am I hearing a
'Noooo!'? Then I guess they are mine. *grins*
SUMMARY: AU after 'Graduation'. Years later, Angel comes back. "She
blamed him as much as he blamed her. For not knowing, for letting it happen, for being so
damn innocent..." PG
WORDCOUNT: 2791
HOPING
by Leni
"Do you even have a soul?"
It was the third time she asked. And he could swear that each time the question was said
with a little less hope that his answer would be what she wanted to hear.
The first time he had smiled, thinking that she must be surprised at his return and his
proposal. The second time it wasn't funny anymore because, damn it, she was serious. This
time... this time he just laughed bitterly. "You would be dead now if I didn't have
it," he told her.
She lifted her chin defiantly. "Oh yeah? You're wrong, you know? Newsflash for you,
Angel. I've been dead twice already, and both times you had a soul."
"Oh. So you would have liked to die at my hands?" he deadpanned.
She corked an eyebrow. "At least you would have been at my side."
Her voice was as bitter as his, he realised. What had happened in these years? After he
left, she had found a new life. She had even kept her old friends, who still supported
her. She had never felt so alone as he had... He caressed her face softly. "But
weren't I, love?" His thumb traced her cheek carefully. "Yes, twice you died and
I still had my soul both times... but what you don't know, darling, is that twice I was
right there at your side." He put a finger in her lips before she gave the
disagreeing remark. "Both times I could only think of going with you," he
finally confessed. And it was true... seven years ago he had seen a young girl dying an
early death, and he had wanted to follow her into oblivion... but she came back to him and
oblivion couldn't compare to her. And then, three years ago, he had felt a void inside
which wanted to suck him in... he had known the reason instantly, had felt her leaving...
and he had thought of letting himself go.
"Wha--?"
"The only thing I could think of was that my soul wanted to fly away with you,"
he explained, "And it didn't matter leaving this body without a conscience. Angelus
be damned, the world be damned! Loneliness was the only thing I couldn't stand."
"And why didn't you, huh?"
Angel remembered keenly that the only thing which kept him 'alive' were her own words.
'Strong is fighting,' she had said once with a conviction he could not shake. And so he
had been strong and fought... "Because your memory wouldn't let me."
"My memory?" She let out a harsh laugh. "Don't blame me if you are a
coward, Angel." He looked at her incomprehensibly. "I would have understood it.
Really. Had you turned into Angelus because of my death, that I can get." She stared
hard into his eyes and he flinched knowing the accusation that was coming. Well, not
really an accusation, she knew he was not more at fault than herself... but it must have
been gnawing at her for years, and he was the only one who did completely understand how
it had felt, to be ripped of the only happiness they had been able to attain. "But
no. You had to leave me when I most loved you. Damn it, Angel! Angelus was the one I met
after *we* made love!"
And yes, there it was. The old resentment that he carried in equal parts. To have been
forced to leave her when everything had seemed perfect, to be forced to go from ecstasy to
hell in one step... She blamed him as much as he blamed her, for not knowing, for letting
it happen, for being so damn innocent that they didn't know that happiness couldn't be
given to them... And the worst was that it was a silent resentment, they had never voiced
it in the short time he was in Sunnydale after he came back from Hell. But he had dealt
with it, decades of constant guilt made it easy to assimilate and accept... and meanwhile
she had bottled it waiting for him to throw it in his face. He couldn't have expected
better from a teenager who had been forced into adulthood in one day.
"I'm sorry."
Buffy looked at him. Angel was always sorry. Didn't he notice that she wasn't really mad
at him? Not for what happened seven years ago anyway. She was furious because of what he
was doing now, he must know that too. But he was still sorry---
She sighed. "And I'm furious, so what?" Buffy shrugged as Angel didn't answer.
"I knew you would be sorry and you knew I would be furious." He nodded.
"Are we going somewhere with these emotions?"
He glared at her. Hadn't she understood? He needed peace, the part of him that always
screamed at him to come back to her had to be satiated and yet... he couldn't offer her
anything else. Much less a bitter repeat of the past... He wanted some quietness. "I
don't want to go anywhere, Buffy," he finally said.
"What?" She couldn't understand him. He came back, hadn't he? Nobody came back
after five years and didn't want to go 'somewhere'. He had said that he was staying in
Sunnydale. He had said that he would help her if she needed him. Then he had said he
didn't expect their past relationship to reignite - not in those words, but she knew what
he meant - but he would be around. And now he said he didn't want to go anywhere? They
needed 'somewhere' to plant their new relationship... friends, allies, whatever.
'Somewhere' should be looked for. And he didn't want it? Which were his motives to being
here, then? She looked - really looked - at him, his face only expressed sincerity... She
couldn't understand him. "Then why... why are you here at all?"
He didn't answer.
"Why here? Why now, Angel?" Buffy was rapidly losing her patience. Angel came
here and expected her to receive him like an old friend. That was okay. He told her he
wasn't expecting friendship from her. That would be okay. And now he was saying that he
didn't expect more than his guilt and her fury to connect them? "Say something damn
it!"
Silence.
"You damn bastard!" She poked angrily at him. He didn't even flinch back.
"I don't believe you! You don't--- you can't---" she panted angrily.
"Leave! you can't come here for NOTHING and then say you still have a soul! Liar!
Liar!"
"I never said---"
"Yes, you *did*! Now GO!"
He looked at her and recognised that she was serious. Her face was red with righteous fury
and tears were beginning to gather behind her eyelashes. She was looking anywhere but at
him. "Buffy... hear me out." She took a big breath but didn't move. "You
know I still have my soul. How couldn't I? Look at me." She shook her head.
"Look at me, darling, look at my eyes, please." His voice brought memories of a
past where she wouldn't deny him anything. She raised her eyes to his. "Are they
happy?"
No, they weren't. But then, why did Angel take it so literally? A soul wasn't just a
result of the magic gypsies had performed on him. A soul was being able to relate to and
understand feelings. Something she couldn't see him doing right now. No, his eyes weren't
happy... so what?
She let out a bitter smile and shrugged. "I don't care. Clause or not clause..."
She took a deep breath. "Angel, can't you understand? You *must* not have a soul. If
you want me to believe your intentions then you must tell me you lost your soul."
Angel stared at her. He didn't understand... what was she implying? She had looked
directly into his eyes for several seconds and then just decided that... why wouldn't she
believe him? He had come back with a plan, something to satisfy his eagerness to see and
help her and at the same time not break his heart. "What?"
"Angel, just... just understand me, okay? You come here. To Sunnydale... it's been
five years, Angel. Five years where you never showed up. No letters, no postcards... do
you even know what a phone-booth is? And now you come back and tell me you'll stay in
Sunnydale. Just not with me. And... and you say you love me and that you need me to love
you... but you *won't* stay with me..." She glared hard at him. "Are you crazy,
Angel?"
"No, I'm not," he replied assuredly.
"Then tell me you don't have a soul. Because if you do have one working in there then
I *never* knew you at all. And without knowing you I could have never really loved
you." This time she let the tears out. It hurt, damnit, it hurt so much... Angel was
the only dream she still let herself have at night. He was the shadow which surrounded her
in her bed when she was feeling lonely... and now his live-version was breaking her
dreams... it wasn't fair!
"Buffy..." He took a step forwards and raised his hand to caress her face again.
She made a halting gesture to him. "Stop now."
"You have a life now," he murmured. She shook her head in denial and wiped her
tears harshly. "I'm sorry for your mother but you still have Dawn. And the guys would
never leave you..." He sighed. "It's been five years, you yourself have said it.
You don't need me anymore..." He looked into her eyes willing her to understand his
feelings and thoughts. "But I still need you."
Buffy grimaced. Whoever had told him she didn't need him? She still cried for him when she
needed a strong shoulder to cry on, she sometimes pictured his soft voice soothing her
fears, at night she could almost feel his arms embracing her strongly... and he dared to
say she didn't need him? Her next words came from five years of isolation and yearning.
"I hate you," she bit out angrily.
Angel was taken aback with her words. God, she had meant them... "Please, love, I
need---"
"You need me to love you?"
"I can't go on without your love," he said truthfully, "I came back just to
see you. Just to hear from you own lips that you still---"
"Love you?" she interrupted him. Her eyes softened even though she willed them
not to. "Oh Angel, I've loved you since I was sixteen." He smiled. "But now
you don't want to be *with* me and yet you don't want me to stop loving you. Are you for
real, Angel? I guess I should love you 'till my final death do us apart, shouldn't I? Only
it wouldn't because we WOULDN'T be together to begin with!"
"I know it's unfair..." he strayed off. It had looked like a sound plan as he
made it up. Now he wasn't sure...
"Unfair?! It's downright selfish! I--- I---" She shook her head vehemently,
trying to imply all her feelings and disappointment in that gesture. "Leave, Angel.
Don't come back," she told him tiredly, her voice cool and calm. "I've mourned
five years for your absence and I need to mourn tonight for a lost love."
Warning bells took off at her words. Was she giving up on the little they still had
together? Without thinking he grabbed her shoulders and shook her hard. "But I'm
here!"
"I wish you had never come back," she whispered, uncaring of his harsh reaction.
"But I love you!" he nearly shouted
She shook herself out of his grasp. Her voice was curt when she finally spoke. "If
you can't stay *with* me then I can't believe you. Right now you are just a selfish
bastard to me. A soulless, selfish bastard." She squared her shoulders and looked him
right into the eyes. "So, Angel, don't cross my path again because since this moment
you are just a soulless vampire in my book; and you know what happens to them, don't
you?" she finished with a cold smile.
"Are you threatening me?"
She shrugged. "Consider it a warning."
"You can't kill me," he sneered. If she wanted to play with fire then he would
give it to her. Did she think she was the only one with hurtful words? "You did once
and it ate at you. I came back from hell, remember? What makes you think you'll have
better luck this time?"
"Maybe I won't," she replied, "but leave anyway because I don't want to
find out." Where was all this rage coming from? She had loved him for years, she
still did. And she knew he told the truth when he said he loved her. But he didn't want to
fight for them. He had fought for the world as she laid dead on the ground, why couldn't
he fight for *her* when she was *alive*?
"So, is this goodbye? Just because you can't stand that I stay away from you? Just
because you can't stop loving me as I do?"
"No," she said firmly, "it's because I don't recognise you anymore and you
don't know what I've become in these years. Goodbye, Angel."
He sighed wearily. He had come back for naught. But she had gotten wrong one thing; yes,
maybe he couldn't understand her now but he certainly knew what she was and why she had
become it. Bitterness and loneliness were present in her eyes, and he knew too well how
their influence worked. And he still loved her. "Whatever Buffy I met tonight,"
he began softly, "I love her too."
She felt hope warm her and she knew she had to answer his truth with hers: "And I
still love you too." She smiled wanly. "If you find where your true soul hid,
make sure it comes back with the map to my heart."
He smiled at her words. There was still hope and that was the only thing he needed. Now he
understood what she meant with his lack of soul, it wasn't that he turned into Angelus...
it was that he didn't *really* take care of her feelings and didn't *really* understand
his own. "This isn't goodbye," he said firmly.
"It's the end of an old tale between us; so yes, it's goodbye."
He nodded, finally understanding her. "I'll come back," he promised, "We'll
begin another story."
This smile shone like a ray of sunshine. "I'll be here waiting."
He made a decision then and there. He couldn't stay in Sunnydale, not until they were both
fully ready to be together. Until his fears of never being enough for her, and her fears
of him leaving were assuaged. "I'll be in L.A."
Buffy shook her head. She *had* been bluffing when she said she'd kill him. He had just
come back, why would he go so soon?
He saw her eyes widen in fear and chastised himself, she must be thinking that he was
leaving her for good *again*. "You are not comfortable with me here," he
explained knowing she couldn't deny it. "So I'm going there --- to L.A." He took
her hands and locked eyes with her. "Send a postcard or two, why not? ...would you
answer my calls?"
She smiled with tears in her eyes. "As long as I must not pay for them... Believe me,
with Dawn I have enough of a large phone bill."
He laughed quietly at her attempt of levity. She had said yes, she would still talk with
him. And that was good. His early plan was ridicule to him right now, stay in Sunnydale
but not with her? *What* had he been thinking? But now was not the moment to 'be
together', they had too much baggage to work through. But they couldn't be apart anymore,
the time for dealing alone had passed. Now they had to work together.
Together.
Angel smiled. That word sounded so good.
"I'm sorry for tonight," he told her sincerely.
"And I'm still furious," she quipped back half-playfully.
He winked at her. "See you later?"
She seemed to think about it for some seconds and the grinned at him. "Send that
postcard, make that call... and we'll see then."
He embraced her as he had longed to do since she opened the door. "I love you,
Buffy."
She embraced him back and tilted her head slightly. "I love you too."
Angel smiled again as he leaned in to kiss her inviting lips.
They were just beginning. Lots of baby steps were ahead of them.
But then, 'hope' was such a beautiful thing...
...and they kept on kissing.
The End
04/06/03
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