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DISCLAIMER: Ha!
SUMMARY: G. Xander's thoughts as he confronts Willow in 'Grave'.
WORDCOUNT: 627
NOTES: Written for Dana Woods
ECLIPSE
by Leni
Willow is the sun.
It is always at moments like this when the strangest memories attack, Xander thinks
distractedly, all of him focused on the trail she left behind. But his mind pushes those
words to the front again: Willow is the sun. He finally recognises that phrase as his own.
It had been said a long time ago, back when a curious little boy had wondered why he spent
so much time with her.
Xander can't remember why he said that. That boy had laughed at him so hard that he'd
blushed and fled the classroom, uncaring of the teacher's warnings. But as he reaches the
outskirts of the town and gasps at the figure meters ahead, he understands.
Willow is the sun.
How could she not be?
He watches as she stands before him and manipulates that raw power at her wish. He should
be scared; terrified even. But he only sees the same hands which couldn't make a round
clay ashtray unless he directed them. Her back is to him and Xander flashbacks to a time
ten years ago with them in the same position. He had gone to her on his tiptoes then,
carefully trying not to make any noise. Her twelve-year-old self had screeched so loud
when she felt the frog's slimy legs on her arm... Now Xander wishes he could go back. He'd
change that day; he'd give her a marguerite instead. But the only thing he can do is stomp
loudly as he closes in on her. When Willow finally notices him, Xander almost expects to
see her green eyes greeting him, saying that she finally made the better prank. But her
eyes are black and there's no recognition in them.
That's when the nightmare becomes terrifyingly true and he swallows a helpless cry.
Xander has never cried for her loss before. He cried for his parents when he was five and
accepted that no magic words would make them notice him. He cried for the first boy who
called him 'friend' and didn't laugh after realising that his competition for 'best friend
ever' was a tiny redhead with a vocabulary bigger than their twenty-one years together. He
cried for Giles during Jenny's wake. He cried for Buffy after she jumped. For Anya because
she realised too late that he wasn't the man she assumed him to be. Xander has even cried
for himself for as long as he can remember.
But mourning Willow is the one thing that'll finally break him. Willow - his Willow -
can't want him broken, can she? Because if she does, the world is truly doomed and it can
crumble into nothing for all he cares.
Xander looks in disbelief at the black eyes, the unseen glare that goes right through him.
He fights against the winds threatening to push him away; this he won't allow. Whatever
happens, the place at her side is his. He's earned it with nineteen years of laughs and
amused exasperation. He shouts at her to stop, to continue, to be herself and to let go.
He summarises all of them into a plea to remember.
She still looks at him coldly with those lost eyes. Xander can't do anything but watch
helplessly as she directs her power at him. It doesn't hurt as much as that look of true
anger and despair. He never wanted to see her like this. He'd have given his life just to
avoid this tragedy. A loss so deep, a grief so acute; why wasn't he there to comfort her
through it?
Willow would have comforted him. Because that's what his Wills did. She was his constant,
his ever-present support.
Willow is his sun.
And she is about to burn everything around them.
The End
09/10/04
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