DISCLAIMER: Have you ever seen Michael T. Weiss in the second
season of 'The Pretender'? Especially when he appears in the credits? Mmm... yummm! I'm
suddenly in love with blue silk shirts. *grins* Just wanted to share. By the way, I don't
own these characters... nor Michael T. Weiss... *pouts*
TIMELINE: Three years post mid AtS3
SUMMARY: R-ish. Angel needs help. Buffy and the gang (and many
not-mentioned others) go to Los Angeles. Chaos ensues. Angel is hurt. Cordy and Buffy both
tend to him.
WORDCOUNT: 4820
DEDICATION: For Jaime. You just blame this fic for not being able to
concentrate on anything else. Well, this and the real-life thing. *smiles* Oh, and
yesterday was theater night! *swoons* By the way, anything new on Hope?
Winner at Still His Girl Awards, Repeatable Award at The
Potential Awards
FLASHES
by Leni
First, there is darkness.
Pitch black so black that he wonders if he's blind.
In that instant flashes of the battle come to him: coming with every ally he could get in
five hours... fighting without losing sight of two blonde heads, one on each side...
challenging the big demon of the night and making it pay for the two little boys it left
orphan and sisterless... and he remembers its claws going deep in his thigh as oxygen is
failing him.
Pretty strong demon with strong grip on his throat.
Then the demon is falling bringing him with its weight.
And blonde hair. He smiles.
And green eyes. He...
blacks out.
Because, hell, he can be very strong with super senses and everything necessary to fight
the good battle but... he's still human. And lack of oxygen always causes fainting. Green
or not.
And then he wakes up.
----
It's funny, you think.
There's been only three seconds. Three heartbeats. and suddenly everything is... off...
clear... or maybe clearly offish.
And you want to laugh.
Laugh so hard that black tears run on your cheeks.
But black wouldn't look good so you don't shed them. You don't laugh either.
But it is still funny.
It's been... what? five years? six or seven or twenty?
Damn it, when you feel a thousand years old twenty are not enough for this.
And you smile.
That sad, cracked smile. The kind you often see in the fallen heroine in some movies... or
the one the great villain wears when she discovers that no matter her plans and her
deeds... it was all for nothing.
Because it was all for nothing for you too.
And that's so funny you'll begin crying as soon as he disappears from your life again.
-----
He has been human for two months already.
Seven weeks and four days, to be exact.
It had felt so good.
Waking up after a fight and *know*.
Because he knew he was alive before he registered being safe.
It had felt so good...
Not to hear his friends' heartbeats, not to wonder /ever so slightly/ how they would
taste, just how many of them he could take before being staked. It feels finally wonderful
to be able to sit at the table with them and to know /finally god!/ why they must grimace
and smile and possess so much gusto as they eat.
His friends were surprised at first. Gunn and Fred giving him awkward pats on the
shoulder, Wesley very satisfied that the prophecy he'd translated had been right after
all--- Wesley. Prophecies. Not a good line of thinking... not even after the wounds were
finally scarring and a new... understanding... was building between them.
On the other hand, there had been Cordelia with her giddy squeals and her loving glances
and her kisses.
He had invited everyone to celebrate in a fine restaurant on the best part of Los Angeles.
It had been a great night, punctuated by a lengthy examination of how much strength he had
been allowed to retain. Cordelia would have made a wonderful scientific, he had decided
then.
It had been two wonderful months.
He was even working on a tan when there wasn't any Big Bad on the research list, and he
was glad his job description included so much exercise because the calories he'd ingested
in the last weeks sure as hell came with a price.
Sunlight was such a beauty... sometimes he thought he would never get enough of it.
Now he could even see Cordy in the light of day... god, she was beautiful. Her tanned skin
glowing under the sun, with the sea's water making her shine...
The only thing he would change would be her hair. He remembered its dark shine from years
past... blonde just was not her. He had begun dropping hints about it, letting her know
that her natural look was so very much relished. In short... let's say that he was
convincing her to change back to her natural dark hair and stay at that... She had only
laughed at him so far, saying that he should follow her fashion advice before giving it...
But he loved black. And he stayed in black clothes.
And blondes were in. So her black tresses stayed hidden.
But, all in all?
Life. Real life. had treated him well.
So... why isn't he thinking of /savinghislife/ boat rides and /greeneyes/ weekends at the
mountains?
Why is he suddenly remembering /ohmygod.notnow!/ peanut butter and /Iwillnever.../ his old
apartment?
/...forget/
/I Will Never Forget! I will never forget! Iwillneverforget!/
He opens his eyes.
And sees brown eyes staring worriedly at him.
-----
You came to Los Angeles as soon as you put the phone down.
You called the cavalry on the way without stopping to wonder why you didn't wait for them.
After all, what difference can an hour make in this case? He said they had five hours
still, and you knew you could reach the city in less than two.
Wesley had explained the situation as his friends gathered in the lobby. It was still
strange seeing your ex Watcher doing anything constructive, especially considering it was
under a vampire's orders. And it was weird to have so many people in the loop, in all
these years you had gotten accustomed to your small exclusive support team.
And in between the explanations and the plans you had finally noticed a blonde Cordelia
going from one group to the other on your ex boyfriend's arm.
And you suddenly knew that they were... well, that it was he and Cordelia now.
It hadn't hurt. No, you couldn't let it hurt. Not when Spike was directly behind you and
would definitely notice your reaction.
No, you don't have anything to do with Spike now. He is your ally and, sometimes, he can
even pass as your friend. But he is still the only one of your remaining acquaintances who
can see the whole of you... past the denials and lies.
Only that. Ally, friend and confessor when things get too tight. But...
nothing more...
...never more.
Soul or no soul, nothing can erase that year you tried to forget everything in him.
But still...
Cordelia 'CQueen' Chase was there...
...with *him*...
...and you were on the other side of the room making sure Spike wouldn't notice a thing.
Someone should really have told you that 'dealing with personal issues' was part of the
world-saving agenda for today.
-----
It's funny, he thinks. How this would be the climax fantasy of every fallen soldier.
A slender blonde lover is holding his hand and murmuring soft, encouraging words to him.
The lovely blonde ex is checking him up and cursing silently every time she finds an
injury.
Oh yeah, this could very well be the wet dream of many a man.
And the funny is: he wishes he was still out cold.
-----
It's funny, you think with desperation.
It has been years since you last saw him. Even more since you thought of maybe and what
if. But now... what if he hadn't turned away as soon as he recognised you?
What if he wasn't looking for someone else?
What if that someone else wasn't a she and his lover and Cordelia?
Maybe if you wailed to the skies someone would take pity on this scene and make you
forget.
No, not forget. This is not something you are remembering.
This is new.
So new it hurts as it craves a place in your filled soul.
And you still stay looking love from the outside in.
-----
The others are around.
He can hear Fred's voice as she scolds Gunn for being so bold in battle. He can almost
smell Spike's cigarettes and the burning incense in Willow's hands.
and still... the three of them had been left in a corner.
No chance it was unnoticed. He can't picture Xander's radar not detecting him, vampire or
not. Besides, he can almost feel his eyes on the back of his head...
In fact, everybody has fallen in silence now that he's awake.
The low murmurs are already appearing, each one expressing his own opinion. How dare they?
he thinks. How dare they when he has already chosen...
...Cordelia.
Cordelia who is staring at him with wide, worried eyes and needs to be reassured.
"I'm okay. Don't worry."
He loves Cordy.
He really does.
He can admit it is not the great, big, heart-breaking love of his life but it is still
true nonetheless.
With Cordelia it has always been... simple.
She doesn't need to be cuddled and reminded of his love, for she is sure in herself. She
doesn't do PDAs in public, except if the public includes some pretty model who was winking
coquettedly at him.
Cordelia is a woman with whom he can share everything. Well... maybe not everything.
But now that he is human he will be able to.
----
This isn't love. You have loved him already and it didn't feel like this.
Loving him was sweet (it's the sweetest thing you still remember) and it was special (the
only girl in your generation to kiss him good day before school) ...Fate smiling upon you
every morning: Wake up, his Chosen Lover.
Loving him was angsty (crying so silently he wouldn't know it) sometimes even dangerous
(wanting him so much it HURT) and it always was... nice. fulfilling. wonderful.
Loving Him was Loving Him and this is not.
-----
It's highly ironic. He always knew that irony was part of his existence.
Angel and Angelus are the same thing: both born of the same memories, both always wanting
to know the world. But Angel always... holds back. Whether it's for his soul or his guilt
or both is still a mystery. The demon is so much more passionate... he is full of rawness.
He is not mad as the others think, Angelus possess the uncanny abilities of the normal
man, and his tactician talents are invaluable. No, madness didn't possess him as he drew
the sword out of Acathla's statue. It was passion... Angel remembers it so vividly he can
almost taste it again.
It has been so long since passion crossed his path.
Oh, he has looked for it in the last years. Even touched its robes time and again with
Cordy as his complacent guide. But passion still escapes his grasp, as if taunting him
with small glimpses of itself, denying him its whole magnitude... denying him his...
freedom. If there is one thing Angel/Angelus learned is that only in passion you can be
eternally free... when nothing held you back but your own frontiers, when you couldn't
even envision the limits because they were too far away, that was freedom.
And Angel longs for it.
He wonders for a second what would happen if it was Angelus in his place. Angelus hearing
Cordy's voice as he is leaning on her lap. Angelus feeling Buffy's fingers as they run
across his thighs.
Two women at his disposition and he knows Angelus would only play with his chosen one.
He would grab her by the arm and make her follow him into his apartment. He would take her
clothes off and pay her back for all those shows in Sunnydale years ago.
Angelus would possess her and claim her as his own.
Because that's what demons do... they never care about others' opinions. Even when they
reside in their own body.
No, that's not true.
There were times where they both acted as one.
Going under Sunnydale under Xander's guidance. Breaking into a fraternity just because she
was in danger. Tasting her blood drop by drop... and making her enjoy every second of it.
Yeah... and yet now... why is it so different?
How can he know that, were they able to, they would take different paths, grabbing a
different woman each one?
Why the hell is he thinking about Angelus when he has finally gotten rid of the damned
bastard?
and why is he envying him so much?
----
It isn't lust either.
You certainly know lust by now.
She came to you wearing a slut's red dress, high heels and offered you a deal you cold not
refuse. Loneliness is the scariest thing, he once told you. And you scared it off in an
unfair fight.
Because you cannot be lonely when you are biting and screaming. When you are touching
earth with a hand and fire with your heart, how can loneliness reach you? You ate lust in
cold kisses. And your sin was gluttony then.
Lust has been your secret lover for years already. Always yearning for more heat, wanting
more fire, more flesh, more passion. Just... MORE.
And how could you deny her?
Especially when she is the only one who never disappointed you.
----
Her silent touch can still make him feel sure.
It's strange, he knows. It has been years since they last touched, even longer since they
were in this very situation. New girlfriend not included, of course.
She had been his girlfriend at the time. Not in deed but in... heart? They had just gotten
back from a bad fight. Five smart vamps with enough money to hire some muscle to watch it
while they were feeding. He had taken a bad blow to his shoulder, fallen and being kicked
repeatedly by the largest Thoel. Buffy had managed to bring him to the mansion... she was
so cute when she was worrying over him...
She doesn't look cute today, he decides. There is a strange resolute expression in her
eyes. Just what could she be thinking of?
Maybe she is remembering the same as he, he concludes.
Maybe she remembers when it was... only them.
Before the darkness and the demons took over for six horrid months.
Those long past times when only a touch made everything right again,
when safety was in each other's arms...
maybe she is thinking how it was to...
Be Free.
----
It can't be hunger either.
You were hungry for him as he danced in blood and threatened with a fucking song in his
dead heart.
The hunt then was so primal you could almost smell him. You remember you roamed your
nights looking for a whiff of his scent. Just that little bit to get you off. And you
loved it when he watched you. Silent in the shadows with amber eyes witnessing your
secrets. Looking as you moved and rocked and screamed his names... both of them. Wondering
which one would finally call him out.
Not too original, you think. You never asked him why he never came to you. Because you
sure as hell came for him every time.
There were worse nights. Better too.
-----
It was easy to love her. Not simple but...
It was picking her up for patrol and hearing about her day. It was understanding a young
Slayer and trying to guess why would she love him so. It was... BuffyandAngel. And he had
never loved so much.
Of course he now has Cordy.
And he loves her too.
But nobody could ask for him to love her the same way.
Because it is not possible.
Cordelia is strong, so self-assured it gets almost annoying. She could fall on her feet at
any time, and she could go on without looking back.
Loving Cordelia is like loving a girlfriend in high school. It's nice, and it's real
but--- it won't last. He knows it and he knows that Cordy knows. And yet they accept
because they live for the present... and maybe they'll have a future but they don't count
on it.
And isn't it funny how he compared Cordelia to a high school sweetheart?
Because his only high school sweetheart so far... well, he could have stayed with her
forever... if only he had thought he should do it.
With Buffy it was so very different... it was...
... whole.
and it hurt so very much to have to leave her.
At least he has Cordy now. He knows it won't be forever but,
he doesn't have forever anymore, does he?
-----
Worse when you couldn't find him. Or he wouldn't find you. Or both. Having to stay on a
freaky cemetery because some fool hadn't read enough Anne Rice to know not to drink
anything after he was dead. Specially if his murderer was pale and dark-haired and was
leaving him as a present for his stranged girlfriend.
But then, you can't really blame the poor idiot for falling into his game. With that voice
and those eyes he could have the very Lestat for dinner. And then, after your fifth dusted
present, you realised that they emerged with a rather dreamy smile on their face. You knew
'faithful' wasn't his second name, but did he have to get so far? Oh yeah, he is evil...
but you can't help but wonder if they screamed his name as well as you did.
They smiled remembering that last second of life and you wondered... oh yeah, how you
wondered!... if he would show you that last kindness as well.
You never wanted to die. Much less on one of those bad nights. Without someone caring to
witness your decease, what was the point? At least, you thought, he cared enough to try it
himself.
Sometimes you pictured him coming to you, taking you into his arms and your blood into
him. You are not sure if you really wanted it, but you just couldn't think of a better way
to die. You were frightened of dying an anonymous death... what could be more ignomious
than dying at hands not his?
But then you understood that he didn't care enough, why should he? You were just another
conquest for him, just another woman who desired him... but you were so much more. You
realise it now, so many years after the fact. Because you've discovered that he desired
you as well.
Then why did he leave you mocking presents and did not possess you like he wanted...
like you'd let him?
-----
Buffy...
Sometimes she had reminded him of a china doll. A broken china doll. A complete irony with
her being the Slayer... Oh, Buffy was strong. Not only physically but she could endure
anything thrown at her and never appear defeated. But he had known that her appearances
weren't it all. How many times had he been quietly at her side while she cried and cried?
How many times had he reassured her of his love because that was what she needed?
Now, as he looks at the woman she became, he wonders who is her shoulder to lean on. Who
gets to see the little girl hidden beneath the tough facade? And don't tell him that she
finally buried the hurt for good, because he can still see it dancing in her eyes, just as
it did oh so many years ago.
Who gets now to see her eyes full of happiness,
/she smiles as he points at Orion while his other arm is steady around her shoulders/
of mirth,
/she makes him trip and falls after him on a secluded park... a playful glint in her eyes
before she kisses him sensuously for the first time/
of... love...
/she answers she loves him too and pulls him to her.../
Maybe it is Willow, from her oldest friends she was always the dearest.
No, he decides, for Willow has distanced herself so much from her friends that you could
almost touch the abysm. It seems that world-ending activities were not guaranteed to be
forgotten - much less forgiven - for a long, long time. Maybe he can talk with her
afterwards, it is not as if he hadn't been in her place.
It cannot be Dawn either, who is away at college three quarters of the year, nor Xander
who is too busy providing for his growing family. And he really can't imagine Anyanka
paying attention to anyone but Xander and their baby boy. Spike?
He knows everything about Buffy and Spike. Most of the time he blocks the knowledge
because... why Spike?
It must be Spike.
And he nearly laughs because he is jealous of his old demon and his souled Childe at the
same time.
And he nearly cries because they both would grab Buffy now and never let her go.
When did this happen?
------
Better nights... mmm... those were the times where you enjoyed being the Slayer. Finding
your prey and following it. Oh yes, stalking him through corridors and alleys. Falling
onto him like a cat on heat and rub on him while trying to place a stake on his heart...
you still feel warm just thinking about it. Remember how you were so close you could feel
him hard against your cloth-covered flesh? And the smell then... god... it was almost like
his apartment smelt before your personal Armageddon. You and Him. In less than a square
meter and damned if it isn't still one of your most hidden fantasies. One of the only two
you didn't tell Spike about.
But he never let it go further than that.
Just as you were wet and tingly and only a very thin hair away from tearing the fucking
clothes and going on him like an addict on withdrawal (and you felt like it)... He...
Stopped.
And that was what you have never forgiven him.
Well, except for killing the gypsy, because that was evil... but hell! leaving you high
and dry was simply MEAN.
But still... now you don't want to have him, take him and mark him yours.
You already tried and it didn't work.
----
He loves Cordy as any man would love a wonderful woman who cares for him and loves him
completely.
Well, maybe not completely because a part of him was Angelus. And Cordelia would never
accept such evil in her life. But that bridge is crossed now.
He is human.
Thank God.
He is human and he can finally be the man she always wanted.
But...
would Cordy accept that sometimes he can still hear Angelus' voice as some piece of wicked
conscience? You don't expend centuries with a demon and not let him become a part of you,
tiny as it were. Would she understand that right now Angelus-conscience is roaring at him
in angry frustration?
Would she?
Could he some time, in the far far future, tell Cordy how much Angelus wants to take his
ex into his arms and flee with the Slayer... somewhere.
Anywhere.
Could he?
---
Not love, not lust, not even hunger.
Could it be just petty jealousy?
Because, well, she is Cordelia. And God knows how much she resents the bitch.
Cordelia always had everything: the money, the looks, the popularity, the... freedom.
Yeah, Cordelia Chase was free. She never was Fuckingly Chosen. If she is still in this
business is because she doesn't want to lose her visions... well, good for her.
You remember when there were only two things that made you stand up to her. First: You,
Buffy 'freak' Summers, were the one responsible for the normal world to continue its
normal way, and if Cordelia Chase was wearing designer clothes and driving a year's car
was only because the Slayer had triumphed. Second: You had THE boyfriend. And it didn't
matter which hunk the highschool princess could drag from the recesses of Sunnydale
High... yours was the best.
Now you wonder how you'll confront Cordelia again.
By now she's saved the world as many times as you did. She even has Powers and Gifts where
you only received super strength and a definite knack for getting resurrected. It just
doesn't seem fair, does it?
And she even has Angel now.
Funny how the first time you think of him by his name is in relation with another woman.
Yeah... funny har har...
there go the black tears again.
-----
He loves Cordy.
Even if it could never be forever.
He loved Buffy. And that shouldn't be said in past tense because he swore he would love
her always. Therefore...
He loves Buffy.
And he thinks how it really is not fair to have the two most important women of his life
tending to him right when he is too dizzy to think properly.
Correction: when he is too dizzy to halt disconcerting and long undue thoughts from
crawling into his conscious and being processed.
Because he doesn't like to know that he loves Buffy.
Life with her never worked. It always ended in tears to them both.
And he hasn't it in him to condemn his woman to another round of suffering. She really
doesn't need more.
And did he just think 'his woman'?
Sigh.
-----
What exactly do you want from him now?
And when he turns around to see you (really see you) it hits like lighting.
Need.
More mundane than Love.
More complicated than Lust.
More civilised than Hunger.
And certainly with more sense than Jealousy.
You need him
sharp (like waking up with his teeth on your throat and remembering you were dreaming of
him)
strong (like watching a storm in his arms and knowing it cannot reach you)
warm (like kisses at midnight and cuddles in front of the gang)
dangerous (like hunting together and each other without caring who wins because none
loses)
just like you have always needed him
because suddenly six years are falling away.
It's just as you thought in the beginning of this story:
It Was All For Nothing.
Your lovers may have been wonderful...
Your friends may have been family...
and you life may be looking better and better...
But you need him to complete...
Something.
Maybe you'll remember what that something is.
You're sure you would if he came to you.
-----
He reminds himself he loves Cordy now.
And it worked better five minutes ago.
Why would he want to ruin a nice relationship with a woman who already knows him?
Just because Buffy always accepted him in any form and way?
Won't Cordy do the same now that he is human?
Why would he change the sweetness and warmth of Cordelia for another bout of angst and
hurt with Buffy?
Just because only with Buffy...?
Only with Buffy he was truly, madly, deeply happy.
...
And it is Cordy's fault for buying that damned Savage Garden's CD.
-----
He once promised you 'forever'.
And you think sadly that you answered with an 'always'.
People shouldn't do that kind of promises.
Forever means Always.
Always is Forever.
And you only had three short years.
-----
It is decidedly strange, he thinks.
How when Cordelia says that he's free he immediately remembers his earlier musings.
freedom. passion. they are one and the same...
...and he needs them.
Need.
He hasn't thought about that word since he sat in a cemetery with a sobbing girl in his
arms.
Erase that. He can't forget when they saw each other... the last time... just after she.
came back. Just after she came back. It was goodbye then . And he had thought he had
needed the closure.
Because BuffyandAngel was over. And it was time to be just Angel for a while.
Then why had he related passion and freedom to her?
Why?
When everything he had tasted at her side had been bittersweet? When he couldn't think of
her without linking her name with utter heartbreak?
When there had been a time, short but real, he had revelled in freedom with her? When
there had been boundless passion, daylong and only in his memory, in her arms?
Fate had to be kidding.
But joke or not this is your third? fourth? chance.
-----
It is still funny.
How it doesn't matter if you have loved him with your heart.
If lust is part of you every time you picture him.
If you hunger for him as a whole, dualities not acceptable.
If Cordelia is in grave danger in this very second just for being female and ten short
inches away from him. It doesn't help that that short distance in crossed by their arms.
Because it doesn't matter either that you have laughed, lived and loved during six years.
You said Always and, just this time, you would like to keep your promise.
----
And he realises that Cordelia may have set him free.
God bless her.
But he won't enjoy freedom until he is tied to his woman.
Because she is the only one who can repair his broken wings.
-----
And you remind yourself to BREATH as he looses Cordelia's hand and smiles at...
...you.
This won't be easy... exactly the contrary.
Your friend and his friends won't be happy. From the look of things, Cordelia and Spike
will probably be the only supporters for a long while...
And you still need him.
The End
12/04/03
Feedback, it's pretty!
And what is *really* funny is that this fic really begins with:
If there's one thing you've realised in a second is this:
Love
does not
last forever.
Love can be sweet and warm and nice but... it doesn't last forever.
Shouldn't you be mourning now?
Especially because he'll be going back to her as soon as he realises it.
And seeing his eyes you know he realised it already.
As you can guess, this is Cordy's POV. I ended up erasing her part in this story because
otherwise she would have repeated the same thing over and over.
The main thought for this story (POVs' collection) was that Angel and Cordelia DO work
together *cringes* but that their relationship is fated to die. While Angel and Buffy,
well, no matter what's been thrown at them they still are in love, and will stay that way.
*winks*
